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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this absolutely petty of me - children's party

175 replies

Oak268 · 31/12/2022 06:30

Regular contributor but name changed as this could be outing

I do think this is probably trivial of me but it's really irritated me and need views on if I'm just petty

4 friends since children were all born within weeks of each other. Not NCT but similar, met at local post natal class

3 of the 4 of us always generous - hosted Christmas parties or playdates across the years. And held birthday parties which all 4 children were all always invited to over last 7 years (bar covid year) , despite them being at different nurseries and now schools.

So friend 4 has always benefited from bowling, soft play you name it - but always said she didn't like to have to host (beautiful house!) And didn't believe in parties for her daughter until they were old enough to remember them as adults - but happy to come to all of ours, including in the last few months

Pictures all over Facebook today of her daughter's massive birthday party, disco, entertainment the lot - and not one of the four children invited.

Aibu? Recognise they all have friendship groups at 7 but would you not think you should pay it back a bit? I felt irrationally irritated

OP posts:
Bogeyes · 31/12/2022 07:23

Maybe you are not posh enough to mix with her posh friends. Dump this pretend friend.

CantMakeHeadNorTail · 31/12/2022 07:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/12/2022 07:34

I’d just cut her out the group, if her child has and is invited to the others parties it’s right to either invite them to her child’s or acknowledge that it’s just a class party this yr.

Climbles · 31/12/2022 07:43

The not hosting play dates or the group would bother me more than the party. It’s normal to have just school friends to a party as it can get a bit awkward when just a few kids don’t know the main group. If there is a real reason she couldn’t host she could have taken everyone out somewhere.

HideyHoe · 31/12/2022 07:49

If you haven't been in touch much and the children aren't close anymore it's understandable not to be invited.
Even if she didn't host at home, if she paid for outings and used softplay centres as her 'hosting' then it's fine.
I would wonder if she considers your group not posh enough for her? Maybe snobbery an element?

KatherineJaneway · 31/12/2022 07:51

I'd be cutting her out of the friendship group. As a pp said, she is a user.

Wishawisha · 31/12/2022 07:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Yes, are you all individually still friends with her? - this is key to me.

Do you meet up you and your DC and her and her DC for a coffee? Or do you text each other individually rather than in the group chat?

If it’s just group meet ups every few months I can see why she wouldn’t see you all as proper friends anymore if no individual friendships have formed.

seperatedmum · 31/12/2022 07:53

@Oak268 yeah really rude of her, she did take advantage in previous years, she's now turned her back on her friends and is insensitive enough to post it on FB! I had a similar situation with my eldest's group; and I spoke directly to the mum about it and how rude and out of order I found it, she wasn't so happy to be confronted but 🤷🏽‍♀️ I'll always stand up for myself and my children and she was rubbing our noses in lovely party she didn't invite us too 😕 didn't even have the brains to hide it from us on FB so words were had, it did lead to her and the group being more transparent and considerate for a while speak to her then she'll know she's out
of order
YANBU

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2022 07:57

I don't think you're being petty because I'd be annoyed too!
She's been happy enough to take but not to give. I'd be looking at her in a different light from now on.

Redebs · 31/12/2022 07:58

If the children aren't at the same schools, then I guess you stop including them if you wish. Seems normal to me.
The past times when she hasn't wanted to host parties for younger children aren't relevant here. It's about the children having a good time with their friends, not the mums keeping tally over the years.
Move on. Be happy.

girlmom21 · 31/12/2022 08:01

I'd suggest that the child asked for a party and chose who to invite.

Your child hasn't missed out if you don't tell them about it.

Poppyblush · 31/12/2022 08:04

I wonder how many years she’s had these parties and not included you 3. Not nice.

HallieBo · 31/12/2022 08:04

If you have all wanted parties that's your choice, if she hasn't that's her choice. She might have just invited the whole class and no family or friends to keep the costs down. I've been to a few over the years where its literally just been the class and no one else.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 31/12/2022 08:06

At seven, are your kids really friends or do they only meet up because of the parents?

I ask because at that age, I was often made to hang out with my parents' friends children but we didn't have anything in common and I would never have invited them to a party 🤷🏻‍♀️

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 31/12/2022 08:06

YANBU. Fair enough if she genuinely didn't like to host but coming alomg to your parties and not inviting you to her huge party is rude. I'd feel like a second rate mate not good enough for the instagram party.

Lulu2171 · 31/12/2022 08:11

StridTheKiller · 31/12/2022 07:21

You'll get all the excuse makers here, but in the real world you are not being unreasonable.

Yes

I'd be livid.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 31/12/2022 08:14

I'd be annoyed too, she should have kept it off Facebook at least!

My child was invited to a party of my husband's close friend's daughter. Wife won't socialise (I've never actually met her as she doesn't accept invites/cancels) but we did meet up with the husband and child. We were told the date but no more details, when my husband asked he was told it was cancelled - then fb was covered in pictures of a large and very extravagant party! I was pissed off and the friendship between children and adults has faded.

MzHz · 31/12/2022 08:18

Do the other mums know? What’s their take on this?

I don’t blame you, I’d be really pissed off and would absolutely forget to invite her to anything ever again

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 31/12/2022 08:19

Well I wouldn't be inviting her child to anymore parties tbh. If her daughter doesn't see your children as friends to invite to her party, that's fine. I'd take that lead and stop inviting her.

Oblomov22 · 31/12/2022 08:21

It changes. They normally just want classmates at that age.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/12/2022 08:24

Yanbu op, doesn't sound like she's done it on a tiny budget, so she should have added the three kids. Yes DS gets a say in who he invites, but I understand the larger pic so I also override that and invite certain children. Never anyone he actively disliked so I guess the way she's reasonable is if there's an issue with your kids and hers, but she should have addressed it

FlamingJingleBells · 31/12/2022 08:24

Please don’t invite her to events now because if you do she will see it as permission to take the piss.

FlamingJingleBells · 31/12/2022 08:29

She needs to understand that her actions will have consequences. She benefited from the hospitality of others & so her decision not to reciprocate is especially mean spirited.

pilates · 31/12/2022 08:30

Perhaps the friendship has run its course?
Do all the children get along or is it just an excuse for the adults to catch up?

Figgygal · 31/12/2022 08:36

I think I depends on the kids relationship tbh
Are they friends at 7? Her child may have preferred schoolfriends at that age?
She is cheeky to not reciprocate ever but she's already shown herself in that regard