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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your child as beneficiary of his pension instead of you?

187 replies

insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 22:19

stay at home mum for nearly a decade now while having children, earning potential has decreased, no pension contributions in this time while DH is putting money into a private pension on top of what is required. Not a lot, but obviously it builds over a lifetime.
He has put our children down to receive the money if he dies.
I have stayed at home and been mother and wife, my qualifications are now obsolete its been that long since I've been in the game, and it looks like DH thinks I should be left with nothing if he dies.
I have never felt so worthless. we aren't married either.

Yabu - children should be beneficiary
Yanbu - partner should be beneficiary

OP posts:
steff13 · 12/02/2022 23:26

Certainly he should have life insurance that should cover his funeral. And you really should have something built into your mortgage that covers the mortgage if something happens to one or the other of you or both. He should get life insurance that will cover his salary for at least a couple of years for you to live off of or something happens to him.

AlexaShutUp · 12/02/2022 23:29

@insuretothecore

He has always been against marriage as his parents split when he was young and his mum always said don't bother. I asked he said no he will never do it. Then a couple of years ago I said I wanted to get married (when we were seriously saving to buy a house and I was looking into it) and he said yes OK asked me. (lol I begged him for years first so romantic) but covid happened and we have just moved, it's down the list. I know everyone's going to jump on and say it doesn't have to be expensive but it's still a couple hundred just for registry office and no guests or party or dress (more for church and I want to do it in front of god) so it's just not something we will be doing tomorrow. maybe next year.

he's changing it. its not like he doesn't want to but he didn't discuss it or think of the reality. I gave up my career (didn't even get started really) and now if I ever want to do it I'll have to go back to college and uni and that costs money and time so I'll probably clean houses as its part time, flexible and easy to get. it works for the family. at least until the kids are in secondary and they don't have xyz to do. plus it'll be a 13 or 14 year gap from working. no experience. I don't even have any friends as I just don't have time or energy.
it just feels like I gave up everything for the family and I'm not even considered to be looked after financially if he dies before me. What about the funeral too. bloody hell it's made me feel like I'm worth nothing. like he loves the children but not the vessel they came in.

But you're contradicting yourself here. On the one hand, you say that you have made huge sacrifices by giving up everything for your family, but on the other hand you are saying that your career never really got started anyway. Did you have a career or not?

Personally, I think you made a mistake giving up work without being married first, but you don't seem to be in a hurry to get married even now, so it doesn't sound like you are really prioritising your own financial security. It's interesting then that you expect your dh to think about this for you when you are not looking after your own interests yourself.

notacooldad · 12/02/2022 23:31

Sorry yes, dh means significant other, husband, life partner on here. as a shortened term?
No it doesn’t. DH = husband DP = partner.Most of the time it won’t matter what you use but it does when you are talking about living arrangements and finances.

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 23:32

@AlexaShutUp

It is the way it has always been done the man works and the women work when the childbearing and rearing is over.

That might be the way it's done in your family. It isn't how everyone does it.

I absolutely agree you that he should have listed you as the beneficiary. It's awful that he had given so little thought to your future security, but to be honest, you sound like you have been just as irresponsible. Why on earth did you give up your job when you are not married to him? And why do you refer to yourself as his spouse when you clearly aren't?

Because I was about to push out a baby! I suppose life just happens and you don't think about these things until you do and then you go 'uh oh I suppose I'll be in the shit' or worse he dies and you're actually in the shit. I never worked, I was still working towards working when I got pregnant and he was earning enough to support us so he did.

I finished my qualifications online at home with 3 children as soon as I saved enough for the fee but his job pays more than 'mine' ever would or could now so his just takes precedent. you remember the gender pay gap? Just thats why.

Our situation works well for our family BUT if he died or if he left me ( I couldn't even dream of it because I'm financially dependent and have children to comsider - luckily I don't want to he is the love of my life) well if have been done for.

Mumsnet is a great resource. I don't know anyone with children who has both parents working before school age. childcare costs too much for it to even be an option.

OP posts:
steff13 · 12/02/2022 23:34

Our situation works well for our family BUT if he died or if he left me ( I couldn't even dream of it because I'm financially dependent and have children to comsider - luckily I don't want to he is the love of my life) well if have been done for.

The fact that you would be in financial trouble if he died or left you means that your situation does NOT work well for your family.

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 23:35

@MichelleScarn

Sorry but that is fucking harsh. She's been looking after the kids and actually not everyone wants to get married or gets asked. So if you're not a sahm are you not looking after your kids? Is there a hierarchy?
That's not what she said. stay at home mum or working mum. Main part is the MUM part.
OP posts:
MindTheGapMoveAlong · 12/02/2022 23:36

I’m sorry that you’re in this position - your financial naivety is really troubling- but you need to educate yourself and fast. Can I suggest this website as a starting point
www.clevergirlfinance.com.
Your partner needs a reality check; how does he expect you to look after hischildren with no access to financial resources? Does he realise you’ll all be homeless? You need to find out what’s covered by savings/insurance, who benefits and who doesn’t. Financial planning isn’t doomo get ing, it’s taking responsibility for your family.

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 23:38

@Chilledchablis1

I know marriage isn’t for everyone but is there a reason you haven’t got married ?
I suppose as well there was a trend of people saying marriage is just a piece of paper and you don't want a marriage you want a wedding party I know everyone on mumsnet knows everything but in reality you don't! I know nowarriage is for financial protection but if I was nt on this site I just would not know!
OP posts:
CayrolBaaaskin · 12/02/2022 23:38

I worked full time in a demanding job from when dd2 was 9 months. I became a single parent and still work full time. Having kids is not the reason you haven’t worked for 10 years.

