I would like to go and try to have a child, but I am absolutely terrified of it being a girl and be ugly like me.

[YesItIsTrue]

Had to live as one and it’s horrible.
But time is really running out on me and I have been seriously thinking about having a sperm donor, otherwise I’ll end up childless.

But what if it’s a girl, gets my looks and has to live a life as an ugly woman.
I would never forgive myself if that were to happen.

But selfishly I do want to be a mother and I most likely only have few short years left to have one.

I fully agree with PP who have pointed out all of the many issues and suggested exploring further with a suitably qualified mental health professional before you do anything else. However, if it is something you’re actually considering, sex selection of embryos for non-medical reasons as part of IVF is legal in a small number of countries, such as the USA and Mexico. It’s more expensive and you run the risk that you might not get any embryos of your preferred sex but it is possible, legal and (in my opinion) would be less bad than the alternative of transferring an embryo knowing you would have a termination if the foetus isn’t your preferred sex.

I do think on threads like this posters telling OP that she's 'wrong' and she can somehow fix herself is another form of bullying. I don't believe for one minute that pretty much every single poster on this thread hasn't internally measured themselves up against women, and do so on a daily basis to a greater or lesser extent. It's just what human beings do. To deny that is to deny OP her very real experience of her own life. Particularly as a woman the way you look, the way you dress, the way you present yourself is judged every time you step out the door and for right or wrong, every single poster on here knows that. You do.

It seems as though @YesItIsTrue is very sure of herself and how the world views her. Don't diminish that by telling her she needs to fix herself or that she's wrong. She's absolutely right.

Rather than telling OP she's wrong maybe we should challenge the patriarchal views that women's appearance should matter so much, and the environment that allows men of even the most hideous countenance to prosper, whilst women are judged so harshly on their appearance and by extension are taught to judge other women. But that's for another thread!

OP, I get it. I have a daughter and I pray that she has my husband's genes rather than mine. I only have to look at a chocolate bar to put on weight, I've got a big nose and have been teased for having comically large breasts since I was 11. I was also horrendously spotty as a teenager and had to endure years of Roaccutane and others drugs. My sister in law on the other hand is petite, sporty and one of those lucky people who never got spots.

However, I survived and I actually think society is kinder to girls now than it used to be. And it definitely shouldn't put you off having children.

Oh FGS. Why don’t people read OP’s posts properly?!

She has been bullied her WHOLE life because of her looks. IF OP has placed value on looks (and I don’t think it’s as straightforward as that), it’s only because of her history - she doesn’t want that to happen to her child, which is understandable.

If this is genuine, then do not have a child, OP.

@EauDeGnome Exactly my thoughts.

I don’t think you can choose donor for what they look like? Maybe depends where you are ?
I know someone who did ivf in London with a donor several times actually, and she said you can’t see what they look like but you get to read a bunch of interesting things about them. Like a catalogue to read and you pick from there. But no pictures.

People aren’t saying the op’s lived experience is wrong. They’re suggesting therapy so she can have some sort of acceptance of herself. What’s so bad about that? I would rather try something to feel better than feel like shit all the time

To be honest when I was at school it was never about being pretty more about being popular. So having nice hair, clothes, makeup, social skills, confidence etc. obviously some people are very lucky and have it all but most don't. There is no way to predict the future so try not to worry. Very few people go through life with no issues at all.

The thing is, what OP is really asking is for a guarantee that her child won’t experience the same awful bullying she has endured and sadly that’s not something anyone can guarantee. Because bullies can latch onto anything as a reason to bully- you might have a child with a disability, as many of us do, or your child might become disabled, or they might struggle academically, or have a speech impediment, or be useless at football, or they might just have the misfortune to be the person a bully decides to pick on, for no obvious reason at all.

I get that OP wants to spare her child what she’s experienced herself but there simply is to any way to do that- looks are only one of a hundred different ways in which someone can stand out as different. So what one really needs is not a guarantee that a child will be beautiful but some confidence in one’s ability to support one’s child come what may and hopefully equip them with a measure of inner strength. That’s why people are talking about OP looking into therapy- not to deny her experience at all, the opposite if anything.

