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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner thinks im crazy over work woman

176 replies

Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 13:59

Hi. I would reeeeeally appreciate opinions on this to see if im being cray or not.
Partner of 13 years started a new job 12 months ago and has befriended a woman there. They work nights in a very small space together text contstntly when theyre at work but not actually together. A few times my partners shift has ended but hes opted to stay a few hours later so this woman "isnt on her own" during the remaining bit of her night shift. They call each other their work besties and my partner has been searching for those little keepsake cards you keep in your purse with soppy best friend type words on and perfume for a gift for her for xmas.
7 years ago we almost split up because he was inappropriately texting another woman from work with flirty miss you so much cant wait to see u again type messages that he hid under a fake name. I forgave him for that and hes never given me cause to think anything untoward..until now. Ive told him it makes me uncomfortable and he assures me its just friends and nothing would ever or is going on and he would never do anything to risk his family again.
We have 3 children including a 5 week old.
Aibu to be very very very hurt and upset by their relationship?
Thank you

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 02/12/2021 16:47

Hopefully you have fully shared finances and are on the deeds/tenancy of your house

Tilltheend99 · 02/12/2021 16:49

@Horseytwinkletoes2

Can i add aswel that hes 36 shes 21
Maybe he thinks he is impressing her. With that age gap I doubt she is as into him as a ‘bestie’ as he thinks and she is just being polite. (Unless your DH is a dream boat or something) If anything she is probably a bit creeped out that he insists on staying to the end of her shifts. It sounds creepy and if it’s not creepy then sounds like an affair. Either way you have a DH problem sorry Flowers
Summerdayshaze · 02/12/2021 16:51

He’s disgusting.

LucentBlade · 02/12/2021 16:52

Blue4YOU poor old Colin from accounts :)

This is actually true though and that work bestie that women are accused of being mad over is always a much younger woman and the men are all getting to around 40.

He is such a walking talking cliche. As you have shown him this thread, make a new username and post for advice on what to actually do now that you have had people telling you he is a gaslighting bastard and you know you are not crazy.

Starcup · 02/12/2021 16:53

This has to be a wind up?

IsThePopeCatholic · 02/12/2021 16:58

@Meowenstein

And he’d rather stay at work for hours so that she won’t be alone, meaning instead he leaves you alone with 3 children.
He really is taking the piss. Tell him to stop being such a selfish idiot - or throw him out.
fabricfanatic · 02/12/2021 17:00

I wouldn't put up with that. I wouldn't particularly care that he thinks you're overreacting and that it's harmless. If your serious partner (that you have kids with!!) is upset, a caring and respectful person accepts that and backs off from the friendship a bit. Your happiness should be his priority, not his bizarre "BFF" obsession.

It does sound quite over the top, especially as he's done this before. It's an obvious weakness he has, and instead of gaslighting you, he needs to acknowledge that you have multiple reasons for finding this an uncomfortably close "friendship".

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/12/2021 17:03

Does he get carefully selected presents and give 'friendship cards' to all his friends, or other best friends? Is he generally soppy leaving you love notes everywhere etc?

If so I'd say you have nothing to worry about.

If not and it's literally just this one lady who he has known for a relatively short space of time, then that's completely over the top and he is singling her out for special attention. That's a fact.

It's also shit that you have a 5 week old, he is behaving in a way that is upsetting you, and when you try and talk to him about it he is effectively just calling you names. A decent person would reflect and even if there was nothing in their behaviour, it should be a minor part of his life so he should be fine without it

cookiemonster2468 · 02/12/2021 17:11

I wouldn't be OK with this.

It's also that he's making you feel helpless, you mention you have three kids and wth do you do, so you obviously feel uncomfortable with it but feel trapped by your situation. That is a horrible position for him to put you in.

At the end of the day, whatever relationship/ family situation you're in, you always need to be ready to put your own needs first and leave if you have to. You need to have that amount of self respect and make sure you are able to stand on your own, because even with the best partner in the world you never know when you'll need to.

Serendipity79 · 02/12/2021 17:12

Please dont be fooled into thinking that simply because you forgave once it wont happen again. I forgave my ex having an EA behind my back. I forgave him mainly because I found out two years after it happened and we had a newborn at the time. I didn't want to split my family up. But then he later became abusive and then he did it again - I wasn't prepared to forgive a second time. I got the same treatment you did - claims of me being crazy, there's nothing wrong with having very close female friends, nothing wrong with taking them out when actually they're needed at home to help with the kids etc.... he even said I pushed him to it because I didnt trust him.....

Irrespective of how far its gone (and tbh it sounds a long way down the road into an EA at the minimum) he's been forgiven for similar behaviour in the past and you've told him it upsets you and you aren't comfortable with it. Rather than saying Ok I'll stop it and i wont stay late at work any more, he's instead telling you that you're crazy and no one else would have an issue with it.