I also left my pension to my kids not my ex even when we were together. I wanted them to have it.

AlexaShutUp · 12/02/2022 23:38

I don't know anyone with children who has both parents working before school age. childcare costs too much for it to even be an option.

OK, so it sounds like you are living in a deprived community where everyone is on a low wage. Maybe you are also surrounded by others who are in a similarly precarious position to your own, and that you do not therefore fully appreciate the risks that you are exposing yourself to. They are significant and you have no protection at the moment. Please consider either finding a job or getting married sooner - you can do the paperwork and then have a proper celebration later.

Sugartitsorahilly · 12/02/2022 23:39

Childcare is expensive but it's a few years of pain and then you gain by having started and built a career. It comes out of the family pot and then the whole family benefits by having two parents in work. What you're saying about women not being in work til kids are older is alien to me. Horses for courses. I don't think he's necessarily done the wrong thing and I think you need to start to take more responsibility for your own financial wellbeing than sitting around going woe is me.

MichelleScarn · 12/02/2022 23:39

That's not what she said. stay at home mum or working mum. Main part is the MUM part.

Being a MUM doesn't preclude you from working, wish it did!

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 23:39

@steff13

Our situation works well for our family BUT if he died or if he left me ( I couldn't even dream of it because I'm financially dependent and have children to comsider - luckily I don't want to he is the love of my life) well if have been done for.

The fact that you would be in financial trouble if he died or left you means that your situation does NOT work well for your family.

Sorry it works well for our living family. The zombies hate it 😉
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2022 23:40

You act as though you have no agency in your own life. You've make poor choices that have put you in this shit position, now you have to make choices to get yourself out of it. One thing is for certain, this man is never, ever going to marry you. You've known this all along yet allowed yourself to get here.

steff13 · 12/02/2022 23:41

Sorry it works well for our living family. The zombies hate it.

No it works for your partner and your children are probably unaffected either way. It doesn't work for you. I wouldn't be so snarky if I was in that position.

Original poster
insuretothecore · 12/02/2022 23:41

@CayrolBaaaskin

I worked full time in a demanding job from when dd2 was 9 months. I became a single parent and still work full time. Having kids is not the reason you haven’t worked for 10 years.

I also left my pension to my kids not my ex even when we were together. I wanted them to have it.

you are right I am scum
OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 12/02/2022 23:42

I'm guessing that you were very young when you had your first dc, OP? You have put yourself into quite a vulnerable situation but it isn't too late to change it. A change of mindset is probably the first thing that you need. You can't rely on anyone else to look after you, you need to plan for yourself. Just in case.

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/02/2022 23:42

Op you have very old fashioned and imo sexist ideas. No reason women can’t and shouldn’t work. I know very few who don’t.

prsphne · 12/02/2022 23:43

But what if you die first? What have you put in place? You’re a SAHM as someone needs to look after the kids and childcare doesn’t make financial sense, so how would it make sense if you died. Is there an insurance payout that would cover childcare costs or mortgage costs if he had to stop working?

You both need to sit down and ensure there is adequate protection for the other if either one of you died. It’s not fair to say he didn’t think of you if you haven’t thought of him either. You are in the more precarious position so it matters more for you, but it does cut both ways.

Kite22 · 12/02/2022 23:44

He is working 60+ hours a week plus commute plus staying away whenever he is needed. So it's not really possible, I couldn't even manage 1 day

When our dc were little, dh and I were both working 60 hours a week. I'm not sure why you can't manage one day Confused

I don't know anyone with children who has both parents working before school age.

Odd. I don't know anyone who didn't go back to work. Even if it was PT work.

I don't understand how you can have decided to make a choice to be a SAHP without discussing everything financial. Quite frankly, I don't know why you would decide to become a parent at all without having all these discussions about how you will manage.

Why will you still be paying the mortgage if he were to die suddenly ? Did you not take out insurance when you bought the house ? ('You' being both of you, as a couple ?)

dh = dear husband
dp = dear partner
In a thread like this, yes, it does make a difference.

MichelleScarn · 12/02/2022 23:44

you are right I am scum nope that's not what @CayrolBaaaskin said. You're the one being sarky!

UnderTheSea20k · 12/02/2022 23:45

I actually have no words, how anybody could treat their entire life with so little forethought or consideration. Why do you consider yourself to be so worthless that you can live with zero potential or security, relying on somebody’s good moods for a roof over your head? He meets someone hot at work—you’d basically be homeless unemployed without a dime to your name and an old age of poverty. Yet you seem almost proud of this situation???

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/02/2022 23:45

@insuretothecore - are you suggesting I said you were “scum” as obviously I didn’t. This is mumsnet. Most mums work. It’s not impossible, and if you’re financially struggling, it’s probably a good idea.

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2022 23:45

both names on the mortgage. But still what if the mortgage isn't paid and he's gone? would I lose the house if I don't work orost likely work part time because of the children.

as previous poster said - you need life insurance on him.

Shutupandcry · 12/02/2022 23:50

Mumsnet is a great resource. I don't know anyone with children who has both parents working before school age. childcare costs too much for it to even be an option

Literally every other parent I know works in some capacity whether part time or full time surely that’s the norm now? The only SAHMs I know are v wealthy. Childcare might cost 400 x 2 a month but your wage will far outstrip that?