How would you feel if your child as beneficiary of his pension instead of you?

[insuretothecore]

stay at home mum for nearly a decade now while having children, earning potential has decreased, no pension contributions in this time while DH is putting money into a private pension on top of what is required. Not a lot, but obviously it builds over a lifetime.
He has put our children down to receive the money if he dies.
I have stayed at home and been mother and wife, my qualifications are now obsolete its been that long since I've been in the game, and it looks like DH thinks I should be left with nothing if he dies.
I have never felt so worthless. we aren't married either.

Yabu - children should be beneficiary
Yanbu - partner should be beneficiary

I think you're way overreacting. Its sorted now. He has agreed to get married but you don't want to do it in a registry office when you could. Once kids go to school get yourself back into workplace cleaning whatever.

You need to get married. You have put yourself in such a risky position being a SAHM for so low. You aren't your partners next of kin as you aren't married! You wouldn't be able to make any medical decisions for him if he was in hospital, it would be his parents. If there is no will everything goes to next of kin, not you. You have no pension, even though out of family money there should be contributions for you going to a private one.

Please stand up for yourself and get yourself some protection. In the eyes of the law you are no more than roommates

it just feels like I gave up everything for the family and I'm not even considered to be looked after financially if he dies before me.

For anyone else reading this and thinking 'it would never happen to me' , please, if you are going to give up your work/career to be a stay at home parent and be financially dependent on someone, get married first.

If he 'doesn't believe in marriage or doesn't want to get married in those circumstances, choose someone else.

End of public service broadcast.

If you’re not married, you’re not his spouse.
Is he considering that you may have a new partner and he wants to be sure the kids are secure?

There are a lot of strong opinions on this thread.

Ultimately OP you have made decisions which mean that in the event your partner leaves you for any reason you will be financially in a very difficult position.

You need to have some open and direct conversations with your DP about how to bring more parity to the financial situation so that if he leaves, gets I'll and can't work or dies you are not left destitute.

If your children are now all in school then you can work, that would give you more security, you may not want to work, you may find that things like after school clubs need to reduce to allow for it but life is like that.

I worked full time from when DD was 9 months old, DH also works full time. We're in a slightly different situation in that I am the higher earner, with more than 4 times his income, so if we split I would be the one paying support to DH, not the other way round.

Marriage is sensible, it can be as simple as going to the registry office, it doesn't need to be a huge shindig.

If not a marriage then you need to ensure you have clear wills that define what will happen with any assets including pensions, and you need to have complete transparency and access to joint funds. You also need to check your Government Gateway account to make sure your NiI contributions are up to date so you get your state pension when it's due, and it would benefit you to have a private pension too which your DH should be willing to set up.

OP: are you named as a joint owner of the house?

You are in an incredibly vulnerable position. You have given up your earned income and pension contributions and if the house is in his name you have absolutely no claim on it if you split or if he dies without having left it to you in a Will.

The named beneficiary of a pension can be changed by a click.
Wills can be changed.
If you split up you will get not one penny of anything not in your name.

My advice is:
Get married.

If he will not marry, as fast as possible refresh your qualifications and get a job. Earn money, any money, build a pension. Do not undertake childcare of his kids that enables him to earn and build his own assets on which you have no claim!

The pension and the death benefit are separate things. Dependant children (as well as a spouse/named partner) would usually be entitled to a pension until they're of age anyway. The trustees are unlikely to pay a pension income to the children after 18/end of FT education regardless of who he names as beneficiary.

I have DH's death benefit and an income from his pension. I feel that the income is "mine" because that was effectively saved from joint income and would have been joint income in retirement had he lived. I have to admit though, I do feel the lump sum death benefit really belongs to DC.

I would feel hurt.

@CrinklyCraggy

The pension and the death benefit are separate things. Dependant children (as well as a spouse/named partner) would usually be entitled to a pension until they're of age anyway. The trustees are unlikely to pay a pension income to the children after 18/end of FT education regardless of who he names as beneficiary.

I have DH's death benefit and an income from his pension. I feel that the income is "mine" because that was effectively saved from joint income and would have been joint income in retirement had he lived. I have to admit though, I do feel the lump sum death benefit really belongs to DC.

It depends what kind of pension it is.

The OP’s DP might have a private pension scheme.

In fact why are you thinking about your partner dying? He's not yet 30, no health Issue?

Because that’s what you have to do when you fill in a work nomination or you make a will. OP I’m wondering if he just took this attitude when completing the form. Just thought it couldn’t happen for another 30 years instead of thinking it could happen tomorrow.

How old are your youngest children? If nursery age, I suspect you would be eligible for funded hours (if not 2 year funding, then 3 year funding), plus tax free childcare (which you can use until children are 12 for wraparound care and holiday club).

Our youngest is in nursery 4 full days a week 9-5 and school age one in school 8:30-4 with after school club (which is free). So it means I work nearly full time hours and it only costs us £200 a month. Even if after school club is not an option there is so much you can do from home. I used to do transcription when my eldest was a baby. I could fit it in the hours I had, including weekends and evenings after bedtime, and could easily make £800 a month in a few hours a day with no childcare costs. Dh has someone he pays to do admin work (answering emails, shipping orders, etc) 3 days a week school hours and she makes £1000 a month.

There are lots of options, you just have to seek them out and also see childcare as a long term investment. After our first, the money I earned was basically cancelled out by the added childcare costs. By the time we had our second, I was making 3x more so the time invested meant it was so much easier for us to afford childcare.

OP, you are probably make it more of it than it was when he put the children's name. In all likelihood, he was told that putting children names down was the norm and he just did whilst being rushed.

