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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this absolutely petty of me - children's party

175 replies

Oak268 · 31/12/2022 06:30

Regular contributor but name changed as this could be outing

I do think this is probably trivial of me but it's really irritated me and need views on if I'm just petty

4 friends since children were all born within weeks of each other. Not NCT but similar, met at local post natal class

3 of the 4 of us always generous - hosted Christmas parties or playdates across the years. And held birthday parties which all 4 children were all always invited to over last 7 years (bar covid year) , despite them being at different nurseries and now schools.

So friend 4 has always benefited from bowling, soft play you name it - but always said she didn't like to have to host (beautiful house!) And didn't believe in parties for her daughter until they were old enough to remember them as adults - but happy to come to all of ours, including in the last few months

Pictures all over Facebook today of her daughter's massive birthday party, disco, entertainment the lot - and not one of the four children invited.

Aibu? Recognise they all have friendship groups at 7 but would you not think you should pay it back a bit? I felt irrationally irritated

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 01/01/2023 17:43

But are the 4 kids good friends? If not, it would be weird to invite them.

I'm not clear how much you all see each other with the kids these days, but this is around the age my dc were less keen to mix with my friends' kids, as they had chosen their own friends. I had a circle of 6 NCT friends and the kids went to each others' parties until about age 5, then it petered out. However we don't see each other with the kids any more and they wouldn't recognise each other!

I think it would have been polite if your friend had given you a heads up and said her dc was having a party but only inviting friends from school/wherever.

Beautiful3 · 01/01/2023 18:19

She obviously doesn't consider your children, friends of her son. I'd stop inviting her child to future events.

LoisLane66 · 01/01/2023 18:28

Are you talking about YOU being one of FOUR friends and each of you has ONE child ie: 4 children between you? It's not made clear in your post.

Hopeistaysane · 01/01/2023 19:06

What a CF she is, bin her. That’s mega cheeky, happy to take everyone else’s hospitality but thinks she is too good to include you all. Screw that, she would be gone after I told her exactly why!

Solonge · 01/01/2023 19:26

I know a group of women all in their thirties who were all great close friends from playschool....they meet up at Xmas most years and try and squeeze in several weekends a year together with their kids. They still live within a couple of hours drive of eachother... One of the mums has never invited any of these mums and their kids to her kids parties...despite her kids being invited to theirs. The reason? these women were all brought up in a small backwater....not very sophisticated....now this mum lives in a trendy city and her kids all have city smart friends....they all believe its because she doesnt want the other mums to know her provenance or her friend set when away from her home.

Solonge · 01/01/2023 19:27

Oak268 · 31/12/2022 06:30

Regular contributor but name changed as this could be outing

I do think this is probably trivial of me but it's really irritated me and need views on if I'm just petty

4 friends since children were all born within weeks of each other. Not NCT but similar, met at local post natal class

3 of the 4 of us always generous - hosted Christmas parties or playdates across the years. And held birthday parties which all 4 children were all always invited to over last 7 years (bar covid year) , despite them being at different nurseries and now schools.

So friend 4 has always benefited from bowling, soft play you name it - but always said she didn't like to have to host (beautiful house!) And didn't believe in parties for her daughter until they were old enough to remember them as adults - but happy to come to all of ours, including in the last few months

Pictures all over Facebook today of her daughter's massive birthday party, disco, entertainment the lot - and not one of the four children invited.

Aibu? Recognise they all have friendship groups at 7 but would you not think you should pay it back a bit? I felt irrationally irritated

If you want to get really petty.....get all your friends to like the photos and ask if it was the first party her child had ever had......

Newnamenewname109870 · 01/01/2023 19:52

She should have at least told you if you weren’t invited!

Zanatdy · 01/01/2023 19:54

I’d be annoyed too. But I guess she can decide who she invites. I wouldn’t be so petty as not to invite her child back though, that only upsets the child

Missingpop · 01/01/2023 23:36

I guess you’ve just found out who your true friends are !!! it does seem to be a bit harsh taking from all three of you over the years then cutting your children out when she does finally have a party for her Dc; maybe the three of you need to break that contact & cut your losses x

Cate0101 · 02/01/2023 08:42

Here’s the word you need. Disappointed. Say it. Then move on. It’s not important.

What you need to know is that people have their own friendship groups and sometimes they don’t overlap for a myriad of reasons.

One thing I can tell you for sure is that give it a year or two and you will be in a totally different land with your kids and their friends and their friends parents.

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 02/01/2023 09:32

She’s not interested in your group- she’s tried to tell you. They came to your parties etc as were invited. Yes, you are being petty, not everyone feels the same way.

Fraine · 02/01/2023 09:44

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 02/01/2023 09:32

She’s not interested in your group- she’s tried to tell you. They came to your parties etc as were invited. Yes, you are being petty, not everyone feels the same way.

