To be upset that h forgot to collect our children

[Arren12]

Hi all,

Not sure if I'm overreacting. How would others deal with this.

I normally pick my children up on Thursday. I had work as a one off. I asked childminder to swap days as dh is usually at work till 5 and I know he has no flexibility or leave left. Childminder couldn't do so H said he would leave work early and had agreed this with boss.
We arranged this over a week ago.
H made a joke about getting out of work early so he was aware.
I'm at the event and get a call from school half an hour after finish time that no one has collected.
I rushed out of work as i couldn't get hold of h. Eventually got hold of him and he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive.
I hang up so I can get to the school. When I phoned him again he had left work and admitted he forgot.
How would others feel about this? Is it just one of those things.
I was 1 hour late at picking the children up and feel mortified. We both work across the city no where near school.
Would you be angry at your dh or see it as a simple mistake. This is the second time this has happened.

Some mitigating factors are,

I have never been late or forgotten. I do 100% of the drop off and pick ups because I work flexibility to do so.

There is an uneven devide in the mental load which I am unhappy about and I'm in the process of addressing. I didn't give him a reminder today because I was so busy and didn't remember to send it myself.

One dc has additional needs so this will affect her as she needs certainty and routine and also means she could have been in danger. She is let out of school to meet me at an agreed location just off school grounds. Luckily she went back in when no one came to meet her but she could have wandered home alone and I'd be non the wiser. I felt panicked when I got the call due to this as they were calling about youngest dc and at this point I didn't know where older dc was, but I remained calm with h on the phone.

H is usually pretty hands on and does do childcare and cooking etc he's a decent dad and our relationship is good normally.

He has been supporting me through my burnout and my ill health recently.

Childcare and household stuff is not equal as I work less but he does offer to do more.

I spoke about me working today to him all week, including last night because its my day off normally so he had reminders. This makes me feel like he wasn't listening. Which makes me feel like he may not fully listen to me all the time.

I can be over protective with my children so this will feel major to me.

Aibu I don't know how mad I should be about this or if I should even say anything to h. Hes home now as he came straight out of work.

If you dont do something regularly it is easy to forget. He should work out a way to remind himself (phone alarm for example). If he is going to do something, let him work out how he is going to remember, he will have more chance remembering that way. And it lightens the load on you if you are not chasing him with reminders. I do think you are over reacting a bit here tbh, but given what you have said about the inequality in how things are done, I can see why you might. It is not just about doing chores and pick ups, it is the mental load of remembering all of this stuff which seems to fall on you. This is where he needs to step up.

I would focus on him letting the children down, take you out of this equation. You are right in that he is not engaging brain for conversations etc and fundamentally he is an adult - exactly as you are and you do not need constant reminders. He has a phone he can set up reminders. I would suggest a shared electronic diary to his phone and yours with reminders set up - but its still for him to put it in etc. I think I would be saying he needs to do collections more often so that he doesn't just drop responsibilitie at the door to work. I would make him go in to pay the "fine" and apologise to the poor worker who had to stay late as well

He is working on the mental load thing. He went into school a few weeks ago without prompt from me and asked them to Include him in the communications and add his email to the list. So he now gets them and has talked about whats coming up. He got the youngest an outfit for the dress up day sorted before I had the other day. Hes also sorted the childcare fees and deals with all this. Its not perfect but at least I know he trying.

While I agree his lying about it was very wrong, I'm also confused why you did not mention it to him in the morning. If I needed my dh to pick up our kids at a time that he does not usually do I would make sure to mention it in the morning. "Dont forget today is the day you need to pick the kids up" would take seconds to say. And I would do the reminding not for HIM, but for my kids because I would not want to put them through waiting around and no one showing up to get them. So I really dont understand why you did not just remind him in the morning. I know people will yell "it's not her job to do that" "he is an adult he should just remember on his on" etc. But again, for the sake of my kids I would make sure I reminded him even though he should remember on his own.

It isn't great but it does sound like he's trying. Hopefully this will have given him a bit of a kick up the behind about being organised.

