14 year old actively trying to get pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hoping someone can give me some advice.
Sorry if it’s in the wrong place.

Has anyone had a 14 year old get pregnant?

My daughter behaviour has deteriorated since she met a boy 3 weeks ago.

To the point we now have social services involvement as she told the school I hit her on a regular basis (I don’t)

Had the police out every day last week as she was running away.

She is now actively trying to get pregnant.
Refusing to take the pill or morning after pill.

Does anyone know what happens if she gets pregnant? Can she move somewhere like a mother and baby unit?

Can she claim money?

I’m at my wits end and my mental health is really suffering.

I’ve tried talking to her about how hard it would be and that she should get her educations first, school have tried talking to her. She’s not listening.

Apparently this boys parents are actively encouraging it.

Social services or the police won’t help me. I can’t lock her up in the house as she shoves me and I have my 10 year old here.

I’m so lost and scared. Can anyone help?

@TheChiefJo
Absolutely, I’m trying to move to remove her from the situation, I’m trying everything I can in my power to try and fix my child.
They’ve had a week to write this letter. They haven’t bothered.
It’s almost like they are setting me up to fail.

My gut feeling is that Something has happened to her and she is blaming you.
Shoving you, running away, threatening, the sexual activity - it just comes across as a child desperately wanting to tell you something but being too afraid.

Honestly OP, I think she needs to be in a therapists office ASAP.

I think you mentioned moving both home and school up thread?

I think that is what I would do in your shoes as it is one of the few ways to put distance between your DD, her BF and his family. Of course there is the risk that she will run away and go back to the BF. Is there a way of breaking the bond between them just before the move - perhaps a family holiday somewhere DD would want to go, to put 2 weeks of distance between them and hope that he will quickly take up with someone else?

I think there must be more to the issue surrounding the assault and whatever she says, going back to that school must be hard for your DD and having an impact on her mental health. So again, moving would be a fresh start without those negative associations.

Do you have a plan to get this happening, how long do you think organising a move could take?

@GingerBeverage

My gut feeling is that Something has happened to her and she is blaming you. Shoving you, running away, threatening, the sexual activity - it just comes across as a child desperately wanting to tell you something but being too afraid.

Honestly OP, I think she needs to be in a therapists office ASAP.

I agree with all of this. I really do. X

@ChequerBoard

I think you mentioned moving both home and school up thread?

I think that is what I would do in your shoes as it is one of the few ways to put distance between your DD, her BF and his family. Of course there is the risk that she will run away and go back to the BF. Is there a way of breaking the bond between them just before the move - perhaps a family holiday somewhere DD would want to go, to put 2 weeks of distance between them and hope that he will quickly take up with someone else?

I think there must be more to the issue surrounding the assault and whatever she says, going back to that school must be hard for your DD and having an impact on her mental health. So again, moving would be a fresh start without those negative associations.

Do you have a plan to get this happening, how long do you think organising a move could take?

I agree with you, that’s my aim. I have my welfare assessment tomorrow for house move and then it goes to panel at the end of the month. I haven’t delayed it and tried to get everything moved as quick as possible. I’m waiting on the move to see what area and then will get her into a school close to home.

There definitely is something going on, which is why I’ve been asking for her to be medically assessed, been asking since last Friday. And have asked every day since. Waiting on a call back from GP
Her behaviour teacher at school is going to have a word with the schools senco to see if she has any ideas at all or can point me in the right direction.

All sounds like good progress OP. You are doing so well, looking out for your DD. It Lucy be so hard when she can't (or doesn't want) to see the damage she is doing to herself.

I think I would look at the move as the main plan of action and view all the other stuff with the school and SS as temporary necessities to do whatever it takes to keep DD as safe as possible in the meantime.

@ChequerBoard

All sounds like good progress OP. You are doing so well, looking out for your DD. It Lucy be so hard when she can't (or doesn't want) to see the damage she is doing to herself.

I think I would look at the move as the main plan of action and view all the other stuff with the school and SS as temporary necessities to do whatever it takes to keep DD as safe as possible in the meantime.

Thankyou, I am having to prioritise as I can’t handle to many things at once at the moment, house move is top of the list, then trying to make a phone call a day. She’s playing up today so been back and forth to the school a few times today and also on phone all morning. So much for a rest day to get my head together. Think as soon as she figured out I was home and not at work that’s when all hell has broken loose. I’m so tired.

What are the limits and details of Statutory Rape?

@Snowpatrolling social services can write you a letter but the reason why they won't prioritise it it because it carries zero weight with housing despite people requesting them all the time. The days of housing listening to SS are long gone, housing have their criteria and that's that. However if you're wanting to evidence to housing that SS are involved you can provide details of the social worker to housing and they'll contact them directly if there's anything they want to ask them.

To everyone else saying that the social worker should have put a plan in place, it's been a week. The social workers role at this point is to assess. The social workers role more generally is to support the parent to support the child. The social worker can't swoop in and fix the child, the child has no relationship with the social worker at this stage. That's why they'll focus on supporting the parent. How receptive would your angry teenager be to listening to a professional they don't know? What power do you think the social worker has to keep the child in the house?

Social services access to counseling would be the same any parent has, with the same referral forms and the same waiting lists. They don't have any power to get you up a list or any services that aren't available via Google (except for the power to make a CAMHS referral which you've said you don't want) A counselling referral requires the consent of the young person at 14 and I'm not clear it's even been discussed with her as this point, given that she's in crisis?

I'm being blunt in my reply because there's plenty of posters on here agreeing that its a horrible situation and one they'd feel powerless in. Which I don't doubt. I just didn't see the need to add to that chorus. I don't think encouraging an upset parent to get angry at social services is particularly helpful to that parent either.