I don’t go around thinking I’m ugly, I don’t feel like shit.
I’ve accepted the cards that I was handed a long time a go.

I’m not thinking about sperm bank because of the donors looks - but because it’s my only option.

I’m not worried about having a daughter who doesn’t fall under accetable looks because of me, but because how they most likely would be treated.

I’m past worrying about anyone’s looks, my own or other’s, but I know most do care.
And I know just how much it determines on how one’s life is going to go.

Hopefully this will help those who comments multiple times and pretend that I’m the problem and need theraphy.

OMG! What counts as "ugly" Caterpillar eyebrows? Duck lips? Spider lashes? Orange skin? If you have nay of these I might agree. However ... beauty def in the eye f the beholder and you will def behold your child to be beautiful, no matter what!and btw, get some counselling.

Op your family go quiet when talking about relationships because you appear to have never had one. If you are in your 30s and never had one and they kept broaching the subject, that would be rude.

People not asking you out, or noticing you or accepting when you ask is more likely to be about your demeanour.

and I don’t understand why the fear is of an ugly girl not an ugly boy. Yes there’s more pressure on girls and looks but do really think life isn’t easier for good looking men. Do you not think men who aren’t conventionally attractive have a hard time of it too?

I don’t think it’s about looks. I think you don’t want to see a child that reminds you of yourself and think that’s more likely if they are a girl.

The fear of your potential daughter looking like you, isn’t putting you off having a child. You can’t say there’s no issue that you need to tackle.

Goodness, I hope this isn't real for the OP's sake.

They’re always been like that, even when I was young.
So, it’s not about that.

Of course, twist that too now. Must be my fault somwhow.

No one really cares about men’s looks, not that much at least.
So, no the worry just isin’t the same.

Just no.

And I just add that I know this is a sensitive subject. And people need to insist that it’s in my head or self-esteem, it’s sader that way.
But I have decades worth of expirience now, so I know what the reality is.

Honestly my advice is stop worrying and live your life. Have a baby. Love it, support it and be an amazing mum. Nothing in life is guaranteed. You can’t change what has happened in life but you can change your future. Don’t worry about things you have no control over

Have a baby. Who knows what it will look like. If you’re as conventionally unattractive as you say I wouldn’t let that put you off. Who knows what the baby will look like with half someone else’s genes?

Im sorry life has been cruel

I hear you OP. I really do. I fell in love with a man who just wasn't interested, on top of all that. It broke my heart and I've given up on love. I had a child via donor a decade ago. Best thing ever. Fate may have decided I would never have romantic love which hurts, but like fuck was it going to dictate my whole life. People who say don't do it can jog on. You deserve happiness.🙂

Where did I say it was your fault?

You feeling so insecure is unlikely to be your fault.

And yes, men's looks are judged. I clearly said not as much as womens.

You really want a child. And your looks is putting you off. If you can't see that's an internalised issue that's needs dealing with so you can have a child, there's not much anyone can say to help.

I think you would be mad to let this stop you. I think you need to do whatever you can to move past it so you can have a child,without this (obviously) huge worry.

Adoption? That way there is no anxiety about them looking like you. But I really don't think you are ugly, no matter what you say.

If I have one important thing I've learnt in life that I would share it's that no-one is thinking about you as much as you think they are. They are far too busy worrying about themselves. I'd be willing to bet you aren't ugly at all I bet you look like me ordinary and non descript.

As an aside. Plenty of model couples have children that are not like them and not notable. Equally some very unconventional parents have stunning children!

The who ’it’s you demeanour’ basically said it.
And now yoj go again.
I’m not insecure, at all.

Men’s looks really do not matter.
Of course handsome men get noticed, but it’s not tied to their worth.
By society.

And to add, I’m not talking about models looks here, I just want them to be closer to average, so they can live their lives in peace.
And if they so want, have a fighting change when it comes to relationships.
That’s all.

Have your baby you will love it and it will love you do what you need to do to be happy life is truly too short.