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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has a son ?? 😢

526 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 20:49

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week.

anyway tonight he tells me he can’t see me for 2 weeks. I thought he was going away for work so I asked. And his response is he’s having his little boy while the mum goes on holiday.

im absolutely gobsmacked and a little hurt. He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children. Personal and selfish reasons being that due to a medical reason I need ivf or help to try and have children and I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child. For reference I already know I am entitled too it on the nhs for my condition.

what do I do. I do like this guy but he’s lied to me over his child. But then I think what if I don’t meet anyone else I like. Help.

OP posts:
AutumnScream · 17/01/2023 21:40

Liar by omission. Glad you have binned him off op who the hell doesn't mention their whole ass child for three months?!

Merryoldgoat · 17/01/2023 21:41

Children are, or should be, a major part of your life. Keeping them secret/not mentioning them for twelve weeks takes significant effort and for me it’s clear he was keeping their existence from you.

neverbeenskiing · 17/01/2023 21:42

don't text - call him

Why? He has deliberately decieved her for three months, OP doesn't owe him anything.

x2boys · 17/01/2023 21:42

You have only been seeing him 12weeks he told you be had a son if you were two years down the line I can understand your concerns but 12weeks only seeing him twice a week?
by al! Means ,ditch him if you don't want to.date a man.with a child but he's told you fairly quick!y

whynotwhatknot · 17/01/2023 21:44

he lied on his profile and in a conversation about kids-thats enough to dump

SpaceshiptoMars · 17/01/2023 21:44

@CharlotteRose90 Having a child by IVF can be very stressful and very hard on a relationship. Being a stepmother is said by many women to be the hardest job they have ever done - even if they've run businesses, been directors etc, etc. Trying to do the 2 things together is asking too much of flesh and blood. Even if he'd been honest, this was never going to work.

DulcetTones · 17/01/2023 21:44

I'd rather not have dated someone with children because I wouldn't have wanted to be a step-mother, as a young woman. There are plenty of valid reasons for wanting to know someone's status regarding parenthood, and normal people have no problem telling potential dates the truth about that part of their lives.

Despite him seeming like a good match in other ways, I agree with PP who say that he can't have been all that great if he was able to withhold all information about his son for 12 weeks of dating. A decent father would have had cause to mention his child, which indicates that he was either intentionally concealing his son's existence or isn't a very hands-on father. That's not the kind of man I'd want to have children with.

You're well rid of him, either way.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2023 21:45

x2boys · 17/01/2023 21:42

You have only been seeing him 12weeks he told you be had a son if you were two years down the line I can understand your concerns but 12weeks only seeing him twice a week?
by al! Means ,ditch him if you don't want to.date a man.with a child but he's told you fairly quick!y

No. She said she didn’t want to date anyone with kids. He knew that when he contacted her. And he’s lied to her for 3 months. He’s a dick.

Shitfather · 17/01/2023 21:45

That’s utterly shit and unacceptable. You’ve done the right thing. I don’t mention I have a child on my profile, but will Al away mention it in the first few messages - always before any date to give the the guy a chance to say no.
I hope you meet someone wonderful and honest.

Rosiestraws · 17/01/2023 21:46

x2boys · 17/01/2023 21:42

You have only been seeing him 12weeks he told you be had a son if you were two years down the line I can understand your concerns but 12weeks only seeing him twice a week?
by al! Means ,ditch him if you don't want to.date a man.with a child but he's told you fairly quick!y

Eh? this is ridiculous... you wouldn't tell someone you were dating for 3 months if you have children?! I agree with PP that it ought to come up on the first date (if not, like OP had assumed from her profile/his profile) and that he must have been actively avoiding mentioning him for the while time. Especially over Xmas as others have said!

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 17/01/2023 21:48

He's misled you. By replying to your profile in the first place, he implied that he had no children.

