To be upset that h forgot to collect our children

[Arren12]

Hi all,

Not sure if I'm overreacting. How would others deal with this.

I normally pick my children up on Thursday. I had work as a one off. I asked childminder to swap days as dh is usually at work till 5 and I know he has no flexibility or leave left. Childminder couldn't do so H said he would leave work early and had agreed this with boss.
We arranged this over a week ago.
H made a joke about getting out of work early so he was aware.
I'm at the event and get a call from school half an hour after finish time that no one has collected.
I rushed out of work as i couldn't get hold of h. Eventually got hold of him and he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive.
I hang up so I can get to the school. When I phoned him again he had left work and admitted he forgot.
How would others feel about this? Is it just one of those things.
I was 1 hour late at picking the children up and feel mortified. We both work across the city no where near school.
Would you be angry at your dh or see it as a simple mistake. This is the second time this has happened.

Some mitigating factors are,

I have never been late or forgotten. I do 100% of the drop off and pick ups because I work flexibility to do so.

There is an uneven devide in the mental load which I am unhappy about and I'm in the process of addressing. I didn't give him a reminder today because I was so busy and didn't remember to send it myself.

One dc has additional needs so this will affect her as she needs certainty and routine and also means she could have been in danger. She is let out of school to meet me at an agreed location just off school grounds. Luckily she went back in when no one came to meet her but she could have wandered home alone and I'd be non the wiser. I felt panicked when I got the call due to this as they were calling about youngest dc and at this point I didn't know where older dc was, but I remained calm with h on the phone.

H is usually pretty hands on and does do childcare and cooking etc he's a decent dad and our relationship is good normally.

He has been supporting me through my burnout and my ill health recently.

Childcare and household stuff is not equal as I work less but he does offer to do more.

I spoke about me working today to him all week, including last night because its my day off normally so he had reminders. This makes me feel like he wasn't listening. Which makes me feel like he may not fully listen to me all the time.

I can be over protective with my children so this will feel major to me.

Aibu I don't know how mad I should be about this or if I should even say anything to h. Hes home now as he came straight out of work.

The lying bit is the most annoying.
A lot of people make mistakes with the kids especially if it's something out of routine.
I forgot to pick mine up from cubs one night when they were young because they had gone on a different night and I was in Wednesday night mode instead on Monday's routine.

I forgot to pick one up from a birthday party once.

However I owned my mistake. Realised what I had done and why so made efforts to make sure it didn't happen again.
I understand your worry about your DD however if it was a genuine mistake and no harm was done maybe move on and next time there is any changes reminders need to be put in place. I used the alarm on my phone to help me remember where I am supposed to be in the next hour! That was a game changer for me rather than putting a date and time in my diary.

Regardless of who is to blame, the arrangements for meeting you child need to be reviewed. Thank goodness she was sensible enough to go back to school. You could be delayed for any number of reasons so not get to the meeting point on time. I shudder to think what the consequences could have been.

Ask him how he remembers to do things at work, like go to a meeting.
He helps you with your burn out? I think you mean 'causes it'.

Get a massive wall calendar and some big red pens and write on it, then text him and WhatsApp him and tell him in person, ring him every 5 mins of the day to remind him… and he’ll still forget

So, I'm not convinced he just "forgot"
I think its apathy or he just doesn't care enough
I forgot, as I said in my previous post. It wasn't apathy or that I didn't care. I was absolutely mortified! Both kids saw me in panic but said 'its ok mum, we knew you were coming' I'm not sure if that made me feel better or worse but I certainly did care that I messed up.

I'd be livid in a deadly quiet way tbh. No shouting but the fucker would be getting cornered for a come to Jesus conversation illustrating how incompetent and a fuckwit I think he is at that moment.

I have no patience for learned incompetence. Needs more practise more than taking the reins over myself.

No way id be letting it drop. Just like I wouldn't if anything had happened to that bairn.

I'd be livid. Especially given the circumstances with your eldest.
To them compound it with instant lying would make it a struggle to forgive him when he doesn't sound particularly contrite.

He quite clearly sees the children and their pick ups as your job and I'd find that massively, massively unattractive in a man.

I'd be furious about the forgetting and even more so about the lying. That would really, really bother me. Picking up the phone and going "omg I forgot, shit shit shit" is one thing. But trying to gaslight you - that is awful. That would make me look at him in a whole different light.

I think you need to take some time to work out how you need him to step up for his family. Tell him clearly. And tell him what happens if he doesn't step up.

If he'd forgotten once and apologised that would be understandable, but this is the second time.
He also lied about it and is now acting like it's not a big thing.
It's quite very clear that he doesn't expect to have to do his share. Not even his share in fact. He's not even up for you doing the lion's share with him picking up the few bits you can't do. I'd be furious.

why didn't he set an alarm on his phone for this?

