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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect some sort of financial contribution

168 replies

carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 19:24

DS 22 is living at home since finishing uni this year. He is working 40+ hours a week and doesn't have any expenses or financial commitments apart from some money for travel etc. I help him with quite a large portion of his travel to make the journey to work easier, often late at night due to a lack of buses close to where we live.

I have said that he needs to contribute towards his board and lodgings, and this has been met with complete disbelief. Apparently, this does not happen in other families - which I think is a nice try on his part. So I am wondering what does happen in other families in a similar situation. I left home and fended for myself after uni so can't make any comparisons with my own experience at this age.

OP posts:

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 13/10/2022 19:26

Is he saving towards be able to get a place of his own? If so, I wouldn't charge rent but would ask for a contribution towards bills and food. If he's planning to live with you indefinitely, I'd ask for rent!

buggeredmyleg · 13/10/2022 19:26

My answer to that would be.

Hahahaha nice try son

HirplesWithHaggis · 13/10/2022 19:27

Of course he should be contributing! Ask him to find somewhere else to live where he won't have to pay rent, bills, or food. And then take a third of his takehome pay.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/10/2022 19:28

If he doesn’t like your suggestion he should price up a house share.

TheFlis12345 · 13/10/2022 19:29

My parents would never have taken a penny from me and as far as I’m aware it is the same for all my friends. Our parents were all lucky to be comfortable financially though so I think that it would vary a lot for people in a different position.

Quitelikeit · 13/10/2022 19:31

I think this depends upon what he earns and if he is saving for a deposit elsewhere?

he should be paying towards food, gas & electric, and council tax plus your fuel.

you shouldn’t need to subsidise his lifestyle at all!

he’s being very entitled

Goldunicorn · 13/10/2022 19:32

Perfectly reasonable to charge something for board & lodgings - whatever amount perhaps adapted depending on whether he is actually saving.

If you're in a position to do so yourself, you could always save the money yourself and use it for something specific when he does move into his first place.

JMPB · 13/10/2022 19:32

I paid board as soon as I started working. It wasn’t a lot but it helped.
if he’s saving for a house etc and you can afford not to take any off him them I wouldn’t but if he is just saving for travel or to go out etc then I’d ask for a contribution towards food/bills etc.
suppose it also depends on your financial status and how stable you are as well x

titchy · 13/10/2022 19:33

We gave eldest six months or rent free so she could save, then charged cheap rent (around a third of the market rent she's now paying in a house share). Would that compromise work? I'd be tempted to stop funding his travel though if he's not contributing.

Original poster

carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 19:34

I think he is missing the student lifestyle and would probably prefer to live in a house share but as far as I know he isn't saving towards this. If he had a definite and transparent financial plan in place I might be prepared to go easy on him and just ask for something towards bills. However, at the moment it feels like I am facilitating an easy life for him and allowing him to fund his social life.

OP posts:

HostessTrolley · 13/10/2022 19:34

Our son works from home, he graduated during covid and only needs to go into the office a couple of times a month. Having been a student and gained an awareness of what things cost, he suggested he pay £600/month room and board. We save a proportion of that for him (he doesn't know), but he feels that as a working adult he should pay his way...

PauliesWalnuts · 13/10/2022 19:34

Me and my friends all paid keep. I think I paid 20% of my take home salary a month. I also had to do my own washing and ironing, and do my share of cooking meals and household chores, as did my brother. I did earlies, from 7am to 4pm so was at home a couple of hours before my parents and usually cooked.

buggeredmyleg · 13/10/2022 19:36

This is a bit like all my friends are allowed to do xyZ thing when they're at school.

20% seems more than fair to me. My parents took 30%.

MadMadMadamMim · 13/10/2022 19:36

I don't know anybody who allows their adult children (who are working) to live for free, without paying board and lodge.

It's not a good idea, in my opinion, to allow people to feel that they don't have to contribute to their own costs or that they are somehow special. It gives them a sense of entitlement. Why wouldn't he pay towards the gas and electric he is using and the food he is eating? He is a working adult.

JennyMule · 13/10/2022 19:37

Our DD (WFH in first post uni role) pays a "contribution" by standing order each month to cover the cost of the food she eats and the additional utilities associated with an additional adult living in the home. We don't refer to it as "rent" as the sum involved only covers our costs -we don't profit from the arrangement. This leaves her plenty of income to live and save for a deposit on a house.

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 13/10/2022 19:38

All of ours pay 10% of their take home once earning

It's a principle that living somewhere isn't free and once they have an income it's not unreasonable to expect a small contribution to the costs of running a house

pocketvenuss · 13/10/2022 19:40

TheFlis12345 · 13/10/2022 19:29

Nothing to do with whether parents can afford it or not, it is about teaching young people about costs and responsibilities. We didn't have to charge ours anything but we did and they learned about budgeting and not to take things for granted

caramac04 · 13/10/2022 19:42

I paid a third of my take home pay plus contributed to gas/electric/phone bills when they arrived.
This continued even when I was engaged and saving for a deposit on a house and a wedding to pay for.
My DS pays about £60 pw, variable depending on what expenses I’ve incurred.
He is completely independent transport wise and usually does his own washing.
I cook but if we have a takeaway (not often as I think they’re too pricey), he will pay for his share.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 13/10/2022 19:42

Are you cooking for him and doing his washing? Please stop if you are! I would suggest £600 a month or something near it. More if he is earning a lot!

Survey99 · 13/10/2022 19:43

25-30% seems to be the norm here and a good deal for the dc with everything included , it is around the same I happily gave my parents when I started working.

hadtochangetothisone · 13/10/2022 19:44

It ENTIRELY depends on your own situation !! No one is right or wrong.

I am a single parent paying £1k in rent for two bedrooms I don't occupy... but the kids want to be able to stay when they need to...

I earn £2300... so not poor and not rich. (No savings)

When they live with me dam right I want a contribution.

Most of my friends own outright with no mortgage. Two incomes and circa £70-100k .. in that position I would charge about £200 a month but put it into a saving account for a deposit for them.

It really depends what YOUR situation is !!

ErinAoife · 13/10/2022 19:44

If I can afford it, I will apply what my parents did to me. My parent did not want that me and my siblings contributed financially when living at home as they did preferred that we save for our future.

toulet · 13/10/2022 19:46

I don't know anybody who allows their adult children (who are working) to live for free, without paying board and lodge.

I know loads of people who did which enabled them to save up big deposits.

Ponderingwindow · 13/10/2022 19:46

Yes he should pay, around 30% or income is typical for housing.
he should also be saving to move out.

if you have the means, I would be quietly saving his contribution to be a bonus to provide when he does move into his own place. Alternatively you could dispense with the charade of rent and just agree with him what portion of his income is going to be saved while he lives at home

cantthinkofabetterusername · 13/10/2022 19:47

My daughter is 18 and works 30 hours a week, she pays board.
He's having a laugh surely?

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