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To expect some sort of financial contribution

168 replies

carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 19:24

DS 22 is living at home since finishing uni this year. He is working 40+ hours a week and doesn't have any expenses or financial commitments apart from some money for travel etc. I help him with quite a large portion of his travel to make the journey to work easier, often late at night due to a lack of buses close to where we live.

I have said that he needs to contribute towards his board and lodgings, and this has been met with complete disbelief. Apparently, this does not happen in other families - which I think is a nice try on his part. So I am wondering what does happen in other families in a similar situation. I left home and fended for myself after uni so can't make any comparisons with my own experience at this age.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


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Hankunamatata · 13/10/2022 20:28

Reminds me of the 20 something who thought they didnt have to pay board when they went on holiday or stayed with mates.


ScarlettSunset · 13/10/2022 20:28

He should pay something. Though if you can afford it and he wants to save up for a deposit for his own house then you could let him do that instead. But that's only if you can afford it. He's an adult who is earning and so shouldn't expect you to keep him anymore .


WoopsIdiditagain1 · 13/10/2022 20:28

He is taking home £360 a week or £1560 a month. I would expect to pay around £400 pcm for house keeping minimum. I was paying £280 around 25 years ago. If he doesn't want to pay he can move out, pay a landlord more and pay for his food and other expenses. I would probably save some of it for him but I wouldn't tell him or he'll he constantly taping you for money. Better in your pocket than being puffed away.


shufflestep · 13/10/2022 20:29

DS1 is at the same stage and he is paying a quarter of the food, energy, water and council tax. (There are four of us in the house). In exchange he's welcome to help himself to wine/beer etc where previously he would have been expected to ask, and I ask him to jot down anything in the food line he wants me to get in for the week. Washing is shared, he and DS2 both cook at least once each week (normally work it out on a Monday to fit with everyone's schedule). He's been great about it, and it's easier to treat him as an adult because he behaves like one!


HelenMirrensWeightedBlanket · 13/10/2022 20:29

When I graduated from uni, my mum told me I had two weeks to start paying rent, whether I had a job or not (?!)


Wishyfishy · 13/10/2022 20:31

EveningOverRooftops · 13/10/2022 20:24

My teen DC is already aware that this will be the case.

I expect them to contribute because as soon as DC is of age I lose child benefit and child maintenance that props up my income and I lose my 25% council tax discount so my bills go UP but my income goes down for them to stay here so it is only fair that they chip in.

im sure there’s lots of mums in situations like mine where they have to charge rent and make DCs pay more.

I’ve yet to decide how much DC would have to contribute because I don’t know what job they’ll be doing. If they’re in an apprenticeship then the situation would be different from a regular job.

plus DC needs to be aware of just how many bills have to be paid.

I recently went through With DC (to put a rocket up their arse in terms of passing exams) just how much it costs to run my house from rent to council tax to energy bills and things like TV licences.

DC was shocked at how much they’d need to earn per week just to break even and it had the desired effect and are now working harder.

Getting them involved in bills is a good idea. When I moved out on my own I found the idea of bills really daunting. Money wasn’t the issue, but I didn’t feel ready to handle them on my own. I think if my parents had shown me how you manage things like council tax, energy bills, TV/ broadband it would have been really helpful.
Things like energy bills I’d be tempted to get my DC to help me manage - submit metre readings etc, figure out how much a cheap month costs and an expensive one.

I’m really not against having adult DC live with me for a period but as adults, I’d hope I’d treat them as such.


Pixiedust1234 · 13/10/2022 20:32

carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 20:23

I feel like an absolute mug at times when I am driving him around and literally losing sleep because of his late finishes at work. I had actually suggested a £40 weekly contribution, which is clearly a lot less than a lot of people would suggest. This was met with absolute horror, so I said that in that case he would have to pay for his own driving lessons which I had been paying for. I have stuck to my guns on this but he is trying his best to get me to change my mind.

FORTY QUID!!!!! You are even mugging yourself off here! Either he pays the going rate for lodgings (and you will continue to feed him and do laundry) OR he moves out into the real world where he pays more and does more.

What you do with the rent is your business. Our first dd we helped with a rental deposit/several moving costs with some of it, the second is putting it straight into a government backed help to buy savings. You could save it to pay his first years car insurance etc, or even a cleaner.


carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 20:35

Emma he is not allowed to do those things in the home but I am aware that he does when he's out. He is absolutely taking the piss when he pays for his bad habits but will try to avoid paying for specific toiletries for example.

OP posts:

ICanHideButICantRun · 13/10/2022 20:39

I don't think you should have to save his contributions (when they arrive) for him when he leaves home. Your costs will have gone up massively - petrol, heating, food etc. Why shouldn't he contribute? I know it's like getting blood out of a stone but you're doing yourself no favours by going easy on this.


