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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner thinks im crazy over work woman

176 replies

Horseytwinkletoes2 · 02/12/2021 13:59

Hi. I would reeeeeally appreciate opinions on this to see if im being cray or not.
Partner of 13 years started a new job 12 months ago and has befriended a woman there. They work nights in a very small space together text contstntly when theyre at work but not actually together. A few times my partners shift has ended but hes opted to stay a few hours later so this woman "isnt on her own" during the remaining bit of her night shift. They call each other their work besties and my partner has been searching for those little keepsake cards you keep in your purse with soppy best friend type words on and perfume for a gift for her for xmas.
7 years ago we almost split up because he was inappropriately texting another woman from work with flirty miss you so much cant wait to see u again type messages that he hid under a fake name. I forgave him for that and hes never given me cause to think anything untoward..until now. Ive told him it makes me uncomfortable and he assures me its just friends and nothing would ever or is going on and he would never do anything to risk his family again.
We have 3 children including a 5 week old.
Aibu to be very very very hurt and upset by their relationship?
Thank you

OP posts:
EmpressSuiko · 02/12/2021 19:30

If I was in your position he would be given an ultimatum! There is no way you should be putting up with any of this, it doesn’t matter if he thinks it’s all innocent, it’s affecting your relationship and he is putting her above his family

Mrstamborineman · 02/12/2021 19:33

I would loose my shit and giggles over this. Come on! He’s cheating in plain sight, emotionally at the least. I’d be tempted to tell him to invite her over for a meal. See together and judge for yourself.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/12/2021 19:40

Ime "There's nothing going on" means "I havent put my penis inside her.....yet"

He is justifying what is very clearly an emotional affair by calling it friendship because he hasnt got physical with her. Or if he has it wasnt full PIV sex. My ex tried this, said it wasnt cheating because they never had full sex. Yeah alright mate....

As to whether it is physical, we cant possibly know but I am sure from what you have said, that he wants it to be.

Dobermansdinner · 02/12/2021 19:52

F*ck that!! I would be chewing his sleazy cheesy head off about this !! He may not be physically cheating, but he’s definitely mentally cheating

leatherboundbooks · 02/12/2021 20:30

It might be 'only' an emotional affair atm but I bet you anything if she let him go further, he'd be rubbing his hands with glee and would turn it into a physical one. That will be what he is hoping I'm sure of that. I'll bet that she's not the first one since the last one, he'll have tried it on with others and if this current one puts a stop to his antics there will be more. I discovered this myself, but he only admitted to the ones he thought I'd find out about

Wrenna · 02/12/2021 21:19

Doesn’t sound good I’m afraid.

Dandelionsss · 02/12/2021 22:09

Asking him how he would feel if the OP were behaving like this with another bloke isn't going to make him suddenly stop and reflect, and think oh actually what I'm doing is wrong and harmful, I need to stop being a dick and go home.
To him, his wife is at home, trapped, with a baby and children and no time to meet other men. He doesn't have to consider it because he doesn't think it's a possibility.

GetTheFlockOutOfHere · 02/12/2021 22:20

No WAY. You deserve better. Sorry you are going through this. Flowers

steff13 · 02/12/2021 22:30

The thing is, even if we give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that it's innocent, it still looks inappropriate. He knows it's making you uncomfortable and he's seen our responses in here that it looks bad. If he cares about you, wouldn't he want to step back from this friendship?

MsJinks · 02/12/2021 22:37

He’s just doing it differently this time - no fake names, as much honesty as is possible- rationalising to himself that he’s not a sneaky cheat like last time, he’s open and honest now.
You know it’s not just a work friendship, so does he and so does she. No one can tell how far it’s gone, if it would go further or not, but it’s gone too far already, and he knows that, however much he rationalises it, or lies about it, being a work friendship. It’s seriously disrespectful to you at a time you need him. It’s impacting on your relationship and your family.
Though he refuses to acknowledge the actuality of this ‘friendship’ and its impact on your family just don’t end up believing him. That’s the worst of these things really the feeling it’s you being crazy. Hold on to the facts, and to the absolute knowledge this isn’t average work friends behaviour ever, but it is an attachment he shouldn’t be in, and it should stop.
Hope things improve for you OP.

