14 year old actively trying to get pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hoping someone can give me some advice.
Sorry if it’s in the wrong place.

Has anyone had a 14 year old get pregnant?

My daughter behaviour has deteriorated since she met a boy 3 weeks ago.

To the point we now have social services involvement as she told the school I hit her on a regular basis (I don’t)

Had the police out every day last week as she was running away.

She is now actively trying to get pregnant.
Refusing to take the pill or morning after pill.

Does anyone know what happens if she gets pregnant? Can she move somewhere like a mother and baby unit?

Can she claim money?

I’m at my wits end and my mental health is really suffering.

I’ve tried talking to her about how hard it would be and that she should get her educations first, school have tried talking to her. She’s not listening.

Apparently this boys parents are actively encouraging it.

Social services or the police won’t help me. I can’t lock her up in the house as she shoves me and I have my 10 year old here.

I’m so lost and scared. Can anyone help?

@Hont1986

This stuff about not being allowed to lock the door at night, or confiscate possessions, is complete rubbish. It is just obviously on the face of it untrue. It sounds like a child saying their human right to free expression has been denied if their parent turns off the wi-fi. I challenge anyone to provide an authoritative source for it.

Lock a 14 year old out all night and it's neglect.

Lock her in all night and it's false imprisonment if she wants to get out.

Not really that difficult to understand.

Lock your child in their bedroom and refused to let them out. Give them a phone to call the police/social services and find out how true it is your self.

Here you go on locking a child in the house.

Look it up. It is 100% true that it is illegal to keep your teen indoors if they are trying to get out.

I was told I had to let my dd out or I was breaking the law, and if I refused to let her back in, I'd also be breaking the law. I was told by both police and children services.

Parents these days do not have a leg to stand on

This young lady sounds like she's angry at the world at the moment, likely triggered by the assault a few weeks ago. I wonder if this is why SS are advising OP to back down as standing up to her seems to be escalating her behaviour. She can't fight against nothing.

I also echo a PP and wonder if there's some undiagnosed additional needs there somewhere, in particular ADHD. It's horrifically underdiagnosed in girls and masking is exhausting for them, mentally and emotionally. Trauma can be a trigger for it becoming too overwhelming and everything just falls apart.

Perhaps ask the DSL at school to speak to the SENCO and her subject teachers to see if that's something they've considered. Girls with ADHD present differently to boys so ask them to look at that online before deciding. They should take her history of self-harming into account too.

Have read through further replies. Thankyou for everyone’s advice.
I can’t force her into contraception. Wish I could.

Spoke to the social worker today, I got angry with her as she was focusing more on my mental health and my younger daughter and skirting around the issues with my oldest.

I asked her what plans had been put in place for her.
She said what do you want???? Wtf!
I told her I want counselling of some form for her, not cahms as they’re a pile of crap.
I also want her medically assessed by a medical professional. Took on board some of your advice and told her it may be possible she has an underlying condition like bipolar or something.
I’ve also asked could a few kicks to the head have changed something in her?
She said she didnt know.
I told her then she needs to find out ASAP, get me the help I need or I will disengage from their services.
I plan to spend Thursday ringing around the help lines that have been mentioned on here and taking actions into my own hands.
The social worker got cross when I wouldn’t let her ring my dr to discuss my mental health issues.
Told her she seemed to be focusing on me and if she thought I was a bad parent to just say it.
She said that’s not what she was implying.

Someone said about a house move,
I actually have my welfare assessment with my council on Thursday. Of cours social worker was supposed to send over supporting evidence for a house move and she hasn’t bothered doing it.
She said she’s ring them tomorrow.
My case goes to panel at the end of the month.

I plan on moving area and then moving my daughters school. It’s going to be a lot for her but I need to get her away from this boy.

Social didn’t seem to give a shit his parents were letting them have unprotected sex.

My social worker is actually the boyfriends old social worker, you’d think she’s be a bit more helpful but clearly not.

