To be upset that h forgot to collect our children

[Arren12]

Hi all,

Not sure if I'm overreacting. How would others deal with this.

I normally pick my children up on Thursday. I had work as a one off. I asked childminder to swap days as dh is usually at work till 5 and I know he has no flexibility or leave left. Childminder couldn't do so H said he would leave work early and had agreed this with boss.
We arranged this over a week ago.
H made a joke about getting out of work early so he was aware.
I'm at the event and get a call from school half an hour after finish time that no one has collected.
I rushed out of work as i couldn't get hold of h. Eventually got hold of him and he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive.
I hang up so I can get to the school. When I phoned him again he had left work and admitted he forgot.
How would others feel about this? Is it just one of those things.
I was 1 hour late at picking the children up and feel mortified. We both work across the city no where near school.
Would you be angry at your dh or see it as a simple mistake. This is the second time this has happened.

Some mitigating factors are,

I have never been late or forgotten. I do 100% of the drop off and pick ups because I work flexibility to do so.

There is an uneven devide in the mental load which I am unhappy about and I'm in the process of addressing. I didn't give him a reminder today because I was so busy and didn't remember to send it myself.

One dc has additional needs so this will affect her as she needs certainty and routine and also means she could have been in danger. She is let out of school to meet me at an agreed location just off school grounds. Luckily she went back in when no one came to meet her but she could have wandered home alone and I'd be non the wiser. I felt panicked when I got the call due to this as they were calling about youngest dc and at this point I didn't know where older dc was, but I remained calm with h on the phone.

H is usually pretty hands on and does do childcare and cooking etc he's a decent dad and our relationship is good normally.

He has been supporting me through my burnout and my ill health recently.

Childcare and household stuff is not equal as I work less but he does offer to do more.

I spoke about me working today to him all week, including last night because its my day off normally so he had reminders. This makes me feel like he wasn't listening. Which makes me feel like he may not fully listen to me all the time.

I can be over protective with my children so this will feel major to me.

Aibu I don't know how mad I should be about this or if I should even say anything to h. Hes home now as he came straight out of work.

I came to say that I’ve forgotten too.
Normally DH used to pick up the dcs and me quite irregularly. It was a normal pick up, DH was at home already so basically dcs waited 5 mins more.

HOWEVER, I never forgot something like this. it’s not just forgetting his responsibilities as a father but it’s also him forgetting you would be out for the day on a big meeting. An unusual one. I’ve never forgotten that iyswim.
What it tells me is that he also doesn’t see your work as important and needing to be respected. I’d have an issue about that tbh.

@Asurvivor

I was a child who waited for her dad to turn up - and it wasn’t fun and we didn’t tease him afterwards - it was distressing and not fun at all. I don’t believe that any child is ok with this uncertainty, especially a child with SN. Suggest instead of making it about supporting you, you reiterate how you dc feel about their dad letting them down - and keep making this point until he really gets it. And stop with the reminders, he can manage his life and his responsibilities himself.

I agree and I was older that the OP’s dc. And no it wasn’t fun….

Does he have a work calendar? If so, ask him why he didn't put a reminder in after he agreed with his boss?

Why didn't he go and pick up the DC? I don't understand why you had to rush out and do it. It was his mistake, he should have fixed it.

He went into school a few weeks ago without prompt from me and asked them to Include him in the communications and add his email to the list... Odd why was he not on the list as a matter of course ?

..when you actually read over all your posts you sound very dismissive of him overall and you do say you are " over protective " and you have asked him to step up levels bah blah . It's not a competition between you and him with child rearing but he did let you down today, I agree . Joint calendar - do you have this ? A reminder wouldn't have been out of line - you're supposed to be a team.

How were your DCs? My DH forgot to collect our DC once. I was so annoyed about it and I was worried about how the DC would be since they worry about everything. However the DC were fine.
So yy I understand why you're annoyed but it's also something that happens a lot (as you can see from this thread) and after making it clear you weren't happy, I wouldn't be dwelling on it.

Your burnout and ill health, op? I wonder if that could have been avoided if your h had taken on some of the mental load?

Yanbu. Not overreacting at all. 💐

I just feel drained as I now know I can't rely on him and if I have to send him reminders for everything then its another thing for me to remember. He did say I should have reminded him as I'd reminded the children it was daddy picking up and I told him he's not one if the dc.

This would be playing into his hands. I would be handing over more responsibility for pick ups/drop offs and not giving reminders.

We make mistakes. It's the decisions he made after that would really p* me off!

Does he travel for work? Does he forget that he’s married with kids then?
I think you should ask him to consider the fact that you may as well entirely forget that you’re married to him one day. Ask how he’d feel about that.

@Bonniegirlie

I would be more annoyed about the fact that he lied to try and get out of trouble and tried to gaslight you before admitting her forgot. He could have set an alarm on his phone to remind himself. If you're forgetful (like me) you make sure you get a reminder somehow. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to rip him a new one so to speak

Just coming on here to say exactly this!

