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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that h forgot to collect our children

180 replies

Arren12 · 25/11/2021 16:23

Hi all,

Not sure if I'm overreacting. How would others deal with this.

I normally pick my children up on Thursday. I had work as a one off. I asked childminder to swap days as dh is usually at work till 5 and I know he has no flexibility or leave left. Childminder couldn't do so H said he would leave work early and had agreed this with boss.
We arranged this over a week ago.
H made a joke about getting out of work early so he was aware.
I'm at the event and get a call from school half an hour after finish time that no one has collected.
I rushed out of work as i couldn't get hold of h. Eventually got hold of him and he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive.
I hang up so I can get to the school. When I phoned him again he had left work and admitted he forgot.
How would others feel about this? Is it just one of those things.
I was 1 hour late at picking the children up and feel mortified. We both work across the city no where near school.
Would you be angry at your dh or see it as a simple mistake. This is the second time this has happened.

Some mitigating factors are,

I have never been late or forgotten. I do 100% of the drop off and pick ups because I work flexibility to do so.

There is an uneven devide in the mental load which I am unhappy about and I'm in the process of addressing. I didn't give him a reminder today because I was so busy and didn't remember to send it myself.

One dc has additional needs so this will affect her as she needs certainty and routine and also means she could have been in danger. She is let out of school to meet me at an agreed location just off school grounds. Luckily she went back in when no one came to meet her but she could have wandered home alone and I'd be non the wiser. I felt panicked when I got the call due to this as they were calling about youngest dc and at this point I didn't know where older dc was, but I remained calm with h on the phone.

H is usually pretty hands on and does do childcare and cooking etc he's a decent dad and our relationship is good normally.

He has been supporting me through my burnout and my ill health recently.

Childcare and household stuff is not equal as I work less but he does offer to do more.

I spoke about me working today to him all week, including last night because its my day off normally so he had reminders. This makes me feel like he wasn't listening. Which makes me feel like he may not fully listen to me all the time.

I can be over protective with my children so this will feel major to me.

Aibu I don't know how mad I should be about this or if I should even say anything to h. Hes home now as he came straight out of work.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/11/2021 21:47

I'd be annoyed. I was forgotten to be picked up by a friends dad when I was at primary school and although I wasn't traumatised i remember being a bit freaked out at the time and it stayed with me forever, not as a bad memory but as a memory. So his kids literally might remember him letting them down for the rest of their life.

Also why wasn't it in his diary at work!?

tallduckandhandsome · 25/11/2021 21:48

@Summerfun54321

Family life needs to be organised in the exact same way as work life. Calendars, apps, reminders… expecting to just remember is setting yourself up for failure.
He just needed to put it in his diary. Funny how OP remembers 100% of the time.
Morgan12 · 25/11/2021 21:54

Well he's totally in the wrong of course. I'd be furious.

Also I swear I've read this exact post word for word like a year ago? Anybody else getting deja vu here?

Itsokay2020 · 25/11/2021 21:58

I’d be furious too... why do men think this is an acceptable way to behave! How do we, as a society, change this mindset?

I don’t know the answers, but what I read, observe and experience every day is alarming, very alarming.

In your position I’d need some time out too, but at some point you’ll need to discuss this. Forgetting is one thing, not taking immediate responsibility is another.

Your DH’s willingness to minimise the situation is worrying. It suggests that he is confident that you’ll always pick up the pieces, troubleshoot when needed and make sacrifices that are disproportionate to his. Use this time to review and reflect.

Marvellousmadness · 25/11/2021 21:59

Yabu. Just because you never forget doesnt mean that a person who never picks up a kid from school on a Thursday isnt allowed to forget.

Yabu however to send your kid with additional let outside the school grounds to wait there if you say she could have been in danger...

