To be upset that h forgot to collect our children

[Arren12]

Hi all,

Not sure if I'm overreacting. How would others deal with this.

I normally pick my children up on Thursday. I had work as a one off. I asked childminder to swap days as dh is usually at work till 5 and I know he has no flexibility or leave left. Childminder couldn't do so H said he would leave work early and had agreed this with boss.
We arranged this over a week ago.
H made a joke about getting out of work early so he was aware.
I'm at the event and get a call from school half an hour after finish time that no one has collected.
I rushed out of work as i couldn't get hold of h. Eventually got hold of him and he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive.
I hang up so I can get to the school. When I phoned him again he had left work and admitted he forgot.
How would others feel about this? Is it just one of those things.
I was 1 hour late at picking the children up and feel mortified. We both work across the city no where near school.
Would you be angry at your dh or see it as a simple mistake. This is the second time this has happened.

Some mitigating factors are,

I have never been late or forgotten. I do 100% of the drop off and pick ups because I work flexibility to do so.

There is an uneven devide in the mental load which I am unhappy about and I'm in the process of addressing. I didn't give him a reminder today because I was so busy and didn't remember to send it myself.

One dc has additional needs so this will affect her as she needs certainty and routine and also means she could have been in danger. She is let out of school to meet me at an agreed location just off school grounds. Luckily she went back in when no one came to meet her but she could have wandered home alone and I'd be non the wiser. I felt panicked when I got the call due to this as they were calling about youngest dc and at this point I didn't know where older dc was, but I remained calm with h on the phone.

H is usually pretty hands on and does do childcare and cooking etc he's a decent dad and our relationship is good normally.

He has been supporting me through my burnout and my ill health recently.

Childcare and household stuff is not equal as I work less but he does offer to do more.

I spoke about me working today to him all week, including last night because its my day off normally so he had reminders. This makes me feel like he wasn't listening. Which makes me feel like he may not fully listen to me all the time.

I can be over protective with my children so this will feel major to me.

Aibu I don't know how mad I should be about this or if I should even say anything to h. Hes home now as he came straight out of work.

I would be more annoyed about the fact that he lied to try and get out of trouble and tried to gaslight you before admitting her forgot. He could have set an alarm on his phone to remind himself. If you're forgetful (like me) you make sure you get a reminder somehow. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to rip him a new one so to speak

You are definitely overreacting. Is he being strategically incompetent so you don’t ask him again? I bet he doesn’t forget important work meetings.

Definitely not overreacting

I'd be annoyed he rang.
But I've known loads to forget on a very odd occasion, one off.

I did many years ago with a family members child! But we always laugh about it. And thankfully it was only 10nmon b4 realised And I lived opposite the school

I agree it’s strategic incompetence.

I would be furious with the fact he tried to lie his way out of it. It just shoes his misogyny that he doesn't have to remember the "women's work" he was asked to do for 1 day.

It's not the first time he's forgot.
Also, you should not have to remind him. It shouldn't need to be on you to make sure he knows. You're still carrying the load if you feel you need to say something.
I'd be very annoyed.
If he pulled his weight as an equal you wouldn't be have burnt out.

The instant lying about not having been told would enrage me!

After that I'd have a calm but deadly serious discussion about the split of the mental load. Also, what fail safes he can put in place not to forget things (phone alarms etc.).

I'd be really upset and I'd be considering the possibility of strategic incompetence

I'd be furious. Furious. If you can't rely on him to do a simple thing like remember his own child on one occasion with a whole week's notice, what use is he?

@MoreAloneTime

I'd be really upset and I'd be considering the possibility of strategic incompetence

Which is all very well, but a time when your child is left wondering if someone is coming is not the time for that kind of thing. The poor child must have been confused and upset.

It's ok to forget, we all do.

BUT it's not ok for him to turn it on you and claim he wasn't aware.

HE should have left work immediately to collect them, not you.

I'd be fuming.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this to be honest. I can't even be bothered speaking to him. I have gone upstairs out of the way. He's acting like its no big deal and a simple mistake

It's okay that he forgot - it happens.

But it's not okay that he lied - though I suspect his immediate thought was "shit, she's going to kill me" and he panicked.

My dad once forgot to pick me up from school. It was a very small private school and when my headteacher rang him and he said he was sat at home watching the football

His punishment was being sent to the post office depot to mail some letters for her before it closed, lol.

I think forgetting is possible if it isn't your normal activity. But he should have been sorry and admitted his fuck up.

I be really upset he pretended he forgot and didn't own up until later.
You're not his PA so shouldn't have to send reminders. You might forget a dentist appointment but not a one arrangement to pick up your own children.

The fact he lied about it is wrong!

If he was mortified and apologetic maybe you'd feel differently.

I do think he did genuinely forget and he did admit this quite quickly. He also admitted he forgot in front of the kids.

I just feel drained as I now know I can't rely on him and if I have to send him reminders for everything then its another thing for me to remember. He did say I should have reminded him as I'd reminded the children it was daddy picking up and I told him he's not one if the dc.

I’d be pretty disgusted he forgot his own children and even more so that he lied about it. Much more about they lying to try and get off the hook.

the forgetting bit, I could get over, the lying is the bit that would be the problem.

I think you need to ask him, seriously and not angrily, 'why is it my job to remind you of something I clearly asked you to do a few days ago?'. Say that in future, you expect to ask him to do important things like this only once and for him to ensure he fulfils it. I think that is a perfectly reasonable request and one he needs to take very seriously.

If it's out of the normal routine I can understand understand forgetting. He could however have set an alarm to remind him when you spoke about this. The main issue is the fake ignorance of him supposed to be doing it. That's not on, he needed to hold his hands up immediately.

If he forgot once I could get over it although I'd be furious, but knowing he'd done it before he should have set himself an alarm. I would be so disappointed that he couldn't be trusted to pick up his own children occasionally. I don't know how I'd handle it in your shoes op but you have every right to be very cross

I'd be annoyed for 2 reasons.

One, he lied.

Two, he probably forgot because usually he has the luxury of not having to worry about the kids. He knows you've got things. You wouldn't forget because the kids are constantly on your mind. So it's a symptom of the mental load being unevenly split.