I had a friend in tears one day. She'd gone shopping with her toddler and new born and left the baby in the pram in the middle of the supermarket. When she got home DH asked where the baby was. She felt awful and said she was so used to it being her and the toddler that it just felt normal. Maybe it was like that with him, he just felt like a normal Thursday.

Can he put reminders on his phone?

Hope he continues to work on it.

I’d be fuming he forgot one bloody time you ask him to do it. Sorry to say shows how little he thinks of all you do

@Starfish1021

You are definitely overreacting. Is he being strategically incompetent so you don’t ask him again? I bet he doesn’t forget important work meetings.

OP: The gaslighting and strategic incompetence is unacceptable.

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer I don't see him in the morning as he leaves just as im getting up. I had a big work think on today too so was concerned about that. I'd not had my phone on me all day.

@weltenbummler

Forgetting to do sth is human and can happen to all of us . What I would be furious aboutin is him lying and trying to gaslight you when pulled up on his mistake

I agree forgetting is human but how on earth can you forget your own children?

It’s infuriating and you have every reason to be upset.
Aside from justifiable ranting, we have a shared calendar and I set reminder alarms if I put something in DHs calendar. It’s annoying but it works. Then I don’t think about it again.

I assume your burnout, and you carrying the majority of the mental load are in fact linked and therefore he isnt really supporting you is he.

It sounds like his life has continued much the same before children as after, whilst you run around like a mad thing trying to cram everything in.

I always wonder why so many fathers jobs dont seem to allow for flexible working, pick ups and drop offs etc when so many womens do. Is it because men just dont bother to present a workable solution to their employers leaving women with no other choice?

He IBU but I think you know that anyway.

@EgdonHeath

From the other side... my mum asked my dad to collect us from school once (can't think why - there must have been some enormous reason for it). He forgot.

These were the days long before mobile phones, so he had to be found at work via his secretary. He eventually turned up looking very sheepish. My siblings and I teased him mercilessly.

Our mum was cross with him for about five minutes.

Then we all got on with our lives.

In a way it was easier, because nobody in the 70s and 80s really spent time working out who was carrying more of the mental load, etc, etc, etc. Mum was a SAHM (as were all the mothers of the girls in my form), Dad was a bit of a workaholic. He did no domestic stuff, ever, but washed the cars and put petrol in them, and mowed the lawn. He's in his 70s and I don't think he has ever once switched a domestic applicance of any description on.

Despite all this, and despite having left us sitting on a wall unattended because he forgot about us, he is the best, funniest, kindest, loveliest dad anyone could wish to have. So I think it's possible to make too big a deal out of a small thing. Especially as, OP, your husband did eventually say he forgot, and apologised.

Can you not see the problem with this?

I know some very funny, charming, men, life and soul of the company and the party. I wouldn’t marry one of them or choose one as the father of my children.

@EgdonHeath Despite all this, and despite having left us sitting on a wall unattended because he forgot about us, he is the best, funniest, kindest, loveliest dad anyone could wish to have.

I'm sure he really was, but that's not too hard when you have the luxury of no mental load around childcare. I'm the BEST parent when I'm not working and juggling childcare.

Of course you are angry. The responsibility you share for taking care of your children is the most important job that either one of you have. You have been entrusted with the well-being of vulnerable young humans and that is damned serious business. If you feel as if your life partner is in any way treating this work as a joke, if he is inattentive about it or unrepentant about mistakes he has made, then no wonder you want to slap him.

He has been supporting me through my burnout and my ill health recently.

Oh no he hasn’t! He’s helped you reach burnout by behaving like an extra child. I couldn’t tolerate this, OP.

@EgdonHeath

From the other side... my mum asked my dad to collect us from school once (can't think why - there must have been some enormous reason for it). He forgot.

These were the days long before mobile phones, so he had to be found at work via his secretary. He eventually turned up looking very sheepish. My siblings and I teased him mercilessly.

Our mum was cross with him for about five minutes.

Then we all got on with our lives.

