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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this absolutely petty of me - children's party

175 replies

Oak268 · 31/12/2022 06:30

Regular contributor but name changed as this could be outing

I do think this is probably trivial of me but it's really irritated me and need views on if I'm just petty

4 friends since children were all born within weeks of each other. Not NCT but similar, met at local post natal class

3 of the 4 of us always generous - hosted Christmas parties or playdates across the years. And held birthday parties which all 4 children were all always invited to over last 7 years (bar covid year) , despite them being at different nurseries and now schools.

So friend 4 has always benefited from bowling, soft play you name it - but always said she didn't like to have to host (beautiful house!) And didn't believe in parties for her daughter until they were old enough to remember them as adults - but happy to come to all of ours, including in the last few months

Pictures all over Facebook today of her daughter's massive birthday party, disco, entertainment the lot - and not one of the four children invited.

Aibu? Recognise they all have friendship groups at 7 but would you not think you should pay it back a bit? I felt irrationally irritated

OP posts:
GoTeamRocket · 31/12/2022 08:38

I don't know. At 7 they normally just invite they invite their school friends.

I think I would reflect on which friendship is important, whether it os your friendship with the other mums, or the children's friendship. Because around the age of 7, children become more picky about who they want to play with.

If you want ro stay friends with these mums, you may want to.adjust the relationship to ladult dinners out etc. Whether you include friend 4 in this is up to you.

GoTeamRocket · 31/12/2022 08:38

Aghh so many typos.

EasterIsland · 31/12/2022 08:43

Just stop inviting her.

Eddielizzard · 31/12/2022 08:44

That would really piss me off. At your next get together say 'that was quite some party you held last month!' and see what she says.

But I don't like takers and I wouldn't want to invite her again.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/12/2022 08:48

I would be a little miffed but only minimally.
maybe she only invited people who child wanted to come?

Are her children invited to your children’s party because the children want them invited or because the adults are friends? By 7 I’d expect children to only be having children they have a relationship with at their party, not children of their parents friends.

NOTANUM · 31/12/2022 08:48

Isn’t this just the normal fading of baby class friendships though, leaving only the true friendships to survive?
It was a bit rubbish she wouldn’t host when the kids were young but that was the problem and should have been dealt with then. Now she has had a class party (assuming none of the baby class are at the same school?) and as it’s hard to mix school and outside school friends past 7/8, didn’t invite them.
What I would do next depends on how often you see the baby group. If it’s still frequent and she’s part of it, I’d politely say “your turn to host at yours” and stop giving her the chance to opt out. If it’s rare anyhow, then I’d just let it drift to nothing.

Krakenwakes · 31/12/2022 08:56

Are the children friends? Have they ever been friends? Or is it just the mums who are friends? A seven-year-old is probably just inviting friends from school -that’s normal. Inviting children whose mums are friendly (from outside school) isn’t really typical at this age. Yes, when they are younger, but not at seven.

CovertImage · 31/12/2022 08:56

We certainly attended parties for very young children but didn’t reciprocate as it seemed like a lot of hassle and money for something the children are unlikely to remember.

Am I missing something (I don't have kids) or is this as cheeky as fuck?

TroysMammy · 31/12/2022 08:59

At least none of the children were invited. It would have been shitty to invite one but not the other.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 31/12/2022 08:59

CovertImage · 31/12/2022 08:56

We certainly attended parties for very young children but didn’t reciprocate as it seemed like a lot of hassle and money for something the children are unlikely to remember.

Am I missing something (I don't have kids) or is this as cheeky as fuck?

Why is it cheeky?

diddl · 31/12/2022 09:02

So for 7yrs she's never hosted but always attended & only now you're pissed off?

IamnotSethRogan · 31/12/2022 09:05

Tbh they likely just did a class party, it can get a bit ridiculous if you keep adding people on and they're very possibly getting to the age where the NCT children aren't their friends but are their mums friends kids.

