I would like to go and try to have a child, but I am absolutely terrified of it being a girl and be ugly like me.

[YesItIsTrue]

Had to live as one and it’s horrible.
But time is really running out on me and I have been seriously thinking about having a sperm donor, otherwise I’ll end up childless.

But what if it’s a girl, gets my looks and has to live a life as an ugly woman.
I would never forgive myself if that were to happen.

But selfishly I do want to be a mother and I most likely only have few short years left to have one.

Thank you @Annisfinallygone
And this….

not because I didn't want my child to be 'ugly' but because I didn't want them to be so horrendously bullied.

…is where I’m coming from.
I’m not thinking my child would be ugly, and treat them badly or call them names (some posters seem to think this is what my post is about). But how others will treat, specially girls, who don’t fit in, even just as ’average’,

I don’t particularly rate myself - my LO is the DOUBLE of me - yet somehow how is a million times cuter/smarter /funnier - just everything about my little one is so much better and totally amazing!
I never actually thought about how my baby would look - and when you have your baby - weather they look just like you or not- your baby will be the best!

I am so sorry that you feel so bad about yourself. Is that something that you feel you’d be able to overcome so that you could model positive self esteem to a child?

i grew up in a house with a weirdly secretive self shaming culture around food and diet. I’ve had to work quite hard to unpick that (with a therapist - a++ would recommend!) in myself so that (hopefully!) my children are able to have more positive relationships with their own bodies.

These sound like really big questions to be grappling with alone though. I can’t emphasis enough how transformative I have found my sessions with a therapist to work through my own thoughts around self image.

I’d really recommend some therapy first to deal with the bullying you’ve experienced. Your child might be ugly or beautiful but you should really try not to pass on how you feel about the importance of looks (and I appreciate that for you, these feelings are based your experience but it doesn’t have to be like that).

Like PP, for me having a daughter really changed how I felt about my own looks features which I’d always disliked I saw on her as beautiful, and that helped me appreciate how my feelings about my appearance weren’t based on objective facts but on preconceived ideas about what I should look like.

I wouldn't say I'm ugly as a whole but I have a big nose and was bullied mercilessly at school. I was terrified DD would get my nose but thankfully she got DH's - I could even tell from the scan. She got my nice features and his nice ones so she's absolutely beautiful. I'm jealous of her! Your kid may inherit some of your features but they're not necessarily going to be a copy of you. I know how you feel though, hugs.

I’m a bit confused. I don’t think I’ve seen an ‘ugly’ person recently. Are you worried about her having certain physical deformities?

I don’t think you should have a child when your mental health is this poor.

Ugly parents don’t necessarily have ugly children, and children don’t necessarily take after their same sex parent either. My son looks exactly like me, people don’t believe he’s my DH’s son.

Your bigger worry should be inflicting your anxieties and body shaming onto your child.

I have never met someone who is genuinely ugly. Some people make no effort with their appearance. Some have no money for it. But most "pretty" women put quite a lot of effort in - diet, makeup, haircuts, nice clothes.

Perhaps it’s too difficult to undertsnd if one hasn’t expirienced it.

This is not about self-esteem or mental health.

I’m just being honest.
Like I’ve never been complimented, ever.
I’ve been either invisble or a target for bullying.
Only comments I’ve had, have been mean.
Never been asked on a date, asked myself some men - always turned down (and that is 100% their prerogative).
Even my family members will ask about other relatives dating/relationship life, but go silent when they make eye contact with me.
I could go on, but I’m sure even these will be ignored and say it’s all in my head.
I just got crap luck with genes, si much so that no one wants me, again that’s their prerogative, but I’d still like to be a mother, missed out on everything else, don’t want to miss out on this too, but I am scared of making someone suffer the way that I have.

This isin’t about me being shallow, no amount of theraphy will change how others see or treat me.

I agree with PP you need to have counselling pronto to really examine your assumptions about how your looks have affected your life and (consequently) how your possible future child's looks will affect theirs.

There are MANY mums out there who pass on negative body image stuff to their daughters, so you don't want to be one of them.

I was going to say I don't think anyone is really ugly but being truly frank I can think of three women I've known who could come into that category (that's in my opinion only!!). They have all had COMPLETELY different experiences and lives. One always did well with boys and got married/had kids young while having a successful career. One is single (I don't know whether by choice) but has a fabulous social life and is an amazing artist and everyone loves her. One was single before meeting her future husband and getting together very fast in her late 20s, it was love at first sight, they have a small but close group of family and friends. Based on your logic they would all have terrible times but I know they haven't.

