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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this absolutely petty of me - children's party

175 replies

Oak268 · 31/12/2022 06:30

Regular contributor but name changed as this could be outing

I do think this is probably trivial of me but it's really irritated me and need views on if I'm just petty

4 friends since children were all born within weeks of each other. Not NCT but similar, met at local post natal class

3 of the 4 of us always generous - hosted Christmas parties or playdates across the years. And held birthday parties which all 4 children were all always invited to over last 7 years (bar covid year) , despite them being at different nurseries and now schools.

So friend 4 has always benefited from bowling, soft play you name it - but always said she didn't like to have to host (beautiful house!) And didn't believe in parties for her daughter until they were old enough to remember them as adults - but happy to come to all of ours, including in the last few months

Pictures all over Facebook today of her daughter's massive birthday party, disco, entertainment the lot - and not one of the four children invited.

Aibu? Recognise they all have friendship groups at 7 but would you not think you should pay it back a bit? I felt irrationally irritated

OP posts:

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 09:27

So they are turning 7.

Covid wiped out at least 2 birthday parties.

So how many parties have you actually organised?

WandaWonder · 31/12/2022 09:30

If my child was genuinely upset I may be upset if my child has no thoughts whatsoever it is one less kids party I would have to attend

Fraine · 31/12/2022 09:31

She’s a cunt. Dump her and her child.

ChilliHeelerFanClub · 31/12/2022 09:31

I’d probably message in the WhatsApp group or however you all communicate and say “wow, X’s party looked fantastic! Where did you find the entertainment? My kid would have absolutely loved that so I’d like to book for our next party!”

But I’m petty so 🤷🏼‍♀️ Maybe you wouldn’t want to do that.

ChilliHeelerFanClub · 31/12/2022 09:31

Oh, and unless it was going to upset the kids, I wouldn’t invite her to your next party either.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 31/12/2022 09:33

Do you still hang out? If you still meet for coffee or the kids still play together then absolutely that is not on and I’d walk away.

This is my first thought. When was the last time the kids saw each other, and the mums?

I have a five year old and haven’t seen any of my NCT lot since a first birthday party. They were perfectly lovely but time moves on. I wish the NCT didn’t rest on its laurels so much as the middle class baby friend-making machine - you may end up with a crap course and not much in the way of friends!

ThreeRingCircus · 31/12/2022 09:33

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 31/12/2022 09:25

I think it's fine if the child just wants class mates at their birthday party but since the mum is obviously comfortable hosting the party in the first place she could clearly reciprocate the invites she's had with a playdate or similiar for her NCT friends. Claiming she doesn't like hosting when she clearly is fine with having a big party is rude.

Yes I agree, if this was perhaps just a school class party with children her DC sees all the time then numbers have to be capped somehow and that seems fine. It's more that she said she doesn't like hosting and now has clearly hosted a big party. A few friends round for a playdate over the years wouldn't have been so difficult, surely.

DomPom47 · 31/12/2022 09:35

If it were a small do then I would have said YABU but as it was a large birthday celebration YANBU. I would not be inviting her to future events, some may say it’s petty but if she isn’t reciprocating your hospitality and efforts why should you.

rumbypumby · 31/12/2022 09:37

How do the other friends feel about it?

Presumably your friendship will become 3 rather than 4 now. It looks as though she was sending you a message.

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 09:38

Fraine · 31/12/2022 09:31

She’s a cunt. Dump her and her child.

Good heavens

PriamFarrl · 31/12/2022 09:43

I see there being two problems here.

you and the others always hosted. She always claimed she didn’t want to/couldn’t but here she is having a big party. You feel taken for a mug because she’s lied and left you lot to host all the time. I would be annoyed at that because there is a very big difference between hosting 4 children and parents who are good friends and a whole class. She took the piss there.
your child wasn’t invited to the party. I wouldn’t feel bad about that. Just because the mums are friends there is no reason the children should be. The child wanted a class party.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 31/12/2022 09:45

It’s pretty normal not to mix groups by this age; many children find it awkward. She’ll have asked her daughter who she wants to invite.

