To expect some sort of financial contribution

[carkerpatridge]

DS 22 is living at home since finishing uni this year. He is working 40+ hours a week and doesn't have any expenses or financial commitments apart from some money for travel etc. I help him with quite a large portion of his travel to make the journey to work easier, often late at night due to a lack of buses close to where we live.

I have said that he needs to contribute towards his board and lodgings, and this has been met with complete disbelief. Apparently, this does not happen in other families - which I think is a nice try on his part. So I am wondering what does happen in other families in a similar situation. I left home and fended for myself after uni so can't make any comparisons with my own experience at this age.

[Lessofallthisunpleasantness]

Bed and board for sure..... £50 to £100 a week. If I could afford to I would get it off him then save half to help him towards buying a home in the future.

[Maray1967]

My DS22 finishes uni this year. He knows that if he returns home to live he will be paying a contribution as board and lodging.
Yours is taking the proverbial. You need to stop messing about debating with him, work out what he needs to pay as a fair share of food and bills, and demand it from next month or he’s out.

[JaceLancs]

DS pays £350 a month plus buys some food
It still allows him to save for a healthy deposit, as I’m the only other adult - help towards costs is needed

[carkerpatridge]

Magn · It's massively damaging letting someone get used to having their full wage as disposable income
Yes exactly. I think a lot of this is a lack of maturity on his part when it comes to real life. I was actually really impressed by how organised and proactive he was about finding work, so in some respects he is mature and independent. However, when it comes to how he wants to allocate his money he is being immature at best, completely selfish and arrogant at worst.

[Naunet]

He’s 22, an adult, of course he should!!

[Dotjones]

Do you need his money? That's the only question. If you genuinely can't afford to support him you are entitled to ask for a contribution, but it should be fully costed and transparent so that he knows he is not paying too much.

I despise people who don't need their child to contribute but do so out of some idea that they just "should" do. You, the parent, decided to have kids, you, the parent, should support them. That obligation doesn't magically end, at least not until you die.

[phishy]

@Dotjones

Do you need his money? That's the only question. If you genuinely can't afford to support him you are entitled to ask for a contribution, but it should be fully costed and transparent so that he knows he is not paying too much.

I despise people who don't need their child to contribute but do so out of some idea that they just "should" do. You, the parent, decided to have kids, you, the parent, should support them. That obligation doesn't magically end, at least not until you die.

Haha, this is hilarious. So people sign up to support their adult offspring until they die? Right [haha]

[saraclara]

@Dotjones

Do you need his money? That's the only question. If you genuinely can't afford to support him you are entitled to ask for a contribution, but it should be fully costed and transparent so that he knows he is not paying too much.

I despise people who don't need their child to contribute but do so out of some idea that they just "should" do. You, the parent, decided to have kids, you, the parent, should support them. That obligation doesn't magically end, at least not until you die.

My obligation was to support my children in becoming responsible independent adults who are able to handle their finances wisely and sensibly. So teaching them how to budget and pay for their living costs from their first proper pay, was part of that.

As I said earlier, I was fortunate not to need the money they have me for their keep, so they got it back when they left. But by then they had already learned how far money goes and how much they could see as disposable.

When my DD came back for a few months after a break up, I didn't ask for anything because a) it was a sad reason to be back and b) she already knew how to budget and save. But she recognised herself that my council tax would go up, and paid the extra, as well as doing some food shopping and household chores.

[Wazzzzzuuuuuuup]

My ds 19 has just started working ft. He pays 1/5 of his salary for board and lodge.

I am secretly saving half of this amount to give back to him for rent or house deposit in the future. He uses our car, and we pay car insurance (££ as he is a new driver), food, bills and all family subscriptions he uses like Spotify and xbox.

He still has £1200 pm disposable income after paying board, which is a damn sight more than I have

I am also encouraging him to save for his future

It is entirely reasonable that your adult children understand and contribute to living expenses

[Liorae]

@phishy

Haha, this is hilarious. So people sign up to support their adult offspring until they die? Right [haha]

No, the lazy, selfish, immature offspring try to sign their parents up for it. The parents are not obligated to sign up for it.

[SnarkyBag]

If he won’t pay board then tell him he’s solely responsible for all his own personal expenses and travel including paying for his driving lessons. I’m quite shocked you are paying for those.
My 17 year is doing an apprenticeship and earns £1000 a month. I don’t take board but he pays for his mobile phone, clothes, gym membership, bus fare and all his own driving lessons. He’s saving hard as well and tries to save at least 50% of his wages. I wouldn’t take board at this point as if he’d remained in full time education and gone on to uni it would have cost us a lot more in financial support so him funding the above is actually a good contribution to our finance each month.

[BarbaraofSeville]

You all those saying that they wouldn't dream of taking a penny from their own children, maybe consider the fact that letting them see their entire income as disposable for several years, is a really bad idea

This. He should at the very least be covering the costs of him being there, ie 25% council tax, a bit extra for electricity due to more showers, devices etc, his food, which is likely more than yours, phone, subscriptions, cost of your petrol for him to go to work etc.

Plus he should be saving a decent amount for the future. Unless he gets a really well paid job, he probably has more money at his disposal right now then when he's running his own home, so he should be responsible with at least some of it.

Even if the above takes up half of his earnings, he'll still have a lot of money to enjoy each month. Also make sure he's doing some of the housework, cooking, gardening, laundry, DIY ete. He won't have his mum doing everything for him forever.