I’m using my anger to get things done myself.
I absolutely will not be labels a bad parent because of my mental health, I’ve hidden it from my children for years. It’s never affected them. They didn’t even notice when I had my breakdown a few years ago.

You only have to look at my youngest to know my children are loved and cared for.

I’m so angry at the system.

My friend said to me the system will fail me. It already is.

I’ve rung in sick for tomorrow. I plan to catch up on some sleep. Then day off Thursday, after meeting I will get the ball rolling with things.

Well done, OP.
Keep on with this motivation and don't let them deflect by trying to put the focus on to you or your other children.
Its completely unfair how they do that, and ridiculously unhelpful. Yet it seems to be their go to method, judging by your post, my own experience and other posters on here. Its ridiculous when they should be focused on prevention rather than intervention!

It’s terribly unfair op and as an adult now I can see what I put my parents though but ss just don’t care they want an easy fall person and a case to dismiss as fast as they can.

I also have adhd and sensory issues and actually had some rather serious issues with bullying while at school.

I had a 2 maybe teachers I could trust and felt safe with. Sounds the same with daughter and the person she stays with when in school. Obviously they cannot share everything she is saying but I reckon they are helping more than anyone can understand right now as part of this situation.

We have granted children the same rights as adults for very real and valid reasons and also enacted legislation that protects those rights to prevent parents being able to ignore them. There are good reasons for this, but one of the consequences is as this situation. A parent can not over rule an informed decision to leave the house. A 3 year old can not make that, but a14 year old can. You can not therefore prevent them leaving and using force is asault and locking doors is imprisonment.
But, a parent has legal responsibility for the welfare of a child under 16 so if the child wants to get shelter at 11pm then that is a welfare issue and you have to let them in. You can not take anything away from them that is theirs in law.
Of course the law doesn't account for emotional connection and reaction and plane worry and stress, but that is how it stands and an informed 14 year old can use it to their advantage.
The issue in these situations is the parent can not impose any consequences and that makes us powerless and that is traumatic for a parent when they see the dangers their child is in and that the roles are reversed within their relationship.

All consequences we impose are basically because the child respects us enough to take them. When they don't care there is little we can do. This has been detailed in PP time and time again.

There will be consequences for her behaviour if it continues. Legal and emotional for her. But as a parent you can not impose them at this stage.

So what to do?
Don't give up on her, plenty get through these situations
Stop looking to understand or blame anything or anyone and focus on you and your other child

Don't engage about her behaviour but if she is violent or threatens you or anyone do report it to the police. She has criminal responsibility along with her rights

If she is out of the house over night report it. You are responsible for her welfare so you should report it if she is out. Even if you get no response still report it and keep a record. You are not responsible for the BF welfare and if he threatens you then report it. If you daughter won't come in without him then do be it. If she runs away again then report it.
Engage with any Agency but you can not force her and neither can they. Make a record of any engagement and particularly any advice they give or any times they don't engage with you
Make a formal report about the sex. It is an offence and whilst same age is not considered usually for prosecution, it is not the end of it just because they are the same age
Consider moving other D in with you so not sharing a room for a while
Everything now is about getting through this. Don't obsess about pregnancy. If that happens, it happens. You can not stop that at this stage. Don't waste energy on thinking what might be. Focus on now and getting through this.

Thousands of teens go seriously off the rails and thousands turn out fine as adults

This situation is the hardest any parent can face but you can get through this.

Surely If the boys parents are encouraging him to have unprotected sex to impregnate your daughter this is child abuse? A 13 year old is not mentally mature enough to process the consequences of these actions and the parents aren't being responsible and acting on the best interests of their child? I understand they can't stop him but ENCOURAGiNG him?

@TheChip

Well done, OP. Keep on with this motivation and don't let them deflect by trying to put the focus on to you or your other children. Its completely unfair how they do that, and ridiculously unhelpful. Yet it seems to be their go to method, judging by your post, my own experience and other posters on here. Its ridiculous when they should be focused on prevention rather than intervention!

