I would like to go and try to have a child, but I am absolutely terrified of it being a girl and be ugly like me.

[YesItIsTrue]

Had to live as one and it’s horrible.
But time is really running out on me and I have been seriously thinking about having a sperm donor, otherwise I’ll end up childless.

But what if it’s a girl, gets my looks and has to live a life as an ugly woman.
I would never forgive myself if that were to happen.

But selfishly I do want to be a mother and I most likely only have few short years left to have one.

I am also an ugly speccy bird now I am a bit fat also and I couldn't care less what society or anyone else thinks

Oh, OP. This is so sad to read.

Have you ever had a partner?

If you go ahead please seek therapy. Your child will pick up on your views and how you see yourself.
ideally you need to model self esteem.

Speaking as a solo parent by choice, I find a zero fucks given approach has served me very well and that... is not where you're at right now. Go get some counselling - preferably from someone with a specialism in fertility matters - to help you work through all your feelings and think about whether this is the right road for you. Best of luck!

OP, I'm not going to insult you by pretending no one is 'ugly' as some people are very far from our society's idea of attractive. These people may well have experienced disadvantage in their lives, including bullying. However, how many of these people who are loved, who have been supported since birth by a loving parent to achieve their goals, who've been taught all their lives to value traits other than looks.. .how many of them do you think wish they'd never been born?
So much of the importance we give to our looks is rooted in our confidence and self esteem. You may not be able to pass on beauty to your child but you can give them the values to understand it doesn't matter, and the tools to cope with a world that thinks it does.

Really sorry you feel like that OP. I think even if you aren’t conventionally attractive in the norms of what is held up as beautiful in this country, part of your issues MUST stem from something else.

There are plenty of women who aren’t viewed as physically attractive but are attractive to others due to their intellect, confidence, talents etc. You don’t just feel physically ugly, you feel unattractive meaning that you’re lacking in self esteem. I think you should definitely seek support because if you do have a daughter regardless of her looks, you don’t want to pass on this lack of self esteem.

Also, what’s with the numerous suggestions of a sperm donor from Denmark? Are kids from Denmark specifically good looking? I’d suggest getting a sperm donor from Ghana personally but clearly my ideas of beauty are different to some on here proving that beauty is defo subjective🤷🏽‍♀️ 😂😂

I get it OP. People who haven’t had their looks affect their education, relationships, career can’t get it. My self esteem isn’t low - I don’t value myself based on my looks, or at least it’s not the major thing. But objectively I know that my life experience has been shaped in part by my appearance and I wouldn’t wish that on my children.

My daughter is beautiful. Actually beautiful. I worry now that I don’t have the experience to be able to guide her through her teens and being a young woman who will receive male attention. You can’t win either way, as a parent there will always be something to worry about!

I was hoping someone would be brave enough to post this. And I absolutely agree.

“Ending up childless” is not that bad. Society tells you it is bad but it really isn’t.

Are you childless?

No.

Hi OP

Firstly, I absolutely do not think you need therapy. The people on this thread - and others - that trot out such nonsense most likely haven’t ever sought professional advice for their myriad flaws, but somehow think they’re somehow qualified to tell others to seek help. Boils my piss.

I think your candour is something to be admired. And I also think that the fact that you’re thinking about this is actually a great thing and shows how much you’re concerned for your child’s well-being. As adults, we all know that looks are by far the least interesting thing about a person. But children are cruel and, by their very nature, immature and focus on the most inane of qualities. That you’re reflecting on your own experiences of having been bullied in childhood and rejected by potential suitors in adulthood, and are worried about these being shared experiences with your child is good and proper and very responsible in my opinion.

There is no magical formula for creating a good-looking person, unfortunately. Heaven knows being better looking helps in every sphere of life. Countless studies show this to be true. So that’s out of your control. But what’s well within you control is the ability to cultivate a person who has high self-esteem and a robust self-worth and I’m sure you’ll be able to do that.

Your worries are completely valid and do not make you shallow or in any way inept at parenting. Just try and galvanise those concerns into something positive.

Knowing only this about you, I think you’ll be a brilliant mother. Just love them, uplift them and expose them to all of the beautiful things that life has to offer.

Best of luck on your journey to motherhood. It really is wonderful ❤️

Knowing only this about you, I think you’ll be a brilliant mother.

Why do you think that? raising children is incredibly hard, going solo and with massive insecurities is not a good combination.