ICanHideButICantRun · 13/10/2022 20:40

I bet if he was in a flat and a friend came to stay, he'd expect to share the cost of any food. Ask him about that, OP.


PinkArt · 13/10/2022 20:45

Please stop enabling him! It isn't doing either of you any good. An adult should be getting themselves to and from work, they should be funding their own driving lessons, buying their own toiletries, doing their share of chores.... The board is one thing but it's part of a much bigger picture.
He already sounds pretty unpleasant from the way you describe him - he'd be a nightmare housemate/ partner/ colleague - but that behaviour will just get worse if you don't nip it on the bud now.


carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 20:46

I'm so grateful for all the comments. I will be showing this thread to him to prove that I am not alone in my thinking.

To put my life in context with regards to finances... After uni which my parents kindly funded, I got a job and rented until I bought my first house at 26. I know with today's prices it is harder but it is still to be aimed for in my opinion. I have always told my DCs what a great feeling it was to support myself. I have another DC, who is living away from home at the moment and whose attitude is much more in synch with mine. I have always been quite careful with money and tried not to overindulge my DCs, it has worked with one but this DC is definitly a work in progress.

OP posts:

Nodancingshoes · 13/10/2022 20:46

Of course he should contribute. How much depends on your financial situation but he is an adult and should start to live in the real world.


carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 20:49

ICanHideButICantRun Yes it is like getting blood out of a stone. He tries to make me feel so unreasonable and I just wish that we could reach some common ground. If he wants to move out it's fine by me, but he will be in for a big shock!!

OP posts:

pinkpotatoez · 13/10/2022 20:51

Depends whether he is saving a large amount to move out. Working full time with no bills & not saving is ridiculous


JRHartly · 13/10/2022 20:52

He is learning to drive and feels like once he has passed and has a car all my problems will be over!!

Why does he think this? I'd be repeating to him that even when he has a car, they will still be rent/mortgage/bills/council tax/food to pay.


Travelledtheworld · 13/10/2022 20:55

Is he a gamer too ? If so he will be running up your electricity bill!
You could always ask him for a contribution and give him some of this back to use as a deposit when he finally does move out.
And make him buy ingredients and cook a meal for the family once a week too.


Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/10/2022 20:56

Do you need the financial contribution? If so that's totally fair enough.

If not then I wouldn't charge him and would be encouraging him to save up whilst he can.


carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 21:08

Talkwhilstyouwalk At this stage I could do with a contribution that covered his share of the bills, council tax (for which I no longer get the single person discount) and petrol. If he paid more, I would probably save it for him as I want to help my DCs get on the property ladder. I fully expect him to move out at some point, but if it was going to be a long term permanent arrangement, I would expect all shared costs to be fairly split.

OP posts:

TwitTw00 · 13/10/2022 21:10

HirplesWithHaggis · 13/10/2022 19:27

Of course he should be contributing! Ask him to find somewhere else to live where he won't have to pay rent, bills, or food. And then take a third of his takehome pay.

He's 22 not 16; a third of his take-home pay could potentially be many times the market rate for the room he's in, if he's earning well. You can't just demand a third of his salary arbitrarily.


PinkSyCo · 13/10/2022 21:10

Of course adult children should contribute. Imagine the shock that awaits the one’s who get everything for free at home, once they eventually fly the nest…… if they ever do.


carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 21:15

I'm not looking at taking a third of his things stand a tenth would be a bonus 😂

OP posts:

LoveJK · 13/10/2022 21:17

I suppose it’s a sign of the times, and so understandable given how things now are, but it still feels strange to me that children will return home after university.

In my case that would have meant returning to a sleepy provincial town where my career options would have been very limited, but even if you live in the middle of London, do the youngsters not want to find a flat-share and start making their own way in life?

I couch-surfed for a fair while after my degree, mainly with friends from my course who’d graduated one or two years ahead of me, and although there were clearly big downsides, I really look back on it as having been a special time, a sort of half-way house between the student days and a proper adult lifestyle.


MissMaple82 · 13/10/2022 21:26

My 19 year old pays my council tax


JRHartly · 13/10/2022 21:27

TwitTw00 · 13/10/2022 21:10

He's 22 not 16; a third of his take-home pay could potentially be many times the market rate for the room he's in, if he's earning well. You can't just demand a third of his salary arbitrarily.

He's on £10.50 an hour. At 40 hours a week he earns £1550 pw, so a third is around £500 pm.

I wouldn't charge him that much yet (I'd charge £300pm for a couple of years), but £500 is not 'many times the market rate for the room he's in'.

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