It’s all well and good saying oh well he forgot, what if the eldest child had wandered off and something happened or op couldn’t get away lots of what ifs but if you can’t rely on your husband to pick up his own kids what can you rely on him for. I would be livid too, I pick mine up every day I have them and their dad on his days. Never forgotten in 20 years of parenting. I just don’t know how you can forget a child. It’s a poor excuse and he should be ashamed. I also have a sen child and I’m early to pick up as I park in the same place, stand in the same spot in the playground for him. I’m not sure what he’d fo if I wasn’t there or his dad and I don’t like to think about it.

I’d have a long chat about how much you have on your shoulders op and how he needs to step up more, I couldn’t trust him after this, you won’t be able to relax if you ask him again and that’s so wrong.

@Platax

To be fair, it's much easier not to forget when it is part of your normal regime. After all, you intended to remind your DH and forgot, so you can't claim infallibility.

If you accept he genuinely did forget, then you just need to talk to him about what he is going to do next time to ensure he doesn't forget - whether that's putting it in his office diary, setting alarms for himself, asking his colleagues to remind him, or the whole lot.

Why should the OP talk to him about anything? Surely he should be thinking about this and coming up with strategies since he was the one who fucked up and yet he has already lied, blamed the OP and decided its not really a big deal anyway.

He forgot - these things happen.

But he should have been contrite - he should be well capable of remembering in the first place, and using reminders if he needs them. And yes, he does need to up his game so that you know he is listening properly and that you can rely on him.

That it doesn't seem to you like just a random blip is more telling than what he actually forgot to do. Similar for his mendacious over-reaction.

Similar thing happened when our kids were small. The difference was that when he rang me for what seemed to be a general chat and I shrieked 'Why aren't you on your way to pick up the kids' there was a gasp of horror and the phone falling to the floor and the sound of him desperately leaving the office.

Definitely the attempt at gaslighting which is the major concern for.

After all, you intended to remind your DH and forgot, so you can't claim infallibility.

Why should she have to remind him of something they've arranged together?

@notacooldad

So, I'm not convinced he just "forgot" I think its apathy or he just doesn't care enough I forgot, as I said in my previous post. It wasn't apathy or that I didn't care. I was absolutely mortified! Both kids saw me in panic but said 'its ok mum, we knew you were coming' I'm not sure if that made me feel better or worse but I certainly did care that I messed up.

But Ops H didn't panic and rush immediately to go and pick them up. Nor is he mortified, he thinks its no big deal.

That's why the "forgot because its a one off" doesn't ring true to me.
I think he "forgot" because he doesn't care and knows the Op will pick up his slack.

(Nb I don't think he doesn't care about his children, far from it. But his lack of embarrassment shows he doesn't think the admin of looking ofter children is important)

He didn't pick up because he knew it must be you phoning to ask where he was. He then picked up when he thought he was safely out of having to go and do the pick up.

Hard as it is, I would have told the school that it is your husband who was picking up and given them his number.

In future if he is due to pick up, inform the school, give them his contact details and tell him they'll be contacting him if he forgets.

In fact, I'd make up another work event or situation within the next couple of months just to do this.

So he will know going forward that his forgetting needs to be sorted by himself.

He has apologized a few times now but only when I have told him how livid I am. He is making the excuse that its out of the norm and he has so much on his mind

@Arren12

He has apologized a few times now but only when I have told him how livid I am. He is making the excuse that its out of the norm and he has so much on his mind

And what's his excuse for lying and trying to gaslight you about it?

Does he forget important things at work? Does he remember to go to work? To do all those important tasks at work? I’d be furious, not just because he forgot but that it puts extra pressure on you to be his chuffing PA.

YANBU about being livid, but YABU to do 100% of the pick ups in the first place- this is probably why he forgot. It does my nut in this day and age how few dads do regular school pick ups, school trips, helping out at school. What kind of an example is this setting? And for those who scream “impossible I work”, there must be an absolutely minuscule number of men to whom this applies. OP take this as a sign that he needs more practise in this area and make sure he does at least one drop off and pick up a week- ideally more.

I would be beyond furious, especially with his playing dumb and lying act.

Has he forgotten that they are his children too?

Not to mention the fact that he tried to gaslight his way out of it the first time- that’s the behaviour of a complete psychopath! Was he by any chance in front of work colleagues at that point? I bet they think he’s the good guy and you’re batshit- nice work.

@beastlyslumber he says he didn't have it wrote down etc and it totally slipped his mind that he was doing it so when I rang first he said he wasn't supposed to as he actually thought that genuinely. He totally forgot I was working and thought it was a normal Thursday.

He now says he remembers organizing it with his boss for this week and is sorry he has so much on his mind and was engrossed in work.

This is the issue though isnt it

He now says he remembers organizing it with his boss for this week and is sorry he has so much on his mind and was engrossed in work.

That you cant - that if you got so engrossed in work or forgot nothing would get done. Your issue isnt just that he forgot but that he thinks nothing of the fact he forgets and expects it to be ok. But what happens if you forget? And is indicative of the uneven mental load that needs addressing