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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your child as beneficiary of his pension instead of you?

187 replies

insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 22:19

stay at home mum for nearly a decade now while having children, earning potential has decreased, no pension contributions in this time while DH is putting money into a private pension on top of what is required. Not a lot, but obviously it builds over a lifetime.
He has put our children down to receive the money if he dies.
I have stayed at home and been mother and wife, my qualifications are now obsolete its been that long since I've been in the game, and it looks like DH thinks I should be left with nothing if he dies.
I have never felt so worthless. we aren't married either.

Yabu - children should be beneficiary
Yanbu - partner should be beneficiary

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 22:22

Depends. What other assets are there and how are they set up?

MichelleScarn · 12/02/2022 22:23

Why would you be left with nothing? How old are kids? Have you not been claiming cb and ni? Do you not ever plan to work again.
I really don't understand people who become sahm and have this belief because they've had children working is an out of this world thing!

VikingOnTheFridge · 12/02/2022 22:24

Yikes.

MumGoneMild · 12/02/2022 22:25

I’d want everything to go to the kids, my partner of 20 years is capable of looking after himself and I think his will is the same to tbh

pitterpatterrain · 12/02/2022 22:27

Well, I’m sorry, I am not sure there is a great deal anyone can say as not being married and being a SAHP is an incredibly risky financial situation to be in

Is your DP open at all to discussing this? Have they been contributing to a private pension for you? (Sounds like not)

Could you find a PT / FT role in a place with good benefits (local councils seem to be often mentioned by other posters)

Is your name on any shared assets like a house?

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 12/02/2022 22:33

YANBU.

Some practical things you can do:

  1. Check your state pension entitlement
  2. If there are gaps, consider paying to fill some
  3. If you do not receive or qualify for child benefit consider applying just for the NI contributions to count towards pension
  4. You can invest £3600 in a pension each year in U.K. even if not earning, part of that will be a top up from the government so you don’t need to contribute the same amount. Worth considering
  5. look at MSE chat or meaningful money podcasts or similar and get up to speed with what you can be doing to plan your retirement
stairgates · 12/02/2022 22:37

Similar position here but we were talking about the house as it is in his name, he said in a genuine way 'No thats alright, I'm sure the kids will keep you on!'

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 12/02/2022 22:39

You call him DH several times and then slot in at the end that you aren't married.

Bunty55 · 12/02/2022 22:40

OP Has he said why he has done this?

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 22:43

@pitterpatterrain he has changed it now I have asked him to but my feeling is that I am hurt I wasn't even considered. Or told. I think these decisions are family decisions.
what if I still have the mortgage to pay or need a cleaner due to health or need to buy a motorised wheelchair or scooter thing in the future?
We aren't rich, we were barely scraping by at the time he did this.
but now are in a better position as he has had a promotion and is paid better now, but that's because I'm at home with the kids and looking after the home.

I finished my qualifications to get a dream, liw paying job (which was a compromise anyway as I couldnt be full dream job with children. Think nurse instead of dr or dental nurse instead of dentist) and started it but had to quit because DHs pays more and os obviously better for the family to have more money. He is working 60+ hours a week plus commute plus staying away whenever he is needed. So it's not really possible, I couldn't even manage 1 day a week because DHs schedule is so unpredictable. Its just the way things are for us and I don't mind on the whole.
ut now I feel like I'm just the mother. I dont deserve financial protection if the worst happens. I don't feel like a partner.

No he hasn't been contributing to a pension for me. We have just bought our first house now months) but when he put this dowm we were renting with no assets and minimal savings which were going to go towards the house we just got.

I know it sounds grabby but surely it goes Spouse, then children. not children.

OP posts:
NotVictorianHonestly · 12/02/2022 22:44

Have you got any financial security or are you entirely dependent on his good will?

babyjellyfish · 12/02/2022 22:46

OP, have you ever discussed getting married?

How did the pension thing come up in conversation?

Does your partner realise how financially vulnerable you are?

