How would you feel if your child as beneficiary of his pension instead of you?

[insuretothecore]

stay at home mum for nearly a decade now while having children, earning potential has decreased, no pension contributions in this time while DH is putting money into a private pension on top of what is required. Not a lot, but obviously it builds over a lifetime.
He has put our children down to receive the money if he dies.
I have stayed at home and been mother and wife, my qualifications are now obsolete its been that long since I've been in the game, and it looks like DH thinks I should be left with nothing if he dies.
I have never felt so worthless. we aren't married either.

Yabu - children should be beneficiary
Yanbu - partner should be beneficiary

My DH is leaving his pension to our children, they will benefit for longer than me. That said I will naturally inherit his half of our house plus there's significant cash set aside.

On its own the pension thing isn't bad but being a SAHM unmarried is. Personally I'd be looking at having a low key wedding.

@AlexaShutUp

I don't know anyone with children who has both parents working before school age. childcare costs too much for it to even be an option.

OK, so it sounds like you are living in a deprived community where everyone is on a low wage. Maybe you are also surrounded by others who are in a similarly precarious position to your own, and that you do not therefore fully appreciate the risks that you are exposing yourself to. They are significant and you have no protection at the moment. Please consider either finding a job or getting married sooner - you can do the paperwork and then have a proper celebration later.

nail on the head here. don't know anyone who knows this stuff and the only people I know who have a house is council so no deposit needed. Also marriage comes at about 30-40 when (ironically) you are financially secure! you just do what you know don't you?

and to the poster who said contradicting myself. I was on track to getting a good job that I was j terested In , fell pregnant decided to post pone and keep baby. Me and dh moved in and we talked about it decided we wanted more children and thought we would have them close together so they an grow up together, be close and if not going to be working for 4 years until reception what's one more? but it took longer and bee 2 more and then we had surprise so now ots looking like 13 years. I had a very short stint in the middle before surprise baby but even before that happened I had to quit because DH couldn't be there to look after them, no family help and the local nurseries have minimum days and it costs more than I could have earned part time, plus travel costs, extra hours for travelling to and from. It would have cost us more and we were renting, saving for a house and it wasn't worth it. in the end it took us 8 years to get enough as house prices keep going up and its a race to save
we wouldn't have done it if we were losing money so I'm confident we made the right decision. BUT still financially dependent on DH and have a very lived working history and experience. a big gap and children which deter employers. don't care what you say its true
I already know I'm up shit creek if DH left me or died but him not even realising or thinking about that DESPITE ME TELLING HIM! just was the cherry on top

If he won't marry you take out life insurance on him so you can at least afford to buy your house out right.

@steff13

Sorry it works well for our living family. The zombies hate it.

No it works for your partner and your children are probably unaffected either way. It doesn't work for you. I wouldn't be so snarky if I was in that position.

Cut out my wink face emoji that indicated joke that's not very nice, or clever as there is a written record of the infact joke.

Now that you know you have no protection what about just getting married down the registry office, don't even need to tell
Anyone!
It does sound like your boyfriend hasn't really thought about you in any sort of
Way if something bad happens. I don't think that means he thinks your worthless at all it's probably just not crossed his mind. But now you know and youve thought about it you'd be daft not to put some plans in place! Especially if you plan not to have a career and do cleaning part time because you'll just never earn as much as him.

Cut out my wink face emoji that indicatedjoke that's not very nice, or clever as there is a written record of the infact joke.

You can't copy am emoji when you copy on here. And it really isn't something to be joking about anyway. You're in a very precarious position.

I understand, OP. It's easy for other people to judge if they are surrounded by people who are making better financial decisions, and there are things that therefore seem like basic common sense. But we are all influenced by our environments and if everyone you know was making similar choices, it's easy to see why you might not have thought about doing things differently.

I do think you've made some errors of judgement that have put you in a tricky position now, but you can take steps now to improve the situation. Life insurance is a good plan. And so is finding a job of some sort. It doesn't matter if you haven't had much experience, you can still start to build it up now. And please just get married. Try to make your dp understand how vulnerable the current situation makes you. If he is decent, he will take steps to protect you. If he is not, then all the more reason for needing to protect yourself.

