To expect some sort of financial contribution

[carkerpatridge]

DS 22 is living at home since finishing uni this year. He is working 40+ hours a week and doesn't have any expenses or financial commitments apart from some money for travel etc. I help him with quite a large portion of his travel to make the journey to work easier, often late at night due to a lack of buses close to where we live.

I have said that he needs to contribute towards his board and lodgings, and this has been met with complete disbelief. Apparently, this does not happen in other families - which I think is a nice try on his part. So I am wondering what does happen in other families in a similar situation. I left home and fended for myself after uni so can't make any comparisons with my own experience at this age.

[NobleAgentPizzaExpress]

DD has just started her first teaching job. She gives us £400pm which includes all her food, washing, most meals cooked, all bills (apart from her phone). It leaves her with plenty of money to save or spend as she wishes. She thinks it's way too low and often picks up shopping or buys me treats to 'make up for it', as she sees it! She's also insisting that she pays more over this winter as fuel bills will be so high.

I don't understand parents who charge their adult DC nothing at all to live at home. You're doing them a disservice and not preparing them for adult life. Even when DD was at uni she contributed.

[BMW6]

I'd give him an ultimatum. He either pays for his driving lessons from now plus £100pw lodging, or he moves out.

His choice. Time he grew up and stopped being a parasite

[Starseeking]

£100 a week would be a decent contribution. Don't forget, if he wasn't there, you'd benefit from 25% council tax reduction. Think about how much that is worth. Also he must be eating a lot of food, and with winter coming and increased heating bills, £100 a week would be reasonable.

£400 per month is enough to make a difference to your household budget, and enough that he would feel it in his pocket, as he should, given he'll be paying a lot more than £400 a month whenever he does eventually move out!

[Apollonia1]

I've just remembered. I moved home for a year in my 30s (had been living abroad and came back to do a full-time masters). I've no recollection if I paid any contribution. But I certainly did housework, cooking and helped my parents out.

[Apollonia1]

My concern would be that his lifestyle would "expand" to use his total income.
Then in the future when he moves out and has to pay rent/mortgage/bills, that he'd be totally unprepared.

Could you get a contribution for him (and then save it up and give it back to him as a deposit when he does move out (if money is not tight))

[InsanityOf2020]

33% of my take home salary a month. That covered everything, but i often bought my own food on top.

[HowVeryBizarre]

In your situation OP I think a contribution is appropriate and the fact that he feels like he shouldn’t have to would really annoy me. My two left at home are both at Uni with part time jobs. Tbh I wouldn’t take money from them when they start work as we don’t need it but I would expect them to save, as they do now. If they weren’t saving then yes, I would take money off them as I would think they were taking the piss.

[Kennykenkencat]

@Shinyhappyperson22

I was paying ‘board’ on my £60 a week apprentice wages in the 90s. Then my full wage I was paying £150 a month. Probably a a good quarter of my wage . May be harsh but it did teach me that you have to pay for your way in life. I was using energy, food etc and we were a breadline kind of family. I never had any financial help at all once I started earning. No help with house deposits or anything because no one had any spare money. I managed even on lower than average wages.

If he moves out and pays rent he will pay a lot more! If parents don’t need the cash they could charge a lower rent and save it for the said child when they move out!

When I moved out it was cheaper than paying my mother.

I then went on IS and got housing benefit and that taught me more about money than any 9-5 job and paying keep.

I learned where all the free stuff or heavily discounted stuff was
4million unemployed and cinemas and leisure centres among other things gave us free entry when you flashed your UB40 card. Free coffee as well on some places.

Also going daily to swim and then wash hair etc meant the emersion heater was never turned on so saving money on baths.
Not having to get up for work in the morning meant you could go out and dumpster dive behind the local supermarket at 2 or 3am for all the fruit, veg, bread, cakes etc that they threw out each day. I was the only one thin enough to squeeze through the bars of the fencing to get to the stuff

[Mangolist]

Added to which, we helped him a lot (thanks to an inheritance, could never have done it otherwise) when he was at University. Now he's earning (more than me!) he would feel awful not helping us out.

[Mangolist]

Our DS has also returned home after university. He's earning a pretty good salary for a graduate and there was no question of him not contributing. We agreed on £300 a month plus his mobile and insurance on my car. It's really not a kind or helpful thing to treat them as kids at 22 plus. Ridiculous.

[Kennykenkencat]

I don’t take anything from adult dc.
None of us works a regular 9-5 job. Dd today asked me to help her out with money because she hasn’t been paid for work going back to June. It will come in but it will trickle in eventually.

Although last year I borrowed a lot from Dc because I hadn’t received money I was getting

My dm charged me £25 per week
I earned £80 per month.

I had to either get other work to pay her but couldn’t find much as I wasn’t 18
So I moved out and got a flat with a friend which was £60 per month + bills.
My mother wasn’t happy as she was down £25 per week.