So he's minimising your feelings and he's putting her above you and your children. He's mocking you for how you feel, and he's telling you he doesnt intend to change Its not easy to LTB - but what trust is there left here?

Meowenstein · 02/12/2021 17:22

I have a 21-year old daughter. Both my husband and I would be livid if a 36-year old man behaved like this to her at work. Fucking creep.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 02/12/2021 17:28

Tell him to get to fuck.
You've already been through this with him once before, and here he is, buying cute cards, texting constantly, and picked out perfume for her for christmas. Really?!?!

If he's not cheating yet, he's trying to.

Phobiaphobic · 02/12/2021 17:37

Stop showing him these responses. He doesn't care. He's infatuated, and he has no intention of stopping unless absolutely forced to.

And yeah, he's a shit father, as well as a shit partner.

KikoLemons · 02/12/2021 17:56

OK - my view. The crush is upsetting especially as you are feeling vulnerable. But if you leave you'll have three kids on your own and a stressful relationship with him for the next twenty years. You could talk about this like adults. Explain how you feel and why. Ask him to tone it down and step up a bit to help. You might be able to sort it out. I hope so.
Then move on and grow stronger. That's my advice based on experience. But in the end it's for the two of you to sort out between you. Good luck OP
If it doesn't work you've given it a shot.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 02/12/2021 17:57

Would he be OK if you were behaving like him towards another man?

OP, have you tried asking him this?

Original poster
Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 18:05

:57ProfessionalWeirdo

Would he be OK if you were behaving like him towards another man?

OP, have you tried asking him this?

He said theres nothing going on so its doesnt matter

OP posts:
EnigmaCat · 02/12/2021 18:07

Yeah right, I had this situation many years ago with a partner and their boss. They tried to fool me about staying over at a friend's so they could go on nights out.
I let it run until I was sure, then left suddenly.
She married him 3 months later...

Valeriekat · 02/12/2021 18:15

He is a liar.

Hoolahupsaresquare · 02/12/2021 18:17

I think friendships between men and women are possible.

However - in your case ask yourself - does he treat her differently to his male friends or colleagues ?

If yes then it’s a problem.

Hoolahupsaresquare · 02/12/2021 18:20

To be honest to add to my comment - if he’s staying with her on shift and not coming home to you and your children regardless that’s not on.

That would need to stop pronto.

Santaischeckinglists · 02/12/2021 18:33

Did he know her nearly 3 years ago?

Frazzledmummy123 · 02/12/2021 18:35

Major warning bells started ringing when I wasn't even half way through reading your post. The buying her perfume and keepsake cards are highly inappropriate and not something someone with a partner should do, even if there is no affair going on, he may as well be asking his friend out with that behaviour. When he is waiting behind with her at work, does he think about you being left alone at home looking after his 3 kids, including a young baby? Do your feelings not matter?

The fact he is being so open about it all, and admitting he is staying late to keep her company, and telling you he is going to buy her perfume, etc, would suggest it isn't a physical affair, however it is inappropriate and unacceptable how he is behaving so it is an emotional affair at best. If a guy was being so attentive to me; buying me things, and staying late with me I'd be thinking he was interested so she is either enjoying the attention, or might be feeling the same, as no way will she not be noticing the seemingly special attention she is getting from him.

Sorry op, but I don't like the sound of this at all, and don't let him tell you that you are overreacting. If anything, I'd say you are underreacting as I'd have lost it at him by now.

sjxoxo · 02/12/2021 18:55

Also beyond all of the issues and inappropriate behaviour already mentioned here, i would be concerned about the age gap. She is only 21- now I know that’s not a problem outside of work but if he’s harassing her thats something else on top and it could easily be viewed as that. Seems the stupid inappropriate behaviour is mutual but if there’s any chance it’s not or she makes a complaint he is in very hot water professionally. Not even entering into who is in the more senior post etc. This is just so odd as to why he thinks this is justifiable. Sending you a hug op Xox

ProfessionalWeirdo · 02/12/2021 18:58

@Horseytwinkletoes2

:57ProfessionalWeirdo

Would he be OK if you were behaving like him towards another man?

OP, have you tried asking him this?

He said theres nothing going on so its doesnt matter

Hmm. Unless I'm missing something here, if those were his exact words, he hasn't actually answered the question.
MsDogLady · 02/12/2021 19:21

He said theres nothing going on so it doesnt matter

He’s lying, OP. He has already proven himself to be a sneaky cheater and he’s up to it again.

For the entirety of your pregnancy until now, your ‘Partner’ has had an ongoing obsession with this young woman, who was 20 when it began. The massive amount of emotional energy, time and attention he is investing in her debunks his claim of innocence.

What sort of recovery structure did you agree to 7 years ago when he was cheating and hiding his Affair Partner under another name? Did he swear to never again seek illicit validation? Did you warn him that crossing your boundaries again would result in the end of your relationship? Well, he is doing it again, with bells on. He is counting on your not following through.

Will you?

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