I would like to go and try to have a child, but I am absolutely terrified of it being a girl and be ugly like me.

[YesItIsTrue]

Had to live as one and it’s horrible.
But time is really running out on me and I have been seriously thinking about having a sperm donor, otherwise I’ll end up childless.

But what if it’s a girl, gets my looks and has to live a life as an ugly woman.
I would never forgive myself if that were to happen.

But selfishly I do want to be a mother and I most likely only have few short years left to have one.

This is on of the saddest threads I have read for a while

I think it’s the messed up attitude I would be more worried about passing off. That would be far worse!

I imagine if you had a child who's looks resembled yours you would quickly realise that you are not and have never been ugly and then you would raise your child to have the self esteem you are missing.

Please, please don’t get a sperm donor..

honestly having a dd had the opposite effect on me,
I thought I was really ugly too but dd came out looking so much like me and she’s so beautiful, she is literally a mini me, so I can’t help but think that I must be beautiful too! 😅
i think having a child can make you appreciate your features more,
and the features that are “unfortunate”, such as genetically bad teeth, I can have control over through braces and dentists etc , so she won’t get bullied like I did

I would never wilfully deprive a child of a father. Not even for my own selfish desire to be a mother.
The research is becoming clearer and clearer on the role of a father.

If your primary concern about having a child is that they are conventionally pretty, you probably shouldn't be having kids. They're not little dolls to dress up and look cute. They're whole human beings. You see plenty of families with 'ugly' kids thriving and doing great, because looks aren't everything. I really, really wouldn't go down the road of TTC if I were you unless you change this mindset.

Honestly, your job as a parent is to give them self confidence and self belief no matter how they come out. I’m sorry this didn’t happen for you.

If you’re convinced an “ugly” child can’t have a good, positive life - how do you think you would cope with a child who was disfigured? Or had a physical disability? Would you be able to help them see the positives or would you write them off like you are doing with an “ugly” child?

I think it’s legitimate to be truthful that your life experience has scarred you emotionally. I’m sure there are prospective mothers who would prefer to have a boy as they themselves have experienced SA as a girl, or prefer a dark haired child as they’ve been bullied for being a redhead.
But this is something you need to work through, ideally with a therapist, before a child is born.
Your own reactions will have a far greater impact on them.
How much support did your parents give you?

I know quite a few women who feel like you and have the most beautiful children.

To be honest being objectively very beautiful doesn’t guarantee how attractive your child will be. My mum is knockout stunning, i’m average as I look more like my dad (but honestly it has never bothered me). Remember genetics is lottery. Despite what the press portray supermodels don’t tend to breed supermodels and vice versa. Don’t regret not going for it due to fear of the unknown. If they aren’t perhaps as lucky as being the next Cindy Crawford you will there to support them all the way. Remember, Attractiveness doesn’t mean happiness and in the words of the great judge Judy ‘beauty fades but stupid is forever’. Being a great person is all that matters.

Same. And most of the responses are awful (“get an attractive sperm donor”! Oh yes, that’s how it works…).

OP this is EVERYTHING to do with your self-esteem and really it has hardly anything to do with what you look like. Your whole life you have been told or shown by many people - people that you care about, that your value was in how you look and now you believe it. That is not your fault and it is not true. Until you have dealt with that, you won’t be able to “protect” a child from that kind of harm because you don’t know how to. We will all face some kind of adversity in our lives, for many girls and women that might focus on our appearance. You can’t change how other people treat you, only who and how you interact with them. I’m short, this change can ONLY come from within you.

This is honestly one of the most ridiculous things I've read on here in a long while.

Perhaps if you bring her up not to place excessive value on looks, it won't be a problem if she doesn't live up to some arbitrary beauty standard.

I know this isn’t the spirit of the thread and agree with all PP who say looks don’t matter and you should work on that. However, me and DH are very ‘ordinary’ looking…wouldn’t say ugly. Our DD is beautiful! And not just saying that as a mother, lots of others say it. Also know of a very stereotypically beautiful couple, thin, tanned, toned, look like models and their son is, sorry to say, not a good looking baby 🙈. But I would never say that! So doesn’t follow that a child you have will be really ugly at all. But first and foremost, it doesn’t matter about looks.

This is so laden with internalised misogyny. Like a woman’s value = looks.

I’m not going to argue with you about whether you’re ugly (possibly you are, you’re a better judge than me), but I am going to ask why you consider looks a defining trait to the extent that you’re questioning whether it’s worth a child existing if she’s unattractive.

This world is full of clever, accomplished, powerful women. And some of them aren’t conventionally attractive. So what? Their intrinsic value isn’t dependent on being aesthetically pleasing. I doubt Angela Merkel and Mary Berra are waking up every morning bemoaning the fact that they were born. As opposed to, you know, doing their part to run the fucking world.

Why, instead of planning to raise an absolute badass, are you flopping about worrying about whether she’ll be pretty?!