I don’t want to add to the doom and gloom. You are doing what you believed best for your family, but you, like so many of us women, have difficulties thinking about yourself .
Hopefully you now realise: if you are married and something awful happens (eg you split up or one of you dies) everything you have built up together (savings, house, pension etc regardless of who’s name they are in) is split, or inherited by the surviving spouse.
If you are not married, and one of you died without a will, each partner is only entitled to what is already theirs and in their name- eg half the house IF both names are on the mortgage and half of the joint accounts for example. The other half goes to his direct relatives in a specific order (kids, parents, siblings, blood related aunts and uncles, cousins NOTHING is automatically left to the unmarried partner ) It’s the same if you split up - if you are unmarried he has to pay towards his children but you get nothing you don’t already own in your own name.
It’s quite a shock and it’s tough. Marriage is a legal contract that gives both parties rights over each other’s property, it is a lot more than a piece of paper. You need a lot of other legal documents to get those benefits if you don’t want to go down the marriage route.

Your situation actually doesn't work well for your living family. If your DP died, your living family is you and your DC.

If you are not married, or named on the house deeds or life insurance, your house would have to be sold to settle the mortgage balance, and you would have no income other than any state benefits you could claim to live on.

You are in an extremely vulnerable position OP, I wouldn't waste your time on here thinking up smart responses to those who've given you robust advice. I'd be absorbing the most useful and helpful comments, and focussing on sorting this out pdq.

Makes me sad that a woman of nearly 30 has the same views as my mother...who is 80...

She was a stay at home mother, she felt my father 'owed' her financial support for her whole life because she'd had children. Backfired massively on her when he left her for OW when I was 21 (he'd waited until my younger brother turned 18 so he wouldn't have to pay child support).

They were married, but had only owned the house for 3 years so hardly any equity. No pensions, savings, insurance...nothing. House had to be sold and the equity was split. My mother ended up with a lump sum of £10K, after a 23 year marriage.

She now lives in the Australian equivalent of a tiny housing association flat on a state pension.

If you aren't going to get married you need to get a job asap.

@insuretothecore, I know plenty of families where both parents work with 1 or 2 children in full time child care. My dd went back to work after 10 months and her D's had to go to full time nursery. Childcare is very expensive but too much time out of your career is more expensive in the long run. She waited to have a second child until her first child was getting his free hours at preschool. After second DC she went back in to my work after 8 months. It is normal to go back to work after having a baby.

@insuretothecore, not sure if you're doing it on purpose or if mentally it is what you want but he is NOT you're DH.
he is your dear partner and the legal difference is significant when it comes to finances.
so i read that your doing the best you know how based on your lived experience.
you have multiple posters telling you that the first step in securing your future is to marry.

then other's giving you more detailed advice and you're saying no way.
change is hard but would you want your daughter to be in such a position with the very real potential of being homeless with hardly any income in her older years?
it's a good thing your asking and the potential if you seek financial advice could be life changing for you in 5 years.

Get married. You are in a really precarious situation.
Then train to do something, then get a job.

It is the way it has always been done the man works and the women work when the childbearing and rearing is over

And this tradition was always in tandem with the tradition of marriage.

He's chosen the bits that allow him to have free childcare, a partner, someone to take care of her home and have sex with but not the bits that mean he has to share any assets of finances if you split up.

@insuretothecore

stay at home mum for nearly a decade now while having children, earning potential has decreased, no pension contributions in this time while DH is putting money into a private pension on top of what is required. Not a lot, but obviously it builds over a lifetime. He has put our children down to receive the money if he dies. I have stayed at home and been mother and wife, my qualifications are now obsolete its been that long since I've been in the game, and it looks like DH thinks I should be left with nothing if he dies. I have never felt so worthless. we aren't married either.

Yabu - children should be beneficiary
Yanbu - partner should be beneficiary

Yabu because your dp could well be equally as clueless as you about the risks to your future if something happened to him, he could be relying on the common law wife myth.

not to mention as quickly as he changed the beneficiary he could change it back....so naïve.

Yes OP that would make me feel crap.

I hope it spurs you into action. In your shoes I would start looking for work immediately. CAB might be a good place to start to look at your options. Or a recruitment agency. You have mentioned cleaning. Would care work interest you - there are usually lots of jobs available. I’d try to start earning asap but come up with a longer term plan.

Is getting married an option? I’d discuss it with my partner and if he agrees, get it booked. No fuss, just get it done.

