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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this absolutely petty of me - children's party

175 replies

Oak268 · 31/12/2022 06:30

Regular contributor but name changed as this could be outing

I do think this is probably trivial of me but it's really irritated me and need views on if I'm just petty

4 friends since children were all born within weeks of each other. Not NCT but similar, met at local post natal class

3 of the 4 of us always generous - hosted Christmas parties or playdates across the years. And held birthday parties which all 4 children were all always invited to over last 7 years (bar covid year) , despite them being at different nurseries and now schools.

So friend 4 has always benefited from bowling, soft play you name it - but always said she didn't like to have to host (beautiful house!) And didn't believe in parties for her daughter until they were old enough to remember them as adults - but happy to come to all of ours, including in the last few months

Pictures all over Facebook today of her daughter's massive birthday party, disco, entertainment the lot - and not one of the four children invited.

Aibu? Recognise they all have friendship groups at 7 but would you not think you should pay it back a bit? I felt irrationally irritated

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 31/12/2022 10:19

All the best op, any context for why the lack of @Oak268

Alwayswonderedwhy · 31/12/2022 10:24

She's not into your friendship group as much as the rest of you. Sounds like she tags along when other people arrange stuff which is a bit cheeky.
Just stop inviting her if it bothers you she won't reciprocate. She clearly doesn't see you as close friends.

ZenNudist · 31/12/2022 10:26

I think you are expecting too much. You don't invite people for the return invites. It's fine to have an all class party. If I were you I'd celebrate all together as a celebration of everyone's birthday. My friends did that recently with their baby group... the kids are 14! Sang happy birthday, got a cake, went bowling then parents had a party for them to socialise. The birthdays spread out across the year but they are all 14 in the same year.

HowzAboutIt · 31/12/2022 10:27

What have the other 2 said about it @Oak268 ?

I would be really annoyed miffed

gamerchick · 31/12/2022 10:33

What does the rest of the group think?

It sounds as if she wanted to keep you seperate from the rest of her life and it does look like you're more her friends than the kids are friends.

If you're all peeved then the obvious answer is let her go off into her new chapter and you get on with your own lives.

MyrrAgain · 31/12/2022 10:33

Yes it's petty. Get over it. By 7 they just invite the class. Your kid would be the odd one out. The boundary is the school class and the kids who actually spend time together each day. Yeesh

LooLooLemon · 31/12/2022 10:34

It’s natural for baby class friendships to fade.

One particular friend from my NCT group has always been a rare host. All of her DCs’ birthday parties have been for family only. When she does invite us over she has invariably nearly run out of milk and she never has biscuits/cake/lunch for anyone etc 😂 It isn’t a money thing, she is just not a natural host. I’d rather have them over to my house than go to hers!!

I like her company, but our DCs aren’t naturally friends. They play, but don’t have much in common.

Remember the saying that friendship is for life, a season or a reason.

My NCT friendships have mostly fallen into season category and I expect that the one I mentioned above will drift apart entirely over the next year or so.

SkylightSkylight · 31/12/2022 10:43

CovertImage · 31/12/2022 08:56

We certainly attended parties for very young children but didn’t reciprocate as it seemed like a lot of hassle and money for something the children are unlikely to remember.

Am I missing something (I don't have kids) or is this as cheeky as fuck?

@CovertImage

some will see it as cheeky, I don't. I organise parties on the basis if what the birthday child wants/would enjoy. I accept invitations for children that I think they'll enjoy. I do invite children whose parties we've been to BUT whether they've invited us to theirs doesn't come into it for me. Though I know it does for many.

BusyMum47 · 31/12/2022 10:45

Cut her loose without a 2nd thought! She's one of life's takers/users.

SkylightSkylight · 31/12/2022 10:47

camelfinger · 31/12/2022 06:50

I think she kind of has a point about parties for when they were young. They are probably more for the adults than the children, they are too young to remember. We certainly attended parties for very young children but didn’t reciprocate as it seemed like a lot of hassle and money for something the children are unlikely to remember. And now they’re 7 they probably have lots of friends in their class to invite rather than from baby groups. From our NCT group it’s only the mums that get together (occasionally dads), the kids probably wouldn’t recognise each other!

