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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:
ooft · 28/10/2021 19:45

So she'd rather have her grandchild grow up without a garden than see him happy?

mbosnz · 28/10/2021 19:46

Wait until the deal is done, and then tell her. Then run like hell and leave her to have her tanty. She'll deal. Ultimately.

WonderfulYou · 28/10/2021 19:46

Sorry just read your last update!

I’m so sorry you have a shit, non-supportive family. My mum is controlling and manipulative too so I know how you feel.

I would use them being so rude as a way to not have any contact for a while. They are supposed to be happy to for and your son.

ShrillSiren · 28/10/2021 19:47

They're abusive and it's a good thing that you're moving further away. Next time I'd go even further TBH.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 28/10/2021 19:47

Agree with @AnotherEmma - after starting this thread asking how to tell them, I’m surprised you went round there in person to subject yourself to that.

Anyway. Onwards and upwards. Confirmation that you’ve made the right decision.

WonderfulYou · 28/10/2021 19:47

Put the deposit down ASAP please don’t wait until it’s too late because they’ve made you feel guilty.

dontdillydallytoolong · 28/10/2021 19:48

Did your mum’s mum dictate where your mum lived?

Popopopo · 28/10/2021 19:48

Oh OP, I feel for you. We're also moving 45 minutes away...my parents are helping us move, we havent told Mil yet but I'm fully expecting her to burst into tears Sad you're absolutely doing the right thing and your son is not going to benefit from having people like that in his life. 45 mins is nothing, you can still pop round, what is their problem??

BrizzleMaverick · 28/10/2021 19:49

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
Well done for telling them. But what the hell is wrong with them, 45 minutes is no time at all, don't they drive? Surely they want you to have a nice home and their grandson to have space to grow and play. Maybe you will now see them less on a weekly basis but by their reaction that doesn't sound a bad thing.

Best of luck in the new place!!

Joystir59 · 28/10/2021 19:49

Well done op

Chicchicchicchiclana · 28/10/2021 19:49

Tell her you're moving to Australia.

godmum56 · 28/10/2021 19:50

well done on your courage. Be happy in your new home. I'd go NC as well.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/10/2021 19:50

Tell her. I've made a similar mistake breaking my neck to stay in an area beside loved ones.
45 minutes isn't far.

FallingStar21 · 28/10/2021 19:50

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Tell her you're moving to Australia.
I second that Grin
DaisyNGO · 28/10/2021 19:51

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
Oh no I was about to suggest you move first and tell her after

Don't give them the address!

It sounds terrific, it will be great for you and your family. Flowers

AluckyEllie · 28/10/2021 19:51

Don’t tell her your new address and go non-contact. Do you want you son around people like that, your step dad sounds like a bully.

Ionsion · 28/10/2021 19:51

If you were my daughter I would be pleased for you and encouraging you to do it. This sounds like a good move for you and your children and they have to come first.

ivykaty44 · 28/10/2021 19:52

I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me -

id be messaging

im moving 45 minutes away,

hopefully she'll not be talking to you and you'll have more peace

woodhill · 28/10/2021 19:52

Very selfish and controlling of her.

Don't rise to it op

sbhydrogen · 28/10/2021 19:54

Good job on doing that, OP. Sounds like moving is for the best. Enjoy the house!

SuperbFoolish · 28/10/2021 19:54

Sounds like a very toxic relationship. Your mother has no say where you live. When I was 22, I told my mother I was moving to another continent and I never lived in the same country as her again.
Do what you need to do. Sign the contract and send her a text. It's your life. Unfortunately for her, parents have no right to tell their grown-up kids how or where to live their lives. You don't owe anything to her, just because she's your mom (BTW I do love my own mother very much, but would not take any attempt to guilt trip or control the way l live my life)

TableFlowerss · 28/10/2021 19:55

If you wanted to move to Africa then she’d have to get over it. Fancy guilt tripping your child 🙄 tell her if she wants to pay then you’ll move next door, if not, tell her to pipe down.

gofg · 28/10/2021 19:55

Just tell her and then walk away. Your mother is behaving like a spoilt child - most mothers want what is best for their DC. You are moving 45 minutes away, not to the other side of the world (although even if you were she should accept it with grace). If she screams at you just tell her you will not put up with that sort of nonsense - and mean it - and if she gives you the silent treatment then just leave her be. Your priority is your family and what is best for them (and you).

Horst · 28/10/2021 19:56

Your mum and step dad are bad shit op.

We are possibly moving to the other side of the city. I’ve haha floated the idea to my parents. I know they will be sad to be so far apart but they would never scream or shout or tell me I was doing wrong.

Suspiciousmind20 · 28/10/2021 19:57

Well done OP. By their response you are making the right decision. I’m fact, can you get anywhere further away? Rather than damaging your DC I feel that you are actually protecting them. This is not normal behaviour. Well done for getting away.