Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that h forgot to collect our children

180 replies

Arren12 · 25/11/2021 16:23

Hi all,

Not sure if I'm overreacting. How would others deal with this.

I normally pick my children up on Thursday. I had work as a one off. I asked childminder to swap days as dh is usually at work till 5 and I know he has no flexibility or leave left. Childminder couldn't do so H said he would leave work early and had agreed this with boss.
We arranged this over a week ago.
H made a joke about getting out of work early so he was aware.
I'm at the event and get a call from school half an hour after finish time that no one has collected.
I rushed out of work as i couldn't get hold of h. Eventually got hold of him and he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive.
I hang up so I can get to the school. When I phoned him again he had left work and admitted he forgot.
How would others feel about this? Is it just one of those things.
I was 1 hour late at picking the children up and feel mortified. We both work across the city no where near school.
Would you be angry at your dh or see it as a simple mistake. This is the second time this has happened.

Some mitigating factors are,

I have never been late or forgotten. I do 100% of the drop off and pick ups because I work flexibility to do so.

There is an uneven devide in the mental load which I am unhappy about and I'm in the process of addressing. I didn't give him a reminder today because I was so busy and didn't remember to send it myself.

One dc has additional needs so this will affect her as she needs certainty and routine and also means she could have been in danger. She is let out of school to meet me at an agreed location just off school grounds. Luckily she went back in when no one came to meet her but she could have wandered home alone and I'd be non the wiser. I felt panicked when I got the call due to this as they were calling about youngest dc and at this point I didn't know where older dc was, but I remained calm with h on the phone.

H is usually pretty hands on and does do childcare and cooking etc he's a decent dad and our relationship is good normally.

He has been supporting me through my burnout and my ill health recently.

Childcare and household stuff is not equal as I work less but he does offer to do more.

I spoke about me working today to him all week, including last night because its my day off normally so he had reminders. This makes me feel like he wasn't listening. Which makes me feel like he may not fully listen to me all the time.

I can be over protective with my children so this will feel major to me.

Aibu I don't know how mad I should be about this or if I should even say anything to h. Hes home now as he came straight out of work.

OP posts:
JSL52 · 25/11/2021 17:01

He's a dick.

audweb · 25/11/2021 17:01

I’d be raging. I’ve never forgotten to pick up my child despite having worked full time in demanding jobs since she was little. My ex on the other hand - at least twice, if not more. How can you? They are your kids. My whole life fits round juggling childcare, and if he forgot it means the mental load of parenting is not on his radar; and for that I would be incredibly angryZ

ADialgaAteMyDog · 25/11/2021 17:02

My DP used to try the "I didn't know about it" bullshit so I now put everything in an email/WhatsApp and calendar item. Its fucking pathetic but there we go. I'd also look at making him do at least one drop off or pick up a week, it's not fair on you to have to do all the rushing about.

toolazytothinkofausername · 25/11/2021 17:02
  • he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive. I hang up so I can get to the school. When I phoned him again he had left work and admitted he forgot. *

For me the initial lying would be more hurtful than forgetting what he was mean to do.

lunar1 · 25/11/2021 17:03

Forgetting is one thing, but I won't ever have anyone gaslighting me. I had enough of it from my dad and his wife and have zero tolerance for that now.

caringcarer · 25/11/2021 17:11

If it was my DH he would have to work very hard to get back into my good books. He should apologise to the children and to the school. You need to discuss sharing the mental load more evenly. They are his children too yet you do all the drop offs and collections. He should take on more household chores to compensate.

Platax · 25/11/2021 17:16

To be fair, it's much easier not to forget when it is part of your normal regime. After all, you intended to remind your DH and forgot, so you can't claim infallibility.

If you accept he genuinely did forget, then you just need to talk to him about what he is going to do next time to ensure he doesn't forget - whether that's putting it in his office diary, setting alarms for himself, asking his colleagues to remind him, or the whole lot.

Franca123 · 25/11/2021 17:18

Has he apologised properly to you and the children showing he understands why it's not acceptable? Treat him how you would a teenager who forgot. What a child.

Franca123 · 25/11/2021 17:19

Good point from a PP. He needs to apologise to the school to show the children it's not OK to inconvenience people like that.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/11/2021 17:19

The question isn't really 'how angry should you be?', it's 'how apologetic, contrite and determined to make this up to everyone is he going to be?'. You're not his Mum.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/11/2021 17:22

Lying is a big thing.

