How would you feel if your child as beneficiary of his pension instead of you?

[insuretothecore]

stay at home mum for nearly a decade now while having children, earning potential has decreased, no pension contributions in this time while DH is putting money into a private pension on top of what is required. Not a lot, but obviously it builds over a lifetime.
He has put our children down to receive the money if he dies.
I have stayed at home and been mother and wife, my qualifications are now obsolete its been that long since I've been in the game, and it looks like DH thinks I should be left with nothing if he dies.
I have never felt so worthless. we aren't married either.

Yabu - children should be beneficiary
Yanbu - partner should be beneficiary

You are right to be upset OP.
If he is dead set against marriage, what about a civil partnership? That would be some legal protection for you if he died.
What worries me is if he left you - you would end up homeless with the little ones, with no work or money either.
Definitely he needs life insurance so you are protected if he dies.
I live in an area where there are loads of young couples with kids who aren';t married and they call themselves "common law" wife as if that is some kind of status in law - it isn't - in the eyes of the law your relationship does not exist. A lot of women don't know this until something bad happens. Good luck

My pensions are left to our children

But my DH isn't a SAHP but he does earn significantly less than me

I don't get posts like these honestly- presumably it was a joint decision for you to stay off work. You could have said no I want to go back to work and build a career and use childcare - but you didn't - you have benefited by not working and being at home with your children but are now not happy about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Childcare costs more than my DH income but we made the choice for him to continue working

OP you've been naive, but as you're still young you have time to get yourself in a better position

Someone posted this upthread, it's a good list of thing ms you should be doing to help yourself.

Ensuring money is being paid into a private pension in your name.
Better still getting a job and/or qualifications.
Getting life insurance on him.
Making sure you own half the house legally.
Getting married.

Make an action plan and execute it. If I were you I'd prioritise getting back to the jobs market. You're making yourself vulnerable relying on him like this.

Do you want more for yourself OP? Not just material things, but more interaction with others, more fulfilment?

My DH left me - and our four kids - two years ago and in many ways life just went on. Yes, the emotional side took a toll, but I'm certainly not in the shit. If you would be, then I would take steps now to get more independence.

Also, everyone has to factor in travel time and costs when working. That is not unique to you. It's not easy at times working with young kids, but in most cases it can be done.

OP posters aren't being rude to you they are telling you to wake up and that you can make choices in your life.

Even if you marry him there are no guarantees that you will stay married for the rest of your life, he won't get so ill so he can't work, or one of you will not die early.

So you need to sit down with him and tell he cannot just go galavanting around the country working a 60 hour week like a childless single person without considering that you need to work as well. That way you are all, as in your family, are financially protected if anything happens to him.

There is a lot of help for childcare 30 hours free, 85% of childcare, tax free childcare, etc. Even if you work and get even mondy wise, you will be building your career and pension.

I never really thought about it before as we were renting a tiny flat, saving for a house to get out of the vicious cycle of paying more to a landlord that can kick you out. cost you more etc
only now we have gotten to our goal and now have life Insurance and hpuse insurance and stuff.

Darling if you're not married and your name isn't on the deeds all you've done is moved from a house where the landlord can kick you out at any time to a house your partner can kick you out of anytime. You need real advice you are in a really vulnerable position.

Why don't you have life insurance linked to the mortgage? I thought it was a pre requisite when two people were buying a house, to safeguard against one of them dying and making the other homeless.

"Our situation works well for our family"

The situation works very, very poorly for you, OP. That statement only works if you don't count. And you don't seem to.

Your dp makes plans for the future as if you do not exist. You feel financially vulnerable (you are) and highly anxious about how you'll ever work again. You are happy to clean houses (nought wrong with that, but you mentioned another career path) over putting yourself first, retraining and finding work that will give you a career.

There is no substitute for work. Not even marriage (which would also be a Very Good Idea). No substitute for you sitting down tomorrow and making a plan for your working future. Then, with the support of your dp and children, putting it into action.

What job would you like to go for? What training or education is needed? How will that be paid for? What childcare will be necessary?

You are so very worth the time and money and effort, OP. And it will benefit your family.

I suppose life just happens and you don't think about these things until you do and then you go 'uh oh I suppose I'll be in the shit' or worse he dies and you're actually in the shit.

So if YOU haven’t thought about these things, why do you think HE should have? You clearly haven’t given any thought to how a bloke who works 60+ hours a week is going to cope with 3 kids and no family support in the event that you die.

