He has a son ?? 😢

[CharlotteRose90]

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week.

anyway tonight he tells me he can’t see me for 2 weeks. I thought he was going away for work so I asked. And his response is he’s having his little boy while the mum goes on holiday.

im absolutely gobsmacked and a little hurt. He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children. Personal and selfish reasons being that due to a medical reason I need ivf or help to try and have children and I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child. For reference I already know I am entitled too it on the nhs for my condition.

what do I do. I do like this guy but he’s lied to me over his child. But then I think what if I don’t meet anyone else I like. Help.

Yes I’ve been to his house twice . He has pictures in his house but not any of a young child on their own. All family pictures. He has a spare room which isn’t assuming is the sons bedroom but he said his office was in there and I didn’t have any reason not to believe him.

oh and yes I saw him at Christmas on Christmas Eve as we exchanged token presents . He was with his family the rest and even sent me pictures. I don’t honestly get why he hid him.

I wouldn't be as polite as you, OP.

If the "no men with kids" was visible to him (don't use OLD so I don't know) then he was arrogant in the extreme to decide he knew better than you and was entitled to disregard your clearly communicated choice.

For him not to mention that he had a child when you have specifically discussed children and the prospect of having children, is extremely dishonest. That's a lie by omission.

To go 12 weeks - by your estimation 24 dates - without once mentioning his child rings huge alarm bells for me. Either he has very deceitfully decided to withhold this information (until he felt you were too invested to stand by your "no kids" rule?) or his child is not a big part of his life and is not often on his mind. Either way, not the kind of man I'm interested in.

I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that I consider him a manipulative, dishonest creep and don't wish to see him again. Then block and forget.

More fool him.

I hate men who subscribe to the whole "it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission", it's one of the most disrespectful, Manipulative and controlling attitudes there is.

You're well rid.

controllin

How did he not bring up his son in conversation in 12 weeks? My son is my world.

You have to wonder how many other clear boundaries he’d completely ignore if it suited him.

Its highly arrogant, and manipulative, to assume that he’s such a catch he’d persuade you to ditch your stance.

He's clearly made a concerted effort to pretend he doesn't have a child, and did this over Christmas when most parents want to talk about how exciting Christmas was for their children.

How could you ever trust him again?

Well done for getting rid.

You are not selfish - you are self aware and have good boundaries.

It’s a dealbreaker for you and that’s fine. I don’t talk about my DS to anyone I’m dating until I’m quite sure I actually like them, and no one actually meets him until I’ve known them at minimum of six months. So he has only met two partners in the past 12 years but that’s appropriate in my view.

If you were clear about not dating someone with kids he shouldn’t have kept it from you. That’s deliberate and lying by omission. Throw him back. It’s a dealbreaker.

You clearly aren’t compatible, he may also not be willing to have a baby via IVF.

I would say this is a major red flag. Pay attention to the red flags.

Im child free by choice which is the reason this would piss me off plus the lying of course.

Urgh he lied. How could he not come clean when you told him you need ivf to have children

I find it very strange when people hide their children.

I get why you are upset. You could potentially down the line have 2 rounds of ivf and it may not work. You could meet a guy in the future who cannot have kids and not know it.

Maybe he wanted to get to know you a bit better before telling you.

I think you may be jumping the gun if he's decent otherwise but it's your call.

That's a big lie

Manipulative in fact.

How does a parent not mention their child for 12 weeks. Next op.

This man didn’t tell you because he knows that having a child makes him less desirable to some (a lot of) women. And he can’t have that.
He wants it both ways. He wants to be able to get a girlfriend as easily as a man would without children, and he also wants to be a dad.

And he dropped it on you like a bombshell so matter of factly, “Can’t tonight I have my son” as if it’s not going to be big news to you or anything.
You have your WHAT, now?
No sitting down and telling you his huge secret. Just a passing comment about him having his son. Nice.

Selfish and deceitful behaviour. He’ll be lucky if you stick with him. Hope it all works out whatever you decide to do.

So without even knowing you he decided you were wrong and that you do want to infact date someone with a child? What an arrogant time waster. On to the next one.

Has he got an ex that won’t let him have the kid unless it suits her. Maybe there is a problem and he doesn’t get to see the kid very often ?
I agree he should have told you but I think there could be other reasons why.

It’s not just that he has lied to you op, it’s also the fact that his son means so little to him that he has found it easy not to talk about him, refer to him or even acknowledge his existence. Not exactly prime daddy material.

I hate liars and he was deceiving you because it was clearly on your profile. He was hoping you'd be too invested to give him up. I'd dump him for that alone.

How has he lied?! You’d think, wouldn’t you, that in the course of more than 20 dates, he’d have mentioned his son? He’s lied by omission. And it’s a pretty big lie.

sorry op but you know you can’t come back from that, regardless of the ivf situation. I wonder what else has slipped his mind to tell you?

Not selfish, I actually think it’s very honest and too many people try to push aside what they really feel to please others, or compromise on things that are uncompromising.

You know you. Nothing selfish about that.

Yeah, it’s a pretty big thing to keep from you. My DH was up front and honest about the fact that he’d had the snip so that if we got together then there would be no children together. We each already had two but I appreciated the honesty because it showed he cared enough to allow me to leave if kids were a big thing. They genuinely weren’t actually.

You need to think about what’s right for you and go for it.

He lied yes, but did you tell him you can't have children when you discussed wanting them? It's a pretty big deal having fertility issues, has it not dawned on you people might not want to date someone who will struggle? You might be better dating someone who already has children as then you aren't potentially taking away the other person's chance to be a father. Someone who already has children will be far more accepting. I think if you are being picky over this it's only fair you are open too. If someone had told me on the first date they couldn't have kids without ivf there'd have been no second date.