In a way it was easier, because nobody in the 70s and 80s really spent time working out who was carrying more of the mental load, etc, etc, etc. Mum was a SAHM (as were all the mothers of the girls in my form), Dad was a bit of a workaholic. He did no domestic stuff, ever, but washed the cars and put petrol in them, and mowed the lawn. He's in his 70s and I don't think he has ever once switched a domestic applicance of any description on.

Despite all this, and despite having left us sitting on a wall unattended because he forgot about us, he is the best, funniest, kindest, loveliest dad anyone could wish to have. So I think it's possible to make too big a deal out of a small thing. Especially as, OP, your husband did eventually say he forgot, and apologised.

My Dh is in his 70s. He changed the first nappy and has been completely involved in domestic tasks ever since.

so you have to remember everything, yet he can forget and lie his way out of it?

no, OP you are not overreacting and he is bang out of order!

This man is happily letting is wife get to a stage where she is burnt out, to the point you even feel grateful for his support. Sounds like he does bugger all and you carry the mental load ontop of the kids and the one time you needed him he let you down....sorry but this man is taking you for granted...he should feel ashamed and you need to get some control back of your life . He is not your DC or a project...did you have to be guided into what it is to deal with the schools and the various things that go with it...?Did you need to be shown the way by a fellow adult...nope because your not a selfish ass hole. Your DH is one of those blokes that thinks kids are wife work and anything above and beyond he requires a gold star for. He isnt part of your team...i would have been so upset if my DH did this to me

@EgdonHeath

From the other side... my mum asked my dad to collect us from school once (can't think why - there must have been some enormous reason for it). He forgot.

These were the days long before mobile phones, so he had to be found at work via his secretary. He eventually turned up looking very sheepish. My siblings and I teased him mercilessly.

Our mum was cross with him for about five minutes.

Then we all got on with our lives.

In a way it was easier, because nobody in the 70s and 80s really spent time working out who was carrying more of the mental load, etc, etc, etc. Mum was a SAHM (as were all the mothers of the girls in my form), Dad was a bit of a workaholic. He did no domestic stuff, ever, but washed the cars and put petrol in them, and mowed the lawn. He's in his 70s and I don't think he has ever once switched a domestic applicance of any description on.

Despite all this, and despite having left us sitting on a wall unattended because he forgot about us, he is the best, funniest, kindest, loveliest dad anyone could wish to have. So I think it's possible to make too big a deal out of a small thing. Especially as, OP, your husband did eventually say he forgot, and apologised.

Oh shut up - apples and bananas.

(and I don't think that's really a positive portrayal of your dad)

I would be absolutely furious and this would seriously make me wonder if I could stay with him because I fundamentally would feel I couldn’t trust him.

And I’d tell him that too.

Yanbu

Forgetting - when he could have a reminder on his phone, or an entry in his work diary - is absolutely unacceptable. As PPs said, women don't to seem to have this get out clause.

For all those saying, 'oh dear, he foget, we all do sometimes'. Yes we do when we are juggling millions of things, he was asked to do one important thing. Then he tried to put it back on you and lie. I bet he wouldn't have forgotten if it was an important meeting at work, or a bike ride with his mates. He forgot because, like many men, he puts himself first. Whatever you think, you and the kids are second. Why didn't he rush and pick up the children? oh yes, becuase he knows you will do it, so he doesn't have to bother.

As for your Dad @EgdonHeath - gone are the days when men lived the life of riley, ruling the house, mowing the lawn once a week whilst the wimmin pick up all the crap. Nice you have happy memories but this is good example what the patriarchy does.

I was a child who waited for her dad to turn up - and it wasn’t fun and we didn’t tease him afterwards - it was distressing and not fun at all. I don’t believe that any child is ok with this uncertainty, especially a child with SN. Suggest instead of making it about supporting you, you reiterate how you dc feel about their dad letting them down - and keep making this point until he really gets it. And stop with the reminders, he can manage his life and his responsibilities himself.

Eventually got hold of him and he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive.

This is gaslighting, OP.