How would he continue working and pay the mortgage? And yet HE’S the one who only sees you as a “vessel” for his children when you have both sleepwalked into this situation and your relentless description of him as your “DH” suggests you intend to continue doing so.

I’d get married in a registry office as a matter of urgency just to improve your legal/financial status. Surely a church wedding can come later?

You are very financially vulnerable. If you split, you would have no automatic right to anything that doesn’t have your name on it.

So try to get back to work. Or have a discussion about your partner paying into a pension for you. Or life insurance.

But you need to plan for getting towards some financial independence.

Stop calling him your DH

He is not your DH. He is your DP
Huge massive legal difference. Short answer: get married. Book a Wednesday morning off in 5 weeks or whenever the registry office has their next available opening and get bloody married.

OP, if you've been a sahm for a decade, I assume your dcs are at school.

You need either to marry or to get yourself a job. Or both. Claiming you can't work is absurd. I'm a single mum and have worked full time all the way through. There is always something you can do, more so now so many jobs offer home-based work.

Your situation is your CHOICE. You have very sensible concerns, so sit down with your DP (who is not your husband), discuss the issue and make the necessary changes.

it is the way it has always been done the man works and the women work when the childbearing and rearing is over

Not for a long time. Dh and I both work ft have 2 kids aged 5 and 1 - the gap because childcare for 2 is unaffordable. Not one person in my group of friends or colleagues wives have been SAHP, tbf it hasn’t been the norm for many years. I’m 35 and growing up most of my friends parents also worked.

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time, op.

It is usual for pensions to be left to long-term partners - unless the relationship looks very precarious, which doesn't seem to be the case for you. Entirely normal for assets to be left to the surviving partner, and then to the children when that parent passes.

So yes I would be hurt if I'd facilitated his career and raised four of his children only to learn that he had made no provision for me in the event of his death.

Did you ask him why? I hope he doesn't feel that your relationship won't last, or feel resentful of your sahm status.

Having said that, pp are right that you have walked yourself into this situation. It is a terrible idea to have children and buy a house without getting married. I don't think you can complain too much about a lack of career as you decided to have a baby before establishing a career, and then chose to have three more at intervals that saw you out of work for a decade. Although many talk about being a sahm as a sacrifice I presume you also rather enjoyed not working for ten years, had the luxury of being at home with your little ones every day and so on. I know many people who would have loved to do it but couldn't. So it is not just sacrifice.

I guess the thing to do now is work towards putting things right - he has changed his pension so next is you getting a job, marriage and wills.

The very first thing you can do is to get life insurance up to the value of the mortgage for BOTH of you. If he dies, you can’t pay the mortgage. If you die he will have to pay childcare so also needs to be able to pay off the mortgage.

I don't know anyone with children who has both parents working before school age. childcare costs too much for it to even be an option.

It's a reflection on your community. I by contrast don't know any families with a SAHM. We've all only had maternity leaves of between 6-12m and continued working between and after kids. The "two in nursery" years often cost more than the lower earning parent bring in but it only lasts a year or two before free hours/school make a massive difference.

How old are you OP? Remember women of our generation will work until we are probably 68, if you early thirties you probably have 35+ years of work ahead of you so its absolutely worth getting on and starting your career.

Also it's not a requirement for a man to have a SAHM at home to be promoted/do well at work. My DH has managed it just fine while I've worked and developed my career.

I'd be more concerned about him leaving than dying to be honest. You'd be in shit street then if you've got no employable skills.

Also you're on one hand being "traditional ", but then you're not married, which is odd!

How old are yourr DC now?

If they are at school, there are jobs available for school hours.... not many but places like warehouses do 4hr contracts, weekend work, lunchtime supervisor in school etc

Are you renting or owners OP? You talk about mortgage and then mention rent?

Also - are you actually on the deeds of the house.

There is a difference between being on the mortgage and being liable to pay it .... and being on the deeds and actually owning the home

You’ve been a SAHM for ten years but not even 30 yet. Your qualifications aren’t obsolete but the lack of work experience for most of your adult life will probably hold you back if you need to job search.

OP, for every mortgage I've ever had, I've always been strongly encouraged to get decreasing term life insurance. When I was married, it was for both of us, so if one of us died, the mortgage was paid off. Do you have this - I would find out.

Childcare where I live, full time, is £1400 a month, and the hours aren't great for someone who commutes into central London. But possibly part time work and a childminder would be better - could you look into that? Childcare costs took all my salary for ages, it was shit. That was back in the day, when childcare vouchers or any financial help towards childcare didn't exist. Other posters might know more about the situation now.