[CovertImage]

I would charge him ‘rent’ and actually put it in a savings account for him (which he would only find out about when moving out)

How would that benefit the OP in any way since she needs a contribution to the household expenses? Besides being quite infantilising

[Shinyhappyperson22]

I was paying ‘board’ on my £60 a week apprentice wages in the 90s. Then my full wage I was paying £150 a month. Probably a a good quarter of my wage . May be harsh but it did teach me that you have to pay for your way in life. I was using energy, food etc and we were a breadline kind of family. I never had any financial help at all once I started earning. No help with house deposits or anything because no one had any spare money. I managed even on lower than average wages.

If he moves out and pays rent he will pay a lot more! If parents don’t need the cash they could charge a lower rent and save it for the said child when they move out!

[Comefromaway]

Of course he should pay board and lodging. It's not fair for him to have all his wages as disposable income yet you have to pay increased food electricity etc costs.

[Hilarymantelspencilsharpener]

Of course an adult in full time work should pay board, especially with the way bills are going. He's going to get a shock when he has to start paying his way in the outside world.

DH's parents gave him 12 months after starting work before he started contributing, but he was working from 15, so contributing from 16.
I paid a third of my take home pay, and thought it was an excellent deal.

[Threeboysandadog]

ds1 (27) and ds2 (25) are both still living here and saving to buy homes of their own. They pay £300 a month each which covers food, internet (as they need a better package than I do) council tax and utilities. Ds3 (16) is at school but has a very good, pays well, part time job. He has offered to pay towards things but I wouldn’t take anything from him. It does mean that I don’t have to give him money for anything. He has more savings than I do. I do all cooking, housework, laundry etc. but ds2 & ds3 will mow the lawn, walk the dog, pop to the shops and vacuum the stairs which are things I find difficult. We all get on well together so it works for us.

[GasPanic]

@LindaEllen

Same when I was that age and saving for my own place. But things were very different then, and the cost of living was very different then.

I know for an absolute fact that when DSS finishes uni, we absolutely 100% cannot afford to cover the amount he eats, plus his 15 minute showers twice a day, constantly running computer and various other devices.. we just can't. We're just about coping at the moment just the two of us. Gone from 2 to 1 cars and now thinking that one might have to go, too.

May well be best not to let him move back then unless he agrees to make a contribution in advance.

Also whatever you decide, the sooner you let him know what is going to happen, the more time he has to plan and mentally prepare for it.

[mogsrus]

Paid my way from the moment I started earning as our DD did as well

[Whistlesandbell]

My parents would never have taken a penny from me and as far as I’m aware it is the same for all my friends. Our parents were all lucky to be comfortable financially though so I think that it would vary a lot for people in a different position
My DH and I absolutely do not need the £170 we charge our DC per month but I don’t think it would be a good life lesson that they take home £1600 per month and don’t contribute anything towards the household.

[roarfeckingroarr]

My parents never expected a penny when I lived at home for periods of my 20s and neither did any of my friends' parents.

But many do - so your call.

[LindaEllen]

@TheFlis12345

My parents would never have taken a penny from me and as far as I’m aware it is the same for all my friends. Our parents were all lucky to be comfortable financially though so I think that it would vary a lot for people in a different position.

Same when I was that age and saving for my own place. But things were very different then, and the cost of living was very different then.

I know for an absolute fact that when DSS finishes uni, we absolutely 100% cannot afford to cover the amount he eats, plus his 15 minute showers twice a day, constantly running computer and various other devices.. we just can't. We're just about coping at the moment just the two of us. Gone from 2 to 1 cars and now thinking that one might have to go, too.

[mogsrus]

22yrs old & lives entirely free, most people would kill for that

[GasPanic]

Sorry, but if your son was decent, he'd see that making a contribution was the right thing to do, rather than continue to sponge off his mother.

Sometimes people don't realise how good they have it and they need to be taught a life lesson.

My guess is that only the reality shock of kicking him out will sort this.

[SnarkyBag]

@carkerpatridge

SnarkyBag It sounds like you have a really good balance of expectations and respect between you and your DS. The driving lessons were agreed as a birthday present. However, at the point where DS was refusing to pay any contribution, I said that I would withdraw driving lesson money in lieu of living expenses. I don't like taking back my word, but I have paid out a substantial amount for his lessons and he is really ready to take his test as soon as a DVLA slot comes up.

Actually you reminded me we did pay for the first 15 as a birthday present and I have allocated money towards a car when he passes which had been decided before he went down the apprenticeship route. I’ll still buy the car as I wouldn’t want to take back my word either. That said I’ve told him the budget and if he wants something more expensive he can make up the difference.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@carkerpatridge

I think he is missing the student lifestyle and would probably prefer to live in a house share but as far as I know he isn't saving towards this. If he had a definite and transparent financial plan in place I might be prepared to go easy on him and just ask for something towards bills. However, at the moment it feels like I am facilitating an easy life for him and allowing him to fund his social life.

Absolutely not in that case. As a parent we should be helping our children to become independent and able to finance their own lives, it's one thing to not charge him rent/a contribution if he's try to save a deposit for a house or whatever but I don't see why you should pay all his bills/extra fuel/food etc so he can go on nice holidays and nights out?