Exactly my point, they are letting this continue whilst focusing on the wrong person. I was just fobsmacked that they hadn’t even looked into any support for her, They are ringing my youngest school tomorrow, I told them I’ve got support for her there and as this is a voluntary arrangement I dont consent. They can take me to court if they wish. They never actually told me it was a voluntary arrangement, it was dd Safegarding lead at school that told me. Very cunning. I feel with this info I have more power to protect myself.

I’ve written all the numbers down so I can work through them Thursday.
I will be reporting bf parents to the police. They are also under social services (not a voluntary arrangement for them) I will do this first thing as it’s disgusting they are allowing this. They need to be held accountable.
My daughter actually knew that the adult can claim benefits for an under age mum, I didn’t even know this. So they’ve clearly told her this.
They are using my baby as a cash cow. Surly this is grooming of some sort, unless anyone has a name for this I can use with the police?

I’m absolutely disgusted with every adult involved in this situation. Myself included.

@cutietooties

Surely If the boys parents are encouraging him to have unprotected sex to impregnate your daughter this is child abuse? A 13 year old is not mentally mature enough to process the consequences of these actions and the parents aren't being responsible and acting on the best interests of their child? I understand they can't stop him but ENCOURAGiNG him?

Abuse for sure, coercion? Grooming? I will be reporting the parents first thing, despite social services saying nothing could be done about it. 🤦‍♀️

Gosh this sounds like such a tough situation!! Can you speak to one of her friends Mums, does she get on well with any of them? Can they be a support system and perhaps talk to her about contraception, encourage her to find a passion/hobby to throw herself into, talk about the type of job she wants to do/ambitions, get her to see the bigger picture past this stage in life where the hormones are raging and life is tough? She won't listen to her parents but if a trusted friend or friends Mum tries to reach out, she might take it on board.
Any teen mums she can speak with to see how hard it can be?
I would push for any assessments you can get, potentially going on some sort of contraception to help even out the hormones might help if you can talk to her about it from that angle, or have another teenager discuss it. I felt so up and down as a teen and it all coincided with my periods and hormones, going on the pill would have really helped me with alot of my rage back then.
Hope you get some support, keep going, sounds like you are doing everything you can

Exploitation?

@Nuttymonkey

Gosh this sounds like such a tough situation!! Can you speak to one of her friends Mums, does she get on well with any of them? Can they be a support system and perhaps talk to her about contraception, encourage her to find a passion/hobby to throw herself into, talk about the type of job she wants to do/ambitions, get her to see the bigger picture past this stage in life where the hormones are raging and life is tough? She won't listen to her parents but if a trusted friend or friends Mum tries to reach out, she might take it on board. Any teen mums she can speak with to see how hard it can be? I would push for any assessments you can get, potentially going on some sort of contraception to help even out the hormones might help if you can talk to her about it from that angle, or have another teenager discuss it. I felt so up and down as a teen and it all coincided with my periods and hormones, going on the pill would have really helped me with alot of my rage back then. Hope you get some support, keep going, sounds like you are doing everything you can

She’s pushed all of her friends away. Her best friend is actually moving schools this week as my dd been so vile to her and she can’t cope anymore. It’s got to the point this poor girl is being bullied by my dd.

My lovley friend has offered to have her for a weekend. She’ll be helping out in their cafe and she’ll be dumping her youngest 2 kids on her over night! Lol! (In the same house of course) but as she’ll be 80 miles away she won’t be a flight risk.

She is refusing point blank to take any form of contraception. I can’t force it into her.

I nearly crushed the morning after pill into her dinner today, but pretty sure she went to her boyfriends house this evening so wouldnt have done any good.

And absolutely will be pushing for all the help I can get, without social services. They can bugger off now!!!

@TheChip

Exploitation?

