Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I would like to go and try to have a child, but I am absolutely terrified of it being a girl and be ugly like me.

161 replies

YesItIsTrue · 04/10/2023 13:42

Had to live as one and it’s horrible.
But time is really running out on me and I have been seriously thinking about having a sperm donor, otherwise I’ll end up childless.

But what if it’s a girl, gets my looks and has to live a life as an ugly woman.
I would never forgive myself if that were to happen.

But selfishly I do want to be a mother and I most likely only have few short years left to have one.

OP posts:
ladyvimes · 05/10/2023 10:20

There’s a bit to Roald Dahl’s the Twits about ugly and beautiful people. No one who is kind and lovely is ugly. They’re really not. Beauty is so subjective and others see us differently than we see ourselves. I’ve never met a child I would consider ‘ugly’!

LolaJ87 · 05/10/2023 10:30

You do need counselling. By all means have a baby, but then you have to raise a child in this world and your view of the world seems so negative, you need to have that sorted before it shapes someone else.

Also as someone said previously - it's 2023, if you're unhappy with your looks, you can change them. It's not like you can do nothing about the way you look. Makeup, light cosmetic work, the right hair - might all make up feel better about yourself. That being said, many people who aren't conventionally good looking are still very attractive. It's all about what's on the inside and how you connect with people - it sounds like your self esteem is crippling that.

MargotBamborough · 05/10/2023 10:33

YesItIsTrue · 05/10/2023 10:03

@Goneunderground66
Thank you.
Exactly.

@MargotBamborough
I’m not ’unable’ to form relationships.
But sadly, I’m not someone men are attracted to.
I don’t have mental health issues and me talking about my life shouldn’t be lazily labeled as ’insecurities’.
It’s just how things have gone.
And my fear is making another person possibly go through the same thing and the guilt I would feel.

I'm afraid I have to disagree with you here. There is really no one so physically unattractive that nobody is interested in them. It really does sound like you are unable to form relationships because you are so focused on your own appearance.

GeneralLevy · 05/10/2023 10:35

If it’s reassuring; having three daughters made me feel so much better about my own looks. They are pretty girls, smiley and likeable. I can see myself in them and it gave me perspective on how I look and how others see me.
Your child will be beautiful to you, they will love and you’ll find a happiness.

toomanyleggings · 05/10/2023 10:40

@GeneralLevy this is what I was trying to say. You see yourself through different eyes when you see yourself in your kids.

Original poster
YesItIsTrue · 05/10/2023 10:51

ladyvimes · 05/10/2023 10:20

There’s a bit to Roald Dahl’s the Twits about ugly and beautiful people. No one who is kind and lovely is ugly. They’re really not. Beauty is so subjective and others see us differently than we see ourselves. I’ve never met a child I would consider ‘ugly’!

I’m suprised there are people who believe this.
But it also comes of as ’victim’ blaming.
So, now people who have hard or impossible time with dating because how other people trat them just because how they look, must now be also ’ugly on the inside’.
It’s just beyond rude.

I’ve always been kind person, always help out, always happy to listen other people etc.
Always been.
Even the decades how I’ve been treated hasn’t made me angry or jaded.

But men don’t want to know these part of me, not in a partnered kind of way.
It’s not my fault. And it doesn't make me ugly on the inside.

Please learn from this.
Your comment was so painful.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesItIsTrue · 05/10/2023 11:03

There is really no one so physically unattractive that nobody is interested in them.

Well, now you have ’met’ one.
We exist.

OP posts:
NoWinterYear · 05/10/2023 11:08

Oh op. Massive hugs. I'm so sorry that you were bullied and made to feel ugly. I can totally understand why you are worried and don't want your child to have the same experience.

I'm not going to argue with you whether you are ugly or not or whether anyone truly ever is or whether it matters in our society but even if we assume yes to all of these there are still too many uncertainties in this argument to make it the deciding factor:

  1. Your child may not inherit your looks. Neither of my kids look like me. DD especially when she was born was a carbon copy of my mil and Ds looks exactly like dh. My mil like you thinks she is ugly and was very upset that DD inherited her features. I told her that if DD gets her looks from her but also alongside the things that are amazing about her (my mil) then I'll be very happy as all those other things totally overshadow whatever she looks like.
  2. If your child inherits the features that you think make you ugly, they may look different on your child.
  3. Your child may not get bullied irrespective of what they look like or they may not get bullied because of their looks. They may get lucky and not come across bullies. But more importantly, There are so many things that make kids a target for bullying and you can't rule out all of them. From what I've found the only thing that might go some way in making them less of a target is to make sure they are confident, aren't afraid to stand up for themselves and that they have friends. Research has shown that having even one friend in their class makes kids a lot less likely to be bullied. None of these things are easy to achieve. I'm not saying they are. I think though they are more important than looks when it comes to bullying.

