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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:
Mynameismargot · 28/10/2021 18:33

Just rip the bandage off and do it. It doesn't seem like there is going to be a way to do it where she won't kick off. I hope you get the house, it sounds like it will be great for you all.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/10/2021 18:33

Yikes.

Can you text or write her instead of a conversation?

I mean if the outcome is she decides not to speak to , that sounds like a win for you.

ohfourfoxache · 28/10/2021 18:33

Bite the bullet, tell her when everything is finalised then turn your phone off

You don’t need that sort of shit

CaveMum · 28/10/2021 18:33

Don’t tell her until the deal is done and dusted. If she wants to sulk about it and refuse to talk to you then that’s a win in my book.

Your mum doesn’t get to dictate where you live. Stop being concerned about other people’s reactions and focus on yourself/your family.

Original poster
umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:35

@Mynameismargot

Just rip the bandage off and do it. It doesn't seem like there is going to be a way to do it where she won't kick off. I hope you get the house, it sounds like it will be great for you all.
Thank you so much! I really hope so too - it would also be a huge improvement for my mental health and my little boy will finally have a garden.
OP posts:
Monsterpumpkins · 28/10/2021 18:36

Ring her. Tell her and be prepared to hang up if she becomes angry or abusive. She has absolutely no right to rain on your parade.....
Congratulations on making the break. Sounds well deserved.

Clymene · 28/10/2021 18:37

Wait until it's a done deal and send her a WhatsApp. Tell her how excited you are to have found such a brilliant home for you and your family and you can't wait to show her.

Basically just pretend you don't know she's going to go apeshit. And when she does, just keep saying "aren't you happy for me mum?"

Yarboosucks · 28/10/2021 18:37

You can enable your mother's hysteria by remaining or you can help her by moving a bit further way and showing that the world keeps on spinning....

How old is she? Does she have health issues? Is your DF on the scene?

Throughabushbackwards · 28/10/2021 18:38

It sounds like moving away from your mother is the one thing you most definitely need to do

2catsandhappy · 28/10/2021 18:39

Move. Then tell her.
I hope you are in your new place for a wonderful Christmas!
xx

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 28/10/2021 18:40

This is an absolutely no-brainer.

Oh, and just so you know - anyone who screams in your face doesn’t really deserve the care and consideration you are going out of your way to provide. She’s created this, not you.

All the very best in your new home - it sounds perfect!

AnotherEmma · 28/10/2021 18:41

"how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?"

You don't. She's going to have a tantrum however you tell her. So just tell her and don't engage with the tantrum. Hang up or block if she becomes abusive.

Do not feel the need to explain, justify or defend your choices. You don't have to persuade her of anything (and you are unlikely to succeed). It's your life and your right to choose. So keep it short and factual. "We are moving to x"

stillonthattightrope · 28/10/2021 18:42

Text her then mute or block her for a few days. She's going to kick off so let her.

Ignore ignore ignore.

bestcattoyintheworld · 28/10/2021 18:42

Just do it lass. My mother hurled a milk bottle at me when I told her I wanted to move out into a bedsit. I did it anyway and never looked back.

Sort out your new place and enjoy the freedom.

Strangevipers · 28/10/2021 18:43

Mum, I'm moving 45 mins away

yourestandingonmyneck · 28/10/2021 18:44

If she screamed in your face why are you bothered about moving away from her?

girlmom21 · 28/10/2021 18:45

She screamed in your face? Move and then drop her a text with your new address.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 28/10/2021 18:47

I really sympathise, my mum is emotionally quite controlling and it can be scary.

What helps me is to repeat to myself that my responsibility to do what’s right for my dc is unarguably more important than keeping another adult happy, even if that person is my mum.

It would be nice to have a great relationship with her too but I’m not going to structure my life to suit her at the expense of my own DC.

It’s obvious of course but it helps to keep re-articulating it to yourself!

maddy68 · 28/10/2021 18:49

Just tell her. I had to tell my mum I was moving to a different country. It's tough so do it quick and say it excitingly. All mums want their children to be happy so if she sees you light up then she will be happy for you

QueenDanu · 28/10/2021 18:52

Well, I'd let her know that you've noticed she gave you the silent treatment the last time you suggested moving away but that that does not change anything, it's just always going to be there, the memory that she gave you the silent treatment when you told her your news.

Good luck. My mother is a nightmare as well.

QueenDanu · 28/10/2021 18:53

@girlmom21

She screamed in your face? Move and then drop her a text with your new address.
Is 45 minutes away far enough?
Wolfiefan · 28/10/2021 18:53

Wait until you’re certain it’s going ahead.
Don’t tell her face to face.
If she kicks off then hang up.

Go as low contact as you need to.

AnotherEmma · 28/10/2021 18:53

"All mums want their children to be happy so if she sees you light up then she will be happy for you"

What a load of nonsense.

Clearly no experience of dysfunctional parents and no capacity to imagine that all parents are not the same!

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 28/10/2021 18:55

Go for it, put the deposit down, make sure it's all secured & finalised and you have a moving date to look forward to. Then ring her with your partner therevfor support & tell her how excited & relieved you are to have found a lovely home where DS has a garden to play in & you are sure she will be happy for you all.
Let it play out & focus on the very many positives for your family.
You will look back on this with relief!

QueenDanu · 28/10/2021 18:57

Yeh, as @anotheremma says, unfortunately, what my mum wants is that I reinforce her rosy perception of herself. She doesn't have the self awareness to realise that that is what she really needs from me.
She needs that from me and gets angry if I don't provide that while simultaneously believing that she loves me and wants me to be happy. Sometimes she does such hurtful things and then gets angry if I have a hurt reaction.

It's a total headfuck. I'm only unravelling myself at 51

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