[carkerpatridge]

Dotjones Are you my DS? 😂
I have been a very supportive and present parent in both my DCs' lives and have helped them both out in many ways...but there is a limit. I would never take a financial contribution from them to profit from it, more as much needed help with bills etc for which I have sole responsibility. Surely being a parent is about bringing up a well-adjusted, independent, considerate individual. I don't think I would be a kind or effective parent if my DCs relied on me in this way endlessly.

[OldTinHat]

Absolutely he should be contributing!

[TellingBone]

Really it's not about your own situation as some are suggesting.

I saw it as part of my job as a parent to teach mine how to live independently and to be able to support themselves. It's a relatively painless first step in the process for them to be living at home and paying 'board'. And at some point they do need to leave the nest and fly.

We fail our children if we don't teach them life skills.

[whojamaflip]

My dc have been expected to hand over 20% of their wages as soon as they hit 16. Dd (16) pays around £10 a week from her evening bar job (she gets to keep all her tips) and DS (19) pays a flat £400 a month of which I am saving half for him (he doesn't know this)

The 2 younger ones will also be expected to pay housekeep when they get to 16.

We do however pay all college expenses for dd including travel and her phone but anything else she wants is up to her.

DS pays for the running costs for his car - mot, repairs etc while we pay his tax and insurance. We also pay for his phone. He is very good at saving and is squirrelling away as much as he can towards a house deposit.

I left home at 18 having had my parents pay for absolutely everything so had got used to having my wages as fun money - going to Uni was a huge shock and I pretty much ran through my grant and student loan in the first term (skiing trip anyone????) I simply had no idea about the cost of living and then spent the next 20 years or so getting out of the huge debt I got myself into.

I'm determined my dc will know about money and the need to prioritise bills etc over fun and hopefully they won't end up in the debt I did.

Me taking housekeep off them is one way of doing this.

[carkerpatridge]

SnarkyBag It sounds like you have a really good balance of expectations and respect between you and your DS. The driving lessons were agreed as a birthday present. However, at the point where DS was refusing to pay any contribution, I said that I would withdraw driving lesson money in lieu of living expenses. I don't like taking back my word, but I have paid out a substantial amount for his lessons and he is really ready to take his test as soon as a DVLA slot comes up.

[Whistlesandbell]

My DC are a similar age to the OP’s, they both earn 25k per year (plus one also runs a small business) they, don’t have cars or many other bills and I charge them £170 per month.
One saves a lot and has over 20k saved and the other has just started saving and has a few thousand.
I don’t get involved in their money apart from
the odd comment every few months saying this is a golden opportunity to build up some savings.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@carkerpatridge

I think he is missing the student lifestyle and would probably prefer to live in a house share but as far as I know he isn't saving towards this. If he had a definite and transparent financial plan in place I might be prepared to go easy on him and just ask for something towards bills. However, at the moment it feels like I am facilitating an easy life for him and allowing him to fund his social life.

Absolutely not in that case. As a parent we should be helping our children to become independent and able to finance their own lives, it's one thing to not charge him rent/a contribution if he's try to save a deposit for a house or whatever but I don't see why you should pay all his bills/extra fuel/food etc so he can go on nice holidays and nights out?

[SnarkyBag]

@carkerpatridge

SnarkyBag It sounds like you have a really good balance of expectations and respect between you and your DS. The driving lessons were agreed as a birthday present. However, at the point where DS was refusing to pay any contribution, I said that I would withdraw driving lesson money in lieu of living expenses. I don't like taking back my word, but I have paid out a substantial amount for his lessons and he is really ready to take his test as soon as a DVLA slot comes up.

Actually you reminded me we did pay for the first 15 as a birthday present and I have allocated money towards a car when he passes which had been decided before he went down the apprenticeship route. I’ll still buy the car as I wouldn’t want to take back my word either. That said I’ve told him the budget and if he wants something more expensive he can make up the difference.

[GasPanic]

Sorry, but if your son was decent, he'd see that making a contribution was the right thing to do, rather than continue to sponge off his mother.

Sometimes people don't realise how good they have it and they need to be taught a life lesson.

My guess is that only the reality shock of kicking him out will sort this.

[mogsrus]

22yrs old & lives entirely free, most people would kill for that

[LindaEllen]

@TheFlis12345

My parents would never have taken a penny from me and as far as I’m aware it is the same for all my friends. Our parents were all lucky to be comfortable financially though so I think that it would vary a lot for people in a different position.

Same when I was that age and saving for my own place. But things were very different then, and the cost of living was very different then.

I know for an absolute fact that when DSS finishes uni, we absolutely 100% cannot afford to cover the amount he eats, plus his 15 minute showers twice a day, constantly running computer and various other devices.. we just can't. We're just about coping at the moment just the two of us. Gone from 2 to 1 cars and now thinking that one might have to go, too.

[roarfeckingroarr]

My parents never expected a penny when I lived at home for periods of my 20s and neither did any of my friends' parents.

But many do - so your call.

[Whistlesandbell]

My parents would never have taken a penny from me and as far as I’m aware it is the same for all my friends. Our parents were all lucky to be comfortable financially though so I think that it would vary a lot for people in a different position
My DH and I absolutely do not need the £170 we charge our DC per month but I don’t think it would be a good life lesson that they take home £1600 per month and don’t contribute anything towards the household.