I would advice the op to think carefully about having a child

Because she’s thinking carefully about the well-being of her child before she’s even conceived it. Using her lived experiences to reflect carefully on what that could mean for them. Heck, she’s even put her head above the parapet and asked the bloody god-awful trolls of MN for their opinion.

I am a lone parent and manage just fine, thanks. And we all have insecurities about one thing or another. If every person who had hang-ups, however great, chose not to procreate because of them the population would be fucked.

Purely practical advice. Please be aware (following on all the "check out the photos!" posts) that just because a sperm donor is physically attractive doesn't mean that he couldn't e.g. be an asymptomatic genetic carrier for conditions that are themselves disfiguring--there was a sad case of a Danish donor who, although he checked all the boxes for desirable traits, passed on neurofibromatosis (which manifests variously but can, among other things, lead to skin/nerve tumours all over the body) to a number of the children born of his sperm. Be sure that the company you work with does genetic testing on all possible donors!

Yes. Not originally by choice.

Sorry that happened.
And sorry if my comment came out with a wrath, I didn’t mean to.
(Sometimes people just give advice on things they don’t have personal expirience of).
It good you worked it out.

Some of the responses aren't very understanding. OP doesn't want her child to be a pretty doll to dress up, she just wants her to be able to pass in a crowd without attracting abuse and nasty comments.
There are things about our appearance that we can't change and can result in us being treated badly.
I am tall and slim. I wear nice clothes, I get my hair done. I also have a very non symetrical elongated face. It has attracted bullying , especially from men when I was younger and insensitive comments from some women.
It did lead to low self esteem but I did marry and have children who look perfectly fine.
Therapy and cosmetics would not have helped. I just had to tell myself that all I could do was get on with things and make the most of life,. I'm glad my kids don't look like me-I think they may have gone through feeling ashamed of me when they were teenagers but the low self confidence which I tried to hide doesn't seem to have stopped me bringing them up to be okay in themselves. I do feel confident in other areas of life, such as my intelligence and ability to do my job but I hate Zoom .
OP _ I think it would be a shame to miss out on having a child. People who aren't ugly might not understand why you're worried but, whatever your child looks like you can give love, support and encouragement. Most likely your child's features will average out between yours and their father's, especially if the father looks very different from you (e.g. long face/ round face). people who look average might find it hard to understand your concern.

I'm not saying do this but you could use an egg donor as well as sperm donor and be pregnant yourself, use a younger egg too. If you wanted to and had the funds.

My daughter looks like me. She has a lot of the bits of my face I dislike on me and have thought of as unattractive. On her though, they are beautiful, she is beautiful.

And how old are you?

Worrying about your child's physical appearance is not a good reason not to have a child. Firstly, your child may look nothing like you, either in childhood or adulthood. And secondly, there are plenty of people in the world who are not conventionally attractive and manage to live full, happy, successful lives. What you do with your life and your personal qualities are more important than what your face looks like, even in a world where we are often judged for our superficial appearance.

What does concern me about the idea of you having a child is that you are so hung up on this that you have not managed to form any intimate relationships in your life so far, and it is clearly affecting your mental wellbeing to a very unusual degree. It's difficult to see how you could raise a child without passing on your own insecurities to your child, regardless of what your child looks like. And if it has affected your ability to form personal relationships, that also means that there are fewer other people in your life who would be close to your child - no other parent for a start, especially if you go down the sperm donor route - so your relationship with your child would be particularly intense.

If you're still relatively young, I would put the idea of having a child on hold for now, get some therapy to work on your issues, and have a go at forming relationships with other adults.

If it's now or never, I really don't know. You don't sound ready, but you don't sound like you will ever be ready unless you do a lot of work on yourself first. And no, I don't mean cosmetic work.

It has affected OPs ability to form personal relationships because people react differently to a person who isn’t physically attractive. The post above makes it sound as if it’s somehow a fault in her. If someone is more than just a bit plain it can be difficult to find anyone who wants to be more than friends.

@Goneunderground66
Thank you.
Exactly.

@MargotBamborough
I’m not ’unable’ to form relationships.
But sadly, I’m not someone men are attracted to.
I don’t have mental health issues and me talking about my life shouldn’t be lazily labeled as ’insecurities’.
It’s just how things have gone.
And my fear is making another person possibly go through the same thing and the guilt I would feel.

Op can I ask have you posted about being “ugly”before. And quite a lot?

if so this would indicate it’s not something you accept as you say, so maybe you need some help in th4 form of counselling or therapy so maybe it’s not so constant on your mind and needing to talk about it.

There is so much wrong with this 🫢