You don’t issue children’s party invitations for reciprocity, you invite the people the child wants to celebrate with. NCT type friends are about the parents, not the children.

Zonder · 31/12/2022 09:47

How often do the childre see each other? Are they friends? I'd carry on without them now. It's quite unusual I think to still be inviting baby friends by the age 7 unless there's an ongoing relationship.

Walkaround · 31/12/2022 09:47

She sounds like a bit of a selfish twerp, tbh. On her stated philosophy, she shouldn’t have bothered doing anything whatsoever with her child until they were 7, because they “wouldn’t remember it.” Really, she just didn’t think you were all worth the effort of reciprocation, because you and your activities were not meaningful enough for her. I doubt her child didn’t enjoy the bowling and soft play activities she brought them along to. You are clearly friends who were convenient at the time, but she is not interested in encouraging her child to remain friends with yours, or to make huge efforts to maintain her friendship with you. You have probably more or less served your purpose now.

Proudofitbabe · 31/12/2022 09:55

I agree that's a joke. She's finally thrown a big do of her own and your kids names should be right in that mix. If the friendships aren't that close why has she accepted invites for the last 7 years? Nah. I'd sack this one off now.

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 09:55

I have aways just invited whomever my child would like at their party irrespective of any tit for tat or adult politics.

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 09:59

Not that I’ve been aware of any in any event!

Brefugee · 31/12/2022 10:04

easy way to weed down the invitations to the next parties. And, frankly? the children don't have to be friends just because their mums (think they) are.

File and forget, surely?

Fudgeball123 · 31/12/2022 10:04

Phase her out..

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/12/2022 10:07

she's obviously got a different view of the place of your relationship than you do.

I think it's this. She didn't invest in pre-school parties because she saw that group as temporary. She is investing in school parties because she sees these social relationships as more lasting, and worth the trouble. Some people are strategic about staff like that, and I used to judge it harshly, but I will say (although it will never be me) that tends to be successful.

It wouldn't bother me that she attended parties, playdates etc because I have always looked on those as being for my DC's benefit rather than the other children's.

viques · 31/12/2022 10:08

Could have been worse, could have invited the other two and not yours! That would have been interesting.

I think as others have said, a child of seven knows who they want at their party, and it’s not their mums friends kids, it’s their own friends.

TheNoodlesIncident · 31/12/2022 10:10

I think what would grate for me is the total lack of reciprocation. If she doesn't/didn't host any playdates, invite the other mums to coffee/softplay or other activities but attended all the ones the other three mums, including OP, then that would hack me off. Suddenly hosting a huge party after refusing to do any other hosting is irritating because she's just using her baby group friends and dropping them and the dc for when she does decide to do something.

Actually having a party for her kid and not inviting the others isn't so much the issue, that stuff happens when the dc have been at school at while and naturally have stronger friendships with the kids they see every day. It's the using of the other mums to have a social life with the dc but not putting in any of the legwork herself. Annoying!

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:16

a) the friend didn’t “benefit”. Presumably your children got on and your child wanted her child there
b) she was upfront about not intending to have a party when very young
c) she was upfront about not intending to have play dates at her home

and you carried on inviting her

she didn’t mislead you

Bbq1 · 31/12/2022 10:19

I suppose its a bit harsh but understandable. I met a group of friends when my ds was born and the kids played together when small but they weren't lifelong friends in the true sense of the word. No contact now for years and we as mums just have a WhatsApp group. Friendships change. Not only that but when my ds was at Primary I saw a fair few relationships when children were invited to parties and play dates merely because their parents were friends. Fast forward a few years and those kids are like chalk and cheese and have no relationship whatsoever. You can't force friendships. Maybe your group of kids are growing apart at 7.

been and done it. · 31/12/2022 10:19

Maybe her daughter isn't keen on the other 3 anymore? They didn't mix at nursery or school so it was really the parents who did the inviting through the years. They're 7 now and none of them seem to have any relationship with each other from your post so probably its time to cut loose.

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