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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:

kweeble · 28/10/2021 19:01

She really should be pleased for you - I'd keep it quiet until it's all organised so she can't ruin it for you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/10/2021 19:02

"A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me"

She screamed in your face ? Move first, then tell her. By the sounds of it, maybe don't tell her your new address either.

You don't have to accept being treated like this. She cannot force you to be around. She can be a pain to you to try to force you, but you can cut her out of your life if need be. It honestly sounds like something you should consider.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 28/10/2021 19:03

Good God what an awful woman. I’d be tempted to just move and not tell her, go NC.

Ragwort · 28/10/2021 19:04

That's shocking ... my DPs moved away from me - 300 miles - I was delighted for them.

My DS currently lives 150 miles away, he's got a great new job, why wouldn't I be pleased for him?

Move away and enjoy your freedom.

RightOnTheEdge · 28/10/2021 19:04

If someone treated me like that I'd move 45 hours away.
The house sounds perfect OP. Just tell her afterwards and do it by phone so you can just hang up if she starts screaming.
Good luck in your new home!

Cuntness · 28/10/2021 19:05

Do you have to tell her?

Yogawankonobi · 28/10/2021 19:06

Tell her by text when you have a moving date. Not before in case it falls through.

Remember, you are an adult.

HeronLanyon · 28/10/2021 19:06

Bloody hell op sorry you’ve had to deal with this.
If it were me I’d sort it all and possibly even move. Then tell her - not fact to face but by phone. Or by phone just before you move.

Work out beforehand whether you are giving her your new address just yet. And whether you want to say eg ‘don’t worry we’ll still see each other it’s only 45 mins’.
What a nightmare. Good luck and we’ll done for moving on.

clockledd · 28/10/2021 19:09

Do you have the same mum as me?! Identical situation a few years ago. I just told her. She flipped, as anticipated. I did it over the phone so we'd both have time to process the news before speaking again. She still goes on about it now several years down the line, how much I've hurt her by moving, etc. I just remind myself that it was the right decision for me, DH and DC. We are far happier here. Remember you are not responsible for your DM's emotions. Good luck.

Couchbettato · 28/10/2021 19:13

It sounds what's best for you. Go for it. Your mum should want what's best for you. Any other reaction and she doesn't deserve the time of day.

katseyes7 · 28/10/2021 19:14

I moved 100 miles away 9 years ago.
I'd told her l was going to, she came up with every excuse and reason why l shouldn't. So l made all the arrangements and didn't tell her until the week before, when l had the keys and the removal firm was booked.
I gave her a large print sheet with my new address on (she was in her 80s) and said "That's my new phone number."
She said "Well l won't be ringing it...." and nor did she.
I drove up there every week to see her, and every week l got complaints, manipulation ("I wasn't going to say anything, but l haven't been well..." and "So are you coming back here when the six months is up?"
I'd signed a 12 month lease on my apartment. I had a job. So no, l wasn't. Nor did l. I'm still here.
And when l called her, she'd say "I can't talk to you" and put the phone down on me.
But l stayed in my new place. I had to. For my own sanity and self preservation.
And you have to do it for you and your family, OP. Don't be bullied or manipulated into pandering to her. You have a life too.
Good luck in your new home x

Original poster

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 19:17

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2021 19:18

Good grief, op, you have got to take control and create some serious boundaries. You shouldn't tolerate behaviour like that from anyone, even your mother. Whatever reaction she has is not your problem or responsibility, so be prepared to ignore and go lc for as long as needed.

BigYellowHat · 28/10/2021 19:18

‘Mum, I’m moving. Here’s my address’

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2021 19:19

@umwhyisthishappening

Dry your eyes, op. They are horrible, manipulative arseholes. Block them from your phone and take some serious time away from them.

freshcarnation · 28/10/2021 19:21

Wow. Well you've clearly made the right decision. I'd block them

Roselilly36 · 28/10/2021 19:21

You need to do what’s best for your family, 45mins is nothing, hour & a half round trip is doable. Good luck in your new home OP.

YodaiamsaidI · 28/10/2021 19:21

I can't believe 5% said you abu,I hope you get the house up and all the best x

Lndnmummy · 28/10/2021 19:22

I am so sorry OP. Please protect yourself and your family from them. What they are doing to you is abusive. Its not you darling, its them.

CaveMum · 28/10/2021 19:23

I’m so sorry they reacted that way. They sound awful, for goodness sake don’t give them the new address, just move and enjoy your life. They have your phone number so can contact you when they’re ready to apologise.

BogRollBOGOF · 28/10/2021 19:23

@umwhyisthishappening

I was going to say wait until its imminent, but well done for getting it over with.

Now ignore any childish tantrums about it.
It's a great move for your family. Enjoy it. Don't let their sour grapes spoil it. Grey rock any complaints and if they go quiet, so much the better.

(I think I remember the previous thread, it sounds familiar).

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 28/10/2021 19:23

Moving away from these awful people - who I know you love but who are awful to and for you - is the best thing you can do for yourself and your son.

Well done OP.

QueenDanu · 28/10/2021 19:25

@umwhyisthishappening

Stand firm in the truth that have done nothing wrong. 💐

SockFluffInTheBath · 28/10/2021 19:25

@Lndnmummy

I am so sorry OP. Please protect yourself and your family from them. What they are doing to you is abusive. Its not you darling, its them.

This. I hope it all goes through ok and the move is easy. I can see why you’d want to move away from this.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 28/10/2021 19:27

well done!

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