Thwackit · 02/12/2021 22:45

To be frank, him claiming there is nothing going on is meaningless when he’s crossed the line before. His behaviour is totally inappropriate for a man with a long-term partner and baby. Do not tolerate this bullshit from him where he paints you out as unreasonable. He clearly fancies her as nobody would hang around unpaid in the evenings with a colleague of the opposite sex while their partner waits at home.

Ileflottante · 02/12/2021 22:48

To me, he’s already having an affair. Because even if he’s not fucking her, he would leap at the chance to, should it arise. He’s already auditioning for roel of step dad with the presents for her daughter. He’s behaved appallingly in the past and he’s doing it again, with a five week old baby at home.

Geppili · 02/12/2021 22:54

He is a cheating knob jockey.

Mumoblue · 02/12/2021 22:58

He’s having an emotional affair at the very least.

MyDogLovesBiscuits · 02/12/2021 22:59

Well he's a liar IMO.

Even if there weren't anything to it, that wouldn't matter.

What does matter is that the closeness of their relationship is making you uncomfortable.

Ask him if he truly cares for you. If he does he would scale back on this over the top lovey dovey behaviour (because that's what it is) purely because it makes you feel uncomfortable and he loves and respects you.

Quite honestly though he is either looking for an ego boost from an emotional affair (which this is) or is actively looking to cheat with his "work bestie". You'd be sensible to gets your ducks in a row and get out.

Don't put up with your partner treating you like this, you can't change his behaviour but you can be better off without him if necessary. You are worth more than that Flowers

HereticFanjo · 02/12/2021 23:01

He is the worst sort of prick.

Schoolchoicesucks · 02/12/2021 23:15

What a tool.

Even if there was nothing romantic going on, he's choosing to stay at work for an extra couple of hours to keep her company rather than come home to his family, including 5 week old baby?

And he has history of inappropriate work relationship?

Sorry, OP, I think this needs to be ultimatum time. Anything beyond a professional relationship needs to stop now, or it is over. If you can't trust him not to continue, using false names or whatever, it's over anyway isn't it?

Sorry he is behaving this way.

headspin10 · 02/12/2021 23:30

I would be beyond furious at this behaviour. When you have a new baby you feel so vulnerable, he should be supporting YOU. Feel so angry on your behalf. I think some hard and sharp rules are in order. This is not ok.

I have found in the past that by reversing the situation or asking his opinion on a friend in a similar position - roles reversed eg your female friend is behaving like him, it can sometimes open their eyes to your position.... good luck. Really tough position you are in. Try to focus on your lovely babyThanks

Journeynotdestination · 02/12/2021 23:34

Given his past history he’s being utterly disrespectful towards you and your family unit. He sounds arrogant and tbh stupid. I’d give him an ultimatum…or just leave him.

Mother2princess · 02/12/2021 23:38

That is massively inappropriate I'd be throwing him out

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/12/2021 23:47

He doesn't think you're crazy.

He is cross you are challenging him on behaviour that is unkind to you.

Because he doesn't care enough.

😞

TopCatsTopHat · 03/12/2021 05:17

@Horseytwinkletoes2

He thinks that im crazy and he "cant see why i would have a problem with this"

I dont know. We have 3 kids including a newborn so wth do you do 😫 he thinks its ok behaviour and its all innocent ☹

Does he put this much time and attention into you? If not that's how you get him to see it's not ok. You shouldn't feel like second best when he married you presumably he promised to forsake all others or similar, you aren't doing that if others get more of your love and care than your wife. I realise this is by the by, it's an emotional affair, but maybe this would help hey him to see it.
timeisnotaline · 03/12/2021 06:01

Agree that in this context it sounds inappropriate at best and an affair at worst. What jumped out to me though is the fact that he stays at work an extra few hours so she isn't on her own...while you're no doubt on your own with 3 kids including a newborn??
This, it’s quite enough for me all on its own. If he respected that he had done this before he would be trying harder to avoid any appearance of it, not actively neglecting you and your month old baby to hang out with her. You’re not crazy.

MegaClutterSlut · 03/12/2021 07:41

This has big red flags all over it! Trust your gut op. Your partner is a dickhead to think this is acceptable behaviour

Mookie81 · 03/12/2021 07:46

@nimbuscloud

In what way is he an amazing dad?
Because she had 3 kids with him, including a newborn, and can't support herself that's how he's an 'amazing' dad. Hmm