I'd be incandescent. The bar for fathers is so fucking low.
Hope your kids are ok

It is interesting @IamGusFring that you see it as the OP’s responsibility to give a reminder “as they are supposed to be a team”. I don’t know why because imo once someone has accepted a responsibility, it is up to them to meet it. Giving reminders just takes away the sense of responsibility. Also it doesn’t seem to work the other way - how many men give reminders to their dp’s to pick up their dc? I work in a male dominated finance sector, where men have complex responsibilities that they are very capable of managing and meeting - and honestly it would benefit them to manage their responsibility for their dc by themselves.

@Asurvivor

It is interesting *@IamGusFring* that you see it as the OP’s responsibility to give a reminder “as they are supposed to be a team”. I don’t know why because imo once someone has accepted a responsibility, it is up to them to meet it. Giving reminders just takes away the sense of responsibility. Also it doesn’t seem to work the other way - how many men give reminders to their dp’s to pick up their dc? I work in a male dominated finance sector, where men have complex responsibilities that they are very capable of managing and meeting - and honestly it would benefit them to manage their responsibility for their dc by themselves.

I see it as a small thing - it's not every day . I'm part of a team . My H will say to me " remember to do such and such " - it's not a big deal for me .

The gaslighting is disgusting. Forgetting can happen but to then lie about it because you don't like to admit you're wrong or say sorry is just too much.

DH and I take it in turns to drop or pick. Even now one of us will send a quick 'your turn' text to each other as a reminder. It's mostly for peace of mind, but honestly as we both head to our in mid 40s, we would forget our heads if they were screwed on! I do think it's easily done, we are so busy and loos track when head is in work.

My DH once fell asleep on the sofa just before he was meant to get our DD from nursery as he was 'a bit early' and thought he would 'just close his eyes for 5 mins' I haven't quite let him forgot that one

Also work and life are two very different things - I know women who work in very high finance jobs but they can't remember to buy food for their children 🤔 and have empty fridges.

@EgdonHeath

From the other side... my mum asked my dad to collect us from school once (can't think why - there must have been some enormous reason for it). He forgot.

These were the days long before mobile phones, so he had to be found at work via his secretary. He eventually turned up looking very sheepish. My siblings and I teased him mercilessly.

Our mum was cross with him for about five minutes.

Then we all got on with our lives.

In a way it was easier, because nobody in the 70s and 80s really spent time working out who was carrying more of the mental load, etc, etc, etc. Mum was a SAHM (as were all the mothers of the girls in my form), Dad was a bit of a workaholic. He did no domestic stuff, ever, but washed the cars and put petrol in them, and mowed the lawn. He's in his 70s and I don't think he has ever once switched a domestic applicance of any description on.

Despite all this, and despite having left us sitting on a wall unattended because he forgot about us, he is the best, funniest, kindest, loveliest dad anyone could wish to have. So I think it's possible to make too big a deal out of a small thing. Especially as, OP, your husband did eventually say he forgot, and apologised.

Those were the days where things were simpler and people weren't frazzled and outraged over everything. Bring those days back.

Pretending to never have known would piss me right off but surely others have forgotten to pick their kids up before. I've forgotten twice.

Once I didn't pick dd up from nursery. I was either very pregnant or had a newborn. Weather was vile. It was a day that a friend picked ds1 up from school. Dh was working from home. I even commented to dh on how glad I was I didn't have to go out again and he agreed with me. Oops!

Then one day I forgot to pick up from school and get the baby from the childminder. I had been on nights. Got up then sat on the sofa and went back to sleep. School didn't even call me, they called the childminder, clearly she was far more reliable than me. The absolute wonder woman that she is she got the dc and brought them plus baby back to my house for me before I'd even managed to understand what happened and get out of my pjs.

I guess every relationship is different @IamGusFring, but I am relieved that if it is my dp’s turn to pick up, then he does that and I don’t have to worry whether he will or remember to remind him. It would be exhausting to be running around after him reminding him to do things. He doesn’t remind me either, we are both responsible adults and our dc come first.

Eventually got hold of him and he says he didn't know about this and claims he was never supposed to pick them up. He acted dumb then defensive.

This would infuriate me more than the actual forgetting of picking up the kids. Does he often make out that you’re the crazy one when he does stupid things?

YANBU Op, you are not overreacting at all. I would be speechless with rage. Anyone can forget, but you'd think he'd be mortified at stressing the kids, if nothing else.

You’re not unreasonable to be upset at all. The fact it’s not the first time even more so. He could have set himself a reminder, you’re not his mum, and you and your children should be able to rely on him. The fact he tried to gaslight you about it is deplorable.

I can understand forgetting something that’s not part of your normal routine but on the other hand, it’s not the first time and there were actual issues around this particular day and he obviously either hadn’t been paying attention, or didn’t think it warranted him paying attention.

“ Those were the days where things were simpler and people weren't frazzled”

😂

You need to get a family calendar app. So everyone can see all the information, get all the reminders etc.

Family life needs to be organised in the exact same way as work life. Calendars, apps, reminders… expecting to just remember is setting yourself up for failure.