I'm sorry your experiences have led you to the belief that a child that looks like you would be treated poorly by others and have a miserable time. It shouldn't have happened to you and it probably wouldn't happen to them.

@MrsBobo I agree with your answer completely.

I completely understand OP. You're not shallow, you just don't want a potential child to go through what you had to.

Maybe try some counselling before you have a baby you don't sound one bit ready and what If you had a girl whst would you do .how .would you cope?

I don’t think I’ve ever looked at someone and thought ‘wow, they’re ugly’. It just doesn’t happen. I might think a person’s outfit is awful/unflattering, they need to wash their hair, they smell bad etc but never looked at someone and thought of them as ugly. I mean that truthfully as well. What makes a person ugly is their personality. Sounds cliche but actually just true.

In contrast to all the soft words, some people are judged by society to be ugly and it does impact their lives. I don't think it would stop me having a baby though, you can still have a happy good life without a pretty face to help you along. I'd be more worried about deliberately choosing to have a baby without a dad.

I won’t patronise you by saying “everyone is beautiful, you aren’t ugly” etc as you obviously are clear in your thoughts and feelings about your looks and how it impacts your life .

I don’t think you should miss out on being a mother for this reason. Choose a sperm donor who is attractive!

You’re actually in a better position here than if you had a partner below-average-attractiveness.

Can you view photos of sperm donors? Or at least read a description? If you have particular areas you don’t like about yourself, you can counter them in the appearance of your sperm donor. E.g. small chin, choose a donor with a strong jaw. Blotchy/problem skin, choose a donor with olive skin. Etc.

I do agree with other posters about therapy before becoming a parent (but I would recommend that to anyone tbh).

Pick a beautiful sperm donor then? Your child might look exactly like him, or at the very least they will look a little bit like him and not exactly like you. That applies regardless of whether you have a boy or girl. I’m not sure where you’ve got this idea that girls look like the mother and boys look like the father, but that’s not how genes work.

There is something called regression to the norm. Even if you were particularly ugly, your child is likely to be closer to average. It also explains why lots of really beautiful people have children who, while attractive, are often not quite as attractive as their parent. My own mother was particularly beautiful and I was the kind of person who needed a lot of work to look attractive and even then I never had her kind of perfectly proportioned looks, naturally even skin tone, longer legs and so on. My own children look entirely like their father and people used to think the oldest was adopted because we looked so dissimilar.

I'm so sorry that you've been made by society to feel physically ugly op.

I would choose an extremely attractive sperm donor if that's possible to see photos? Maybe not in the Uk.

Another reassurance is that society is getting more equitable in my view that 1. 'Flaws' are more normalized and accepted in the media - celebrities are more diverse now and 2. There are so many more things that can be done like make up tricks and the use of fillers (look at the kardashian) that you only have to stay 'conventionally unattravtive' if you're poor.

OP please don’t proceed with a good looking donor sperm in the hopes baby will look like them and not you. They might, or they might still look just like you and you’ll feel cheated

OP I'd say you would be surprised how hard life is for an 'ugly' man, dont be fooled into thinking its a female only issue.

You just don't want to make another you because of your own experiences. I agree with PP, get some counselling first. If there is a part of you that wants to be a mother then you deserve the love and joy that that brings as much as anyone else.

Op, is it certain features you are worried about a potential child inheriting, or just a generalised anxiety that they might suffer the same experiences you had? Because not one of us can predict how our children will turn out in looks or personality. I have 4 children, and worry all the time about things that may have the potential to make them unhappy. One thing is for sure though, your child won't be a carbon copy of you in any aspect, and will be growing up in a different era to the one you grew up in, with different attitudes etc. It might be worth exploring your thoughts with a little therapy, but if you want a child, please don't let your fears hold you back x

Surely you are the best person to raise an “ugly” child to be resilient and full of self worth because it’s an experience you have lived yourself. Go for it, it sounds like you have a lot of love to give and experience to draw on.

Well, if you are going the sperm donor route, go for a good looking one. Maybe one from Denmark. Maybe try and pick one with features more on the feminine side.