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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:
HarrisMcCoo · 28/10/2021 20:14

My own mother would like me to live in same region as her but we can't afford it. Sounds like you are doing what is best for your lifestyle. Go for it.

I am a 45 minute drive from my own parents. Close enough, but far enough away too😬

Romeiswheretheheartis · 28/10/2021 20:14

45 mins is nothing, we go for days out that are longer journeys than that. If I lived that near to my parents I'd think nothing of popping over for the afternoon, so I really don't see why they are being so awful about it. As it is, I live 4 hrs away, and dd is perfectly well adjusted and manages to have a good relationship with them.

The house sounds lovely for your family. Stick to your guns.

TrickOrTreat21x · 28/10/2021 20:15

Go home and celebrate your getting away from extremely toxic people and your son's and your mental health will be better for it!
It's awful kids being round people like that, trust me. Been there done that now happily no contact. Grin

NoSquirrels · 28/10/2021 20:15

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
Well, they sound delightful. Thoroughly charming and a great influence for your DS.

I wouldn’t give them your new address.

PlainOldMe80 · 28/10/2021 20:16

The new house sounds amazing with plenty of space to play, run, etc for your toddler to grow up! Plus good schools!

Your mum might snap out of it, she might not but moving definitely seems to be the best thing to do!

Wiredforsound · 28/10/2021 20:16

That’s not normal behaviour, and it’s definitely not acceptable behaviour. You absolutely have the right to move and a responsibility to do what’s best for you and your family. This reinforces how good the move will be. Not only is it further away from these awful manipulative people, but it has space, good schools, and a garden. Any parent who doesn’t want what’s in the best interest of their child isn’t a good parent. Yours would prefer you to be stuck in a small flat than in a house that meets your needs. That’s incredibly selfish.

Iratus · 28/10/2021 20:16

Apologies - didn’t see the update.

peoniesandpastels · 28/10/2021 20:17

Based on your update, I think putting bit of distance between you and them is absolutely for the best. What an awful reaction. I would be thinking seriously about how much of a role I would want these people to have in my child's life moving forward.

LittleDandelionClock · 28/10/2021 20:18

Blimey @umwhyisthishappening she sounds like such hard work! No wonder you want to move away.

As many posters have said, just move, and ignore your bratty mother.

How many miles is it btw? '45 minutes' could be 45 miles, or 10-15 miles, depending on where you live!

HarrisonStickle · 28/10/2021 20:18

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
I think the very last thing you're going to do is fuck up your son! Sounds like you're ensuring he doesn't have these toxic people in his lives all the time!
saleorbouy · 28/10/2021 20:19

FFS it's only 45mins away, it's hardly another country! She need to get a grip there are plenty of people who live away from their parents.
Does she really expect to limit your life to a small radius around her.

LittleDandelionClock · 28/10/2021 20:20

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
WTF does he mean by THAT? You will fuck your son up?!
bravefox · 28/10/2021 20:20

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
Your parents need to get a grip. Absolutely ridiculous reaction. Entitled nonsense.

My kids GPs all live overseas, wonder what they'd think about that!

CharityDingle · 28/10/2021 20:21

Best of luck in your new home, OP. I would keep putting more distance between you and them, tbh. They sound horrible.

BreathingDeep · 28/10/2021 20:23

Oh OP, you poor thing. Plenty of TLC for you this evening and please know this is not you, this is ALL on them.

The good news is you've done it - you'll never have to do that again. So it went badly, but then what have you lost? Absolutely nothing, other than the freedom to live your life in a place you want to be, away from their bullying and manipulation.

Well done. Be proud of yourself for being so brave to tell them, and for making the decision to put your child and your own needs before theirs - I suspect this is the first time they've had to deal with it. Now it's done, establish some boundaries that work for you even if it means no contact. You can do this. It'll be hell of a lot easier from 45 mins away!

Well done. You did it.

HesterShaw1 · 28/10/2021 20:23

Get it sorted then tell her.

Honestly 45 minutes is nothing

saleorbouy · 28/10/2021 20:23

Just read your last post, ow mean and unsupportive of your choices for you and your son. You need to spread your wings and fly girl, get some independence!
They need to get some perspective on this.

HesterShaw1 · 28/10/2021 20:24

So sorry, just saw update.

Have a stiff drink. You've done the right thing.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 28/10/2021 20:24

Oh come on. Shaking and crying in the car? You can't be serious.

If your parents cannot handle you living 45 minutes away they are abusive and don't deserve the time of day, you should cut them off completely for being utter fucking twits.

Your family (you included OP) needs to stop and have a little think about how the other half lives.

Twofurrycats · 28/10/2021 20:24

Enjoy your new house. I would go very, very low contact them.

Redjumper1 · 28/10/2021 20:27

All mums want their children to be happy so if she sees you light up then she will be happy for you.

😂 😂 😂

Pallisers · 28/10/2021 20:28

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Oh come on. Shaking and crying in the car? You can't be serious.

If your parents cannot handle you living 45 minutes away they are abusive and don't deserve the time of day, you should cut them off completely for being utter fucking twits.

Your family (you included OP) needs to stop and have a little think about how the other half lives.

I take it you've never been the subject of a scary abusive verbal attack by a family member. I have. I was crying and shaking afterwards and I am not an emotional or dramatic person.

And OP can't make her family stop and have a "little think" about anything. Telling her to think about how the other half lives means nothing other than getting a generic dig in. like what other half? The half that has non-abusive parents? I presume she thinks about this all the time? The half that aren't moving 45 minutes away? Why? The half that can't eat and have no shelter? Again why? what relevance does it have to the OP?

Mydogmylife · 28/10/2021 20:31

@maddy68

Just tell her. I had to tell my mum I was moving to a different country. It's tough so do it quick and say it excitingly. All mums want their children to be happy so if she sees you light up then she will be happy for you
Is it nice living in Disney world?
BluebellsGreenbells · 28/10/2021 20:32

Congratulations on a new house and garden.

Ignore them, start planning how you are going to live in the house and plan fun things to do in the neighborhood.

You can forget to give them the new address and maybe change number …, you could always block your number when you ring them, but you seriously need to step back and take some time away from their selfishness.

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/10/2021 20:34

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Oh come on. Shaking and crying in the car? You can't be serious.

If your parents cannot handle you living 45 minutes away they are abusive and don't deserve the time of day, you should cut them off completely for being utter fucking twits.

Your family (you included OP) needs to stop and have a little think about how the other half lives.

Honestly, I think it might be you who needs to stop and have a little think about how other peoples lives might be...

OP, well done, now move, don't pass on the address and raise your son not to be anything like these vile people!