You shouldn't have to justify your family choices. If it works for you, that's all that matters. However, you are making it as if you had no choice in it and therefore it's all about the sacrifices you've made.

It isn't. You chose to have a child before gaining any work experience or further qualifications and then went on to have two more children soon after. These were choice that has put you in a potential vulnerable position. However, hopefully, your relationship is secure and you'll be fine. It's along way before you reach retirement age so entry of time to get these qualifications and get decently paid jobs.

You don't want to work really do you OP?

At least be honest.

Every excuse in the book.

Op you sound incredibly passive in ash toss and very "woe is me". Yes it sticks that he didn't think of you but you should have expected it. He's been very clear that he doesn't want to marry you either. So you sit at home being a free nanny and he gets a proper life, working away and building his pension and you are sat at home worrying about having zero career or prospects and being left high and dry.

In your shoes I would absolutely be forcing him to marry me. We either marry or we separate. And if I was you I would be signing up to the OU and doing a part time degree or book keeping course or something. You need to make sure that you are ready for work as soon as your youngest kid is in school. Then pay 30% off your wage into a pension ( more if you can).

And none of the " but I can't do a degree, I live on a council estate/didn't do well in school " bollocks. I didn't get a single GCSE and left at 14 but I've gone on to get three dates while at home raising 4 kids and juggling the house. Plus I'm disabled with an autistic son. Anybody can do it. But you need to be pro active and go get it, it won't fall in your lap.

I am going to echo what others have said. Get life insurance for both of you. What will he do of something happens to you. Or you get a disability etc.

Can you take this time to study and up skill yourself ready to get back into working.

As previously mentioned you could work evenings or weekends but know that family time is important too.

I like many others worked since my children were babies. It wasn't a option to not too and my ex was in the navy. I never factored him into the childcare plans. What we did do was have the children so that there was only one lot of child care though.

@MumGoneMild

I’d want everything to go to the kids, my partner of 20 years is capable of looking after himself and I think his will is the same to tbh

This isn’t partner, it is husband. And the children will grow up and probably be more easily able to earn than their parent pushing retirement age that hasn’t worked for a couple of decades.

If the children are still minors at death of parent (which most won’t be) then the remaining parent needs to be able to access money.

OP, you're dead on - you don't know what you don't know and Mumsnet is a great resource!
@mindutopia's advice seems excellent, and also you could afford to take out some insurance / a pension if you had some money of your own. But if not, some conversations about what would happen if either one of you was ill or injured or even died would be a good idea - I always think if you prepare for it that'll stop it happening.

Talking to each other is the key here and you are doing that. Plus he's changed the beneficiary of the pension already.
Keep moving forward to ensure your family is secure whatever life throws at you all.

Its done, best thing to do is get married, look for work when you can, doesn’t matter what it is or how many hours just to get back into it and make sure your pension is being contributed too as well.

YANBU though, even if you aren’t married he should have thought of you first with small children.

@MichelleScarn

In fact why are you thinking about your partner dying? He's not yet 30, no health Issue?

Because people of any age die. Accidents can happen to anyone at any time.

Mumsnet is a great resource. I don't know anyone with children who has both parents working before school age. childcare costs too much for it to even be an option.

I think this says more about the people you have around you and/or the community you live in. Where I live it's the norm for both parents to work before kids are of school age.

Even if at the time you're basically working for free you have the added bonus of pension contributions, financial security and will easily be able to get another job should things go tits up.

Yes Angelina.
The minute you have kids you should think what happens to them if one or other parent dies.
I was a sahm but we had insurance on my life when they were young to cover full care so they and my DH wouldn't have been financially impacted if I'd snuffed it. Because it's so unlikely at that young age it's not expensive cover either.

@Tee20x

Mumsnet is a great resource. I don't know anyone with children who has both parents working before school age. childcare costs too much for it to even be an option.

I think this says more about the people you have around you and/or the community you live in. Where I live it's the norm for both parents to work before kids are of school age.

Even if at the time you're basically working for free you have the added bonus of pension contributions, financial security and will easily be able to get another job should things go tits up.

Times have changed Op. When my children were born in the early 90s the group of mums I was friendly with stayed at home until the youngest was at school. That was not unusual. But every one of us was married, owned a house jointly and had professional careers we could return to once the children were in Reception.All those things were crucial to me and a second friend when our husband's left us. She went back to accountancy and I went back to primary teaching. My DIL is about to have a baby. She is married,and owns the house with my son, but she is taking maternity leave and then returning to work. All her friends either have ,or will, do the same. OP you seem to have started in a vulnerable demographic and your choices have made you even more vulnerable. At the very least you need to get married. You may have to accept that a registry office is your best option in your precarious situation.The wish to do it in front of God seems at odds with having 3 children out of wedlock. If you wait until you can afford a church wedding, but your partner dies the week before you get there, you will be absolutely up a creek. After my, now ex husband, left, the marriage certificate was the most important piece of paper I owned. Had he died the same would also have been true. If you are married and your husband dies you are entitled to a lump of money from the government and then a regular payment ( not sure how much but certainly worth having) If you are not legally married you will get nothing.

If being a SAHM leaves you feeling worthless why have you done it?

Why would you be left with nothing? House? Life insurance? Occupational pension?

You are incredibly financially vulnerable and you need to look after your own interests. That means either getting a job, getting married or putting legal agreements and life assurance policies in place to protect yourself.

If your relationship is good then I would make a joint appointment with a solicitor and a financial planner who will spell out your options to you both.