If you want to have kids go for it. Don't let this stop you. I do get the worry though. I worry for DD as well and though I think she's beautiful kids have pointed out to her the things that are different and sometimes I wish DD didn't have to deal with this and I worry if it will affect her body image when she's older but it's one of my many worries about my kids. And when I look at the kids in my dd's school how conventionally pleasing their face is has little to do with how popular they are. Confidence is the main thing.

Netcam · 05/10/2023 11:12

I think it's very sad that you feel this way. The world is made up of all shapes and sizes of people. I am sure there are men out there who do not fit societal conventions of what is attractive. Some might equally feel like nobody wants to be with them and might feel lonely, despite being kind, interesting and good company. This might be your opportunity to seek out others who feel like you do and fund a soul mate. Love is not all about looks and as we age, those looks start to fade for all of us, as I know at 53.

Netcam · 05/10/2023 11:12

Find not fund

MargotBamborough · 05/10/2023 11:39

Sorry OP but I simply don't believe you.

I know people who look like the back of a bus who are happily married with children.

It is your self loathing that puts people off, and that is what you need to work on.

This is not the same as saying you are an ugly person on the inside. Nobody is saying that.

Original poster
YesItIsTrue · 05/10/2023 12:28

MargotBamborough · 05/10/2023 11:39

Sorry OP but I simply don't believe you.

I know people who look like the back of a bus who are happily married with children.

It is your self loathing that puts people off, and that is what you need to work on.

This is not the same as saying you are an ugly person on the inside. Nobody is saying that.

That’s fine, then don’t.
I know the reality.

I see now you have moved on to ’self loathing’, if you have nothing helpful to say and only want to turn everything I say to being my -whatever- , then I think it’s best to stop posting, you clearly have no idea what you’re talking about and do not want to listen.

””This is not the same as saying you are an ugly person on the inside. Nobody is saying that.””

ladyvimes literally did. Like I said, if your only goal is to twist eveyrhing I say, just stop, it’s pointless.

And to NoWinterYear: Thank you for the lovely post.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 05/10/2023 13:06

Op you’ve posted threads about being ugly before haven’t you. I see you’ve avoided the question, I recognise you, inc the bit about you asking blokes out and them saying no “as is their right “

cam I ask what are you getting from repeatedly starting threads to tell people you’re ugly?

Motnight · 05/10/2023 13:10

MrsBobo · 04/10/2023 14:07

@Dramatic Like I said, if the OP feels so strongly this way about her looks, she needs to get help first.

I agree with this. It is unfair to bring a baby into the current situation.

HamBone · 05/10/2023 13:15

OP, I don’t think posters are denying your lived experience.

Personally, I don’t think it’s wise to have a child given how you feel at the moment. Part of being a parent is being positive and showing your child that life is full of possibilities. You’re not in the right place yet.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/10/2023 13:24

What the actual FUCK am I reading?

Original poster
YesItIsTrue · 05/10/2023 14:04

Janieforever · 05/10/2023 13:06

Op you’ve posted threads about being ugly before haven’t you. I see you’ve avoided the question, I recognise you, inc the bit about you asking blokes out and them saying no “as is their right “

cam I ask what are you getting from repeatedly starting threads to tell people you’re ugly?

No, I haven’t.

I’m sure I’m not the only woman who has asked men out.
And I haven’t used that expression, so clearly you’ve mistaken me.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesItIsTrue · 05/10/2023 14:04

SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/10/2023 13:24

What the actual FUCK am I reading?

?

OP posts:
H34th · 05/10/2023 14:52

Try imagining yourself as the child you want to give life to.

Write all the things that a little human could benefit from from being part of your small family (pros) and then write down the potential challenges for that child that you will not have control over (cons).

Gellhell · 05/10/2023 14:52

If you are kind you are unlikely to look objectively ugly.

On the other hand many people go around with sour faces and expressions like they are sucking on a lemon. They look awful. Just take a look around the high street.

mrsmingleton · 05/10/2023 14:56

SeulementUneFois · 04/10/2023 13:58

If you're going by sperm donor then select the absolute best looking one.
May want to try Denmark/ a northern country.
You can also find out the sex with an early test and only keep a male fetus.

WTF? This isn't China you know!!

LovelyMMOG · 05/10/2023 14:56

Gellhell · 05/10/2023 14:52

If you are kind you are unlikely to look objectively ugly.

On the other hand many people go around with sour faces and expressions like they are sucking on a lemon. They look awful. Just take a look around the high street.

This really isn’t true. That stupid Ronald Dahl thing has a lot to answer for. I know it’s meant kindly but really it’s just a way of telling ugly peoples they’re also nasty.

LovelyMMOG · 05/10/2023 14:58

*Roald, people

LostThestral · 05/10/2023 15:00

why only a girl? you'd be ok with an ugly boy then?

Combusting · 05/10/2023 15:02

SisterMichaelsHabit · 05/10/2023 13:24

What the actual FUCK am I reading?

Unfortunately the OP is quite significantly unwell and struggling, obviously. Perhaps those posting on the thread need to realise that this is not a situation where comments on a forum have the capacity to really help...