14 year old actively trying to get pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hoping someone can give me some advice.
Sorry if it’s in the wrong place.

Has anyone had a 14 year old get pregnant?

My daughter behaviour has deteriorated since she met a boy 3 weeks ago.

To the point we now have social services involvement as she told the school I hit her on a regular basis (I don’t)

Had the police out every day last week as she was running away.

She is now actively trying to get pregnant.
Refusing to take the pill or morning after pill.

Does anyone know what happens if she gets pregnant? Can she move somewhere like a mother and baby unit?

Can she claim money?

I’m at my wits end and my mental health is really suffering.

I’ve tried talking to her about how hard it would be and that she should get her educations first, school have tried talking to her. She’s not listening.

Apparently this boys parents are actively encouraging it.

Social services or the police won’t help me. I can’t lock her up in the house as she shoves me and I have my 10 year old here.

I’m so lost and scared. Can anyone help?

When I was at school I remember there was a young "couple" having sex. Their parents reported them to the police for underage sex. The police went round and gave the boy a stern warning.

social has said I cannot confiscate her phone

Bollocks. She is 14 and I bet you pay the bills. If you want to confiscate it then damned well confiscate it.

@Welshiefluff

*social has said I cannot confiscate her phone

Bollocks. She is 14 and I bet you pay the bills. If you want to confiscate it then damned well confiscate it*

Then you, and the police, have no way of tracking her down when she goes missing.

Honestly confiscating phones is a fucking terrible idea. Most kids can easily source another, you have no control over that, and you don’t have that number should things get serious and need to find her.

Honestly confiscating phones is a fucking terrible idea

I said nothing about keeping the phone. Confiscate the phone and tell DD to unluck and she will be allowed it back after a short while else she will not get it back.

Go into google maps and share the phones location with OPs phone. You then will find out where the bf lives. Return the phone to daughter.

Robert is your fathers brother.

A quick Google shows that you absolutely CAN take a teenagers mobile phone if you have concerns over usage, wish to see messages if there's a safeguarding issue, or are worried about overuse.

I'm not saying it's a great idea, just that it's not illegal.

I really hope the help offered by school makes a difference!

Also hope you get answers on if/who this older person may be. Really hoping a corner is being turned

@Welshiefluff

Honestly confiscating phones is a fucking terrible idea

I said nothing about keeping the phone. Confiscate the phone and tell DD to unluck and she will be allowed it back after a short while else she will not get it back.

Go into google maps and share the phones location with OPs phone. You then will find out where the bf lives. Return the phone to daughter.

Robert is your fathers brother.

All of which would just provokes conflict between OP and her DD and solves absolutely nothing.

Why would knowing the BFs help in any way. For all you know the OP already knows where he lives. What are you suggesting that she marches round there shouting the odds? That's not a good idea either and is only to push the DD further away from OP.

Sadly Bob is no relation at all.

*social has said I cannot confiscate her phone

Bollocks. She is 14 and I bet you pay the bills. If you want to confiscate it then damned well confiscate it.*
Stupid idea! Her behaviour is making her very vulnerable. she needs to be able to call if she feels in danger!

@hereforthechat

When I was at school I remember there was a young "couple" having sex. Their parents reported them to the police for underage sex. The police went round and gave the boy a stern warning.

Why the boy and not the girl?

My god OP, what an absolute nightmare. I have no sound advice but wishing you the best of luck and hope you get some help soon.

It may be she has PTSD , especially with the risky behaviour, sudden behaviour changes and pushing friends away. Are there any counsellors near you that provide free counselling for children as there is a huge wait to get any through the NHS.

Keep strong boundaries for her but keep being a safe steady place, she sounds like she is going to need a safe person and a safe place soon.

She might be placed with another family to support her and baby.

@Jowel

He is committing a criminal offence and should be reported to the police. The courst would most likely give a referral order, which is non-custodial and does not give him a criminal reocrd at the end of it. During the referral order he would do sessions on the legal aspects of sexual behaviour an consent etc.

It does work.

What country do you live in? Obviously not the U.K.....he’s a child....he’s younger than OPs DD

You have already received some amazing advice and support. Well done for being so pro active and getting so many balls rolling. Hopefully some of them will actually be able to help your DD.

Can you request a change of SW? Even if the process is still slow, someone you have a good relationship with will still be million times more helpful.

Is there any way you can afford private counselling? Or getting her to the GP to see if meds would help?

There's a lot to unpick here and you can't fix it all yourself. There's no wonder you cracked under the pressure/expectation to do that, coupled with the worry and fear you have for her.

The catalyst seems to be the attack (which is a trauma on it's own and can cause feelings of anger,hate -towards herself and others, worthlessness , fear etc) which made her then vulnerable to this boy and his family. If he was her "support" during that time it's possible she's trauma bonded .

The baby represents , a new start, a new her/life, independence,unconditional love, a bond to that boy. She doesn't want the baby, she wants what it represents, further pushed by outside influences like the boy and his family. They'll only tell her about the great things, while mean mum is painting bleak stories because she just doesn't get her /want her to be happy etc. It's all bullshit ofc but she's a hurt,vulnerable and confused child looking desperately for something.

My only advice is, don't take her behaviour personally. It's not about you, even if it's directed at you. It's about her pain,trauma and issues. You didn't cause this. It's not your fault.

Op I'm really glad they've been able to make the support available within school, if she's got a good relationship with (some) school staff then it sounds like the most likely route that she'll engage in.

