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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner thinks im crazy over work woman

176 replies

Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 13:59

Hi. I would reeeeeally appreciate opinions on this to see if im being cray or not.
Partner of 13 years started a new job 12 months ago and has befriended a woman there. They work nights in a very small space together text contstntly when theyre at work but not actually together. A few times my partners shift has ended but hes opted to stay a few hours later so this woman "isnt on her own" during the remaining bit of her night shift. They call each other their work besties and my partner has been searching for those little keepsake cards you keep in your purse with soppy best friend type words on and perfume for a gift for her for xmas.
7 years ago we almost split up because he was inappropriately texting another woman from work with flirty miss you so much cant wait to see u again type messages that he hid under a fake name. I forgave him for that and hes never given me cause to think anything untoward..until now. Ive told him it makes me uncomfortable and he assures me its just friends and nothing would ever or is going on and he would never do anything to risk his family again.
We have 3 children including a 5 week old.
Aibu to be very very very hurt and upset by their relationship?
Thank you

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 02/12/2021 14:01

It's certainly a very weird relationship. I don't know many men who go around buying soppy friendship cars. Mind you, I don't know many women who would, either.

Original poster
Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 14:09

Can i add aswel that hes 36 shes 21

OP posts:
whereisthekey · 02/12/2021 14:11

no hes clearly cheating. don't fall for gaslighting it's not you!

SylviasMotherSaid · 02/12/2021 14:11

It sounds like the makings of an emotional affair have you ever met this work colleague ?

Tigerwhocameforsupper · 02/12/2021 14:13

He is cheating. It may only be an emotional affair at the minute but it will develop into something else.

He clearly has strong feelings for her.

simpledeer · 02/12/2021 14:14

I would lose my shit over this - especially as he has form.

What are you going to do about it? Flowers

Original poster
Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 14:15

Never met her no. But he says theres nothing on either of their parts would want anything to happen, theyre just friends. He even bought her 2 year old daughter something for her birthday- hes never met her daughter

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/12/2021 14:15

How horrible for you that this is happening when you have a new baby. He's completely out of order and is gaslighting you into thinking you're in the wrong. You know from his past behaviour what he's capable of and here he is again doing the same.

Are you able to manage financially without him?

1FootInTheRave · 02/12/2021 14:15

Oh come on.

This is already an affair.

You're being taken for a right mug.

Original poster
Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 14:17

He thinks that im crazy and he "cant see why i would have a problem with this"

I dont know. We have 3 kids including a newborn so wth do you do 😫 he thinks its ok behaviour and its all innocent ☹

OP posts:
BornInAThunderstorm · 02/12/2021 14:17

The age difference makes it worse. Sounds like a bit of an infatuation.

He says he wont risk his family again but that is exactly what he is doing by dismissing your concerns, even if nothing is going on

Yummypumpkin · 02/12/2021 14:18

The best to be hoped for is that she has no interest in him sexually and that he is so monumentally un self aware that he doesn't realise he has a crush.

The things you know are bad enough.

There will be things you don't know.

Have you compared this to him to the previous situation? Can he see it is the same?

Yummypumpkin · 02/12/2021 14:18

Oh...and re your title...he does not think you're crazy. He is saying you are crazy. To make you feel, stupid, worthless and bad and let him continue.

FreedomFaith · 02/12/2021 14:19

Would he be OK if you were behaving like him towards another man? If he says no, you know he's not telling you everything.

GreenClock · 02/12/2021 14:20

They’re either cheating, or he’s interested in doing so and is laying the groundwork. I’m so sorry OP. I wish I could accuse you of overreacting, but I can’t.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 02/12/2021 14:20

How does he know what she wants if they haven't discussed the possibility & if they have discussed the possibility at least one of them wants it. Hoist with his own petard me thinks.

Totally & utterly inappropriate when he's with you.

HailAdrian · 02/12/2021 14:20

It's probably on his part, not hers.

Tal45 · 02/12/2021 14:20

He's being a twat. Tell him that as she's such an important friend of his you'd like to meet her. Is she single?

Serenity45 · 02/12/2021 14:21

Agree that in this context it sounds inappropriate at best and an affair at worst. What jumped out to me though is the fact that he stays at work an extra few hours so she isn't on her own...while you're no doubt on your own with 3 kids including a newborn??

Fuck that - he's taking the absolute piss out of you one way or another OP. Do you have any support in real life, family or a good friend you can talk to about this? You are not being unreasonable in the slightest

3scape · 02/12/2021 14:22

He's hidden a relationship from you before and now he's making out that the problem is you for not accepting it. It is an unusually close relationship for work, that he doesn't acknowledge that is the problem. He's a natural liar.

1FootInTheRave · 02/12/2021 14:24

He either thinks you are supremely stupid and will buy his bullshit.

Or, he doesn't actually give a shit because he'll do what he wants anyway.

Get some self respect and get rid.

Chasingaftermidnight · 02/12/2021 14:25

Gaslighting at its absolute worst

Easterndream · 02/12/2021 14:26

No way is this ok. He's at worst cheating, or trying his best to, because he's fallen for this woman or else he's really needy and insecure and so is enjoying this "friendship" because at home he's not top priority what with having 2 children plus a newborn. Whatever the reason, he's letting you down when you need him to be strong and stable. I'd be sad and disappointed

Beautiful3 · 02/12/2021 14:29

It's weird and inappropriate 😕 I would be livid if this were my husband, sorry.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/12/2021 14:30

He calls you "Crazy?"

These men need a metaphorical kick up the arse. No way would I put up with this level of disrespect.

Tell him its unprofessional and inappropriate and your relationship will 100% not last if he continues to be so silly.

See if the thought of playing Mr & Miss Romantic silly buggers at work after being chucked out, is so appealing.

You need to put your foot down as opposed to arguing back and forth. & be prepared to lose him too because if hes acting in this way he has no respect for you, or your marriage.

You have a 5 week old and instead of coming home to his family life when he's finished his shift he's pissing about at work with another woman fgs.

He doesn't even sound worth keeping