But you haven't been bullied your whole life due to your looks. We've got no idea what the OP has been through to lead her to feel this way.
It's not as if she's wanting an amazing looking child for her own vanity, she's anxious and trying to shield her from the horrible life she's personally experienced (which she feels) is due to her looks

I have also seen some couples who are both drop dead gorgeous and don't have particularly good looking children.
I've also seen some less than average looking parents create and give birth to absolutely gorgeous children (even once they've reached adulthood).

My Dd doesn't look particularly like me or her dad. There are some similarities but she's waaaaayy better looking than either of us

You’ve had some good advice already, but just to emphasize the point that others have made- children don’t always look much like their parents anyway.

My DD, for example, doesn’t look like me nor my DH, you wouldn’t know that she and I we were related. She looks more like another family member on DH’s side and even then, it’s only a resemblance.

Everyone is unique and valuable, OP. Please work on your self-esteem before considering having a child. 💐

But what if you have an ugly boy?

Have you tried therapy at all? I know you’re dismissing it but your perception of yourself is clearly making you feel like shit. Might be worth trying?

YANBU. It’s not easy being an ugly woman sadly.

People here clearly don't know what it's like to be ugly. I have been made fun my whole life about the way I look. I have a prominent feature and it's awful trying to live. It's ridiculous that people are saying you need to work on your self esteem and get therapy. You know what you look like, why are people trying to dismiss your feelings? It's exhausting being in public, having to have my head down when I pass people. The OP is thinking what's best for this child and does she want this child to suffer how she did.

I'm so sorry to read your posts.
I don't know what to say, I'm not pretty, I'm less than average, but my kids are absolutely gorgeous.
My youngest is stop in the street and be admired by people sort of lovely. So what you look like isn't always even a definitive of what your children will look like.

Is it certain aspects in your appearance that make you feel this way? Are they changeable?
Were the qualities you dislike as much when you were a child?

Is this REALLY worth not having a baby? Are they better not ever existing than to look like you?

I think most kids look absolutely fine, as long as they're clean and taken care of. Teenage years can be quite cruel, but self care often limits the insults, and by 20s if your child feels the need to change their appearance, they can.

Its also worth thinking, if you had a boy...maybe your features would be absolutely fine?

I'm so sorry, I'm not sure I'm being helpful, but I am trying to be. I can't imagine how horrible your situation must feel.

Also, please know that looks are absolutely not all that makes a person. I'm sure you're lovely, and worthwhile, even if you don't like how you look.

Sorry you're feeling like this OP.
Parents genes aren't a dyed in the wool indicator of attractiveness. I can think of a lot of famous (and not famous) examples of attractive parents with less attractive children and vice versa.
It's not all about looks either.

For what it's worth i have a very large nose. I'm talking huge. It's always made me feel ugly.
I never thought I'd ever have a boyfriend because of it.
I managed to and had a child, she is a girl. I was terrified she'd have my nose. I think she is taking after her dad which is good. But if she takes after me, so what? I've done ok in life and I'll teach her to love herself for who she is . This is all you can do. I try not to put my looks down in front of her.
If you choose to get a sperm donor, please try to boost your own self esteem first. You never want to make your own child feel ugly. No one is ugly.

I hate these threads because someone will always trot out the old Roald Dahl quote, and a hundred other posters will rush to tell the OP that they've never seen an ugly person.

Absolutely the word ugly is unpleasant in it's connotations, but that's where the OP is coming from, the world is not kind to people who are less than average looking, and some people are. It's just a fact, not a judgement call, or that the poster has issues that need intervention.

People treat unattractive people less favourably than they treat attractive people. Teenagers can be especially cruel, often because of their insecurities, but the outcome is still the same, conventially unattractive people are an easy target and unless a person is exceptionally secure or has other shining qualities, it can be very difficult.

So spare OP your homilies.

@YesItIsTrue, I understand what you're saying. And actually I do think it might be worth working through with a therapist, because it will allow you to get to the bottom of the question, and more clearly see the answer, which essentially is, 'I am scared that my potential child will have to suffer what I did, can I give them a secure enough base so that they can cope with the abuse/bullying that I did/do'.

I'm not going to tell you that you're worthy, you've asked the question, you obviously care about a potential future child. A strong base is what children need really, and asking the difficult questions of ourselves is often what provides that.

I understand how you feel.

You've had a bad experience and you're worried.

But even if your kid is ugly (which is not a given), there are much, much worse things than this.

If your kid is healthy, you've won the lottery, really. Regardless of how good looking they are.

You just cant predict anything though. If you want to have a child, do it. The things you obsessively worry about in life are rarely the things that end up happening.

I hate these threads where unattractive women are told their feelings and lived experience are not valid and that, on top of everything they have experienced, they should somehow fix themselves - either physically, by making more of an effort with their appearance, or psychologically, by having therapy.

Anyway OP, as others have said, children are not a carbon copy of their parents and so it’s quite likely that any child would have better looks and suffer less. i know a couple of very plain women with quite attractive children (and vice versa).

i also know a few women with sperm donor children and they seem to be turning out ok though I know the approach to anonymous donation is changing.