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AIBU?

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Original poster

He has a son ?? 😢

526 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 20:49

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week.

anyway tonight he tells me he can’t see me for 2 weeks. I thought he was going away for work so I asked. And his response is he’s having his little boy while the mum goes on holiday.

im absolutely gobsmacked and a little hurt. He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children. Personal and selfish reasons being that due to a medical reason I need ivf or help to try and have children and I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child. For reference I already know I am entitled too it on the nhs for my condition.

what do I do. I do like this guy but he’s lied to me over his child. But then I think what if I don’t meet anyone else I like. Help.

OP posts:
CountdownCat · 17/01/2023 20:50

Does your desire to have children outstrip your desire to carry on dating him?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/01/2023 20:50

You should be running full sprint for the hills, and when you get there, keep going.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2023 20:52

CountdownCat · 17/01/2023 20:50

Does your desire to have children outstrip your desire to carry on dating him?

I’d hope so!

Zanatdy · 17/01/2023 20:52

Well I’d be asking him why he didn’t tell you, and why he contacted you in the first place when your profile said you don’t date people with children. If children are important to you and you don’t have the money for private IVF then yes end it, as that’s got to be the deciding factor if you feel strong about it.

SmileWithADimple · 17/01/2023 20:52

Ditch him OP. He's lied to you and he'll stand in the way of your plans to have children. Better to end it now before you get too attached.

Dnadoon · 17/01/2023 20:52

Dump. He has been unforgiveably dishonest.

DestinysGrandchild · 17/01/2023 20:53

I'd leave it now. He's managed to go 12 weeks without telling you he has a son. Early stages or not, it shouldn't have been a secret.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2023 20:53

SmileWithADimple · 17/01/2023 20:52

Ditch him OP. He's lied to you and he'll stand in the way of your plans to have children. Better to end it now before you get too attached.

Definitely. He’s a liar. You don’t need that in your life. Disappointing but he’s intentionally misled you so thank your lucky stars you found out now. I’m sorry.

Dinodigger · 17/01/2023 20:53

LTB 100%

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 20:53

CountdownCat · 17/01/2023 20:50

Does your desire to have children outstrip your desire to carry on dating him?

100%. But I think In my head I’m thinking if he was the one I’d be open to Saving for ivf. I just hate that he’s lied to me.

OP posts:
Numberunknown · 17/01/2023 20:53

A lie is a lie and unacceptable, and that’s a pretty big lie

TomatoSandwiches · 17/01/2023 20:56

If he read your profile and still went ahead, could he perhaps be lying about having a child as a way to get out of the relationship and have you end it?

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 20:57

I think he knows he’s messed up. My face gave me away when he told me. He keeps messaging me saying he’s sorry he didn’t tell me etc.

if he’d told me from the start I might have just about accepted it, but 12 weeks down the line I’m annoyed. I haven’t replied but I know this is the end.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 17/01/2023 20:58

I agree re running for the hills.

Lying to you this early on is a terrible sign. This is him on his best behaviour.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 20:58

TomatoSandwiches · 17/01/2023 20:56

If he read your profile and still went ahead, could he perhaps be lying about having a child as a way to get out of the relationship and have you end it?

Oh no he definitely has a son, he quite happily showed me pictures in the restaurant and he is the splitting image of him.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 17/01/2023 20:58

Bin him

LongerThanADryJanuary23 · 17/01/2023 20:58

He's not 'the one' - he deliberately misled you about him having a child when you'd explicitly written on your profile 'no children'
Back in the sea for him.

Chaz5rascals · 17/01/2023 20:58

I think I’m missing the point but when/how did he lie? Have you told him you need ivf to have a child? It’s very early days and I understand your online dating profile should have made your feelings about dating a parent clear but he may not have looked at it properly or he liked the sound of you and thought he’d contact you anyway.

ButterCrackers · 17/01/2023 20:58

Your need to have a child by ivf is greater than this relationship. He should have said about his child. Time to move on and find someone else who respects you.

Findyourneutralspace · 17/01/2023 20:59

That’s a massive lie, albeit by omission. I’d be really hurt, and lost trust. You’d be well within your rights to call it a day.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 21:00

Chaz5rascals · 17/01/2023 20:58

I think I’m missing the point but when/how did he lie? Have you told him you need ivf to have a child? It’s very early days and I understand your online dating profile should have made your feelings about dating a parent clear but he may not have looked at it properly or he liked the sound of you and thought he’d contact you anyway.

He lied because he didn’t tell me he had a son. We spoke about kids on the 2nd or 3rd date, just generalised chat about did we want them etc . We both said yes but he never once said oh by the way i have one already.

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 17/01/2023 21:00

You're 3 months in, that's nothing. I'd move on to find what you're actually looking for.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 21:01

EmmaDilemma5 · 17/01/2023 21:00

You're 3 months in, that's nothing. I'd move on to find what you're actually looking for.

Yep. On to the next one. I’ve reactivated my dating profile.

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 17/01/2023 21:02

Move on and find what you’re looking for; 3 months is nothing and if he can lie about having a kid, then he could lie about anything.

would not wish being a stepparent on my worst enemy anyway

TooManyChoicesNotEnoughDecisions · 17/01/2023 21:02

Does he have the money to pay for IVF?

Has he given any indication whether he wants more children?

You need to consider whether you actually have a better chance with someone where things are going well and looking hopeful, rather than continuing to date people who might turn out to be completely unsuitable anyway. I couldn't have pursued a relationship with someone who didn't want children, or who would refuse to go through with IVF, but if he's willing to save towards it as well, maybe this isn't a deal breaker.