Timeandthymeagain · 17/01/2023 21:48

Same thing happened to me I was in waaaay to deep and thought I could make it work.
15 years later my life is a living hell. DSS is a constant reminder of my infertility and it breaks my heart daily.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 21:49

x2boys · 17/01/2023 21:42

You have only been seeing him 12weeks he told you be had a son if you were two years down the line I can understand your concerns but 12weeks only seeing him twice a week?
by al! Means ,ditch him if you don't want to.date a man.with a child but he's told you fairly quick!y

No I’m sorry I don’t agree with that. We both spoke about kids on the 2nd or 3rd date and both said we wanted them. Never once did he tell me he had one. That should have been his time to own up. I wouldn’t have wanted to be introduced either but I want to know. 12 weeks is too late in my book.

OP posts:
Itloggedmeoutagain · 17/01/2023 21:50

Did you go to his house?
No pics?
No child's bedroom?
A few people have mentioned Christmas..... How can you go through Christmas and not mention a child.
Regardless of the ins and outs of who qualifies for IVF on the NHS, she said she didn't want to date someone with kids. It's that simple.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 17/01/2023 21:50

Bin, bin, bin.

Any man who's child is so peripheral to his life that he can keep it hidden for months on end is not a good person, period. Get rid ASAP.

QueenSmartypants · 17/01/2023 21:51

I also agree with a call over a text but you've probably sent it now! Good decision all the same. For me, as a pp said, I'd take it as a massive red flag that in 12weeks he hasn't mentioned his son once! Not a man to trust. Not a decent man.

SpaceshiptoMars · 17/01/2023 21:52

@CharlotteRose90 Good career, your own house, strong independent woman? Irresistable to a man who needs a roof over their child's head EOW!

Woolandwonder · 17/01/2023 21:52

Chaz5rascals · 17/01/2023 20:58

I think I’m missing the point but when/how did he lie? Have you told him you need ivf to have a child? It’s very early days and I understand your online dating profile should have made your feelings about dating a parent clear but he may not have looked at it properly or he liked the sound of you and thought he’d contact you anyway.

I'd expect to know if someone had children before 24 dates in. I mean it's quite a big thing for someone not to mention in that time.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 17/01/2023 21:52

Dump. He's a liar by omission, I couldn't imagine keeping my wee one a secret.

Gymnopedie · 17/01/2023 21:52

Itloggedmeoutagain · 17/01/2023 21:50

Did you go to his house?
No pics?
No child's bedroom?
A few people have mentioned Christmas..... How can you go through Christmas and not mention a child.
Regardless of the ins and outs of who qualifies for IVF on the NHS, she said she didn't want to date someone with kids. It's that simple.

To me it sounds like it's been restaurants/pubs up to now. Which now I think about it could also be a red flag. From the OP: So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week.

DrManhattan · 17/01/2023 21:53

Huge lie. Get rid.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 21:53

He has replied to me. He said he didn’t tell me as he saw on my profile I wouldn’t date anyone with kids. He thought he could change my mind I’m guessing. He wants a second chance haha. I wouldn’t have had a problem being a stepmum if I had a child already as I truly love kids but the want for my own comes first. I couldn’t raise someone’s kid and suffer infertility. It would break me . It that makes me selfish so be it.

OP posts:
Newlifefortyplus · 17/01/2023 21:55

He overstepped your clear boundaries on his first contact with you, that's the man he is

Itloggedmeoutagain · 17/01/2023 21:57

Gymnopedie · 17/01/2023 21:52

To me it sounds like it's been restaurants/pubs up to now. Which now I think about it could also be a red flag. From the OP: So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week.

Show quote history

Yes I agree

Whattfit · 17/01/2023 21:57

This happened to me many years ago. I didn't run for the hills as I should have done because I liked him. Only to find out it was two children, a messy ongoing separation and debts up to his eyeballs. I learnt eventually but it took me a long time to wise up.
He told me he knew I wouldn't have dated him if I knew the truth.

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