Yanbu being upset with dh as he tried to make up excuses instead of just owning up and applogizing

But no need to stay mad over this. I thought you wanted less mental load. Next time just remind him. Yes another thing to remember but im sure that sending a message is less mental load than worrying for god knows how long if your dh actually picks up the kid/ having to rush out of work etc etc

EgdonHeath · 25/11/2021 22:09

Just to respond to those who have commented on my post (patriarchy etc): I completely see all your points (apart from anyone who says anything about my lovely dad, who hasn't got a clue who they're talking about). However: MN is stuffed full of posts written by women who are basically unhappy. A lot of their unhappiness is caused by the fact that they are expected to do absolutely bloody everything all the bloody time, and feel let down by their partners. In some ways, it was a whole of a lot easier when nobody was expecting both parents to be all things to all people. Plus an awful lot of women who post on here want their partners do 'do more' - but when their partners do more, they become frustrated because it's not done properly (i.e. the way the would do it).

There are lots of discussions to be had about this. But in my opinion, people are too quick to be become 'fuming', 'incandescent', 'raging', 'furious' and so on. Even leaving aside the patriarchal element, what is wrong with someone forgetting to do something, apologising (in the end, having tried to slither out of the fact that they forgot), and everyone moving on? Why is it worthy of discussion? A bit of give and take and 'oh well - these things happen' might help all round.

snackess · 25/11/2021 22:17

I mean, sure, he was a total dick to forget & should do better

But...

We're only human & if he's apologised then let it go & move on.

Helptonight · 25/11/2021 22:52

I hope you don't take this the wrong way but from my experience the anger I have had with instances like this is a form of envy/being jealous that they have, for want of a better word, 'luxury' of forgetting stuff. My husband sounds a lot like yours, very balanced and hands on but sometimes forgets or never has to even consider things that are at this point, ingrained in me. At 2pm every day I know whatever I'm doing, it's time to start prepping for pick up. The panic of being behind at work, stuck in traffic, in an overrunning meeting is the pits. Been managing it for over 10 years at this point and as much as it is lovely to be flexible and to be there everyday during school time, its also allows him not to worry about such things on a daily basis and he should remember that and appreciate it if nothing else

FreedomFaith · 25/11/2021 23:18

Not a one off, he's a twat.

After yelling at him for being an incompetent moron, I'd have told him he's doing all cooking, cleaning and caring of children from tonight through the whole weekend. He'll bloody well remember them by the end of it.

DriftingBlue · 25/11/2021 23:46

Forgetting once can happen. Knowing he has done it once, he needs to set multiple reminders and alarms. I would be livid.

I have trouble getting up from my desk sometimes because I am so engrossed in a task, which is why I have 3 alarms to force my attention so I am never late for pickup.

My DH has a tendency to not think through the mental load. Recently I arranged a month in advance for him to handle the school runs on a certain day. He only blocked his time off at work for pickup. thankfully he realized the problem the night before, but I left him to solve the it. I didn’t help beyond answering the questions he asked about the morning routine.

DysmalRadius · 26/11/2021 00:01

I find it helps to think: 'what would happen if the children had two parents like their mother or two like their father?'. In so many cases, having two mothers would be an awesome ride of people getting shit done and sharing the workload in a way that genuinely makes things easier, and having two fathers would be a knife-edge of incompetence, important things forgotten and undone, and children being borderline neglected.

CauntDracula · 26/11/2021 00:52

I would be upset but I don't think he did it deliberately.
Have you got a shared calendar app? So when discussing with him that he's picking the kids up on a certain day, you are also writing it on the calendar (or telling him to do it, but he will probably write the time wrong or do the wrong colour coding, so it's easier to do it yourself). Each morning you get a notification of all events that day, so he will be reminded to pick them up.
My OH once forgot to take DC to a birthday party when I was working. It just wasn't on his mind because it's always me who organises those things. Similarly I once forgot to get my car MOT'd for over a month as my mind is usually thinking of work/home/children and not cars.
We now use Timetree and it saved our relationship.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 26/11/2021 08:51

@EgdonHeath

Just to respond to those who have commented on my post (patriarchy etc): I completely see all your points (apart from anyone who says anything about my lovely dad, who hasn't got a clue who they're talking about). However: MN is stuffed full of posts written by women who are basically unhappy. A lot of their unhappiness is caused by the fact that they are expected to do absolutely bloody everything all the bloody time, and feel let down by their partners. In some ways, it was a whole of a lot easier when nobody was expecting both parents to be all things to all people. Plus an awful lot of women who post on here want their partners do 'do more' - but when their partners do more, they become frustrated because it's not done properly (i.e. the way the would do it).

