To expect some sort of financial contribution

op when I was younger my mother told all four of her children. I either take 3/4 of your benefits or 1/2 your wages. If you want to keep more of your money then move out.

We all moved out, I actually left just before my 18th. She meant it as a valuable lesson on paying your own way in life, nothing should be expected now we were grown ups. Her view was that parenting successfully is raising/teaching your children so they can fly the nest successfully. And i think she was right. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind (as being kind could be crueller)

I paid 10% of my wage in board and would probably do 20% for ours but put 10% away unknown to them to help with a house deposit. I personally think it teaches the value of money whilst giving you the luxury to ssvd to buy your own.

This is what I would do with my school.

They can stay rent free whilst in ft education. After that they pay bids depending on what they earn and I would keep 80% of this to one side to give them when they moved into there own place which would put them on a great start

He should deinitely contribute.

I know adults in their 30s who still freeload off their parents despite working and it isn't good for them. They're up to their eyes in debt, can't budget, think the world owes them a living and expect everybody else to do things for them. Basically, they aren't nice people.

It certainly happens in this house.
I told them to look up on spareroom what was the going rate for a large room with en suite in this area. They said £600.
Then I asked them to consider what they got with me that they wouldn't get with a flat share. Things like - medical help when they were unwell, their parcels taken in, free parking, cheese they could nick, access to all sorts of kitchen gadgets, company when wanted, the benefit of my financial advice, all bills and household admin done.
Then I said I'd charge them £300 as long as they saved the difference.
It's working very well.

I wouldn't charge rent but I'd expect him to be paying for all his personal stuff - phone, personal items (clothing, hygiene products etc). Also to do his own laundry and cleaning.

I wouldn't charge rent but I wouldn't be paying for his phone or driving lessons at 22, or doing any of his washing and cleaning. And he would be cleaning too! I'd expect thanks for the lifts and if he wants snacks etc can buy them.

Well he may have finished uni but he obviously still has a lot to learn.
You need to stop financing his life when he is earning.
If he wants to be a grownup he needs to start behaving like one...pays rent, and a share offood and other bills.
You are not helping him by prolonging his childhood.
If he doesnt like it, suggest he finds a better deal someplace else.
A quarter of his takehome pay.
And he pays for his own driving lessons.
At 22, this man/child needs to grow up.

YABU.

With you paying his travel expenses, why wouldn't he be surprised at being asked for a contribution? You've already signalled you 're underwriting his life style.

Stop paying his travel for starters.

Yes, to me that just feels normal. For DH too. We each felt that our family had done “their bit” in delivering us to university as semi-functional adults, and that they expected from then on that we’d be standing in our own feet.

I’m aware that this might sound judgemental, and understand that things were different twenty years ago, but it would have seemed to be a real retrograde step to go “home” rather than to move onwards.

I did this after uni, I offered to pay, but DF was adamant that I save up and buy somewhere to live. In the end after much arguing, I would give him £25 a week and he'd put it in a pot. When I moved out he tried to give it back to me! My parents didn't have the financial capability to buy me a car, driving lessons or help with a deposit so he said this was the least they could do so long as I was sensible and saved. I put a deposit on my first flat at 25 which on the outskirts of London in 2010 , on my own, was an achievement. DF left school at 14 without any qualifications, the fact he and my mum were able to buy a house was huge for him. He always said to DB and me, get an education and pay your own mortgage not someone else's.
If you need the money fair enough, of he's not being sensible and saving again intervention is needed, you don't want him living at home forever. If you can afford it and he's saving hard, I wouldn't be charging DS.

I did pay for my own phone, car, insurance, petrol, clothes, toiletries and did the lion's share of the family cooking

You all those saying that they wouldn't dream of taking a penny from their own children, maybe consider the fact that letting them see their entire income as disposable for several years, is a really bad idea.

We spend their entire childhood teaching our how to be independent and manage their lives, so letting them get used to spending their entire income on themselves goes against all that work. It makes no sense to me.

When they get their first job they need to be aware of their responsibilities and budgeting. What you do with their 'rent' at a later point is up to you, but teaching them to meet their responsibilities, both financial and domestic, is as much part of being a parent as teaching them to dress themselves and clean their teeth was when they were small.

TO all those... even.

Are you buying his toiletries/doing chores for him? Because that needs to stop. Do you cook for him? I’d be telling him he cooks 3 times a week minimum or he can buy his own ingredients-‘Here’s your shelf, don’t take my stuff’. He needs to sit and look at the bills and understand that you cannot simply pay for him to go out smoking/vaping/buying drugs. Tell him to look at how much house shares are! He’ll have a shock. Not all of us can afford to support someone and why should you when he’s working f/t?

Paying rent is a good life skill. Less of a shock when they have to enter the real world and pay their own bills.
Even if you don’t need the cash, take it and put it aside for when they need it, house deposit ect

Ask him why he thinks you should be paying his share of the bills, despite the fact that he works full time? Sit him down and work out how much his own place would cost him, that’s another option for him if he does t like it.

I'd also be thinking along these lines. I think you sound like a kind and supportive parent who wants to help, but also wants him to help himself.

It's not really a case of wanting him to help himself, even. It's about wondering how one's own young adult son can think it okay to sponge of his mum and cost her extra money in council tax, fuel and food (not to mention her driving time) to the point that when she simply asks for enough to cover fuel, he thinks it entirely unreasonable. He's an adult in a full time job and he's continuing to act like a child.


...and I haven't even mentioned the domestic tasks she does for him. He's just extraordinarily selfish, and OP is justified in being so sad that he cares so little about her.

It's massively damaging letting someone get used to having their full wage as disposable income and abdicate all responsibility for their life. If you don't get used to setting aside costs as board or savings how can you ever move beyond being subsidised by someone else? Ultimately it will only end when he moves in with someone else who does everything for him and pays for everything or when you die and he suddenly has to fend for himself. It doesn't matter if you charge board or insist on savings, he has to get used to life costing money and he had to get used to basic necessary chores.

We all paid board when i lived at home and I will take ot off mine to enough to cover food , bills etc ( well a little towards it) we never charged ds last year as on a gap year for uni and saving to help get through uni so that was fair and he really did save
But when hes back and working full time he will pay some rent
Practically everyone I know takes something only i mumsnet where some frown upon it

One son came home after uni on the understanding that whilst he looked for a permanent job/career he had to earn enough to pay for his keep. He worked as a barista and paid us £200 a month which probably covered food and increased utilities but this was kept low on the understanding that he would save at least a third of his take home pay towards a deposit. He was allowed to borrow my car if I wasn't using it but miles were logged and he paid a contribution to cover his fuel usage. With a bit of help he was able to buy a house at 25.
His brother has now returned home after living in house shares and a very expensive rental property. Prices have gone up but we are charging him the same, with the proviso that he pays for and cooks at least one meal a week. I do his washing but he is responsible for his ironing. We hope that being home will allow him to save towards a deposit as well. He certainly doesn't want to stay here any longer than he has to!
In your case there are significant costs to having your son living at home - increased council tax and utilities and, of course, food. He needs to pay these costs as well as a contribution for fuel. I know someone whose son and girlfriend pay half of all bills and are responsible for the food shop and cooking dinner on alternate weeks. I wouldn't let him get away with his current lack of respect for your home and time.