Sorry if this has been mentioned on thread, but do you have any evidence of boyfriends parents encouraging her to get pregnant? What information do you have about the alleged older person involved? Re either of those please report to social services and police. For the police you may be able to report via the website rather than being hold to 101. For social services you're not meant to email as your email wont be secure, you could ring and ask for it to be confirmed your call had been logged, or depending on your area you may be able to complete an online referral (through the 'how to report a concern about a child' webpage) and just write within that that its to be linked to a new referral.

As has been mentioned by other posters the police wouldn't take action against the boy due to his age but may well do if any adults are deemed to be putting the children at risk (either by encouraging them, or worse as your last post alluded to)

How are things @Snowpatrolling did you get any further with ss?

If she wants to talk about baby, don't shut her down! Every information or emotional catharsis can help. I was that teenager who thought that being teen mom are romantic and beautiful. Some girls are like that - dream to be moms since childhood. You could talk about her motivation and expectations, play along in saying that being mother is beautiful, but let's just wait few years, as at 14 pregnancy would be considered risky, she has not finished basic education and other reasons. Let's revise that at 16!

Oh blimey, what a desperately sad and difficult situation.

My friend's DD was very similar although she was slightly older and had always been 'difficult'. My friend was at the end of her tether and just wanted someone to help!
The boyfriend moved back to his hometown with his family (miles away) and friend's daughter has moved there too. My friend is very torn because on one hand, she doesn't have the police at her house nearly every day and isn't being assaulted but she's now detached from her DD.
So basically, I just wanted to let you know that I can appreciate how you're feeling

How are things now OP?

@RockinHorseShit

*TheChip When a child goes missing, that takes priority over almost everything else. They would not ignore a phone call about a child being reported missing.

Incredibly naive. I can vouch that this does happen as I've had 2 friends whose teens went off the rails & gave them hell, including running off, in both cases calls to the police were sometimes ignored

They certainly don’t around here! Neighbour’s daughter (14) was shinning down the drainpipe in the middle of the night to meet a 37 year old married man and disappearing for days at a time and the police didn’t do a thing. Horrendous situation for you OP, I honestly don’t know what to suggest.

habitual runaway sneaking out yo meet her boyfriend isnt really a missing child. I doubt they have the resources to be constantly dealing with people like her.

@Bonsaibreaker

For all of you saying this isn't real here's the last 7 years of my life.

DS first suicide attempt aged 12. SS involved CAHMS appointment 7 weeks later. DS walked out of all appointments or ran away before they started.
13/14 yo DS constantly ran away from home usually late at night 11pm onwards. Police didn't care after the first time neither did SS.
DS moved to 4 different schools multiple suicide attempts violence towards parents and younger siblings police called countless times social services solution was to force parents to attend 6 week parenting course and offer to remove 3 younger children from the family home in to Foster care and leave the violent child. House smashed up every door had a whole in it. Siblings belongings always destroyed he smashed the window on my bedroom and kicked the passenger door of his dad's car so badly it could not be replaced.

In the end we had 16 yo DS arrested and refused to have him home we had to press charges for ABH. The day after he was arrested the police called me to ask what to do with him. I had to tell them about social services take him to council housing as a vulnerable young oerson they would house him.

So before you say it's not real try asking those of us who have lived through it.

My story is very similar to this apart from mine is a daughter. Multiple schools, multiple, multiple, multiple violent attacks on my husband, other daughter and me. Our house was smashed up, she even broke stairs and two floorboards. A tiny girl of not even 8 stone. Anything not bolted down was stolen. Car keys came to bed with us! We had to ring the police daily when she wouldn’t come home, although our local police were wonderful. Unfortunately I can’t say the same for social services who were shockingly bad.

Eventually my daughter was taken into care, as SS were convinced her problems were caused by something at home, and some of you will read this and think that too. They weren’t. We’re a very happy family, in a nice area, with pets and enough money not to have to worry. There was just something very wrong with her and no one would help us. Not the doctor, not CAMHS, not teachers, not The Priory, where she was sent once, and certainly not social services. It probably wasn’t their fault. Social workers seemed to leave very quickly. One day a new man came to meet her, although she refused to see him. By that afternoon he’d left the job. Care didn’t last long as her behaviour became even more challenging, and suddenly we were believed.

I’m not a doctor (as I was informed by CAMHS) but I knew my daughter, and I know that nothing ‘bad’ had happened to her. I’m still convinced it was something hormonal. It started at 13 shortly before her periods and was on a monthly cycle. I kept a diary for two years but no I’ve looked at it. She calmed down at about 17 1/2, and is now 20 and very normal. She holds down and enjoys a good job with not a bad salary considering she didn’t pass any exams. She’s very close to me and my husband although my older daughter is hesitant. She’s got good friends, and best of all she’s happy.

I hate it when people can’t believe what the op’s going through. I had the same when I begged for advice when I felt SO alone and helpless.

I have a completely different mumsnet account now, but have been here on and off, since that daughter was a baby.

@Bonsaibreaker I really don't think it's your child who has the issues

@TirednWorried

habitual runaway sneaking out yo meet her boyfriend isnt really a missing child. I doubt they have the resources to be constantly dealing with people like her.

This is pretty much what the police and SS said about all the grooming gang victims and other vulnerable children, lured into drugs and prostitution over the years.

Exactly what we mean when we say they don't take all missing children seriously.

How are things now op?