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To expect some sort of financial contribution

168 replies

carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 19:24

DS 22 is living at home since finishing uni this year. He is working 40+ hours a week and doesn't have any expenses or financial commitments apart from some money for travel etc. I help him with quite a large portion of his travel to make the journey to work easier, often late at night due to a lack of buses close to where we live.

I have said that he needs to contribute towards his board and lodgings, and this has been met with complete disbelief. Apparently, this does not happen in other families - which I think is a nice try on his part. So I am wondering what does happen in other families in a similar situation. I left home and fended for myself after uni so can't make any comparisons with my own experience at this age.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

HTH1 · 13/10/2022 20:02

I would charge him ‘rent’ and actually put it in a savings account for him (which he would only find out about when moving out).


Yousee · 13/10/2022 20:04

I'd want to know where his pride as a man is to be honest, if he's quite happy mooching along sponging off Mummy and is offended by the idea that he should pay his way.
My parents were mortgage free and very comfortable by the time I was 18 and working, I informed them I'd be contributing before they asked. They have done plenty for me, least I could do was pay for my own food!


BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/10/2022 20:05

So if its just the two of you living there, I'd try and roughly capture the additional cost of him being there.

So off the top of my head:-
Rent/mortgage = 0 (as you'd pay the same regardless)
Gas/elec = 50%
Water = 0 (if like me you pay a fixed amount)
Insurance = 0
Any subscriptions he has that you don't want = 100%
Fuel = 50% (if you do all lifts)
Food = 50% (or more if he eats more/has specific requirements)
Council tax = 25% (you'd get this discount if he wasn't there)

Please tell me he pays for his own mobile phone, clothes and toiletries (aside from basic house ones)!!


woodhill · 13/10/2022 20:05

Ha but

Ds pays a small amount to live here. He earns more than I do


AutumnLeaves5 · 13/10/2022 20:05

I’d give him two options - a lower rate which pretty much covers the increase in your bills/shopping for him living there and a higher rate which includes extras if you do his cooking, washing, cleaning etc.

I was saving to buy post Uni but still paid to live with my parents - just significantly reduced compared to market rate and much nicer than a house share!


woodhill · 13/10/2022 20:05


Stupid autocorrect


Bzzz · 13/10/2022 20:06

My parents made me pay a small amount per month but they paid it straight into a savings acvount for me (which i knew about). The only condition was that savings account was for buying a house and nothing else.
As far as i know, all my friends had a similar arrangement


saraclara · 13/10/2022 20:07

I wanted my kids to get into good habits regarding their responsibilities, saving etc. So yes, they paid 'rent' but later I gave it back in the form of help with house deposits etc, having kept it all in a separate account.

One of my daughters came home for six months when a relationship broke up. I didn't charge her rent that time, but as I no longer qualified for single occupant council tax, she paid the extra, and she did a lot of the food shopping.

As you're single, he should absolutely be paying the difference in council tax, and your fuel costs for driving him about, at the barest of minimums.
I'd be even more determined to have him pay after hearing his reaction to you bringing up the subject.


Maireas · 13/10/2022 20:07

I would never, ever consider my children to be "mooching off" me by living at home. My home will always be their home, they will always be welcome. It's not a hostel.


TheFlis12345 · 13/10/2022 20:10

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 19:53

I think that that’s a recipe for having children who don’t really understand the concept of money and who end up struggling later. Living as an adult in a “proper” adult job and not having any living expenses just seems so strange.

Well I guess that depends on how well your parents educate you about money. There are living expenses beyond rent. I didn’t pay board but on a first job salary I was paying for my phone, often for some food as work hours meant I regularly ate separately from my parents, paying all expenses on a car and paying off student loans. It wasn’t just going on shoes and cocktails!!


Liorae · 13/10/2022 20:10

Everyone I know was expected to contribute to the family finances while working and living with parents, just as we were expected to contribute to the running of the family home with housework, laundry, etc.


JRHartly · 13/10/2022 20:11

He is chancing it. I paid my £250 per month when I got my full time job.


WhatsAVideo · 13/10/2022 20:13

He's taking the piss, and you’re letting him.

You drive him around, presumably he didn’t think about how he’d get to and from work living back home, because he knew you’d sort it out.

He makes a lot of mess and doesn’t clean it up.

He doesn’t financially contribute.

It matters not a fucking jot what his mates are or aren’t paying, it entirely depends on your own circumstances.


carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 20:14

To answer some questions:

He is learning to drive and feels like once he has passed and has a car all my problems will be over!! Obviously that will be something else he has to budget for, so that will be interesting.

