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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner thinks im crazy over work woman

176 replies

Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 13:59

Hi. I would reeeeeally appreciate opinions on this to see if im being cray or not.
Partner of 13 years started a new job 12 months ago and has befriended a woman there. They work nights in a very small space together text contstntly when theyre at work but not actually together. A few times my partners shift has ended but hes opted to stay a few hours later so this woman "isnt on her own" during the remaining bit of her night shift. They call each other their work besties and my partner has been searching for those little keepsake cards you keep in your purse with soppy best friend type words on and perfume for a gift for her for xmas.
7 years ago we almost split up because he was inappropriately texting another woman from work with flirty miss you so much cant wait to see u again type messages that he hid under a fake name. I forgave him for that and hes never given me cause to think anything untoward..until now. Ive told him it makes me uncomfortable and he assures me its just friends and nothing would ever or is going on and he would never do anything to risk his family again.
We have 3 children including a 5 week old.
Aibu to be very very very hurt and upset by their relationship?
Thank you

OP posts:
Penistoe · 02/12/2021 15:55

Staying hours past the end of his shift tells me everything. Literally no one does that unless it's extraordinary circumstances (I would to help a colleague/child but I work at a school and I can imagine a few situations!) It certainly wouldn't be an everyday occurrence just so someone isn't lonely

I find this the most shocking part. Before I was married I had a huge heartbreak crush on a guy where I used to work. Lots of flirting but come home time I was out of there faster than a racehorse with six legs. I also didn’t have family (a cat who hated me and a goldfish who I assume was ambivalent at best) to get home to.

Whydidimarryhim · 02/12/2021 15:57

Tell him to invite her round. He could have told her you have split up.
It’s inappropriate- ask him if she has a boyfriend and what he thinks about the contact.

ClawedButler · 02/12/2021 15:58

I have jokingly referred to a couple of colleagues as 'work besties' and even 'work husband', but I've never felt the need to buy soppy cards and perfume/aftershave for them. And I say that as someone who spent a LOT of time working alone with a particular male colleague, but if you're not "on the market" at all, you talk about your families and your partners and what you watched on the telly etc. Not about how much you can't wait to see them again.

sjxoxo · 02/12/2021 15:58

This is very odd… I don’t know any man that would behave this way - ‘soppy’ I mean, for want of a better word. Have you met this woman? This sort of behaviour reminds me of one of my friends (female) who has a male friend. He is not heterosexual and they have this ‘bestie’ type of relationship, very affectionate. xo

Thymeout · 02/12/2021 15:59

There's another thread that could have been written by the young woman who's the object of your Dh's attentions. A man old enough to be her father with a wife and family pestering her at work. I bet he's the one who came up with the idea of 'work besties'. Has she given him any keepsakes? Bought his children any presents?

It's pathetic. He's making such a fool of himself. The woman on the other thread is being advised to contact HR or their boss. Put your foot down. You need his help at home. If he carries on like this, he'll end up jobless and homeless.

SkySmiler · 02/12/2021 15:59

Would he do this for a 21 year old new male friend?

LittleMysSister · 02/12/2021 16:00

Sounds like he's lying to himself about why he really is so keen on propping up this relationship with her tbh OP.

3 young kids at home, a 21 year old sharing long shifts at work is probably a bit of an escape and a laugh. He's flattered and probably feeling young and carefree. But he's on dangerous ground really, he needs to step back and certainly not be buying her perfume and little cards to keep in her purse.

He needs to open his eyes, it sounds like he's sleepwalking into big trouble here.

MrsTimRiggins · 02/12/2021 16:01

Of course he can see the position he’s out you in, he just doesn’t care. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you’re kidding yourself and being far too generous towards him here. He cares more about being a cringey twat and flirting with this young woman than he cares about your feelings, and by extension, your family. This is particularly true given your history and the fact he’s incapable of being a faithful, trustworthy man.

Ourlady · 02/12/2021 16:02

Dodgy as hell. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him especially given his past history. Did you mention that he has form for this?
And staying an extra two hours after work is wrong when he has a wife and three children at home.
He's gaslighting and lying to you again. I'm sorry.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/12/2021 16:02

"Ive told him it makes me uncomfortable and he assures me its just friends and nothing would ever or is going on and he would never do anything to risk his family again."

But he is risking his family again, isn't he? You have told him his behaviour is making you uncomfortable, and he is telling you that tough, he'd rather you stayed uncomfortable than that he changed his behaviour. So he is doing something to risk his family. AGAIN.

He's 36 and infatuated with a 21 year old. He's having an emotional affair, whether he wants to admit that or not. If "nothing ... is going on" it's because she's not allowing it. If she did, he absolutely wouldSad. Maybe he's convinced himself that he's doing nothing wrong, but he's a fool to expect anyone else to be that delusional.

BornInAThunderstorm · 02/12/2021 16:02

Op he knows his behaviour is wrong, he just doesn’t give a shit. This is so common when women have babies, their partner thinks they can behave as they like because you are trapped.

