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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner thinks im crazy over work woman

176 replies

Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 13:59

Hi. I would reeeeeally appreciate opinions on this to see if im being cray or not.
Partner of 13 years started a new job 12 months ago and has befriended a woman there. They work nights in a very small space together text contstntly when theyre at work but not actually together. A few times my partners shift has ended but hes opted to stay a few hours later so this woman "isnt on her own" during the remaining bit of her night shift. They call each other their work besties and my partner has been searching for those little keepsake cards you keep in your purse with soppy best friend type words on and perfume for a gift for her for xmas.
7 years ago we almost split up because he was inappropriately texting another woman from work with flirty miss you so much cant wait to see u again type messages that he hid under a fake name. I forgave him for that and hes never given me cause to think anything untoward..until now. Ive told him it makes me uncomfortable and he assures me its just friends and nothing would ever or is going on and he would never do anything to risk his family again.
We have 3 children including a 5 week old.
Aibu to be very very very hurt and upset by their relationship?
Thank you

OP posts:
Obsidiansphere · 02/12/2021 14:31

Emotional affair at the very least…yanbu

Cam2020 · 02/12/2021 14:32

This isn't a typical friendship, it has emotional affair written all over it.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/12/2021 14:32

LTB. He's at the very least infatuated with her, probably cheating emotionally if not physically. And he's done it before.

Why would you put yourself through this again?

Cappuccinoandmybook · 02/12/2021 14:33

He sounds like a creep, does she actually want him to sit with her during her remaining shift? He may well be making her feel uncomfortable too. The perfume and little purse card things makes me think he's crushing on her.

BornInAThunderstorm · 02/12/2021 14:34

@DeeCeeCherry

He calls you "Crazy?"

These men need a metaphorical kick up the arse. No way would I put up with this level of disrespect.

Tell him its unprofessional and inappropriate and your relationship will 100% not last if he continues to be so silly.

See if the thought of playing Mr & Miss Romantic silly buggers at work after being chucked out, is so appealing.

You need to put your foot down as opposed to arguing back and forth. & be prepared to lose him too because if hes acting in this way he has no respect for you, or your marriage.

You have a 5 week old and instead of coming home to his family life when he's finished his shift he's pissing about at work with another woman fgs.

He doesn't even sound worth keeping

All of this really. Leaving you alone with a newborn while he is flirting with a 21 year old girl at work for hours is just insulting
TracyLords · 02/12/2021 14:35

I’d be super pissed off!!! Even if it was totally platonic, he’s leaving you with all the legwork for 3 kids (and one is a tiny baby).

TracyLords · 02/12/2021 14:35

And I’m su

peaceanddove · 02/12/2021 14:36

It sounds really silly, childish and a tad sordid. And the fact she's young enough to be his daughter FFS! No thanks. I just wouldn't be able to respect him ever again. I'd be kicking him to the kerb in the hope I could meet a real, grown up man.

Meowenstein · 02/12/2021 14:36

Would he be ok with you buying a 21-year old man a keepsake card and perfume? Would he not find that creepy?

TracyLords · 02/12/2021 14:37

And I’m usually relaxed about male/ female friendships: my friends at work tend to be male, and DH meets up with female friends for coffee sometimes (admittedly his work friends are women aged between 40 and 70, and he does take out son with him)

WhenSepEnds · 02/12/2021 14:38

@Horseytwinkletoes2

Hi. I would reeeeeally appreciate opinions on this to see if im being cray or not. Partner of 13 years started a new job 12 months ago and has befriended a woman there. They work nights in a very small space together text contstntly when theyre at work but not actually together. A few times my partners shift has ended but hes opted to stay a few hours later so this woman "isnt on her own" during the remaining bit of her night shift. They call each other their work besties and my partner has been searching for those little keepsake cards you keep in your purse with soppy best friend type words on and perfume for a gift for her for xmas. 7 years ago we almost split up because he was inappropriately texting another woman from work with flirty miss you so much cant wait to see u again type messages that he hid under a fake name. I forgave him for that and hes never given me cause to think anything untoward..until now. Ive told him it makes me uncomfortable and he assures me its just friends and nothing would ever or is going on and he would never do anything to risk his family again. We have 3 children including a 5 week old. Aibu to be very very very hurt and upset by their relationship? Thank you
Staying hours behind at work for any reason when he has 3 kids including a newborn at home .... I think you have your answer. You can do better than him. He clearly has no respect for you. Please know your worth - it's certainly more than this
ZenNudist · 02/12/2021 14:38

Kick him out. If he isn't already shagging her he is laying the groundwork. There's no love or trust. I'm sorry.

