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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your child as beneficiary of his pension instead of you?

187 replies

insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 22:19

stay at home mum for nearly a decade now while having children, earning potential has decreased, no pension contributions in this time while DH is putting money into a private pension on top of what is required. Not a lot, but obviously it builds over a lifetime.
He has put our children down to receive the money if he dies.
I have stayed at home and been mother and wife, my qualifications are now obsolete its been that long since I've been in the game, and it looks like DH thinks I should be left with nothing if he dies.
I have never felt so worthless. we aren't married either.

Yabu - children should be beneficiary
Yanbu - partner should be beneficiary

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 12/02/2022 23:04

It is the way it has always been done the man works and the women work when the childbearing and rearing is over.
Fucksake!!! No one told me! Excellent! No more work for me now, give me money to stay at home please 'its the way it's always been done' 🤣🤣🤣

CherryBlossomCheer · 12/02/2022 23:04

Giving up work only made sense and benefited him, not your best interests. You’ve missed out on 10 years of earnings and pension contributions- that’s huge. And the icing on the cake is that he doesn’t intend to pass his good fortune on to you if the worst happens.

You have zero legal protection to fall back on being unmarried too. The best thing to do would be to get yourself a job, look after number one, he certainly is. Childcare costs need to be shared or taken on by him due to his larger wage, not just taken off your salary.

Kpo58 · 12/02/2022 23:05

Which pension scheme is your DP in? That might make a difference on the responses.

whatnumber · 12/02/2022 23:06

Are you saying the house is in his name only?
Make sure it's both names.

fallfallfall · 12/02/2022 23:07

it would make some sense if the child/children are from a different relationship or disabled.
dh is dear husband which has some legal implications that dp/so doesn't.

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 23:07

@MichelleScarn

In fact why are you thinking about your partner dying? He's not yet 30, no health Issue?
had a recent diagnosis of cancer in the family last year. They are gone now. Very quick and it just brings everything to the forefront. Also we have moved into our own house and we were chatting about bills coming out and the house insurance is coming out and it just evolved.

I really don't want another 'you stupid poor woman why don't you work?' thread. I asked why would my DH forget I exist when filling out who gets his money when if he dies before retirement.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/02/2022 23:07

If you are not married, you are not his "spouse" you are his "Baby Mama" and "live-in housekeeper".
-Take out a life insurance policy on him with you as owner/beneficiary. Make the payments yourself to be sure it stays active.
-Open a savings account in your own name and save whatever you can.
-Be very kind to your children, as you will be living with them in your old age.

GladysAndFred · 12/02/2022 23:07

YABU to be a stay at home mum when you aren't even married.

It is the way it has always been done the man works and the women work when the childbearing and rearing is over.

Traditionally, they would be married.
And in any case, what century is it?

2022success · 12/02/2022 23:08

It is the way it has always been done the man works and the women work when the childbearing and rearing is over.

This only works if
A: You are married
B: You are independently financially wealthy.

Has marriage never been discussed? Would either of you object to marrying now?

GladysAndFred · 12/02/2022 23:09

I asked why would my DH forget I exist when filling out who gets his money when if he dies before retirement.

Because they are his kids, and you are just some woman he lives with. Does that answer your question?

2022success · 12/02/2022 23:10

I asked why would my DH forget I exist when filling out who gets his money when if he dies before retirement.

Because he isn't your DH. You aren't married. He has made it clear as anything that you aren't that important to him. He hasn't "forgotten" you exist has he?

MMM0003 · 12/02/2022 23:11

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Starseeking · 12/02/2022 23:12

I couldn't see if there was a specific reason that you aren't married to your DP. Getting married means most assets would automatically go to you if he died, so if you feel strongly about that (and I would if I were you, so it's not a negative that you do), I'd be getting married asap.

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 23:12

@whatnumber

Are you saying the house is in his name only? Make sure it's both names.
both names on the mortgage. But still what if the mortgage isn't paid and he's gone? would I lose the house if I don't work orost likely work part time because of the children. and all of our children are both of ours. teenaged sweethearts. so he isn't protecting himself. He just didn't think of me. in fact he didn't think it was a big deal.
OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 12/02/2022 23:13

It is the way it has always been done the man works and the women work when the childbearing and rearing is over.

