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Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:
Clymene · 28/10/2021 19:28

Well they're dreadful people. I'm very sorry.

MrsMattMurdock · 28/10/2021 19:28

Pfft the only thing that'll fuck your son up is hanging around with them thinking that's how you treat people.

FirewomanSam · 28/10/2021 19:28

Oh OP I’m so sorry, I really hope you know that this is NOT NORMAL and that you are NOT the problem here. No decent grandparent would insist their grandchild lives in a tiny flat to be close to them when there are better options not even that far away! My mum lives about an hour away from my nephew (her grandchild) and she still sees him all the time. She’d never make his parents feel guilty for not being on her doorstep.

You are a good parent and you’re doing what’s best for your child and the same clearly cannot be said for your own mum, which is really sad but absolutely not on you to change.

Good luck in your lovely new home! Flowers

Doomscrolling · 28/10/2021 19:28

I hope you are happy in your lovely new home and enjoy the space away from such toxic behaviour.

You deserve to be treated better Flowers

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/10/2021 19:31

Don’t give them your new address. They sound like dreadful people.

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 28/10/2021 19:33

Just do it my lovely. You know she is going to be a right harridan about it so be prepared for that because she would behave like it even of you moved 10 minutes away!! It's your life don't spend it miserably just to keep her happy!

Inthemuckheap · 28/10/2021 19:34

Well done OP. Wishing you much happiness in your new home away from those controlling people. Hopefully your mum will see sense but if she doesn't it's her loss.

ManifestingWisdom · 28/10/2021 19:35

Resist the temptation to go back to them to try and smooth things over.

Sit with the excruciating awkwardness until it passes, a little.

If you do that, you're unenmeshing yourself from caring that she is angry with you.

prettypinkflamingo · 28/10/2021 19:35

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
Well done for doing it OP. They sound horrendous! Your new life is going to be wonderful.!
gluenotsoup · 28/10/2021 19:35

Chin up, and go and be happy in your new home. You are doing what you need to do to make a better life for you and your child. The distance between you and your family will give you breathing space where you are not judged and allow you time to just be you. Be positive and confident. X

MissAlquist · 28/10/2021 19:37

45 minutes is nothing!
If you're worried about telling her, make sure it's a done deal and you've signed on the dotted line, then send her a link to the listing, saying what a brilliant house this is, excellent for schools, a garden for DS, comfort, space, enjoyment of life...
Best wishes for you and your family in your new home Smilex

muddyford · 28/10/2021 19:38

I live five hours from my mother. It's grim.

AnotherEmma · 28/10/2021 19:39

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
Why did you visit and tell them in person? Agree with PPs that you need to work on boundaries pronto. If you can get counselling I'm sure that would be very helpful.
Cocolapew · 28/10/2021 19:39

Don't give them your new address, enjoy your new home Flowers

Cheeseandlobster · 28/10/2021 19:39

Well done op. Your ds is what matters and seeing his face when he gets his very own garden will make all of this worthwhile. Your mum and stepdad are nasty selfish bastards. How dare they.

Yogawankonobi · 28/10/2021 19:40

They have proven why you need to go!
Don’t cry.

MissAlquist · 28/10/2021 19:41

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
You're not going to fuck him up. He will be going to an awesome school, make some ace friends and have an excellent life. All the best, OP x
merrymouse · 28/10/2021 19:41

but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

If she genuinely cares about you there won’t be a huge fallout. If this does prompt a huge fallout you were right to move.

Lindy2 · 28/10/2021 19:42

Crikey. I think moving 45 minutes away is definitely a good thing. You're a parent with your own child now and they're your priority. Your mum sounds absolutely overwhelming. A 45 minute journey is not abandoning her but it's far enough that you can independently live your life, like an adult should be able to, without fear of someone screaming at them.

merrymouse · 28/10/2021 19:42

Sorry, didn’t read whole thread.

It looks like you have made the right decision!!!!

SunnyLeaf · 28/10/2021 19:42

Have you actually put the deposit down now?

ohfourfoxache · 28/10/2021 19:43

Sounds like moving away is the best thing you could possibly do

authenticforgery · 28/10/2021 19:43

These people are abusive. Move and don't give them your new address.

achara · 28/10/2021 19:44

From reading this I would say you will feck your son up more by being in contact with these abusive people.

WonderfulYou · 28/10/2021 19:45

Don’t tell her until the deal is done and dusted. If she wants to sulk about it and refuse to talk to you then that’s a win in my book.

I agree.

Don’t say anything until it’s done else you will have weeks/months of sulking.
When you move act like you are really happy and you wanted it to be a surprise and not that you’d kept her in the dark to hurt her. If she goes off on one then great, it means you don’t have to contact her for a couple of weeks until she apologises.

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