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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner thinks im crazy over work woman

176 replies

Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 13:59

Hi. I would reeeeeally appreciate opinions on this to see if im being cray or not.
Partner of 13 years started a new job 12 months ago and has befriended a woman there. They work nights in a very small space together text contstntly when theyre at work but not actually together. A few times my partners shift has ended but hes opted to stay a few hours later so this woman "isnt on her own" during the remaining bit of her night shift. They call each other their work besties and my partner has been searching for those little keepsake cards you keep in your purse with soppy best friend type words on and perfume for a gift for her for xmas.
7 years ago we almost split up because he was inappropriately texting another woman from work with flirty miss you so much cant wait to see u again type messages that he hid under a fake name. I forgave him for that and hes never given me cause to think anything untoward..until now. Ive told him it makes me uncomfortable and he assures me its just friends and nothing would ever or is going on and he would never do anything to risk his family again.
We have 3 children including a 5 week old.
Aibu to be very very very hurt and upset by their relationship?
Thank you

OP posts:
ClaudiaJ1 · 03/12/2021 07:56

The thing that worries me is that your spouse is supposed to not just be your life partner and spouse, they are also supposed to be your best friend. You are supposed to be your partner's best friend! That is how it works!

The fact he calls another woman his 'best friend' is deeply, deeply concerning.

Why isn't he buying those bestie trinkets for you????

scooterbear · 03/12/2021 08:11

Mate, I think you know what's going on here... gently, please allow yourself to acknowledge it, and take some action. He's taking the absolute piss out of you and your kids here...

HW1989 · 03/12/2021 08:27

@Serenity45

Agree that in this context it sounds inappropriate at best and an affair at worst. What jumped out to me though is the fact that he stays at work an extra few hours so she isn't on her own...while you're no doubt on your own with 3 kids including a newborn??

Fuck that - he's taking the absolute piss out of you one way or another OP. Do you have any support in real life, family or a good friend you can talk to about this? You are not being unreasonable in the slightest

Exactly this. My partner works a lot and I treasure the time we actually get together. If I knew he was staying behind after he had finished work, choosing to stay at work with another girl instead of home with his wife and family I would be absolutely furious! This sounds very inappropriate and I think you’re very right to question this and put a stop to it.
Gargellen · 03/12/2021 08:40

The actual nature of their relationship is either here nor there and he is never going to admit it if he is shagging her. He doesn't care that it is upsetting you and he is dismissive of your fears. He is putting his relationship with this OW before his marriage.

That is pretty much all you need to know really OP.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 03/12/2021 09:10

@timeisnotaline

Agree that in this context it sounds inappropriate at best and an affair at worst. What jumped out to me though is the fact that he stays at work an extra few hours so she isn't on her own...while you're no doubt on your own with 3 kids including a newborn?? This, it’s quite enough for me all on its own. If he respected that he had done this before he would be trying harder to avoid any appearance of it, not actively neglecting you and your month old baby to hang out with her. You’re not crazy.
This, 100%. It would be different if he HAD to stay on at work occasionally to meet a deadline, but the fact that he's doing this voluntarily, regularly, and presumably unpaid, is deeply suspicious. This doesn't sound like the behaviour of a loving husband and father.

He doesn't think you're crazy, OP - he's TELLING you you're crazy. This is not the same thing at all. You are not crazy. He's taking advantage of your current post-natal vulnerability to try to shift the blame on to you.

Gargellen · 03/12/2021 09:28

Why do men become abusive when their wife or partner whom they profess to love, is at her most vulnerable?

In general the worse a situation gets, the more women become helpful and supportive. With some men it seems to be the opposite.

Austen33 · 03/12/2021 13:40

Nothing wrong with an emotional affair. Most of us have them with out mothers and best friends.

Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2021 13:50

@Austen33

Nothing wrong with an emotional affair. Most of us have them with out mothers and best friends.
What the blinking flip are you on about?
PrincessNutella · 03/12/2021 14:13

"he thinks I'm crazy" --hahahahahaha

PrincessNutella · 03/12/2021 14:14

What a jerk.

cheeseislife8 · 03/12/2021 14:23

Nah, this isn't OK. You're looking after 3 DC incl a newborn while he hangs around at work unpaid so she's not on her own? Fuck that

ErickBroch · 03/12/2021 14:27

He is either actively having an affair, or he is desperately trying to and this 21 year old girl is probably freaked out by her creepy older colleague.

girlmom21 · 03/12/2021 14:45

@Austen33

Nothing wrong with an emotional affair. Most of us have them with out mothers and best friends.
Are you ok? You're a man who's never cut the apron strings, aren't you?
TopCatsTopHat · 03/12/2021 14:54

@Austen33

Nothing wrong with an emotional affair. Most of us have them with out mothers and best friends.
Those relationships aren't romantically based, you're comparing apples and pears.
ProfessionalWeirdo · 03/12/2021 16:06

@Austen33

Nothing wrong with an emotional affair. Most of us have them with out mothers and best friends.
WTF? PLEASE tell me this is a joke.
EnigmaCat · 03/12/2021 16:18

Austen33

Nothing wrong with an emotional affair. Most of us have them with out mothers and best friends.