There are lots of discussions to be had about this. But in my opinion, people are too quick to be become 'fuming', 'incandescent', 'raging', 'furious' and so on. Even leaving aside the patriarchal element, what is wrong with someone forgetting to do something, apologising (in the end, having tried to slither out of the fact that they forgot), and everyone moving on? Why is it worthy of discussion? A bit of give and take and 'oh well - these things happen' might help all round.

"These things happen". Yup, not the first time by this DP and never by the OP.

I'm sure it was easier decades ago in "blue and pink" relationships but the world isn't like that now. If there are two working parents there needs to be two functioning parents as well.

NoKandoo · 26/11/2021 08:53

After yelling at him for being an incompetent moron, I'd have told him he's doing all cooking, cleaning and caring of children from tonight through the whole weekend. He'll bloody well remember them by the end of it

I find this kind of response really sad (not keen on the use of 'moron', either). It explains why so many couples end up hating one another. And using the children to prove a point is just completely crap.

thelegohooverer · 26/11/2021 09:28

Everyone makes mistakes but this is the kind of mistake you make once and then ensure you never make it again.

I am not naturally organised, and I struggle massively with things like this. But I take precautions to ensure that I never forget my dc because they are my absolute priority.

This isn’t about anger or forgiveness. It’s about having a partner you can’t trust or depend on, who doesn’t share your priorities in regard to the safety of your dc.

I don’t know what you can actually do. It’s like a paradigm shift; it’s a different reality than what you thought.

WeatherwaxOn · 26/11/2021 09:33

How can he forget? Doesn't he have a diary/phone/calendar?
He had arranged with work so his workplace would have expected him to leave early.
It takes all of 5 seconds (if that) to put a reminder in your diary/other source. Why does he think you are responsible for reminding him?

RubyKitty · 26/11/2021 09:35

I hope he pops in to the school with chocolates to apologise personally as that teacher probably had things to do

Platax · 26/11/2021 09:36

How can he forget? Doesn't he have a diary/phone/calendar?

Even with something in your diary, it's easy enough to forget when you get engrossed in something else. Only yesterday I had a reminder for a deadline posted on my Outlook calendar at the beginning of the day: I had a couple of urgent things to deal with and an unexpected meeting slotted in, and I only remembered the deadline at 4 pm.

beastlyslumber · 26/11/2021 10:54

Those were the days where things were simpler and people weren't frazzled and outraged over everything.

And all the wives were on valium for their "nerves".

PRsecrets · 26/11/2021 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Arren12 · 26/11/2021 11:27

Just thought I'd add me did rush straight out of work I did too because I'd left by the time I got hold of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arren12 · 26/11/2021 11:27

He did

OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 26/11/2021 11:34

DH would never remember. I'd need remind him when he needed to leave. He says he has too many things remember but the DC and I all have shit memories and I have remember for 3 of us. He's not even aware anything to do with the schools.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 26/11/2021 11:57

@minou123

it's ok as a one off mistake, he forgot because its not part of his normal routine

See I don't agree with this.
For me, and admittedly this is me, when I have to do something that's not part of my normal routine, for example a GP appointment , I remember, specifically because its not part of my routine.
IYSWIM.

So, I'm not convinced he just "forgot"
I think its apathy or he just doesn't care enough.

Maybe I'm being too harsh, you know your H better.

I don't, because my memory is so shit that everything's a cue for the next thing. The number of times I've forgotten to ring the doctor this week.
Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 26/11/2021 12:10

I just feel drained as I now know I can't rely on him and if I have to send him reminders for everything then its another thing for me to remember.

This is a big deal. You are feeling you need to shoulder the huge majority of the mental load. Spell this out to him.