He is earning around £10.50 an hour, it's not his dream job but is fine for the moment. He works around 40 hours give or take, so should have a few hundred quid in the bank every week.

I think he is spending quite a bit on his social life and meeting up with uni friends. He smokes, vapes, smokes weed some days so I guess that takes up a fair whack of his money - all of which I hate by the way but apparently I am "deeping it". I realise writing this he seems like a very unpleasant person. He isn't but he really needs to grow up and get his priorities sorted out.

I don't think he is a saving a deposit for a house although I would support him in this. If he paid me rent I would certainly set most of it aside towards a deposit.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 13/10/2022 20:15

My son graduated from uni last spring and moved back home. He recently started full time employment and we haven't considered asking him for money. I think that it's partly because we're happy not to be paying for uni anymore, he helps quite a lot around the house with cooking, shopping, gardening, etc. and we're happy to have him home. We also don't need the money, so it feels like it would seem a bit grabby to ask for it. He doesn't spend much on himself and puts most of his pay into a retirement or investment account, so we're not subsidizing nights out at the pub.

I don't think that there's a single right or wrong approach here.


woodhill · 13/10/2022 20:15

Bzzz · 13/10/2022 20:06

My parents made me pay a small amount per month but they paid it straight into a savings acvount for me (which i knew about). The only condition was that savings account was for buying a house and nothing else.
As far as i know, all my friends had a similar arrangement

Yes, I save his money for that as did my dps for me

However not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to do this


Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 13/10/2022 20:17

I think it is about teaching your children about responsibilities and when you are a working adult you contribute to the costs of running the home that you are living in.

We paid 1/3 of our wages as soon as we started working and it stayed that way until we moved out.

Then when you move out you already understand about prioritising your commitments before socialising/holidays etc.


BumbleBee92 · 13/10/2022 20:17

It is more common than not in my experience for those living back with their parents to make a contribution. I’ve known it be done different ways, eg total all bills and divide by number of people in house, or charge a proper rent. Some just a token amount out of principle. If you’re feeling generous and can afford it, you could save any money he gives you and let him have it back when he moves out and needs it more.


Rinatinabina · 13/10/2022 20:19

DD isn’t anywhere near there yet but I wouldn’t take money from her. I would expect her to do her own washing etc, take part in cleaning and cooking etc. I’d also expect her to be saving to get her own place. I think it’s different if it’s not affordable though.


Wishyfishy · 13/10/2022 20:19

If you don’t need the money I’d take it and save it on his behalf.

I would struggle honestly with the idea of a working, adult child living with me and them not saving for their future. It would seem such a waste when it will literally be the easiest years for them to save that they will have.
I’m not against my DC returning to us after university but I imagine that if they do so, it will be because it will enable them to buy their own house eventually.


toulet · 13/10/2022 20:23

People are talking about taking responsibility but I know lots of people who still get help eg help to move up the ladder, renovations, school fees etc are these people not responsible then?


carkerpatridge · 13/10/2022 20:23

I feel like an absolute mug at times when I am driving him around and literally losing sleep because of his late finishes at work. I had actually suggested a £40 weekly contribution, which is clearly a lot less than a lot of people would suggest. This was met with absolute horror, so I said that in that case he would have to pay for his own driving lessons which I had been paying for. I have stuck to my guns on this but he is trying his best to get me to change my mind.

OP posts:

EmmaDilemma5 · 13/10/2022 20:23

He smokes weed, vapes and cigarettes?!

Over my dead body would he do that in my home. And I certainly would be charging him. If he needs more money he can quite the habits.

Sounds like he could do with some tough choices. He's an adult, not a boy. He needs to grow up


EveningOverRooftops · 13/10/2022 20:24

My teen DC is already aware that this will be the case.

I expect them to contribute because as soon as DC is of age I lose child benefit and child maintenance that props up my income and I lose my 25% council tax discount so my bills go UP but my income goes down for them to stay here so it is only fair that they chip in.

im sure there’s lots of mums in situations like mine where they have to charge rent and make DCs pay more.

I’ve yet to decide how much DC would have to contribute because I don’t know what job they’ll be doing. If they’re in an apprenticeship then the situation would be different from a regular job.

plus DC needs to be aware of just how many bills have to be paid.

I recently went through With DC (to put a rocket up their arse in terms of passing exams) just how much it costs to run my house from rent to council tax to energy bills and things like TV licences.

DC was shocked at how much they’d need to earn per week just to break even and it had the desired effect and are now working harder.


EveningOverRooftops · 13/10/2022 20:25

OP your son though, is taking the piss.

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