Amazing as it may seem to you, emotional affairs actually do hurt a partner's feelings. It is just another form of infidelity.

GetTheFlockOutOfHere · 03/12/2021 17:00

@Austen33

Nothing wrong with an emotional affair. Most of us have them with out mothers and best friends.
WUM.
Frankola · 03/12/2021 19:50

Totally inappropriate behaviour and the worst bit is that this has happened before and he's just totally disrespected you by doing it again.

Clearly hasn't learned his lesson or reckons he can just get away with it again. Total twat

tarasmalatarocks · 03/12/2021 20:53

I can’t gelp but comment that a lot of really pleasant sounding girls who get involved with bloody losers always feel the need to say he’s an amazing dad— nope they aren’t, these ladies just have low standards of what ‘amazing’ actually means— a social worker friend mentioned this to me too— the bar seems to be set at doesn’t hit me, smiles at baby and plays for 15 minutes now and then , works and does change the odd nappy.

5128gap · 03/12/2021 21:15

They're either having an affair, or he's being an inappropriate sleaze to a much younger colleague who may consider him a 'safe' friend because he's an older married man. Either way, it doesn't look good.

tallduckandhandsome · 03/12/2021 21:22

He’s an amazing dad

He isn’t an amazing dad. Amazing dads don’t flirt with other women and stay behind hours after their shift with a woman whilst leaving the mother of his children alone with 3 kids, one a 5w old.

Austen33 · 06/12/2021 11:39

Ah the criticism, but there was an argument lurking amongst the abuse. You say that close friendships with mothers and best friends are different because they aren't romantically based.

But what do you mean by romance apart from sex? And as we all know, sex if far wider than intercourse - kissing and cuddling are definitely sex on Mumsnet.

It is the sex that makes an affair abhorrent, not the friendship or the emotional closeness.

Those who object to emotional affairs, tend to dislike their partners having other good friends, rather like the poster who thought I was a mummy's boy who hadn't cut the apron strings.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2021 11:50

@Austen33

Ah the criticism, but there was an argument lurking amongst the abuse. You say that close friendships with mothers and best friends are different because they aren't romantically based.

But what do you mean by romance apart from sex? And as we all know, sex if far wider than intercourse - kissing and cuddling are definitely sex on Mumsnet.

It is the sex that makes an affair abhorrent, not the friendship or the emotional closeness.

Those who object to emotional affairs, tend to dislike their partners having other good friends, rather like the poster who thought I was a mummy's boy who hadn't cut the apron strings.

Seriously,? You don't know the difference between romance and sex?

And you think that someone who's married or in a long term partnership is ok spending more time with a 'friend' than their family?

EnigmaCat · 06/12/2021 18:09

Austen33
I think you are confusing friend relationships with romantic attachments.
It looks very much like he is indulging in this to avoid his wife and children and for the thrill of a new partner. Normal work colleagues don't behave like this even if they were friends.

leatherboundbooks · 06/12/2021 20:52

@Austen33

Ah the criticism, but there was an argument lurking amongst the abuse. You say that close friendships with mothers and best friends are different because they aren't romantically based.

But what do you mean by romance apart from sex? And as we all know, sex if far wider than intercourse - kissing and cuddling are definitely sex on Mumsnet.

It is the sex that makes an affair abhorrent, not the friendship or the emotional closeness.

Those who object to emotional affairs, tend to dislike their partners having other good friends, rather like the poster who thought I was a mummy's boy who hadn't cut the apron strings.

Writing as someone whose now ex had several emotional affairs, I'd say that emotional affairs remain emotional while the object of desire keeps the other at arm's length. I never objected to my ex having good friends, but the obsession with various other women made things difficult.
Afterwards when one of the women reciprocated and he went off with her one of the women told me that he had tried it on with her and she had made it clear that she wasn't interested. He himself had told me that after he floated the idea of having the snip he was actually pleased when I said well I'm nearly menopausal so probably not worth it. He said that it kept the possibility of having more children with her. He was heartbroken when another one met someone and went off with him I should have kicked him out years earlier