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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner thinks im crazy over work woman

176 replies

Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 13:59

Hi. I would reeeeeally appreciate opinions on this to see if im being cray or not.
Partner of 13 years started a new job 12 months ago and has befriended a woman there. They work nights in a very small space together text contstntly when theyre at work but not actually together. A few times my partners shift has ended but hes opted to stay a few hours later so this woman "isnt on her own" during the remaining bit of her night shift. They call each other their work besties and my partner has been searching for those little keepsake cards you keep in your purse with soppy best friend type words on and perfume for a gift for her for xmas.
7 years ago we almost split up because he was inappropriately texting another woman from work with flirty miss you so much cant wait to see u again type messages that he hid under a fake name. I forgave him for that and hes never given me cause to think anything untoward..until now. Ive told him it makes me uncomfortable and he assures me its just friends and nothing would ever or is going on and he would never do anything to risk his family again.
We have 3 children including a 5 week old.
Aibu to be very very very hurt and upset by their relationship?
Thank you

OP posts:
wavingwhilstdrowning · 02/12/2021 14:57

He's gaslighting you. Calling you crazy when in fact, everyone agrees that his behaviour is crazy.... I'd tell him it stops now or you're off!

blusteredbirds · 02/12/2021 14:58

I'm normally of the ' Jeez, its ok for men and women to be friends, what's your problem?' ilk, but this is definitely out of order. No-one stays at work a few extra hours unless they madly fancy someone/ are using that time to shag.
And perfume is the kind of gift that men give to romantic/ intimate partners.

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2021 15:02

@Horseytwinkletoes2

He thinks that im crazy and he "cant see why i would have a problem with this"

I dont know. We have 3 kids including a newborn so wth do you do 😫 he thinks its ok behaviour and its all innocent ☹

No he doesn’t, he knows it’s wrong but he’s getting away with it (again) so he doesn’t care.
viques · 02/12/2021 15:10

If he is worried about her being on her own during her shift the best thing he could do would be to check the company has a sole worker policy and is adhering to it. Of course it’s nice to have a work friend, but he probably wouldn’t behave in this way towards a male colleague so needs to be shown that it is inappropriate.

Pascal80 · 02/12/2021 15:13

"They call each other their work besties and my partner has been searching for those little keepsake cards you keep in your purse with soppy best friend type words on and perfume for a gift for her for xmas."

How utterly sickmaking - what grown man behaves like that? Like some stupid teenage girl - it's revolting and ICK ICK ICK.

MyFamiIyAndOtherAnimals · 02/12/2021 15:14

OPEN
YOUR
EYES

Skeumorph · 02/12/2021 15:14

He's absolutely not worth keeping.

Make plans!

DrManhattan · 02/12/2021 15:14

You are not crazy. You would be better on your own. Get rid. He will do it again. Plus it's really cringe. I bet the poor girl doesn't know what to do.

DrManhattan · 02/12/2021 15:16

And he's worried she's alone at work and you are struggling at home with kids and a new born. His priorities are totally wrong.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 02/12/2021 15:26

So he stays extra hours at work so she's not on her own, but will happily leave his wife and 3 kids including a newborn at home alone Hmm

He's already almost destroyed the relationship with a similar situation a few years ago, you'd think he'd have enough sense not to do it again.

Buying her soppy keep sakes and perfume

Errrr I think he's the crazy one!

Show him this thread

FatCatThinCat · 02/12/2021 15:28

He's prioritising her over his family. He's already betraying you all with that alone.

Meowenstein · 02/12/2021 15:30

Have you got one of those tacky keepsake things from him yourself?

ShinyHappyPoster · 02/12/2021 15:32

You have a 5 week old baby and he's opting to stay in work after hours Hmm Is he engaged with the baby at all? Because yy he might be having an affair but he's also opting out of, and avoiding family life.
Ignore his 'crazy' comments and put down some boundaries. He comes home when his shift ends or he looks for a new job or he moves out. You don't need the added stress of his nonsense whilst coping with a newborn.

Branleuse · 02/12/2021 15:36

@Horseytwinkletoes2

He thinks that im crazy and he "cant see why i would have a problem with this"

I dont know. We have 3 kids including a newborn so wth do you do 😫 he thinks its ok behaviour and its all innocent ☹

Thats what hes saying, but youre not crazy.
nitsandwormsdodger · 02/12/2021 15:36

Yes ask where the gift for your new baby is ?

Personally I’d Invite her over for dinner if she is his bestie she should surely want to get to know you ?
His behaviour is so bizarre and as this is not the first time I think you may end up Leaving him

nitsandwormsdodger · 02/12/2021 15:40

He is more worried about her alone at work rather than you alone with 3 kids ???
What is weird is he isn’t being secretive about any of this - he’s acting like it’s all normal

Crinkle77 · 02/12/2021 15:40

Hmm I was going to say yabu until I saw the thing about the keepsake card and perfume. If he wanted to buy a female colleague a present for Christmas if it was innocent you'd probably buy a bottle of plonk not perfume.

Rainbowsew · 02/12/2021 15:43

Emotional affair definitely!!

Is he being paid to stay late? Even if he is it doesn't justify leaving you to do all the work at home. If it is a H&S thing about her being alone, the the workplace should address it. He shouldn't be leaving you alone to deal with every thing. I'm afraid the trust would be gone for me given his history Sad

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2021 15:44

@MyFamiIyAndOtherAnimals

OPEN YOUR EYES
Yup. He's playing you for a fool.
Original poster
Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 15:44

Thank you so so much for your replies! I really thought i was being one if those over the top get away from my man women! Ive actually shown him a few replies to say its not just me and he said well its not like that theres nothing going on. He just can't see his behaviour is wrong?
Hes an amazing dad just cant see the position hes put me in. Ive gone bat shit mental a few times but me going off the handle just fuels him thinking im just going off on one

OP posts:
BlackSwan · 02/12/2021 15:44

He's doing a job at 36 which a 21 year old can do.

He sounds like a loser anyway, but also - he's not really going places!

AryaStarkWolf · 02/12/2021 15:46

So inappropriate and he's straight up lying to you saying he thinks it isn't. I'd bet my life he wouldn't be ok with you acting the same way with a guy you worked with. It's so disrespectful

cakewench · 02/12/2021 15:46

Staying hours past the end of his shift tells me everything. Literally no one does that unless it's extraordinary circumstances (I would to help a colleague/child but I work at a school and I can imagine a few situations!) It certainly wouldn't be an everyday occurrence just so someone isn't lonely.

On top of buying them perfume etc etc AND he's done this before, come on. Pull the other one, as my grandmother would say.

BobbieT1999 · 02/12/2021 15:49

Even if his friendship with this woman is innocent he ought to be putting you first so YADNBU!

AryaStarkWolf · 02/12/2021 15:51

Also, you have 3 children including a new born but he chooses to stay at work, unpaid in case his co worker gets lonely meanwhile you're at home looking his children alone? Nice priorities "dad"