That might be the way it's done in your family. It isn't how everyone does it.

I absolutely agree you that he should have listed you as the beneficiary. It's awful that he had given so little thought to your future security, but to be honest, you sound like you have been just as irresponsible. Why on earth did you give up your job when you are not married to him? And why do you refer to yourself as his spouse when you clearly aren't?

froggybiby · 12/02/2022 23:13

By claiming CB you get credits towards the state pension. You can't live on it but it helps you in that respect, hence people asking.
I hope you manage to get it sorted. Flowers

MMM0003 · 12/02/2022 23:15

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AlexaShutUp · 12/02/2022 23:16

I think you now need to get married as a matter of urgency, or go out and get a job of your own. Ideally both.

Don't rely on this man to protect and support you. He has shown you that he either can't or won't. You need to take responsibility for yourself.

2022success · 12/02/2022 23:16

@GeorgiaGirl52

If you are not married, you are not his "spouse" you are his "Baby Mama" and "live-in housekeeper". -Take out a life insurance policy on him with you as owner/beneficiary. Make the payments yourself to be sure it stays active. -Open a savings account in your own name and save whatever you can. -Be very kind to your children, as you will be living with them in your old age.
This is good advice. And get a job earning as much as you can, as soon as you can. Not much else you can do now OP if one or both of you doesn't wish to marry.
steff13 · 12/02/2022 23:17

It is the way it has always been done the man works and the women work when the childbearing and rearing is over.

Actually, I think the way it's generally been done is that you get married, then have children, then stay home with them. Marriage provides you a lot of protection that you've decided to forgo for whatever reason.

He's probably not thinking that the beneficiary of his pension isn't going to be an issue for quite a few years. At which time, you may be in a better position. If I read correctly, he changed it, so it seems like a non issue.

Closedlips · 12/02/2022 23:18

My children are my beneficiaries but were married and both have good pensions. Of he died with a mortgage still going presumably his aforementioned life insurance would pay it off?

When was the last time you worked if you have preschool children?

steff13 · 12/02/2022 23:19

Sorry but that is fucking harsh. She's been looking after the kids and actually not everyone wants to get married or gets asked. What OP should do is start safeguarding her financial future. Your advice isn't helpful is it?

Yes it was actually quite helpful. How does she safeguard her financial future without getting married or getting a job?

Chilledchablis1 · 12/02/2022 23:22

I know marriage isn’t for everyone but is there a reason you haven’t got married ?

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 23:23

He has always been against marriage as his parents split when he was young and his mum always said don't bother. I asked he said no he will never do it.
Then a couple of years ago I said I wanted to get married (when we were seriously saving to buy a house and I was looking into it) and he said yes OK asked me. (lol I begged him for years first so romantic) but covid happened and we have just moved, it's down the list. I know everyone's going to jump on and say it doesn't have to be expensive but it's still a couple hundred just for registry office and no guests or party or dress (more for church and I want to do it in front of god) so it's just not something we will be doing tomorrow. maybe next year.

he's changing it. its not like he doesn't want to but he didn't discuss it or think of the reality. I gave up my career (didn't even get started really) and now if I ever want to do it I'll have to go back to college and uni and that costs money and time so I'll probably clean houses as its part time, flexible and easy to get. it works for the family. at least until the kids are in secondary and they don't have xyz to do. plus it'll be a 13 or 14 year gap from working. no experience. I don't even have any friends as I just don't have time or energy.
it just feels like I gave up everything for the family and I'm not even considered to be looked after financially if he dies before me. What about the funeral too. bloody hell it's made me feel like I'm worth nothing. like he loves the children but not the vessel they came in.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 12/02/2022 23:25

Sorry but that is fucking harsh. She's been looking after the kids and actually not everyone wants to get married or gets asked.
So if you're not a sahm are you not looking after your kids? Is there a hierarchy?

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