Meowenstein · 02/12/2021 14:38

And he’d rather stay at work for hours so that she won’t be alone, meaning instead he leaves you alone with 3 children.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/12/2021 14:41

@Horseytwinkletoes2

He thinks that im crazy and he "cant see why i would have a problem with this"

I dont know. We have 3 kids including a newborn so wth do you do 😫 he thinks its ok behaviour and its all innocent ☹

I'd invent a very close (nothing happening with him) male friend... And continually look into space and wonder loudly how hrs getting on and how you can't wait to see him again...

See how he likes it..

Massively disrespectful massively crap.

girlmom21 · 02/12/2021 14:44

Aside from the 'friendship' he chooses to leave you at home on your own with a newborn baby so she's not on her own.

Why is she the priority?

peaceanddove · 02/12/2021 14:44

@DeeCeeCherry

He calls you "Crazy?"

These men need a metaphorical kick up the arse. No way would I put up with this level of disrespect.

Tell him its unprofessional and inappropriate and your relationship will 100% not last if he continues to be so silly.

See if the thought of playing Mr & Miss Romantic silly buggers at work after being chucked out, is so appealing.

You need to put your foot down as opposed to arguing back and forth. & be prepared to lose him too because if hes acting in this way he has no respect for you, or your marriage.

You have a 5 week old and instead of coming home to his family life when he's finished his shift he's pissing about at work with another woman fgs.

He doesn't even sound worth keeping

This is so true.

When I was in my teens my father had an affair with his secretary who was 19 years younger than him. So clichéd. Apparently, he found it all really exciting and romantic, just their rosy tinted secret. All very Romeo & Juliet. But then when friends and family found out it suddenly became pathetic and sordid. He totally lost the respect of so many people, including his wife and children. That respect was never regained and it really ate away at him fo the rest of his life.

At the time of his affair him and my Mum were only in their early 40s. She took him back, but later confided that she bitterly regretted it - she realised how (relatively) young she still was, and that she could have lived a whole, other lifetime. Happy.

Being married to someone you have no respect for is just a slow death of a thousand tiny cuts.

PermanentTemporary · 02/12/2021 14:45

7 years ago... did you have a newborn then as well by any chance?

I would just tell him to cut out the embarrassing mooning over a woman half his age and get on with spending time with his kids. But that i guess makes me a horrible wife.

readwhatiactuallysay · 02/12/2021 14:46

I think he may have a crush on her by the sounds of it, at the very least.

I would be fine with him not wanting her left on shift alone at night, if it was then being dealt with as a staffing issue in work, as in they need to pay someone to do that if another member of staff is required.

I would be fine with him texting her as friends/work colleagues. I had a male work collegue who was then a friend.
Even buying a present for the child and perfume for her wouldn't really bother me.

I would think it strange that he wants her to carry around something from him, that is strange IMO

When you put all the above togethet though,i think its a bit of infatuation

Im so sorry you are dealing with this just 5 weeks after a baby.

LTB, on its own, is not helpful advice with 2 children and a 5 week old baby.
You really need to get to the crux of what is happening, he needs to man up and be honest.

If it were me, i would rock up on his night shift and have a very open discussion, with the both of them.

You may well find out she absolutely does not appreciate these advances and hes being a sleeze or he very well may be telling truth, but its a shame it would come to that but you need to know the truth and if you dont believe what hes saying, go to the source.

FoxgloveSummers · 02/12/2021 14:50

I work with a really good mate and she has a 2 year old daughter - I never even got her a present just a card! How many other people does he buy presents for our of interest? Got your 3's Christmas presents sewn up has he? And something for his boss's kids?

AuntMargo · 02/12/2021 14:53

Trust your instincts ! He has a crush on her, or even more and this is all going to end in tears, and so but they are going to be yours. Tell him it stops now and mean it !

Hanab · 02/12/2021 14:54

You sit him down and tell him listen to me, comprehend what I am saying .. this friendship IS more than you are acknowledging. You know my stance on this this. What YOU choose to do from this day on will impact on my decision I make about our marriage.
Leave the ball in his court ..

Get those ducks in a row for now..

TopCatsTopHat · 02/12/2021 14:54

Innocent in his head that's ott for any work relationship and for him to do this with another woman when you've just had a baby and he's got form for boundary crossing in the past. It just doesn't stack up.

Meowenstein · 02/12/2021 14:55

Will the 21-year old do the same and buy your children birthday presents?

AuntMargo · 02/12/2021 14:55

Isn't telling you your crazy. gaslighting, trying to divert his inappropriate behaviour to your you. Please dont let him do this to you !

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 02/12/2021 14:56

@Horseytwinkletoes2

He thinks that im crazy and he "cant see why i would have a problem with this"

I dont know. We have 3 kids including a newborn so wth do you do 😫 he thinks its ok behaviour and its all innocent ☹

You have a newborn. He's got responsibilities at home, not hours to waste at work when he's not being paid to be there just so he can hang with his best friend.
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