I don't get your comment that 'he does offer to do more' in the house. So take him up on it!

Are you saying it's actually a hollow offer, just spoken to pacify you? or that you like to be in control of everything, are incapable of delegation and actually enjoy doing housework?

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 25/11/2021 17:23

I don’t know why posters are saying ‘it happens, you sometimes forget’. Nah, sorry to raise the bar a bit here but most caregivers (specifically mothers) don’t forget their children. Being a very responsible adult if I need to remember something out of the ordinary (an appointment, a school assembly, etc), I make a note in my work calendar or phone which he should have done if he has form for being ‘forgetful’ (though why am I guessing this forgetfulness doesn’t seem to be a problem with ad hoc projects and unusual meetings and such at work).

I’d be furious and I really don’t think you are overreacting.

PheasantsNest · 25/11/2021 17:23

Unforgivable. I would be thinking long and hard about my relationship with a useless father who can't remember to pick his children up.

FourTeaFallOut · 25/11/2021 17:23

So the one time he had to do the job he forgot about it and then lied about it and inferred that you were the incompetent one?

I don't think I'd have an upper limit on how pissed off I'd be about that.

WTF475878237NC · 25/11/2021 17:23

If it was a one off mistake and he apologised that's one thing. However, I see you've written about bigger issues of the mental load being uneven and in that context, I'm not surprised you're annoyed about this.

Does he see you as a team or is he quite self absorbed?

Would it work to have a planner on the wall and everything gets written on it, and then it's each person's job to update it and check it etc around designated chores?

IntermittentParps · 25/11/2021 17:24

@Bonniegirlie

I would be more annoyed about the fact that he lied to try and get out of trouble and tried to gaslight you before admitting her forgot. He could have set an alarm on his phone to remind himself. If you're forgetful (like me) you make sure you get a reminder somehow. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to rip him a new one so to speak
Yes, this.

He screwed up. OK. People screw up. But he should have acknowledged and apologised, not acted dumb and then defensive. Hmm

FestiveMayo · 25/11/2021 17:25

Eventually got hold of him and he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive. this bit would have be absolutely livid. More so than than forgetting.

weltenbummler · 25/11/2021 17:26

Forgetting to do sth is human and can happen to all of us . What I would be furious aboutin is him lying and trying to gaslight you when pulled up on his mistake

lottiegarbanzo · 25/11/2021 17:28

Also, it's not up to him, or you,to decide whether it's a big thing or not. That's up to the school and the children.

Gizlotsmum · 25/11/2021 17:31

I would be angry that he claimed he didn’t know. I would calmly ask him how you can stop it happening in the future? I have had similar issues with my DH (claiming I never told him I needed him to cover something although I was checking in advance) but to be fair I have forgotten things he told me. We now have a family diary (paper and on phones) and after I asked why it was my job to remind him as well as the kids it has got better. ( he asked me to remind him to do something… I may have asked who was reminding me of things….it got the point across)

FourTeaFallOut · 25/11/2021 17:31

@lottiegarbanzo

Also, it's not up to him, or you,to decide whether it's a big thing or not. That's up to the school and the children.
Of course she can decide if it's a big deal. He committed to picking up the children and he didn't and he was a dick about it. I wouldn't need permission from anyone to let him know he was an asshole.
BlowDryRat · 25/11/2021 17:32

This would really annoy me. It's such a big thing for a child to feel forgotten. And why should you need to constantly remind him, set up calendars etc.?! He's perfectly capable of putting a reminder in his phone, work calendar etc.

DrSbaitso · 25/11/2021 17:34

It's not a one off, it's part of a wider context of making things your responsibility and he's not remorseful, so I'd be pissed off too.

minou123 · 25/11/2021 17:35

it's ok as a one off mistake, he forgot because its not part of his normal routine

See I don't agree with this.
For me, and admittedly this is me, when I have to do something that's not part of my normal routine, for example a GP appointment , I remember, specifically because its not part of my routine.
IYSWIM.

So, I'm not convinced he just "forgot"
I think its apathy or he just doesn't care enough.

Maybe I'm being too harsh, you know your H better.

Gliderx · 25/11/2021 17:36

Also, it's not up to him, or you,to decide whether it's a big thing or not. That's up to the school and the children.

It would have been a big thing if the school hadn't been able to get through to the OP (who was working) and had involved social services since neither parent could be contacted. The only reason it wasn't a big thing was because the OP cleaned up his shit for him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread