To be upset that h forgot to collect our children

[Arren12]

Hi all,

Not sure if I'm overreacting. How would others deal with this.

I normally pick my children up on Thursday. I had work as a one off. I asked childminder to swap days as dh is usually at work till 5 and I know he has no flexibility or leave left. Childminder couldn't do so H said he would leave work early and had agreed this with boss.
We arranged this over a week ago.
H made a joke about getting out of work early so he was aware.
I'm at the event and get a call from school half an hour after finish time that no one has collected.
I rushed out of work as i couldn't get hold of h. Eventually got hold of him and he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive.
I hang up so I can get to the school. When I phoned him again he had left work and admitted he forgot.
How would others feel about this? Is it just one of those things.
I was 1 hour late at picking the children up and feel mortified. We both work across the city no where near school.
Would you be angry at your dh or see it as a simple mistake. This is the second time this has happened.

Some mitigating factors are,

I have never been late or forgotten. I do 100% of the drop off and pick ups because I work flexibility to do so.

There is an uneven devide in the mental load which I am unhappy about and I'm in the process of addressing. I didn't give him a reminder today because I was so busy and didn't remember to send it myself.

One dc has additional needs so this will affect her as she needs certainty and routine and also means she could have been in danger. She is let out of school to meet me at an agreed location just off school grounds. Luckily she went back in when no one came to meet her but she could have wandered home alone and I'd be non the wiser. I felt panicked when I got the call due to this as they were calling about youngest dc and at this point I didn't know where older dc was, but I remained calm with h on the phone.

H is usually pretty hands on and does do childcare and cooking etc he's a decent dad and our relationship is good normally.

He has been supporting me through my burnout and my ill health recently.

Childcare and household stuff is not equal as I work less but he does offer to do more.

I spoke about me working today to him all week, including last night because its my day off normally so he had reminders. This makes me feel like he wasn't listening. Which makes me feel like he may not fully listen to me all the time.

I can be over protective with my children so this will feel major to me.

Aibu I don't know how mad I should be about this or if I should even say anything to h. Hes home now as he came straight out of work.

DH could be like this, I have to remind him several times to collect the DC. However, mine are now older so they remind him too. But the mental load seems to be the biggest thing for me, which is a biggie. I now don't do anything to do with his family, no meet ups, no birthday cards, no presents. Nothing at Christmas either, he needs to plan it all.

To be honest he has in the past struggled to admit his mistakes and would try making every excuse rather than say sorry. After much talking about gaslighting ect and that I won't put up with this he has worked on this aspect of himself. It stems from low self esteem and a feeling of failure. He slipped back into that tonight and I'm annoyed.

YANBU, it wouldn't be something most people would forget- their own children.

I have some ADHD etc, so if I have anything on that I might forget, I write it for myself on a piece of A4 and put it near where I sit, to remind myself. But I don't think I'd have to do that if I had kids and it was about picking them up.

I would accept that he forgot. We are all human and it sounds as though he is usually supportive.
I would not accept that it's your responsibility to remind him: he is a grown man and an adult takes responsibility for himself. You are not his mother.

I would take the view that he needs more practice in picking up his children so that he learns either not to forget, or to set a reminder for himself if he needs it.

Id go the opposite to thinking I couldnt reply on him for anything. Id give him more to do. Set responsibilities. Set day of the week he needs to do drop offs and pick ups.

Why is it your career taking a hit? Why is his not?

He needs to choose a day he works flexibly and apply at work.

Has he apologised to his children?

You know for being so engrossed in work that he forgot about them?

What a tool.

@Arren12

He has apologized a few times now but only when I have told him how livid I am. He is making the excuse that its out of the norm and he has so much on his mind

That's infuriating from him. Does he not realise that you have a lot on your mind too, and now he's added to your stress by showing how little priority he attaches to his family.

And that he needs more practice. He needs to be picking up more frequently, so it's not such a forgettable event. And it's up to him his he arranges he working life to make that possible, because you're done with being the admin person on this. Remind him that they're his DC too, and it's his turn, because it is abundantly clear now that he does not value your input enough to cover even one day that mattered. So he can sort it, as you are not putting up with family being treated as unimportant

@Quartz2208 this is what annoys me the most, I don't forget as I don't have that option and its a common theme. I don't forget to book the appointments and arrange school events or anything else the children need because I simply can't as no one would be there to pick up the pieces. We have had this conversation before.

I did ask him tonight why I never forget despite carrying the mental load that I do. He did not answer this.

Him forgetting, whilst annoying, isn't the problem here. You've stated that you have never forgot, however you do this daily, so it's such a natural part of your routine. He doesn't, so it's likely he genuinely did just forget. However him lying to you is the problem. Instead of acknowledging and owning up to making a mistake, he blamed you. That's not acceptable behaviour.

I'd put this one on him to make steps to improve his contribution to the mental load.

Ask him what he will do next time. tell him which of the tasks you currently do 100% of which will now become his or shared.

You didnt owe him anything in order for him to have remembered as he has had ample opportunity to prepare/put something into his work calendar etc.

The immediate denial is the most annoying.

I would make sorting out the arrangements for the children his job from now on, even if that means asking you to collect them when he works late.

Lay it out in really blunt terms:

You are already tired and struggling. He is a grown man who should be more than capable of remembering to pick up his own children - why didn't he set an appointment reminder in his work calendar or on his phone?

You are pissed off with him for lying as it's just a shitty thing to do.

You are even more pissed off with him for assuming that it's your responsibility to remind him. Why should you have to manage him? Does he need you to shout through the bathroom door at him to remind him to wipe front to back? Does he realise how ridiculously inept and incompetent it makes him seem? Or that it makes him look as if he's just too lazy and selfish to make the effort to remember to do things?

That if he doesn't make serious effort to sort himself out then this will be the death of the marriage, because being in a relationship with a man-child is deeply unsexy and irritating.

@Arren12

He has apologized a few times now but only when I have told him how livid I am. He is making the excuse that its out of the norm and he has so much on his mind

And you don't?

I relate. This kind of thing happens to either me or dh about once a year. It always happens on a day that we ve rejigged plans, we have different grandparents etc picking up every day and remember ing everything is overwhelming. I do get engrossed in work when I'm very busy so I know how that feels. I'm a teacher and it happens now and then with parents and I never mind a once off.
If he's apologetic and normally a good dad who pulls his weight forget about it and tell he'd better use his calendar more effectively in future!

Iv had massive slip ups forgetting like your dh, difference is that I hold my hands up admit fault straight away. He lied

I would be more annoyed about the fact that he lied to try and get out of trouble and tried to gaslight you before admitting her forgot.

This. In spades.

Maybe he didn't "lie"..maybe he forgot ye had changed plans and then remembered. I'm so forgetful I'd easily do that

I've done it. DS1 had a regular club that DH collected from on his way home on a regular basis but on one occasion he wasn't able to so I was supposed to.

Outside my normal routine I just completely forgot. I knew DS was at the club and was horrified when DH got home, later than usual, and didn't have DS with him.

I didn't try and pretend I'd never known anything about it though and I took wine for the club leaders the next week. It's the lying I'd be annoyed about.

The lying and gaslighting is much worse than the initial forgetting. I would be furious at that.

I have similarly left school pickup to DP today for similar reasons. There have been no issues and all is well because it's not difficult for a man to carry out a basic task like this even with a stressful busy job.

He is making the excuse that its out of the norm and he has so much on his mind

Nice for him to have that luxury! When you have children someone needs to have their mind organised, why should he have the ability to only focus on work?

Definitely he needs to work on his defensiveness as well, it's probably ingrained from childhood shaming but you don't want him passing that onto your DC.

Mine used to do this all the fucking time. I lost count of the times I’d have to race halfway across Paris before they were taken back to the school. It was very much strategic incompetence as he wasn’t working at the time, and I’d just started a new job. He also forgot to pick them up from the swimming pool when they were 3 and 5. I had to do the dash from work for that too, over an hour after their lesson finished. Found them standing outside the pool crying and holding hands.

Strangely, he managed to stop being late for the after school club when they whacked on late fees of £600 for a term.

I get inordinately furious about this type of thing; because conscientious dad and partners who pull their weight generally don’t fuck up in times like this. Simple. Especially with your daughters situation and SEN. It would be ‘ducks in a row’ time for me but I cannot abide letting kids down like this.

I’ve never really forgiven him for the swimming pool and they are now 21 and 23.

From the other side... my mum asked my dad to collect us from school once (can't think why - there must have been some enormous reason for it). He forgot.

These were the days long before mobile phones, so he had to be found at work via his secretary. He eventually turned up looking very sheepish. My siblings and I teased him mercilessly.

Our mum was cross with him for about five minutes.

Then we all got on with our lives.

In a way it was easier, because nobody in the 70s and 80s really spent time working out who was carrying more of the mental load, etc, etc, etc. Mum was a SAHM (as were all the mothers of the girls in my form), Dad was a bit of a workaholic. He did no domestic stuff, ever, but washed the cars and put petrol in them, and mowed the lawn. He's in his 70s and I don't think he has ever once switched a domestic applicance of any description on.

Despite all this, and despite having left us sitting on a wall unattended because he forgot about us, he is the best, funniest, kindest, loveliest dad anyone could wish to have. So I think it's possible to make too big a deal out of a small thing. Especially as, OP, your husband did eventually say he forgot, and apologised.

Could he have lied out of embarrassment?
I have known people to do that. I'm not saying it is an excuse or anything but sometimes people find it hard to admit they have messed up. I know I found it difficult to admit to things I screwed up with when I was younger. Now I am as old as shit I don't care and will say when I have done something wrong!