Well, hopefully OP and her friends will stop inviting her to her parties.

You find that petty?

Tandora · 02/01/2023 09:51

Cate0101 · 02/01/2023 08:42

Here’s the word you need. Disappointed. Say it. Then move on. It’s not important.

What you need to know is that people have their own friendship groups and sometimes they don’t overlap for a myriad of reasons.

One thing I can tell you for sure is that give it a year or two and you will be in a totally different land with your kids and their friends and their friends parents.

It’s not “disappointed” though. That doesn’t capture the emotion at all. I’m sure OP isn’t actually desperate for her or her DC to attend a particular party. It’s about a feeling of being taken advantage of- the lack of consideration and reciprocity in the friendship.

OP I was fully going to say YANBU until I saw the child was 7. I think that’s different from baby/ toddler parties where mums invite their friends. I still see why it annoyed you though!

CatLandlady · 04/01/2023 06:40

I think everyone is being a bit harsh on the friend. I would interpret this as the 4 ‘not-NCT’ adults being friends, and when they all meet up the kids get a bonus hang out. I don’t think it’s a slight on your friendships OP. Just that the kids have chosen the invite list and/or there was a cap on numbers. … BUT she could have also had a separate catch-up for your group to show it.

Also don’t think that one needs to offer a party invite in return for a party invite - IMO you ‘pay’ for the party invite by taking a gift.

In summary, I don’t think this is a reflection on how the friend feels about you (but she could have been more transparent).

ridiculoso82 · 04/01/2023 07:11

This friend never ever presented a front

She said right from the outset

I don’t like hosting play dates so won’t be
I don’t intend to do parties until the children are able to remember

She out her cards on the table right from the offing. The OP knew this and continued to invite. The friend accepted.

The children go to different schools. Much less time together, if any. The child reaches an age when the friend thinks time for first party. Invites school friends. The OP’s child would have rocked up at a party knowing no one but the birthday girl and the other two girls if both able to attend - would have been rather intimidating for them in any event!

Had the friend misled by constantly promising she would invite them for a play date etc. then I would understand, but the friend put her cards on the table. The Op had the full facts and continued to invite.

ridiculoso82 · 04/01/2023 07:13

The fact I’ve read some posters describe the friend as a “bi@ch” and a “cu@t” and presuming these posters are… mothers, is quite shocking actually.

ridiculoso82 · 04/01/2023 07:15

Fraine · 02/01/2023 09:44

Well, hopefully OP and her friends will stop inviting her to her parties.

You find that petty?

Show quote history

Petty if their children are desperate for the friend’s child to attend but the OP refuses to on the grounds that they’ve not been invited.

But otherwise, no. Not at all petty just to let things naturally fizzle out

ridiculoso82 · 04/01/2023 07:17

Solonge · 01/01/2023 19:27

If you want to get really petty.....get all your friends to like the photos and ask if it was the first party her child had ever had......

Show quote history

You would actually contact all your friends and ask them to do this?

I would be 😮 if any of my friends came to me asking me to be this petty

Solonge · 04/01/2023 17:04

ridiculoso82 · 04/01/2023 07:17

You would actually contact all your friends and ask them to do this?

I would be 😮 if any of my friends came to me asking me to be this petty

Show quote history

If you read the original thread...there are a group of women who are friends whose kids attend eachothers parties...except for one. The friends I would contact...probably on a messenger chat thread...would be that friend group.... thats what I meant by all your friends... sigh.

SomeonesKnockingAtTheDoorSomeonesRingingTheBell · 05/01/2023 08:58

This friend never ever presented a front
She said right from the outset
I don’t like hosting play dates so won’t be
I don’t intend to do parties until the children are able to remember
She out her cards on the table right from the offing

But that doesn't answer why the OP hasn't been invited now that the "friend" has decided her children can remember parties and is doing them

Oioicaptain · 18/07/2023 21:32

It sounds like a class group party. It's often the easiest thing to do and hard to then invite other friends due to numbers.

Sing15 · 18/11/2023 10:11

N

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 18/11/2023 10:22

What a bitch! I wouldn’t invite her or her child anymore.

Speak to the other mums and check that you’re all on board with this approach.

She’s a using twat.

zingally · 18/11/2023 10:54

It's not wrong to feel annoyed. But the kid is 7. That's a LONG way from the baby class age.

At that age, the birthday child would (rightly!) want to invite the children she knows, has grown up with, and is actually friendly with. And not invite kids she barely remembers, who she didn't go to nursery or school with, and who she didn't chose as friends for herself.

When did your own child mention the birthday kid out loud? If it hasn't been with fond recollection, or "I want to play with X" within the past six months, then forget about it.

It's not wrong to feel annoyed about the amount of reciprocation over the years, but I think it's time to accept that the friendship with this particularly mum has probably run it's course.

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