Ellie1015 · 31/12/2022 09:07

For pre achool parties my friends children and cousins children were invited they got on and we needed the numbers. By school it is very different it is difficult to fit everyone in.

SnowAndIceLobelia · 31/12/2022 09:10

My only question would be if she buys presents of roughly equal value to what your parties cost. i have a DS who is rarely invited to parties, but occasionally is. He would never contemplate a party of his own (ASD and other issues) and so i make a point of buying a present equal in value to the spend on him IFSWIM. I bowling would be a present of the value of the ticket plus what i estimate food and cake share would be. His last invite was to an activity day that was £40 per child so I provided a gift voucher of £50 to cover the cake (it was just cake).

That is how I handle the uneven aspect of not being able to reciprocate.

If she is just taking and nothing is reciprocated even in a vague form then I would simpyl not invite again.

Pottytrainhelp · 31/12/2022 09:10

So this sounds a lot like me and now I don’t know if my friends are secretly pissed off….
We get invited to our NCT kids and babies parties but I didn’t invite them because the only party I had for the baby was family only. And the only party my 6yr old has was classmates only, I didn’t even invite my niece. I didn’t want her to feel left out, kids can be brutal and it’s often awkward to mix groups who don’t normally mix.

Octopus45 · 31/12/2022 09:11

Sounds a bit crap of her tbh, she does sound like a taker. At least she didn't invite all four of your, rather than leaving one person out. Sounds as if its time not to invite her to future parties. Anyone who says they dont want to host cause they have a beautiful house sounds a bit stuck up to me.

girlmom21 · 31/12/2022 09:11

CovertImage · 31/12/2022 08:56

We certainly attended parties for very young children but didn’t reciprocate as it seemed like a lot of hassle and money for something the children are unlikely to remember.

Am I missing something (I don't have kids) or is this as cheeky as fuck?

How is it cheeky? Would you rather nobody turn up to childrens parties?

SnowAndIceLobelia · 31/12/2022 09:12

*to cover the activity and cake I mean.

GreyGoose1980 · 31/12/2022 09:12

IglesiasPiggl · 31/12/2022 06:49

I think this happens quite a lot with friendship groups formed around the birth of the children. People do move on gradually once the school years begin, particularly if they're at different schools. I would let her do so, as she clearly wants to. Unless your DC really likes hers as a particular friend, just tail off with the invites if things aren't reciprocated.

This

Neolara · 31/12/2022 09:12

It's probably a party for school friends. I think it can be difficult to mix groups of friends at school age parties. I avoided doing so.

Thatiswild · 31/12/2022 09:16

She’s probably asked her daughter who she wants to invite as she hasn’t mentioned your kids. It’s unfortunate but I’d just not bother inviting her again. Would your kids choose to invite hers? My similar group I am friends with some of the mums still but by 7 my kids would not have mentioned theirs when discussing parties as they don’t see them that often. I totally understand how you feel but I think just see it as a sign it’s fine to step back.

AlwaysGoingBackwards · 31/12/2022 09:19

I’d be a bit miffed and assume the friendship has just run it’s course.

However I would find it really tedious to have to include baby group ‘friends’ in things once the children are of an age when they can choose their own friends. I don’t like feeling obligated to invite people.

Anon778833 · 31/12/2022 09:22

YANBU. As an aside, I really dislike people who enjoy bribing their small children round to yours, make a huge mess and then bugger off. This happened to me with one particular 'friend' I can think of. And now her children are grown, I don't see or hear from her.

So many people are total users.

Anon778833 · 31/12/2022 09:22

Bringing*

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 31/12/2022 09:25

I think it's fine if the child just wants class mates at their birthday party but since the mum is obviously comfortable hosting the party in the first place she could clearly reciprocate the invites she's had with a playdate or similiar for her NCT friends. Claiming she doesn't like hosting when she clearly is fine with having a big party is rude.