It’s great that you have realised things need to change while you are relatively young. So get to work on changing them. And 💐💐. You are not worthless.

I'd be hurt by this too. You would need that money in later life.

I'm in Australia, where things are slightly different, but may have implications about your husband's private pension.

When my DH died, his occupational pension contacted me about NoK, etc. and nominated beneficiaries and children, their age, etc. The pension company made the decision about the split of the pension. They judged 100% to me. This is the point: they could have overridden my DH's intentions had they so judged.

It's worth checking out your OH's pension scheme to see if this applies.
Although a lot of stuff on pensions is online now, there'll be hard copies somewhere of original documents.

Meanwhile, good advice here about getting married/a job, etc.

While I loved my DH dearly, as I he did me, getting married was significantly about making money matters, particularly pensions, easier.

OP, you are being very defensive. You can help yourself here by:

Ensuring money is being paid into a private pension in your name.
Better still getting a job and/or qualifications.
Getting life insurance on him.
Making sure you own half the house legally.
Getting married.

My husband left me when I was in my mid 40's. It happens and my standard of living is lower now - I'm rebuilding my career. But he didn't get to walk away - my marriage certificate got me a court ordered settlement.

People are trying to warn you. We see so many women like you on here and you need to know that you do not have to live as if you have no control over your life.

You need to stop being sarcastic about well meaned replies you don't like and start organising your life.

There's a huge amount to unpack here OP. It does seem like both you and your DP have been quite foolhardy financially.

Having child benefit means you get NI contributions toward your pension.

There should be insurance alongside your mortgage which should stipulate that the mortgage is paid off if one of you dies- you should check that.

What about life insurance? It doesn't seem like something either of you have considered. He needs to get it for you too. Not only so you can be financially protected but so he can be if you die too. Life insurance would mean having money to support yourself potentially, but for him it would mean that things like childcare would be covered.
It doesn't cost a huge amount, I took some out several years ago, and coverage works out at about £4000 a month. I think we're paying £60 a month. It's worth the peace of mind.

Please, if you can figure out how to work from home, evenings or weekends. Even if it is only 1/2 shifts per week. You need to have some financial stability. I'm off work at the moment because of Pregnancy related health issues, we've discussed our finances for when the baby arrives. Myself and DH earn penny for penny the same so one of us working didn't necessarily mean it had to be me (except for breastfeeding!) But DH is cutting his pension down in order to pay into mine whilst I'm off work because its unfair otherwise given that I'm at home so he doesn't have to be, given that our working hours would make childcare nigh on impossible. He wouldn't take advantage of the situation where it seems your partner hasn't even given it any thought.

Tbh I am thinking there's a chance this isn't real 'I suppose it was the trend for marriage being a piece of paper'. Really? You are aware it was just a trend but planned your life on it anyway?

You live in a deprived area, he doesn't earn that much but managed to get a mortgage with both of your names on? So it must be a cheap area? When one person isn't working, mortgage application usually classea that person as a dependent. So he would have had an extra dependent to factor in.

So either he earns fairly well or it's a cheap area. I live in a similar area. Plenty of the mothers work when their kids go to school.

You are chose to be a sahm and choosing to remain so. You are choosing to be out of the work place. If he is on a low wage you, wont earn much you will get help towards breakfast clubs.

You sounds fairly young (around 30) so have time to build your pension. Being a sahm benefitted him. But it also benefitted you. Its choice you made and our choices have consequences. Whatever we choose.

You need to get back into work. Quite frankly if he isn't paid well, his pension won't be enough, if he died to keep you comfortable, pay the mortgage off etc

He needs life insurance, to pay the mortgage off, if he died. The more urgent situation would be if he left you. You wouldn't get to stay in the home for as long as you want or pay for yiu in anyway. You need your own income.

Which is why, in general, lots of women work.

Stop planning your life on what other people do or say and secure your own financial security.

Two things stand out here. If you were childhood sweethearts and he's around 30 then you must be around the same age. So you have 30+ more years earning potential.

Secondly, when me and DP wrote our will we went together to get it done. It wouldn't have occurred to me to do it separately - then we both knew exactly what the plan was. It sounds like a communication issue here.

@MichelleScarn

In fact why are you thinking about your partner dying? He's not yet 30, no health Issue?

You win the silliest comment of the thread 🏆