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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this absolutely petty of me - children's party

175 replies

Oak268 · 31/12/2022 06:30

Regular contributor but name changed as this could be outing

I do think this is probably trivial of me but it's really irritated me and need views on if I'm just petty

4 friends since children were all born within weeks of each other. Not NCT but similar, met at local post natal class

3 of the 4 of us always generous - hosted Christmas parties or playdates across the years. And held birthday parties which all 4 children were all always invited to over last 7 years (bar covid year) , despite them being at different nurseries and now schools.

So friend 4 has always benefited from bowling, soft play you name it - but always said she didn't like to have to host (beautiful house!) And didn't believe in parties for her daughter until they were old enough to remember them as adults - but happy to come to all of ours, including in the last few months

Pictures all over Facebook today of her daughter's massive birthday party, disco, entertainment the lot - and not one of the four children invited.

Aibu? Recognise they all have friendship groups at 7 but would you not think you should pay it back a bit? I felt irrationally irritated

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 31/12/2022 06:35

I'd be slightly miffed yes, although not massively annoyed.

At least you didn't have to buy a birthday present so you've saved yourself some money their. Every cloud and all that.

londonrach · 31/12/2022 06:37

She obviously not a friend. Let it go.

Seashor · 31/12/2022 06:37

I’d be a bit pissed off too and that would be the end of her daughter’s invitation.

Nimbostratus100 · 31/12/2022 06:40

Maybe she invited a group that all know each other, maybe she always goes to their parties too, maybe she cant afford everybody, maybe her child doesn't like yours, or didn't want to invite yours,

I wouldn't worry about it. Your child throws parties and goes to parties, the two groups won't ever in their life overlap exactly

lifeinthehills · 31/12/2022 06:42

Looks like she just decided to invite her daughter's class group? Maybe her relationship with the group you are part of was more about her own connection with you than the children having any friendship? I suppose it would have been nice to have been invited but she's obviously got a different view of the place of your relationship than you do.

Merlott · 31/12/2022 06:43

That's a bit savage of her to throw a big party and not invite the 3.

Some people prefer to have a smaller gathering e.g. for family only but sounds like that isn't the case here.

You can cut out the invites if you want to retaliate but honestly it will be the DC who will all feel the consequences so I wouldn't be in any hurry to do anything.

In the long run it's the happiness of my DC I care about more than some tit for tat with a random mum. Because without the DC she is a random, not your friend really...!

PuttingDownRoots · 31/12/2022 06:45

Are the children friends or just the parents? Honestly by 7 the children usually chose the guest list.

Windtunnel · 31/12/2022 06:46

Yes sounds as if she's lacking in the imagination department and has just thought about a guest list from one area of her child's life only, i.e the class.

Some people are jist not very bright....

IglesiasPiggl · 31/12/2022 06:49

I think this happens quite a lot with friendship groups formed around the birth of the children. People do move on gradually once the school years begin, particularly if they're at different schools. I would let her do so, as she clearly wants to. Unless your DC really likes hers as a particular friend, just tail off with the invites if things aren't reciprocated.

camelfinger · 31/12/2022 06:50

I think she kind of has a point about parties for when they were young. They are probably more for the adults than the children, they are too young to remember. We certainly attended parties for very young children but didn’t reciprocate as it seemed like a lot of hassle and money for something the children are unlikely to remember. And now they’re 7 they probably have lots of friends in their class to invite rather than from baby groups. From our NCT group it’s only the mums that get together (occasionally dads), the kids probably wouldn’t recognise each other!

Untitledsquatboulder · 31/12/2022 06:55

She's a taker, some people are. Now you recognise it you can decide how you want to proceed.

frylite · 31/12/2022 06:55

I'd say the adults are more friends than the kids.

Caspianberg · 31/12/2022 06:57

I wouldn’t mind. It’s only the child who gets affected if you cut them off, and presumably they and your children are still friends. So I would continue to invite

Same as with a gift. I don’t give a gift, to expect one in return.

Testina · 31/12/2022 07:05

She’s always been open about not doing parties. Now, at 7 her child will have asked for one. If it’s a “school friends” party, it’s not unusual at all not to invite other children. Even if these 3 are her friends, it’s not unusual. I’ve got teenagers so I’ve been through this, “friends from school, scouts, football, NCT…” groups thing. That’s as a party attendee too - the parties weren’t mixed. Even my 15yo won’t invite football & school friends together, “no mum, that’s weird, they don’t know each other, it’ll be awkward”.

That’s before you get into whether these 4 kids are actually friends. Neither of my teens formed close relationships with the NCT kids they spend their first 5 years with.

Untitledsquatboulder · 31/12/2022 07:06

It's only the child that gets affected if you cut them off

As you can see from the OP's post it's not just the child who is affected. And if you are correct then she needs to show her child healthy boundaries. Reciprocity is one of the key ingredients of friendship - its the difference between being a friend and being a doormat in fact.

whateveryouwantmetosay · 31/12/2022 07:06

Agree that she isn't your friend. You may have thought so, buts it's clear here that you value the relationship more than she does. Good riddance.

upfucked · 31/12/2022 07:08

Are your children friends?

Glitterblue · 31/12/2022 07:11

I'd feel a bit miffed too but sometimes by 7 when they're starting to invite school friends, the whole class gets invited and it can be expensive- perhaps they couldn't afford to invite more than that or perhaps it's that by this age, it's more the parents who are friends than the children. DD eventually got to the age where she didn't really know the children of friends I made when she was a baby, because they all went to different schools and didn't have the playdates they used to have regularly before they were at school. Also she didn't enjoy the parties of those children as she got older, because she didn't know anyone.

olympicsrock · 31/12/2022 07:16

It’s normal not to mix groups.

It’s mean of her never to reciprocate hospitality though. She should do some treats for all the kids. If not then she needs dropping from your meetups.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 31/12/2022 07:16

Are your children still really friends? By 7, my DC just wanted to ask classmates. My friends DC’s at other schools we’re not actually her friends

MusicstillonMTV · 31/12/2022 07:17

It's pretty poor form that she happily brought her DD along to parties recently and then didn't do a return invitation if it was a big party. It also sounds like, over the years, she hasn't hosted any playdates either.

Wishawisha · 31/12/2022 07:19

I think in most ante natal / post natal friendship groups over the years a few genuine friendships emerge. I have this with NCT.

Also note that birthday parties can be tricky with numbers - I know a lot of venues and entertainers that have strict numbers, usually about 24 or 26, so parties are often just the school class.

One of my NCT friends (who has become a real friend) still hosts big Christmas get togethers or mass play dates. The rest of us is don’t reciprocate as a group though and haven’t for years because we aren’t really a big group anymore. I have this specific friend and her DC over a lot and put a lot of effort into maintaining our friendship but not with all of them.

I wouldn’t cut her out but I’d dial it down a bit, I don’t think she sees you as her core group of friends.

Pterrydactyl · 31/12/2022 07:20

I’d be a bit annoyed too.

But is it one of those cases where the parents friendship is much stronger than the kids friendship?

StridTheKiller · 31/12/2022 07:21

You'll get all the excuse makers here, but in the real world you are not being unreasonable.

Paq · 31/12/2022 07:21

Untitledsquatboulder · 31/12/2022 06:55

She's a taker, some people are. Now you recognise it you can decide how you want to proceed.

This.