How would you feel if your child as beneficiary of his pension instead of you?

[insuretothecore]

stay at home mum for nearly a decade now while having children, earning potential has decreased, no pension contributions in this time while DH is putting money into a private pension on top of what is required. Not a lot, but obviously it builds over a lifetime.
He has put our children down to receive the money if he dies.
I have stayed at home and been mother and wife, my qualifications are now obsolete its been that long since I've been in the game, and it looks like DH thinks I should be left with nothing if he dies.
I have never felt so worthless. we aren't married either.

Yabu - children should be beneficiary
Yanbu - partner should be beneficiary

OP, I think you're getting quite a lot of flack on here. The reason is because posters on Mumsnet get tired of saying the same thing over and over again to different people.

If you give up work to be a stay at home parent, or even go part-time, and are financially reliant on your partner, you are potentially making yourself very vulnerable. It means that you are contributing a lot of unpaid labour to the household, allowing your partner to carry on doing paid work. If you were married then you would be better protected in the event of your husband's death, and if you got divorced you would be entitled to a share of your husband's assets to reflect the unpaid contribution you have made. If you are not married then there are certain things you aren't entitled to (or aren't automatically entitled to) in the event of your partner's death, and you aren't entitled to anything if you split. The non-financial contribution you have made isn't recognised, because the law doesn't see you as anything more than flatmates with separate finances.

That said, if you are a low income family without a lot of assets, it may not make a huge amount of difference if you split. Divorcing a husband with assets of £500,000 means you get a share of £500,000. Divorcing a husband with £20 in the bank means you get bugger all. If your partner were to die, however, there are certain benefits you would only be entitled to if you were married, which would be very valuable to you on a low income.

Nothing you have said in your posts indicates that your partner doesn't want to marry you because he wants to protect his wealth. (Your posts don't seem to suggest that he actually has a lot of wealth to protect, although I could be wrong about that.) So if you would rather be married, you should sit down with him and point out all the ways in which your current situation makes you legally vulnerable, and say you would like to get married even if you just do a quick and dirty registry office wedding for £200.

Whether you get married or not, I think you should be making plans to re-enter the workforce. Even if it's not feasible until your older children are in school and your youngest is entitled to subsidised childcare. It's just not good to be financially dependent on a man, whether you are married to him or not.

Good luck.

@MichelleScarn

In fact why are you thinking about your partner dying? He's not yet 30, no health Issue?

He could die in a car crash on his way to work tomorrow.

I know three people who were widowed that way.

It's not just about pension is it? It's about both of you working together in partnership.

I was a sahm when children were small and had a long time out of work. Wanted back in so we discussed it and DH agreed to go part time so I could work long hours and study to progress my career.

We've both ended up " behind" our peers in terms of career progression but that seemed fairer to us that one of us forging ahead and the other losing the opportunity for personal development and earnings.

Can you discuss together how both of your needs can be met?

@MichelleScarn

In fact why are you thinking about your partner dying? He's not yet 30, no health Issue?

Anyone who has kids should have a will that ensures they will be taken care of to their maximum benefit in the event of either parent's death. As soon as they have children. Just in case of the worst. It's sensible planning that parents should take seriously from day one.

For all those telling you to get married- that doesn’t necessarily affect the beneficiary of a pension. For example you can still leave all your defined contribution pension to your children whether married or not. It passes outside your estate

@Rainbowqueeen

Yes OP that would make me feel crap.

I hope it spurs you into action. In your shoes I would start looking for work immediately. CAB might be a good place to start to look at your options. Or a recruitment agency. You have mentioned cleaning. Would care work interest you - there are usually lots of jobs available. I’d try to start earning asap but come up with a longer term plan.

Is getting married an option? I’d discuss it with my partner and if he agrees, get it booked. No fuss, just get it done.

It’s great that you have realised things need to change while you are relatively young. So get to work on changing them. And 💐💐. You are not worthless.

Thank you @rainbowqueeen x (I don't give kisses os this means something)

As a (now non practising IFA) I am wincing at this thread.

You seriously need proper advice and not from the internet either. The fact that your partner hasn't even considered the position you'd be in financially should he die is worrying and you are indeed in a precarious position. Does he have decent life insurance? Are you the beneficiary of that? Does he even have a will?

You are in a precarious position. Aside from the pension do you have life insurance for each other? He would likely need cover if you died to cover childcare and you would need insurance to cover the mortgage.

What are the actual ages of your children? If pre-school age will you get free hours soon? I suspect you could make something work if you really needed/wanted to.

You've had so much excellent advice on this thread OP.

I'm glad you asked the question and hope you take on board all the really good advice you've been given.

In fact why are you thinking about your partner dying? He's not yet 30, no health Issue?

This is one of the most stupidest comments ever.

I work in a family support type job. You would be surprised, I think by the number of adults who have a young family that have died. Sure some have been from drug misadventure but other cases have been completely random or accidental. We’ve supported a family whose dad died in an industrial accident, a mum who was talking to her mates and two hours later had died from a brain haemorrhage. Someone else was murdered in an entirely unproved attack by people he didn’t know. There are more examples, the point is you never know when your time is up whether you are 9 days old, 29 year’s or 99.

Happened to my family member they were married he had a lot of money she did work but spent money like anything because "they" were rich he left everything to the children she is allowed to stay in the house (I believe she has the house or at least the right to live there) but all the money and other assets gone to the children they were so grateful they didn't even help to put a gravestone on his grave it remains not done to this day because she can't afford it she was retirement age when he passed and only has a state pension the house was a shambles so all her money goes on repairs

Be careful of your wills they might hurt the ones you leave behind

[quote insuretothecore]@pitterpatterrain he has changed it now I have asked him to but my feeling is that I am hurt I wasn't even considered. Or told. I think these decisions are family decisions.
what if I still have the mortgage to pay or need a cleaner due to health or need to buy a motorised wheelchair or scooter thing in the future?
We aren't rich, we were barely scraping by at the time he did this.
but now are in a better position as he has had a promotion and is paid better now, but that's because I'm at home with the kids and looking after the home.

I finished my qualifications to get a dream, liw paying job (which was a compromise anyway as I couldnt be full dream job with children. Think nurse instead of dr or dental nurse instead of dentist) and started it but had to quit because DHs pays more and os obviously better for the family to have more money. He is working 60+ hours a week plus commute plus staying away whenever he is needed. So it's not really possible, I couldn't even manage 1 day a week because DHs schedule is so unpredictable. Its just the way things are for us and I don't mind on the whole.
ut now I feel like I'm just the mother. I dont deserve financial protection if the worst happens. I don't feel like a partner.

No he hasn't been contributing to a pension for me. We have just bought our first house now months) but when he put this dowm we were renting with no assets and minimal savings which were going to go towards the house we just got.

I know it sounds grabby but surely it goes Spouse, then children. not children.[/quote]
I don't understand these posts about how people can't possibly work because of their partner's schedule. How do you think single mothers manage it?