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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:

woodhill · 28/10/2021 19:57

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

Sounds like they would do that if you stayed - how dare they

gofg · 28/10/2021 19:58

Oh sorry, I've just seen your update. Well, it's done now and honestly I wouldn't waste any more time stressing about it. They sound like a horrible pair, and I would be going NC for a while at least. Just concentrate on your exciting move and forget about them.

KatieKat88 · 28/10/2021 19:58

OP if you start feeling guilty about this, ask yourself if you'd ever intentionally make your son feel like they've made you feel just for moving (not even that far away!) No you wouldn't, this is not a normal or fair reaction.

Coyoacan · 28/10/2021 19:59

Wow. Well you've clearly made the right decision. I'd block them

Congratulations on the new house, OP. It is easy for me to say and not for you, but I think you might be better off without those people in your life.

OakPine · 28/10/2021 19:59

Remember you have done nothing wrong here. You are trying to make a better life for your child.
Your mother is not extending that courtesy to you. She is only thinking of herself.
Enjoy your new home! Don't be tempted to apologise to smooth things over. Your parents do not sound like nice people.

Monsterpumpkins · 28/10/2021 20:01

Well true colours shown or what? Imo you need to keep your dc away from them. No unsupervised contact. They will I fear try and turn your dc against you.. And any regular contact /overnight access could be used against you if they try for legal access...
Make tonight the start of the new tougher you. A great start made already.. They are bloody awful sadly op...

flashy44 · 28/10/2021 20:01

Your mum should be happy that you and your family are getting a bigger place with good schools etc in the area,if she kicks off she has not got your best interests at heart,do whats best for your family ,enjoy your new home without guilt

UltimateBugKilla · 28/10/2021 20:02

Tell her your moving to Australia, then when she gets over the shock 45 mins away won't seem so bad 😁

Jeschara · 28/10/2021 20:02

You have done nothing wrong. My daughter lives 35 mins away from me. It's not a huge journey.
Your Stepdad showed his true colours and you are all better of moving away from them. They are manipulative bullies.

TidyOmlette · 28/10/2021 20:02

You need to do what’s best for your little family and prioritise your child having a better life. If a garden to play in means that then do it. Don’t hang around for her to be happy, she’ll never be unless your next door at her beck and call.

Go for it. Life’s too short

Marleymoo42 · 28/10/2021 20:03

I wouldn't have my children near anyone who got up in my face and shouted and swore at me. They're the ones who will mess your dc up.

Its 45 mins. A lot of people commute to work further.

Your dc will have good schools and a garden. I moved for the same reasons. Best choice I ever made.

Wombat49 · 28/10/2021 20:03

Nah, you'll be just fine.

It's OK to love your mum but not like her very much.

They sound bonkers.

Best thing I ever did for my MH moving 6 hrs away. I'm closer now but a bit of distance is helpful if you suffer from fear, obligation & guilt.

Musmerian · 28/10/2021 20:04

@maddy68

Just tell her. I had to tell my mum I was moving to a different country. It's tough so do it quick and say it excitingly. All mums want their children to be happy so if she sees you light up then she will be happy for you

Sadly this is very much not true.

UltimateBugKilla · 28/10/2021 20:05

Sorry, missed the update, I'm so sorry you was spoken to like that, 45 mins doesn't seem far enough.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 28/10/2021 20:06

I would give your mum little chance as possible to cause a drama (I'm sure she will still try going by your OP)

"Me and DP viewed a house in xxxxx town and put a deposit down today its lovely, has 3 bedrooms bla bla bla the schools are great and we couldn't not take it"

If she screams and shouts act confused, tell her that it is a strange reaction and leave.

Good luck in the new house OP it sounds great.

Staryflight445 · 28/10/2021 20:07

Yeah no. You’d fuck them up by continuing to enable them. They’d not have a thing to do with me anymore after that.

DeireadhFomhair · 28/10/2021 20:09

Sorry you've had such an awful reaction
I think you now need to move and cut them out of your life!

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 28/10/2021 20:09

Well teaches me to skim read. Missed the update OP they sound like bastards and hopefully you can now move guilt free and start fresh.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/10/2021 20:10

@umwhyisthishappening

I'd be telling them both to fuck off. Enjoy your new home op.

SausageSizzle · 28/10/2021 20:10

Given how unreasonable they're being, I would tell them that actually you're thinking about emigrating to Australia in a year or so. See how they like that.

Crinkle77 · 28/10/2021 20:10

With a mother like that I'd say you're better off being 45mins away.

Iratus · 28/10/2021 20:11

Tell her you are emigrating to Australia. Then when it turns out that actually you will only be 45 mins away it’ll be a huge relief to her!

Loudestcat14 · 28/10/2021 20:12

@umwhyisthishappening

Remember their reaction and use it to remind yourself that you are absolutely, 100% doing the right thing moving away from them if ever doubt creeps in. She's sounds unhinged, he sounds vile. Your son is going to be far from fucked up living away from them, he's going to be safe from their toxicity.

JudgeJ · 28/10/2021 20:13

@Ragwort

That's shocking ... my DPs moved away from me

- 300 miles - I was delighted for them.

My DS currently lives 150 miles away, he's got a great new job, why wouldn't I be pleased for him?

Move away and enjoy your freedom.

I can't get over the fact that some people think that 45 minutes is a long way!

Pallisers · 28/10/2021 20:13

@umwhyisthishappening

I think the less time your son spends with these awful people the better.

Good luck with the new move (are you sure 45 minutes is far enough??)

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