@JudgementalCactus as I think I've seen on other threads, apt username you've chosen for yourself there, labelling is powerful isn't it?

Touch wood my DD has come out of the end of this phase.
It was horrendous for a while and although I wasn't doing anything 'wrong' it wasn't what she needed and couldn't ask for.

She became less physically violent after the police took photos of my bruises after a terrible argument, but was still seething and the language/behaviour was dreadful. She refused to engage with CAMHS and it was them who told me to disengage. Be there when she needed me, meet all her physical needs but no more unless she approached me or asked. It was hard. I also had to work hard to keep communication open while giving her as little as possible to rail against and still providing the boundaries that she still needs. I had to tell her that I could not stop her leaving but that if she was in trouble or needed me I would come for her. I didn't have to like her choices to love her and want to keep her safe so that's what I would do. It did mean that sometimes I had to get up in the middle of the night as she tested this. But over a very few weeks it worked. I put myself out for her and it sank in that my words weren't just nagging, but because I love her. We reestablished some ground rules , less stringent than before, but nothing to dig heels in against.
Your SW will be asking about you and your other DD because you are the ones being affected, not because they are holding you responsible. Engage with a course if you can (for your own sake) and remember that you love her. She needs that too, even when she is making herself as unlikable as possible.
I did a Time Out for Parents course which was in the evening by zoom and was excellent. You start off rolling your eyes because it seems obvious but then you realise that actually small changes in how you react can make a huge difference to how a teen perceives the response and can impact the relationship.
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you as you work it through. Your DD is lucky to have a Mum who cares so much.

Oh my god op, I would never have known how bad these situations could get. I'm shocked and horrified for you. I have no advice just offering support for you. You sound like a fantastic mum and your posts have gone from defeated to strong, which is great. I really hope you can access some support quickly for dd.
One thing, you said she was badly assaulted at school, was this dealt with appropriately? Did she access support for it? Do you think this is the trigger for the behavior? Could you access private therapy?

@IsleofRum

What are the limits and details of Statutory Rape?

Limits are the USA

The bottom line is that if she's hell bent on getting pregnant, you can't stop her. But why? What was your relationship like before the assault? Wby was no action taken?
If this all started then, it seems clear that she thinks others view her as worthless.
When's the last time youdid anything nice one on one with her?
Also, do you think she knows about your previous suicide attempt?

I have nothing practical to add in terms of advice, just wanted to say how much I feel for you OP

You sound like a great mum and I really hope you all get some help soon x

I'd call Barnardo's and see if they offer anything on your area. And if I could I'd get her on the injection or even better the implant to buy her some time until the baby fever passes! Has she got any long term goals like what she wants to be?

He is committing a criminal offence and should be reported to the police. The courst would most likely give a referral order, which is non-custodial and does not give him a criminal reocrd at the end of it. During the referral order he would do sessions on the legal aspects of sexual behaviour an consent etc.

It does work.

He is committing a criminal offence and should be reported to the police

Who is committing an offence? The 13year old boyfriend? The ops daughter is older than him!! She is mire culpable than he is!

@Jowel

He is committing a criminal offence and should be reported to the police. The courst would most likely give a referral order, which is non-custodial and does not give him a criminal reocrd at the end of it. During the referral order he would do sessions on the legal aspects of sexual behaviour an consent etc.

It does work.

He's younger than OPs daughter! If anything it would be her who was in trouble.

Behaviour teacher is speaking to the schools senco to see if they can point me in the right direction for help.
Currently on hold to nspcc, they have given me some brilliant advice, just on hold whilst she finds something out for me.
She’s told me to plod along with social worker but start taking action myself, she’s got me lots of numbers to call and agrees something horribly wrong,
Let’s just hope my phone calls tomorrow can open so doors for my daughter.

@Atalune

Bloody hell.

Does your school have access to a youth worker or a youth mentoring scheme?

Can you put her contraceptive pill in her breakfast (only slightly joking!)

They are children. Social services are involved…what does this mean?

Whatever you do don’t put anything in her food please

You need to speak to the school and the gp and take advice from them

@TirednWorried

He is committing a criminal offence and should be reported to the police

Who is committing an offence? The 13year old boyfriend? The ops daughter is older than him!! She is mire culpable than he is!

I’ve spoken to nspcc, they have told me to ring 101 for advice but to be aware that she may also get into trouble, may be the kick up the back side she needs. Hopefully one day she will know I did all this for her benefit.

@BoredZelda

The police won’t get involved when they are breaking the law?

Don’t be ridiculous. Sweeping statements don’t help.

Ask SS to put a voluntary supervision order in place. She'll go and stay somewhere with qualified staff who will look after her, giving you time and headspace to think and knowing that support is in place. Staffing is usually 1-1 with overnight staff too so she'd have a smaller risk of getting away to meet him.

@Jowel

He is committing a criminal offence and should be reported to the police. The courst would most likely give a referral order, which is non-custodial and does not give him a criminal reocrd at the end of it. During the referral order he would do sessions on the legal aspects of sexual behaviour an consent etc.

It does work.

Technically they are both committing offences. Therefore it’s highly unlikely the Police would get involved from a criminal offence point of view. It is however a safeguarding issue for both children.

OP how do you know the boy’s parents are actively encouraging them to have a baby. If this is so, then it sounds like both children need protecting from them.

Tell social services you are no longer willing to have her at home, they will either be more helpful or put her in to care. Hopefully the first. Google level 4 services and charties in your area or NW that may ba able to advise you. Silly girl!