Thankyou! That’s a big fancy word that should get me taken seriously!!! I’m bloody angry now, probably won’t sleep again but hey ho. Can’t believe this is happening.’ This has destroyed my poor old Nan. :(

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/child-sexual-exploitation/

Maybe email the nspcc, to not only report it, but to seek advice on how this case should be handled by the professionals.

Its nice that your friend is taking your dd for the weekend. It will do you the world of good to be able to recharge properly and hopefully it does the same for your dd

I believe you OP ..... but then I’ve worked in children’s services...people just don’t get it do they...... some PP on here must have led very sheltered lives if they think you are making things up.... don’t let that get you down..... Are SS currently completing a child and family assessment?

@TheChip

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/child-sexual-exploitation/

Maybe email the nspcc, to not only report it, but to seek advice on how this case should be handled by the professionals.

Its nice that your friend is taking your dd for the weekend. It will do you the world of good to be able to recharge properly and hopefully it does the same for your dd

Why didn’t I think off the nspcc. Right that’s my first port of call. Thankyou for that, me heads a mess. Intold her it would do us both good to have break and just get our heads regather. She agreed. Think that’s the first thing she agreed on me with! I’ve been a lot calmer, not for angry or trying to talk her out of anything this eve. She came back, (15 mins late but I won’t grumble) and did a bit of cleaning int he kitchen for me! And hasn’t shouted at me! Tried to talk about babies and I told her we’ll discuss it when we cross that bridge, that I can’t take any more on right now. She seems to accept that. Thank Lyon for your words of wisdom and advice, it is very much appreciated.

@Kitkat151

I believe you OP ..... but then I’ve worked in children’s services...people just don’t get it do they...... some PP on here must have led very sheltered lives if they think you are making things up.... don’t let that get you down..... Are SS currently completing a child and family assessment?

They want to asses both children and me, that’s all they’ve said, but apparently as it’s a voluntary arrangement I have the right to refuse? I just feel like they are trying to find fault with me rather than get my daughter help, so it’s making me angry. I’m also sleep deprived which isn’t helping. My social worker is quite patronising, and very passive aggressive which I don’t do well with anyway, if you’ve got something to say just say it. She’s also avoided a lot of my questions, her response to a lot is “I can’t answer that” And that’s it. No explanation, no I’ll look into it. Just shuts down my questions with that response. That’s not helpful in itself. Even the Safegarding lead wonder why she couldn’t answer certain questions when she should not the answers. She’s fuming at the way we’ve been treated.

Do you know as it’s a voluntary arrangement that I can just disengage with them and tell them I don’t need them any more?

Where's her dad? What help is he providing? Could she go live with him for a bit to give you some respite

@Snowpatrolling noone on here can accurately tell you the answer to your question re whether you can tell SS to leave you alone. That's something you need to discuss with the social worker.
From what you've said they've only been involved a week, so it's unlikely they'll have completed a formal (written) assessment yet. Depending on the outcome depends on whether they'll offer you support on a voluntary basis or whether they feel it's safeguarding and they want a child protection conference, which is when it moves into mandatory.
If you disengage before they've completed the assessment they'll have to make a decision as to whether they feel you're adequately protecting your child. By that I don't mean 'preventing anything bad happening' but whether you're taking steps a parent would reasonably be expected to do (eg calling the police, going to look for her, encouraging her home etc)

OP it’s standard practice to assess the whoLe family so SWs get a bigger picture ....a child and family assessment will generally be completed within 45 days

If you disengage they might not be in a position to offer help and support

Is there something she loves doing that you could do together and take some time to talk? It sounds like there's a lot going on in her head - maybe if you could find a find environment and time with just you two, you could connect and talk?

You said she'd been assaulted - is she reacting to this and processing it? Perhaps craving the love of this boy and a baby to make up for how awful it felt / feels?

I'd try and do a lot of listening and ask a lot of questions (as much as you want to shake her)