@camelfinger I find that an odd outlook on it. Didn't you do anything nice with your children until they were old enough to remember it as adults?

toocold54 · 31/12/2022 10:48

I’d be pissed off about this.

I think it’s fine to not host or have parties until they are older but I think it’s rude to not invite the 3 friends who’ve always involved your child in theirs.

I would wait to see if there was an explanation but I’d take this as she’s not as close of a friend as you thought.

Are you sure the other 2 weren’t invited?

Salome61 · 31/12/2022 10:49

Sorry to read this. My friend did the school run with two other friend's kids, there and back, for five years. When it was one of the girl's 18th birthday the Mum said she 'wasn't doing anything' so my friend popped round that night with a gift - party in full swing, and my friend's daughter hadn't been invited.

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 11:01

Salome61 · 31/12/2022 10:49

Sorry to read this. My friend did the school run with two other friend's kids, there and back, for five years. When it was one of the girl's 18th birthday the Mum said she 'wasn't doing anything' so my friend popped round that night with a gift - party in full swing, and my friend's daughter hadn't been invited.

18

18!!!!

Whoever the hell she wanted to invite, she was entitled to. And it wasn’t someone she did the school run with 🙄

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 11:01

The lift exchange was for the adults convenience. I can’t believe anyone would think otherwise.

HolyStoned · 31/12/2022 11:04

If the children aren’t actually friends, I think you should just see the parents socially and not expect an artificial exchange of party etc invitations for the children, now they’re old enough to have their own ideas about who they want as friends, and at parties.

Bluetree89 · 31/12/2022 11:05

YANBU, I would feel the same. I wouldn’t bother saying anything to her though. When it’s your child’s birthday I would leave it up to your child to decide if they would like to invite that child or not.

Walkaround · 31/12/2022 11:05

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 11:01

The lift exchange was for the adults convenience. I can’t believe anyone would think otherwise.

Not for the convenience of the adult who walked all the children to school for five years it wasn’t.

HolyStoned · 31/12/2022 11:06

Salome61 · 31/12/2022 10:49

Sorry to read this. My friend did the school run with two other friend's kids, there and back, for five years. When it was one of the girl's 18th birthday the Mum said she 'wasn't doing anything' so my friend popped round that night with a gift - party in full swing, and my friend's daughter hadn't been invited.

You think a young adult should feel obliged to invite another young adult to her birthday party purely because they shared lifts as school kids???

Walkaround · 31/12/2022 11:06

I think the problem was the lying…

Bleachmycloths · 31/12/2022 11:12

I would be angry. If she has splashed photos all over FB I would feel free to text her saying “ saw the photos of daughter’s party on FB. Any reason why x, y and z were not invited? Especially as your DD has never been left out of their parties?”

waterrat · 31/12/2022 11:15

Ive always loved hosting, some people don't - I get it.

At 7 there is no way I would be inviting NCT mates - they wouldn't know the others and it is awkward for all. I've got older kids and seen this situation lots -

Life is short- you give to enjoy giving not to get back. There are plenty of people I've hosted who I've rarely been hosted by - that's just different personalities.

Walkaround · 31/12/2022 11:16

It’s actually quite funny how some people rationalise this sort of behaviour by arguing they accept invites without reciprocating because they assume their children have such magnetic personalities that by accepting invitations to a toddler’s birthday party they are making the toddler happy - but that they shouldn’t reciprocate because their child won’t care or remember whether they had a party 🤣. They probably also think the party giver should be grateful they made the effort to turn up. It’s such a beautifully narcissistic view of the world.

MajorCarolDanvers · 31/12/2022 11:17

Are your children actually friends or do they play together cause their mummies are hanging out?

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 11:29

Walkaround · 31/12/2022 11:05

Not for the convenience of the adult who walked all the children to school for five years it wasn’t.

Show quote history

18!!

why on earth should an 18 year old be forced to invite someone she doesn’t want to

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 11:34

On the ground that their parents arranged a lift share years ago.