If I were you I would be looking to get back to work and the cost of childcare will have to come out of the family pot.

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 22:48

@MichelleScarn

Why would you be left with nothing? How old are kids? Have you not been claiming cb and ni? Do you not ever plan to work again. I really don't understand people who become sahm and have this belief because they've had children working is an out of this world thing!
Sorry what is cb and ni? I claim for child benefit (if that is cb?) it is almost 200 a month but you can't live on that. I don't know how it works but if he died yesterday and I found out the children would get his Contributions when they are 18, and I would struggle to pay for a funeral. seems shitty (if you even get anything this early, almost 30)
OP posts:
Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 22:51

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

You call him DH several times and then slot in at the end that you aren't married.
Sorry yes, dh means significant other, husband, life partner on here. as a shortened term?
OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 12/02/2022 22:52

Could you not do breakfast and after school clubs?
Surely dhs salary could pay for that to enable you to work?

MichelleScarn · 12/02/2022 22:55

When you claim child benefit cb this goes towards your national insurance ni stamp in order to claim state pension.
How old are you/kids? Did you work before you had them?

2022success · 12/02/2022 22:56

I know it sounds grabby but surely it goes Spouse, then children. not children.

But you aren't his spouse! To be brutally honest, you are "just the mother" of his children, and legally he doesn't owe you a bean Sad

Did you really not understand how precarious your situation is?

jimmyreckon · 12/02/2022 22:58

DH means husband, not partner - is the house in both your names?

NotVictorianHonestly · 12/02/2022 22:58

You get that if you guys broke up tomorrow you'd have no right to future support or pension from him right? Are you even on the deeds of the house?

Viviennemary · 12/02/2022 22:58

Why can't you get a job and start contributing to household expenses and money towards a pension.

Justkeeppedaling · 12/02/2022 23:00

Get a job and get married.

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 23:00

@stairgates

Similar position here but we were talking about the house as it is in his name, he said in a genuine way 'No thats alright, I'm sure the kids will keep you on!'
This is it for me. He works, he isn't dead. Hasn't thought about it and just thought 'oh yes the children will get it.' where I have made significant sacrifice for the good of our family, he has benefited and I have been disadvantaged. I never really thought about it before as we were renting a tiny flat, saving for a house to get out of the vicious cycle of paying more to a landlord that can kick you out. cost you more etc only now we have gotten to our goal and now have life Insurance and hpuse insurance and stuff.

it might seem obvious to some but if you don't know you don't know. and being a sahm is the only option, unless there is a way to put children back in? childcare for one would be 400 a month more than our rent and probably about the same more than I could earn, so it really just isn't doable. I I have 2 not at school yet so double that!
It is the way it has always been done the man works and the women work when the childbearing and rearing is over. We have babies all together because why would you wait 4 or 5 years for them to be at school if you will have to leave work again? We have them close together as it makes more sense in the long term (short term you are running on coffee and that is all!)

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 12/02/2022 23:01

In fact why are you thinking about your partner dying? He's not yet 30, no health Issue?

Chatwin · 12/02/2022 23:03

The fact you are not married has a significant impact in your circumstances. So it is important in terms of this thread to make that distinction. Being financially reliant on someone you are not married to puts you in a very shoogily peg, as you are now discovering.

If he pays above the minimum into his own pension, could he not divert that amount into a pension for yourself? Do you have life insurance, as a couple, should the worse happen? Are you joint owners/tenants of your home? Do you claim Child Benefit to ensure you are on track to receive a state pension through National Insurance contributions?

Time to get properly on top of your short and long term finances and protect yourself. People think getting married is a waste of time but the legal protection marriage provides, particularly to financially dependent parents (mothers) is critical.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 12/02/2022 23:04

It is the way it has always been done the man works and the women work when the childbearing and rearing is over.

Marriage gives some significant financial protection for women following this traditional split of roles.

Do you have a pension in addition to state provision?

It is possible to earn during school/nursery hours, more so as kids grow.