Tell him to stop or fuck off, sounds like he’s not much use to you anyway spending HOURS at work unpaid to moon over someone too young to really be interested in him anyway

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/12/2021 16:04

@AryaStarkWolf

Also, you have 3 children including a new born but he chooses to stay at work, unpaid in case his co worker gets lonely meanwhile you're at home looking his children alone? Nice priorities "dad"
Very good point Arya!
MadMadMadamMim · 02/12/2021 16:10

He just can't see his behaviour is wrong

The thing is, he doesn't need to. He doesn't need to agree. Who cares if he thinks it's ok to do this to someone? YOU get to set your own boundaries as to what you are prepared to tolerate in a relationship - and what behaviour you will absolutely put your foot down over, it's a deal breaker, pack your bags, pal and fuck off - find some other woman to put up with your shit.

Based on your posts I'd draw the line at his behaviour here. If he was my partner carrying on like this - making a bloody fool of himself over a 21 year old - then I'd be telling him to pack his bags and leave. I'd be particularly incensed that I'd just given birth to his baby and he was twatting around being 'besties' with some other woman and buying sweet little cards for her instead of me.

peaceanddove · 02/12/2021 16:12

Amazing Dad's don't stay at work to flirt rather than come home to their family.
Amazing Dad's don't stay at work to flirt, leaving their wife to take care of their 2 children and their newborn.
Amazing Dads don't get infatuated with a girl young enough to be their daughter.
Amazing Dads don't gaslight, upset and disrespect the mother of their children.
Amazing Dads don't willingly risk their marriage and family on an emotional affair 7 years ago.
Amazing Dads don't willingly risk their marriage and family on yet another emotional affair.

He. Is. Infact. A. Shit. Dad.

Skeumorph · 02/12/2021 16:21

Oh god not the 'he's an amazing dad' line.

NO.

Good dads don't make the mothers of their babies feel like shit, totally disrespect them and basically ensure that their children grow up in a shitty dysfunctional environment with their main carer stressed and miserable.

That is in fact what SHIT DADS do. It is 100% an undeniable fact that if your baby had a different, and better, dad, they'd right now have a better chance of growing up in a peaceful happy home.

Being an 'amazing dad' isn't about playing with the baby and changing a couple of nappies. You're thinking of 'uncle who sees baby once a month' there.

The only amazing thing here is the absolutely low and basic bar that is set for men like this.

Not actually actively abusing the baby, even tickles them and holds them while you go to the loo sometimes? AN AMAZING DAD!!!!

Yummypumpkin · 02/12/2021 16:24

I am astounded how all cheating partners are amazing dads.

I wonder if a psychologist could explain this?

Reset your level of acceptable.

simpledeer · 02/12/2021 16:26

Bollocks is he a great dad - how low is your bar OP?

Great dads don't stay at work lusting after 21 year olds for hours past their leaving time when they have children, including a newborn, at home.

He should be ashamed of himself. His behaviour is at best embarrassing, at worst, he's a cheat.

Miller2021 · 02/12/2021 16:27

I saw your "partner thinks I'm crazy" subject line and had to say: he doesn't think you're crazy, he's telling you you're crazy, there's a difference. He knows you're right, he doesn't think you're crazy at all.

I'm sure I have this in common with many PPs here: I've been there. My ex told me I was crazy too. Three weeks after he ditched me for being "too jealous" over this "innocent friendship", they were officially together. Maybe that experience gives me a warped view of men like this, but it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

CaptSkippy · 02/12/2021 16:29

He thinks himself secure of you because of the children.
I think the saying goes:
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

It's up to you ofcourse. It's your life afterall, but it doesn't appear to me that he will stop this inpropriate behavior with female coworkers.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 02/12/2021 16:34

he said well its not like that theres nothing going on

That’s not the point!!

Just now he is having an emotional affair.
Has he bought you a nice soapy card with her fume for Christmas? Or something as romantic as that, you know as the mother of his own dcs?
Has he bought any presents for his own dcs for Christmas or just kept it all to you?

I’m going to take a wild guess there and say he has made more efforts for her and her child than he is doing for you and your TOGETHER children….

But he would like you to believe that there is nothing going on. Like what care and attention? Intimacy? Support? Ensuring her well-being?
Is he really going out of his way for you as he is doing for her?

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 02/12/2021 16:39

Leopards and spots OP.

Blue4YOU · 02/12/2021 16:40

As many people say on here - bet he’s not running around to look out for 65 year old Colin in accounts, or buying gifts for his children.
Work besties my arse.
I’d be asking exactly why he puts her before you: avoiding parenting his children, not helping you to have a rest.
And he’d be buying me the Crown Jewels for Christmas.
Did she give any of your children anything? A congratulations card on the birth of your baby even?
He’s a creep- I understand that’s not pleasant to say but he is!!!

peachesarenom · 02/12/2021 16:45

It might be that nothing is going to happen but it's still uncomfortable and upsetting especially when you have a newborn. Tell him to stop! The bit that's really annoying is the staying later so she isn't alone! Aren't you alone at home with the kids to look after!

nimbuscloud · 02/12/2021 16:46

In what way is he an amazing dad?

doadeer · 02/12/2021 16:47

That's weird. Like something teenagers would do.

I would be very freaked out. Especially given you have a new baby.

Strange behaviour